People don't talk like poetry reads. That in my mind, have something mildly pretentious. I'm in the mood for Birdflash recently. Sorry that this is out of character. It was inspired by A Day to Remember, The House That Doubt Built. Also, if you're reading this, I'm always looking for new bands or music to listen to. Feel free to leave suggestions.
Disclaimer: Maybe a little out of character, but I don't own them to begin with.
It was a stereotypical love story; everyone could see it but them. Their eyes would linger long after the other's gaze had passed and simple affections would be drawn out until there were mountains of filled sketchpads littered with nothing more than their fingers entangled or the brush of their shoulders. They would speak the other's name like a secret they weren't supposed to know, in a breath separate from the rest of the sentence, and their mouths would all but caress it as it left. There was so much more worry in mention of the other harmed than seeing another teammate with blood trapped beneath their palm.
Their friends would tease and joke, and they would blush and smile with the secret they thought was safe, but neither could even dream their feelings were returned. It left every touch and embrace that much more hollow and hopeful, driving fingers to hold that much longer, for eyes to be that much gentler.
It took a long time of teasing and laughing for the team to realize that the boys didn't see what they did. They were in the dark and so very alone, a fate that didn't seem like it could be much crueler. Artemis took it upon herself to try and inspire them. Wally took the news well, covering his blush and the surprised welling tears with his hands, all but crushing the life from her in a hug that screamed his gratitude with every molecule. Dick, on the other hand, did not; he about punched her, had she not caught his fist, and stormed out in a fury that left her open mouthed and confused. There was nothing else she could do now though, so she stepped back and let them do as they must.
The change didn't take long to set in. Wally was that much more confident, stepping up his affections and lessening his restraints. He would hold Dick's face and take his hand, the shyness masked by something so much stronger that would have the younger of the two stepping back with red ears and trembling fingers. Dick had put more restraints up, keeping himself from getting any closer to his best friend. It was frustrating for the others, almost heartbreaking, but Wally didn't seem to notice. He had so much hope in him now, and every emotion from him around the ebony had him showing his teeth.
Confidence could only build at this point, and before long, Wally had just enough in him.
He and Dick were on the smaller couch at the Cave, the lights nonexistent aside from that the movie provided, the others having gone off to bed. They were reclined back, one of Wally's legs tucked beneath Dick's so he had a foot between the other's, their thighs touching. Their shoulders were connected and their fingers were nearly there, both focusing more on that than whatever this movie was.
"Hey, Dick?" Wally's voice barely managed out in a breath, lips turning up in a nervous grin as he managed to catch the hand nearest him.
The ebony looked over, swallowing hard. They didn't need light to know the color of his ears. He looked more afraid than anything, but it wasn't disgust and Wally had prayers going out with every quick tick of his heart. For days now, he had stayed up half the night trying to think of what he could possibly say here, but now, he knew the only thing he had to say.
"I love you."
His grin shook a little, but he was shaking to begin with, so it probably evened everything out. He held the blue eyes in the darkness, so much hope and excitement in his own, until his emotions weren't mirrored in those blue eyes. The fear seemed to consume them, too, and Dick pulled back his legs and hand all at once.
"No," he couldn't even breathe, slowly getting to his feet.
His hands were fists that shook and he backed away as though Wally were something out to hurt him. Wally's eyes widened in confusion and he got to his feet, his happiness swept away fast, and he held a hand up after the other.
"Don't," Dick shook his head, his voice broken. "Please."
With that, the young hero turned heel and ran, swallowed by the darkness. The redhead stood rooted in place, staring after him until the room was silent with nothing more than the movie. Tears welled in his eyes before he could realize it. The first dropped down his cheek on its own and it hit him like a hammer to the back of his knees. He collapsed forward onto the couch, onto the blankets that had moments ago held them, and he sobbed.
Megan found him when she got up to make breakfast, passed out and curled around the blanket, cheeks raw and breath still staggered.
The weeks to follow were painful to watch. Wally had become, simply stated, a wreck. He slept very little and ate even less, speaking of little more than the migraine that was always with him, like a shadow he could never escape. Getting anything from him was impossible. He was either too tired to respond or too angry. The only change they would get from him was when Dick was in the room. There would be a faint sense of hope in his red eyes, weak and dwindling, but always there. He would manage a smile far too heavy for his lips and when he wouldn't get a second glance, he would drop it with enough strength for it to shatter out across the floor and leave him with a weak groan and a hand to his temple.
Dick's face would tighten and his temples would pound, but he wouldn't bring himself back to the redhead. He wouldn't look at him if he had the choice, wouldn't acknowledge him.
Everyone saw it, but no one could do anything but stare on, until Batman had had enough. Wally was deteriorating and if this kept on, the team was going to lose a valuable asset. Without any warning, he had a mission briefing and split everyone into pairs for obviously meaningless stakeouts around the city to look for a gang that didn't exist. No one had the courage to call him out on it, though, so no one did, even when he paired Dick and Wally together. The only resistance he got was the tightened facial features in that brief second.
The teams deployed out over the city and this particular one, Dick on his motorcycle and Wally on foot, took to their designated rooftop without a word to each other. Even when they got up there, sitting close to each other against the edge of the roof, they couldn't manage to say anything.
They had been on stakeouts before, sitting like this but closer, joking about things in the city or what could go on while they were up here giggling about sausages and hot dogs. Looking out over the city now, the lights reflecting the watery glaze his eyes held, Wally longed to have a conversation like that again- already, the park off to their side was inspiring comments he would normally have no filter in letting slip. Now though, he was guarded. Now, he was terrified. What had happened to them? They had had so much and he had... ruined... it all. He hadn't only taken their chance at a future as something more than friends; he had taken their chance at being friends at all.
"KF," Dick murmured and Wally tensed, not having heard the nickname in far too long.
He turned to look at him and following the other's eyes with his fingers, he found a few tears had slipped. He apologized quickly, brushing them off with his knuckle, but he missed a few tracks and Dick's fingers twitched as he found it in him to want to clear them.
"I was just... thinking about..." the redhead hurried to find an excuse, chest already feeling like it were crushed beneath many moons.
"Don't lie to me."
"Alright," Wally agreed, and he didn't.
They sat in the quiet for a long time, listening to the cars going by and watching the people in their windows with little interest until Wally pitched forward with a little groan and rested his head in his hands, fingers pressing tightly into his head to try and distract the ache in his temple. Dick forgot fast about the city and watched him instead, brows furrowed tightly beneath the domino mask. Unable to resist, he touched a hand gently to his friend's back. There was a flinch, and then he was leaning into it.
"Can I ask you something?" Wally asked softly, keeping his face in his hands.
Dick swallowed hard and brought his hand back, pressing both into his lap.
"I don't really get a say either way, do I?" he pressed a smile.
"I'll ask, or I won't."
Dick stared at him, surprised by the directness, before giving a little nod. "Go ahead."
Wally stayed still for a long moment, eyes resting in the cup of his palms while his breath caught up with him. Then he rested his cheek in his farthest palm and stared up at the ebony.
"Did you ever love me?"
Even if he had had his eyes shut, he would've seen the flinch. His chest tightened right along with the other's facial features, but he sat his grounds and balled his free hand up tightly to keep his courage on him.
"For even a second?" he went on, voice weaker.
Dick was quick to look away, turning himself back over the city. His eyes were shielded by the panes of his domino mask and he knew it wasn't fair, but he wasn't ready to give that much away.
"I don't want to have this conversation with you," the ebony said softly.
Wally gave a little sound, like he had been kicked, and his fingers skimmed absently over Dick's knee. This time, neither of them flinched at the touch. Dick's lips trembled.
"Talk to me, Dick. Give me... something."
Dick's lips pressed tighter and his fists followed suit, head bowing down slowly. He watched Wally's hand laying beside him against the rooftop and he considered picking it up, but he wouldn't. He couldn't give Wally everything, but he could, at the very least, give him something.
"When I'm around you... I get the same feeling that I would get if I came across a completely deserted house with one room in the back barricaded beyond belief, with chains and heavy weights, and more locks than could be counted. It's the same feeling I would get when making a second sweep of the house only to come back to find that door wide open. You paralyze me. You leave me rooted in place and trembling. I can't breathe, I can't think, I'm useless because... there's so much I don't know. There's so much I can't know. I have no way of knowing what will happen if I take a step, if I don't... and it terrifies me. I'm not sure which one more. You scare me, Wally West. You terrify me to my bones. I would take on millions of men like Joker and Crane before having this conversation with you. Billions, even."
He gave a sigh as the silence hit them again and he pressed his own face into his hands, taking comfort in the darkness while he could. That had sat on his chest for a while, rehearsed any time this situation ran through his mind, and it felt better than he could've known to actually get it out in the open. When he lifted his head and looked over, he knew that there were tears in the palms cradling those beautiful jade eyes. It took away any of that previous relief and he wanted to give his everything over, to hold him and apologize, but he couldn't move.
"But... sitting here with you... is just like walking into that deserted house. I know every open and empty room. What it was used for. Who lived in it. Where every scrape and scuff and crack came from. I could rebuild it if I had to... up until that last room. Anything could be back there," he went on, keeping his voice soft and specifically set for the other's ears only.
Wally's lips pulled down tightly and he fought back something bigger than him, giving a fraction of a gasp before he wiped it off with his tears, looking back over.
"Dick, I-I'm not a house! I'm a person. With feelings, and you're doing a good job of forgetting that for someone who knows everything," he choked out, scrubbing stubbornly at his cheeks.
Before he could stop himself, the ebony found himself reaching out for the other, thumb poised to take out the tear track that remained. Wally pulled back his own hands and watched the hand with tight brows, giving a weak sigh as the gloved palm cupped his cheek, skimming softly.
"Wally," Dick made his name into an apology and he leaned into the hand while it lasted.
Dick had hoped maybe the affection would've calmed his friend down even a fraction, but it only managed to draw out another tear to meet his thumb. He pulled it back carefully.
"No, you've had your metaphors. I want an answer," Wally grit out weakly.
He was angry, if not more, but it was watered down by everything drowning out his thoughts. Like a shark in clear waters, though, it was all the more present- if not scarier. To see the creature was one thing, but to know that you weren't experiencing everything it was because it was being held back, that was much scarier.
"You don't know what's in that backroom? It's us, Dick. You, me, and the future we could have together. Everything we could be. It might not all be good, but... neither was everything in those front rooms. That's the house for you. A broken... terrified... foundation of a house... who's... madly in love with you. Now I want an answer. You love me, too, or you don't."
The words hit Dick and he felt his heart start to hammer at his ribcage with intent to take it out. Wally had always been so confident. He had been a rock, a mountain, and nothing could sway him. There wasn't fear, there weren't real cracks- it was Wally. To hear this and the implications that it was his fault... The domino mask worked well in keeping his tears from sight. The only thing to betray him was the quiver in his chin.
"Please," he about whimpered.
Wally shook his head, holding the white panes with a look that made it seem like he could see straight through them, "I've given you... everything that I am... that I could be. I deserve an answer, at least."
Dick got to his knees and went to move to closer, to hold the redhead, to do anything, but Wally put out a hand to stop him. The hand spanned out over the blue insignia on his chest and rested over the quick hammering of his heart, where it stayed.
"An answer," Wally repeated slowly.
The ebony stayed on his knees, Wally's hand on his chest, before reaching up and slowly prying off the domino mask. The tears that hadn't soaked into the fabric took down his cheeks and the hand against him twitched, wide eyes on him. Weakly, eyes wet, he looked into Wally's own and set a hand up over his.
"Of course I do," he whispered, and another tear skimmed down his cheek.
Wally's lips flickered for a second, a small grin, and then it was gone again.
"Then why did you tell me no before?"
Dick looked anywhere but at him, focusing on their hands instead, squeezing a little harder. A small vein was highlighted against his forehead and it pulsed with the heart under Wally's fingers, his brows trembling in staying lowered.
"We can't ... be... anything, Wally. I know you. You get... you get bored of people so easily. We'll have... everything... be on top of the world for... months... maybe.. years... and then you'll get sick of me," he said brokenly.
He squeezed tightly now, to the point he knew it had to hurt a little because it was hurting him, but he couldn't bring himself to focus anywhere else. Not yet. Saying this much was more dangerous than taking off his mask had been. He'd been wanting to say all of this for months now, maybe longer. He had always known how he'd felt, and there was no way of lessening it, no matter what he did. But then, Wally laughed.
It wasn't ironic, it wasn't a chuckle- this was a real laugh, from deep in the chest, and it brought Dick's gaze up in surprise, his eyes wide. The sound was beautiful, and looking now, so was Wally. The freckles on his face matched the night sky above and his eyes crinkled the way the universe might've, but the only thing he needed now was right there with him, and the universe could go right on without them for all he cared.
"You're a moron, Dick Grayson," Wally grinned.
Dick's brows lifted. "What?"
The red glove wormed out of his hand and suddenly, he had arms around him, and they were falling back. When they stilled, Wally was on his back and he had Dick cradled to his chest, arms wrapped around the small of his back. Dick's hands rested on the lightning insignia and his eyes lay on that grin, so happy and hopeful again, even as broken as it was.
"If you really knew me... you'd know that I'll never get sick of you. I love you," Wally held his grin and ignored the sky above for the sky in his arms. "God, I love you. I love you, I love you, I love..."
Dick shook his head firmly, bringing his face down against the speedster's chest, fingers tightening against the spandex.
"Stop," he kept shaking his head, eyes now closed, "please."
In the dark of his mind, he could see little more than Wally's grin, and it made each 'I love you' hurt more than the last. He could feel Wally shake his head, too, arms tightening a little.
"No," he said stubbornly, and Dick felt where his eyes were, "You're... you have to have noticed. After you... rejected me... I..."
All at once, he remembered how Wally had looked that night. His cheeks had been bright and he had been all but glowing. Compared to who he had come out with tonight, he could've said they were two separate people.
"You haven't been sleeping," he murmured.
When Wally gave a laugh, a lot weaker now, he could hear it in his chest. "You did notice."
Dick didn't want to admit further. He knew how bad Wally had been hurting. He had done a lot more than notice. He had dreamed about fixing it. He had thought about crawling into bed next to the redhead and just holding him until he could get to sleep. Every little detail hadn't failed to escape his notice, and every detail stayed with him until he noticed the next one, and they kept getting worse, and worse, but he hadn't done anything to stop it. Wally could've seriously hurt himself, and he had avoided him because he was afraid of his feelings.
"The bags under your eyes were darker than my mask," he murmured, almost reluctantly, and then he couldn't stop. "You didn't eat. I could see your ribs in the locker room. You were punching walls... bruises on your fingers and I just... wanted to kiss every one of them... You would pull your hair and I'd want little more than to comb it even again. You would..."
He stopped himself there when his voice gave out, a few tears he hadn't intended spilling out onto the lightning bolt. Wally's arms were snug around him and it just felt right, even if he could feel all of the bones of the speedster's stomach digging into his own. Feeling Wally's heart there where he'd wanted it to be for so long... tears or not, he had needed this. They both had.
"Why didn't you?"
Dick turned to his cheek to better hear the steady thrum of the other's heart, giving a small sigh at the weakness in Wally's tone. He breathed the other's name, wishing it felt less foreign now.
"Why?"
Dick shut his eyes, not finding the strength in himself to keep them open any longer. "Because... if I let myself, I'm going to lose you and it's going to break me."
The redhead went completely still beneath him, and then he was holding him again, so much tighter.
"But you were fine with breaking me?"
He had asked it like he had asked the weather, simple and insignificant in nature, and it was the last push the ebony needed to break down and start sobbing. Wally stayed patient with him, still and quiet, never letting go. He pressed gentle kisses all throughout the dark locks, each one as soft as the last. Little by little, Dick calmed down, and he spent his first steady breaths as well as he knew how.
"I love you," he grinned through his tears against the spandex. "I love you so much. I'm sorry."
Wally's lips opened in a grin and he pressed it into the locks instead, letting himself laugh happily into them, knotting his fingers into the utility belt as he found himself needing something to hold.
"I know you're afraid, Dick, but you don't have to be afraid alone. You and me... we're going to go into that backroom together. I'm... I'm scared, too. But I know what I feel about you," he assured him, one hand coming up to run through the soft locks.
"I do, too," Dick whispered.
"Then we have nothing to be afraid of."
They laid there for a long time, in each other's arms under the night sky, and the world spun around and around with no regard towards them, and they were alright with that. Their tears dried and the pain lightened to soft smiles, and they were just holding each other. The sobs turned into soft laughter and everything aside from the 'I love you's was gone from their minds.
"Dick?" Wally asked after a long time.
Dick turned and set his chin on the insignia, turning his eyes up into the green ones.
"Would you... like to go out for dinner sometime?" the redhead asked slowly, earning a surprised laugh from the other. "Or maybe a movie? A walk through the park? A run across the ocean? Skydiving?"
The ebony's nose scrunched up and he gave a small smile, raising an eyebrow.
"I want to take on the world with you, Dick Grayson. We can start small though."
That's when Dick kissed him. It was clumsy and mostly just a brush as their heads hit and they both had to stop to laugh, but Wally took the back of his head in hand and they kissed there on the rooftop, starting small.
-F.J. III