AN: So think of this one as the man behind the curtain. A glimpse at the man even Jack does not let himself see.

Summary: With way too many whiskeys in him a season 8 off duty O'Neill, minus Kerry and definitely minus Sam, sits down to write a letter expressing how he truly feels and this is what he comes up with. Drunken (OC) Jack peels out something of himself that even he would not quite want to see in the light of day. Angst. One-shot. K Rated. J. O'Neill.

THE LETTER THAT NEVER WAS

Jack would never have described himself as lonely but tonight the word itself just was not big enough and so he took another sip straight from the bottle then poured himself one more glass, some of the content ran over the edge and onto the coffee table. He ignored it and took the pen up into his hand and started to write...

OoO

To you,

the only one who would ever understand,

Who would have thought it could ever be so good. Even the bad bits are worth it. The anxiety, the trauma, the fear of loss. All of it pales in the face of the reality of being near you.

Every single day you make my heart flutter, every single day you make me smile. It does not matter whether I am standing at your shoulder or you are a galaxy away. You make my heart sing.

I could write for hours or for days about how much you mean to me and how you make me feel and yet I could never ever say any of this in words. In some ways I do not have to because you already know.

I love you, Carter.

That should not be overly shocking to you as I know you once felt the same. You however are not in the same place anymore but believe me when I say that is perfectly okay. I would never ask of you what you do not want to give, or do not have to offer.

You are marrying Pete. I did not believe it at first but you showed me your ring today. You made your choice and I will try to accept that with good grace.

Perhaps it was that you and I were never meant to be...but for years it was my wish and my hope, by that of all the stars that it be so.

But that hope it is no more.

I would say that I have nothing to lose in writing this but that is just not true. The thought of losing you because I am pushing too hard or putting too much indecision upon you breaks my heart.

So take the step but know this. No matter what you do or where you need to go to make yourself happy I am never far away. Pick up the phone, arrive at my door at four am, crawl into your shell and be alone...marry Pete...do whatever it is you need to do to make you happy. I truly want that for you.

But...and I have to say this, because if I don't I will regret it more than anything else that I have ever not done in my life.

If you change you mind I will be waiting.

I know that time and circumstances have always stood between us but you are who my heart has waited for and I'm not going anywhere.

We waited for a long time and sacrificed a lot for something that never was but now that the end of our waiting to be together is near I am not prepared to just walk away without a fight.

In saying that I do not want to fight. I do not want to make you sad. I do not want to conflict you now that you have found someone who seems to make you happy. I guess I am just a little disappointed that that someone is not me.

So walk your path and know that I am always here for you. It was my hope that one day you would be more than just my 2IC and close companion, but alas that seems not to be.

If nothing else I will always be there for you as your friend. For you have won me over and it is my only hope that you can always turn to me no matter what you need. You are worth more to me than you will ever realise and you deserve true love, if not with me then with whomever you should choose.

But remember this...

I love you and cherish everything that you are, have been and will become.

I guess what I am trying to say is be happy Sam, for in the end that is all I ever want for you.

Signed with all the love and true friendship that I have,

Your friend,

Jack O'Neill.

OoO

Jack lifted the letter he had just wrote and re-read it. Chuckling to himself he tore it in half. "You are an idiot Jack O'Neill." he informed himself and chucked first one half and then the other into the fire, finished his whiskey and took himself off to bed.

END

AN: Happy frickin' valentine's day people!

If you feel, as I do that this is WAY WAY OC that's fine. To be honest it's more me than Jack, but I wrote it so I am going to post it. But as always...opinions appreciated. :)