If there where words for the way Dean felt in this moment, they escaped him. The rather sudden (Though the thoughts had been planted in his mind for some time now) onslaught of emotions he had never truly experienced before with any other where raging around in his head like hellhounds in combat with leviathans. Castiel had been injured in a tussle with an angel, a fight that he had not even been lucid for. The grip that Naomi held on him was vice, unyielding and Castiel was slowly loosing himself, his personality, his morales. The angel was slipping further and further away from Dean even though they had just recently leveled out the angst previously held due to Cas' betrayal. He felt as if everything he had been through with the angel, all the repairs and patches they fastened where slowly unraveling. The hunter, if he was being truthfully honest with himself, didn't want to loose his friend again. It pained him, gave him aches that spread through his chest like a wild fire that even plagued and haunted his dreams.
When Castiel had popped up out of thin air he wore wounds that where fresh, leaking out white light. Dean had seen Castiel beaten up before but for some reason this time around he felt a surge of fear bolt through his stomach. While Cas assured Dean he had not been mortally injured the hunter was still shaken, even as he watched with his own eyes as the wounds slowly healed. It struck a dormant chord in Dean. Having lost so many people already the thorns and sickles of pain and fear consumed him completely. The room had been suffocating and Dean couldn't handle it a second longer, slamming his hand against the nearest wall (nearly breaking a bone) he yelled at Cas, begging and yelling for him to go away. For him to go away and stay away. The angel disappeared with a hurt expression and the noise of rustling wings. Guilt wrapped its sharp claws around Dean's tired heart, piercing and prodding, but he never lost sleep over the guilt. What he lost sleep from was the whiskey, which clouded his thoughts and muddled his senses. At that moment in time alcohol poisoning was a sweet release, a siren song lulling Dean into the ocean.
But that sweet escape, which was just within his grasp slipped away yet again as it had several times before. The feelings where even worse after Dean roused from a dreamless sleep, he never intended to fall asleep in the first place. He decided to blame the whiskey since Sam had gone on a recent liquor run, the stuff wasn't the cheap crap Dean had grown so used to. This stuff burned his throat and belly with each sip, it was strong and did the job wonderfully.
That was the first night in about a year that he hadn't prayed to Cas.
Dean was running. Dodging and avoiding. Sam took notice, but not even his brothers words of encouragement would help him through this hurdle. That morning was also the first time in a long time that he hurt his baby, smashing in the front window, crowbar in one hand whiskey in the other. The hunter didn't regret it, channeled his anger and pent up angst and lashed out. It was the only thing he truly really ever knew how to do. Lash out and kill things, save the world, save people, loose family. Loose Cas. But they had always managed to find themselves right back together again. That didn't mean that Dean had forgotten or cared any less about the past. Because god damn he cared, he wished he didn't. Which is where the alcohol and woman came into play. Lately it hadn't been woman and booze on Dean's mind. He wished for the simpler days back.
Every thought surrounded one person.
Castiel didn't show up the next day, or the day after that, or the following day, weeks had passed. Dean messed up. Dean really messed up. Everything was so raw and in the forefront of his mind. He knew he acted rashly. He hadn't been lashing out on Castiel that night but himself. For letting the things that he tried so carefully to bottle up come to the surface.
Two months had passed since Castiel had checked in on the winchesters.
When he did show up he caught Dean alone just like he wanted to. Castiel knew that Sam had no business in his private conversations with Dean. The angel had appeared suddenly in the backseat of the Impala, Dean was parking into a hotel parking that was closest to their case of the week when he heard the tale tell sign of rustling feathers. He gripped the steering wheel tight, parking the car, turning it off and immediately their eyes met in the rear view mirror. Castiel's eyes held an emotion Dean couldn't put his finger on, and he knew he was glaring back at the angel. Guilt didn't make it's presence known. They stayed like that for 3 minutes which felt like an eternity before Dean growled out a low I thought I told you to go away.
Dean was barely conscious of the two fingers that he felt press into his forehead, whisked inside of the shady hotel room him and Sam where staying in.
"Damnitt Cas I don't have time for this shit right now!" Dean grit out, his teeth clenched so hard together he felt his teeth squeak in protest. The small touch on his cheek jostled the hunter, it was a small affectionate gesture he hadn't been expecting.
"During my time of absence, I have committed acts I swore to god i would never do. My conscience mind is slipping further and further away from me Dean... But with the time that I have had with myself... I have become very close with a human emotion that has baffled me in all my time as an angel watching over you humans." Castiel's eyes where swimming with several emotions, flickering through each briefly, his hand still softly cupped Dean's cheek. Dean wanted to push Castiel away. Wanted to run away again. Wanted to yell and scream at the top of his lungs until he was blue in the face. But instead of doing any of those things, his face softened and he found himself leaning in to the touch. A look of desperation was carved deep into dean's face as he closed his eyes, his breath hitched softly. Dean had never known anything but the love of a mother, and the drive of his father whose cause revolved around their entire families existence. Dean Winchester was scared.
"In all my time having watched humans for a very long time Dean, I have never bothered with emotions. But you taught me bits and pieces. I rebelled for you, I do things for you, My purpose solely revolves around you. It has for some time now."
"You shouldn't have..." The faintest of whispers trailed from Dean's lips. Castiel had sharp ears and heard every word.
"Because you deem who is worthy and unworthy?"
"No. I don't. But you coulda' avoided all this. This mess and chaos that you where dragged into because you raised me from perdition."
"Heaven would have saved you if it had not been me Dean Winchester. Another angel would have gripped you. Heaven laid siege on hell just to free you."
"Not because i was worth saving. Cas the only damn reason i was raised was to be Michael's sword. To finish the apocalypse."
Dean snapped his eyes open with the intent of pushing cas away and running. But when he locked eyes with the angel he was lost. Lost in the deep blue of Cas' eyes swimming with raw human emotions, focused only on Dean. His heart rate increased as he stared back refusing to be the first to glance away. Dean's heart swelled painfully and his stomach lurched, he felt sick. He wanted to run he did, but he was just so damn tired of running. From the apocalypse. From Castiel. From himself. From this, whatever it was that they had between themselves. Dean gave in, was selfish for once. The hunter felt himself slowly leaning downwards his face a mere inch from Cas'.
"You always scold me about personal space Dean." But Dean knew the angel understood what this meant from the small hitch he heard.
"That doesn't really matter right now cas..." Dean breathed out his heart was pounding hard in his chest, ringing through his ears.
"Dean... My vessels heart beat is alarmingly fast..." The angel whispered out as Dean slipped his hand around Castiel's neck. Everything felt so right, Dean felt his guilt and anger melt away as he stared into ocean blue orbs that glistened with water. Dean for once in his entire life wanted this. Wanted to be close to Castiel in this way. And he had Always known it. Always knew that he wanted castiel like this, but pride blocked his way. Dean's head was swimming, softly massaging the base of cas' skull.
"That's ok... It's ok..." Dean himself whispered out his words. They caught in his throat and sounded to soft for his own liking. But everything flew out the window when he felt the angel press his lips fully against Deans. It was a soft and rather chaste kiss, but sparks lit up in dean's chest and he wrapped his free arm around castiel's body, pulling them closer. And finally, finally Dean felt whole. When they pulled apart Dean's lips where quivering as he whispered out a small I love you, before resting his head against the angel's shoulder. Small rivulets, tears fell softly onto castiel's trench coat.
"Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm," As Castiel spoke his right hand lined up perfectly with the handprint he had left on dean's shoulder. "for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the lord." Castiel proceeded to kiss Dean's hair, threading his free hand's fingers through chestnut hair. "Many waters cannot quench love, neither can floods drown it. If a man offered for love all the wealth of his house, he would be utterly despised. Song of Solomon 8:6-7" Castiel whispered out the last lines of the biblical psalm.
"Dean Winchester, you where chosen when i saved you, because you deserved to be saved and loved..." The angel whispered soft words and lifted Dean's head so that their lips connected.
I chose to raise you, I chose to stay by your side. Let me stay by your side...
It was the next morning that Dean woke up alone, a tan trench coat soaked in blood covered him. Dean gripped it like a security blanket letting out strings of curses when a note fell from the pocket.
"I wished I could have stayed with you longer... ~Castiel" Was written in neat ornate cursive words, a single black feather tied to the corner of the note...
FIN
AN: Dean tests the waters previously un-adventured. Plays with the turmoil boiling in his veins. He's tired of running away, and Castiel is there to listen and to qualm the hunter's worries.
This was just a short little thing that wouldn't leave my mind until i had written it out. Enjoy.
Feel free to listen to the song Angel by massive attack while reading this.
All mistakes are my own this is unbeta'd.
This is also posted on ao3, and Deviantart. Find me on ao3 for The Winchester Gospels: The Hunter And The Angel.