Disclaimer:

The author of the following fan fiction would like to make the following disclaimer:

These Joss Whedon inspired stories are the result of someone's sad lack of social life and her best friend's equally sad lack of social life. In no way are the characters or scenarios depicted supposed to be demeaning or humiliating in any way to any persons, living or dead, and are based solely on the professional creations of the god known on our humble planet "Earth that was" as Joss Whedon.

Should someone take offense to this or any other "Big Bad" fan fictions, please contact "The Big Bad" for a full refund and lobotomy. Also known as Alyxx.

Chapter 1

"Lies" River cried out suddenly, "All of them: lies!" She threw down her fork and leapt up from the table.

"River, wait!" Simon followed right behind her, nearly knocking over Inara, who was coming into the galley from her shuttle.

"What's wrong with her now?" complained Jayne, as he shoveled in a forkful of the apple pie that Kaylee had managed to whip up with the remaining apples and protein supplements (essentially it was what they had just eaten for dinner).

"Who's to know," Mal said solemnly, silently admiring Inara's beauty and grace despite the less than glamorous setting she and the rest of the crew lived in. "Inara, wasn't expecting to see you for a bit now, did one of your clients bale when he saw your rates, or was there another ball planet side that you just couldn't resist not taking me to? We all know how well I do at your parties."

"Neither" Inara replied, trying to sound contemptful, but that was very difficult when she had deep emotions for the man in front of her, "Obviously you've lost your sense of time along with your latest cargo. Once again, Mal, what was the last cargo you actually delivered, dolls, right? With big, wobbly heads?"

"You just had to bring it up didn't you?" Mal answered, "Every time we lose cargo, you just have to bring up the dolls. I mean at least we got paid for that last shipment."

"What was it the third job with the little wobbly headed dolls?" Inara asked with a scoff.

"Hey, those dolls were a huge hit," Mal said defensively, "And the coin was good, and that's what matters."

"Yeah, I thought we was gonna do another go-round with them dolls next stop at Persephone," Jayne added, "At least we get paid for them."

"Mal, I've got a call for you up here" Vera called over the intercom.

"Be up there in a sec" Mal replied, straightening out his jacket, then looked over his shoulder for one last glimpse at Inara, who had her back turned and was talking to Kaylee.

River was hiding in the infirmary of all places, holding a bottle of Kortraphine and whispering about lies and secrets.

"River, what do you have there?" asked Simon, reaching for the bottle.

"Mal, doesn't know what he wants… Yes he does… she doesn't know what she wants… he does… he is…" she whispered staring intently at the bottle, but keeping it out of Simon's reach, "She's trapped… can't get out… like a fly caught in a web… doesn't know that she's the spider too… like a black widow… eats her mate… takes the money… no commitment…"

"River, what are you talking about?" Simon asked, again reaching to take the bottle, "River, did you use that?"

"No, silly… I know what I want… but I don't… no… this is for them… they don't know the real them… don't know the truth" River replied, once again jerking the bottle out of Simon's reach.

"River, what's in the bottle?"

"Kortraphine… the handy dandy truth candy…" she giggled at her rhyme, showing Simon the bottle finally, "one drop… and it all comes out… the not lies… the true Mal… the true Inara… today is the day that we meet the real people… like Shan Yu…" she then collapsed into inaudible muttering.

"River…" Simon began.

"Or maybe I'll slip it on you… you and Kaylee… no power in the 'verse can stop me… no bits of apple today… not on your bed… not on mine… I am the girl… not the monster… not the gorram doll… I am River."

"Yes you are" Simon replied wrapping his baby sister in a hug.

"Badger, didn't know you knew how to work with such hi-tech equipment," Mal said to the computer screen that now had the image of Badger, the "business man", on it.

"Yeah, it's a bit of a miracle, that," Badger replied with a grungy grin, "You see, the guy that I had finish that job you dropped brought me up to speed on my equipment, see? Guy calls his self 'Mr. Universe'. Funny ol' bloke he is; says he knows you and Zoë, name mean anything to you?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact it does, especially considering the fact that he won't leave his equipment to save the world, how is it that you got him to finish that job when I've still got the cargo sitting in Serenity's belly right this very moment?" Mal asked darkly, "And I do know for a fact that Mr. Universe wouldn't leave his equipment for a rodent like yourself."

"Well now, sounds like you and me have ourselves two separate men," Badger replied, "and how is it that my man delivered me my cargo three days ago, and yet it's still sitting in that piece of gose' ship of yours?"

"I'm sure I haven't got the slightest idea," Mal said nonchalantly, "It's been a pleasure, Badger, but I really do need to get back to my ship, so if you don't mind… piss off." At that Mal ended the link and called everyone up on the bridge.

"You called, sir" Zoë said once she got up onto the bridge and into her dearly departed husband's seat.

"I did, actually. It seems that Badger got himself a new smuggler, calls himself 'Mr. Universe'," Mal began, "Now, we all know the Mr. Universe has his little quirks, he's especially known for the one where he's dead. Which begs the questions, who is this new self proclaimed 'Mr. Universe', what's he got on our guy, and why's he running around as our guy?"

"Uh, Mal, since we know that it's not the real Mr. U, then why's we talking about it?" Jayne put in, "I mean, we've got the cargo, but this guy got our money, shouldn't we be talkin about that instead of who he's pretendin' to be?"

"Well," Kaylee followed, "It could be that he's that operative… he knew Mr. Universe…"

"Absolutely, Kaylee," Mal replied, " And if that's the case, then we're all in trouble again. Now, Vera, you set course for Persephone, we're gonna meet Badger, show him the real cargo, and maybe get a look at this so-called 'Mr. Universe', alright?"

"Sorry, Captain," Simon said abruptly as he jogged up to the bridge, "River was hiding, and I couldn't find her. What'd I miss?"

"Not much, just that we're gonna be settin' down on Persephone in a few days' time, thought everyone should know." Mal answered."

"He's lying!" River said in a playful, sing-song voice.

"River!" Simon objected.

"Excuse me?" Mal asked, taken aback, "I am not lying. Where'd she get that, Doc?"

"Who's to know, running around with the great doll smugglers," Inara put in almost drunkly.

"She's lying too!" River sang, "Spiders caught in their own web, can't get out…" and then she ran from the bridge with Simon once again right behind her, and Kaylee after him.

"Okay, then, now that that excitements over, let's get with the setting course to Persephone, Vera," Mal said after Inara had stalked out, "Zoë, could you go check on the kids, make sure they don't kill each other, and… I'll… well… I'll go do my captainy… things."

Author's Note: Actually, the author couldn't be here and she'd like all of you to know that reviewing is the only way to produce more of the story...snerks Okay! It's really the half bottle of vodka and jello shot that do the work. But...bottle is empty! AHHH!