We think our son is cool, smart, and talented, just like any other parents. Theres only one flaw in her life. We cannot STAND his mudblood girlfriend! We were about to Avada on her ass -[censored but we figured we could go on this teen, hip yet muggle tv show to get him a better fuc- [censored!, who is a pureblood!
Draco thinks that Hermione is a great fuc-[censored! and she is great when he needs answers for his homework. They have been dating for 5 hours! Cap of him cheating on his homework! Is it obvious we told him to do that? Will his parents find a better girlfriend for him? Or will he just end up picking Hermy-oh-ninny? Find out on PARENTAL CONTROL.
If you did not catch the first 2 seconds of our show, let us fill you in. Narcissa and Lucy-Izz think their son needs a better fuc[censored! in his life. Now they are meeting with random people to pick who their son should fuck [censored!
Narcissa and Lucy-Izz are questioning the potential fuck buddys of their son.
Narcissa was first to ask questions to a nice young lady who claims "She was on probation for 5 years and just wants a good fuck. We put her on the show to add drama and to try to make the viewers laugh!"
Narcissa: "Would you be willing to curse anyone who would harm our son"
-"Like, give them a lap dance"
-"I would show them my Wiccan ways and put my black cat on them. WICCA! But my horoscope told me that I shouldnt be dating men anymore"
-"Ohh! Can I show you an example! WHAT THE FUCK Bee-yotch? DONT HATE ON MY BF. Or Ill go NINJA ON YO ASS"
-"Like, huh?"
Lucius threw out the next question.
"Do you support Tom or Albus"
-"Like, Tom on Myspace? Cuz he is wiggity wack, son. I should show you some of those sexual bulletins, mmmhmmmm"
"Albus, my premonition told me to answer that"
"Bowff, cuz threesomes are da bomb diggity"
"Did you know Albus backwards is Subla?"
Lucius: "Would you ever date a mudb [censored
"Like, people with diesease? Well, if they were a good fuc [censored"
"All people are ill blooded, so i suppose... let me check with the devil'
"I dont date, just casually fuc [censored
"I dont believe in pre-maritial sex."
After getting rid of those girls, more canidates stepped up to the plate.
Narcissa: "What do you think of Hogwarts"
-"Omg do you have crabs too? Man this boy gave them to me, he said i asked him for the sex! but i cant remember anything about that night"
- "Isnt that that school in those magical harry potter books by JK Rowling"
3rd "Warts on Hogs? What kindof a question is that"
4rth "They are attractive if you put sauce on them."
Lucius: "Can you take a crucio"
- "ohh is that a condom brand? I dont know i was allergic to trojan"
- "More harry potter questions? Well I suppose... I mean they seem pretty painful"
-"i stay away from drugs"
- "without the O on Crucio its Cruci which reminds me of my old dog who tripped up the stairs once."
Narcissa: "If Draco got turned into a ferret and possibly be called that for the rest of his life by his arch enemy, would you still date him"
-"i honestly dont know. ive never fuc-[censored!ed a ferret. are they like cats"
- "okay, that already happend! wait, this is draco malfoy were talking about! What the hell? You want me to date him?! Im no death eater, Im a freeging muggle!!!!" Leaves
-"well its impossible for him to turn into a ferret, so yeah id stay with him"
- "your sons name is draco? interesting. that reminds me of my x husband"
Lucius: "How old are you"
- "forty four"
Lucius: "righttt. please leave... or better yet meet me after the show and ill show you places youve never been before." smirks
- "well ive been to every continent and traveled on every ocean. so i doubt you can show me anything exciting. Peace!" leaves
Lucius:"DAMN!"
After eliminating them, we walk across more!
Lucius: "Whats a bloody question we can ask!!?!!"
1rst- "Hi Im pansy parkinson, youve met me before! Im in love with dracooo"
2nd- "Im Ginny Weasley, you look vaguely familar"
3rd-"HI Im harry potter... i just came out last week"
4rth- "Since harry came out i came out. im just here to prove im queer. Ohh yeah Im Ron Weasley."
PANSYS QUESTIONS Lucius: "Righttttt. So, Pansy, are you a muggle"
Pansy:"FUC[censored! THAT! MUGGLES CAN KICK THEMSELVES AND PERMORM CRUCIOS ON THEMSELVES TOO! BAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!"
Lucius whispers to Narcissa "If only she was attractive."
GINNYS QUESTIONS
Narcissa: "Right Gin-naynay, where would you take our son on the first date"
Ginny:"Well, i thought that guys chose. but i suppose id go to hogsmead for a romantic evening"
Lucy-izzz: "Cheesy but im sure a better fuc[censored! for draco than that mudblood."
HARRY POTTER QUESTIONS Narcissa: "Do you realize if you dated our son youd probably be used for the dark lords advantage"
Harry Potter: "Woah lady Im just here to to experience a date!!" sprints out
RON WEASLEY QUESTIONS Lucius: "I know your a man. Leave"
Ronald Weasley. "F THAT! AVADA KEVADRA"
Lucius and Narcissa look around. Lucius: "You just killed a plant! IDIOT"
Ronald Weasley: "My bad. Off to find Harry!" sprints out
Narcissa: "Well Lucius, I must say weve had interesting people. Even though the Pansy girl is unnatractive, we can always slip something into Dracos drink to make him think shes attractive." Lucy-Izzz: Well Narcis, That ginnay nay girl even though she is related to those awful weasleys, is very "Hott" or whatever term muggles are using these days. She has the "body of a coke bottle, and theface of a super model!"
starts beatboxing
Ginny Girl, Shes so fine.
Shes so fine she be blowin mah wizard mind!
Harry, hes decent for a guy now everyone throw your hands up and say AYYEEE
Narcissa: "Lucius, STFU."
NOW! ITS TIME FOR THE DATES! HOW WILL HERM-I-O-NINNY TAKE THE DATES! WILL THERE HAVE TO BE A REPLACED TV? FIND OUT ON PARENTAL CONTROL.
Commercial The Real World: HOGWARTS! Its about magical kids stuck in a house with no magic! Watch it! Starring Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Luna Lovegood, and Dean Thomas! shows clip Ginny is making out with Draco on the couch! Is this a spoiler for the show "PARENTAL CONTROL?!" Harry: "Ginny! I thought we were dating!" Ginny: "I THOUGHT YOU TURNED GAY ON THAT SHOW PARENTAL CONTROL!" Harry: "You know I was only getting money for us!" Shows Ginny slap Harry and then Ron and Hermione making out. Then, what is this? Draco and Dean.. IN BED? NOOO WAY! FIND OUT ON REAL WORLD: HOGWARTS! end of commercial
NOW! Back to our show, PARENTAL CONTROL!
Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy have thought over and chosen two blind dates for their son, Dray-coo! Hermi-o-ninny seems pretty pissed.
Hermione:"Draco, if you chose them you will have no one to copy off of. And Remember last night..." SMIRKS Lucius: "Listen mudblo [censored! Im sure your a horrible fuc[censored! SO DONT START BRAGGING!" Hermione: "Obviously Lucius youre only doing this so you can fuc[censored! me. But you know what, I have enough brains to know it. So sod off!" Draco: "Bloody Hell Hermy, I love it when your angry..." gives hermi-o-ninny hickey! Producer walks out. Producer: "Guys, uhmm Drac-oh or whatever you can't do that, you signed a contract...OMG WERE GONNA HAVE TO CENSOR THIS!" [censored![censored![censored! bouncers come out [censored![censored! Hermione: "Draco well just have to wait til later." Smirks! Draco: SMIRKS! Lucius: "Draco you will love my pick. Even though Im supposed to despise her, in this particular story im what fanfic writers call -OOC-. I think it stands for over-rated out-of- character. But I am not overrated!" cries Narcissa: "Honey, how about you just talk about your pick, I told you about the counseling and your feelings and mentioning them on the tele." Lucius: "Im sorry Narcis, Im just emotional that he might still pick the mudblo[censored!. Narcissa: "Now now dear." Lucius: takes a deep breath"Very well, bring her in!" knock at the door! Lucy-Izz: "Ill get it!"
commercial! dont miss the show NEXT, coming up, ironically, next! Heres a clip! "Ron Weasley is looking for a girl [or guy! to date! Will someone last over 35 minutes with this brute?" end of commercial!
BACK TO PARENTAL CONTROL! Another recap of whats happend in the 6 minutes youve seen our show. Dray-coos parents want him to pick another girl, besides hermi-o-ninny. Here comes the girl!
knock on the door! Lucius: "Ill get it!" opens door to reveal a double D red head with a skinny body with long volumous hair. Ginny: "Hi." Draco: SMIRKS! checks her out gets drool on Hermione! Hermione: "Draco!" slaps his arm Draco: "Be back Later..." glances around the room "oh right, Hermione!" walks over to Ginny Hermione:" GINNY WEASLEY? WHAT HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?" Ginny: "After all the stories I wanted a go!" Hermione: "BEE-YOOTCH!" Ginny: "And Proud Babe."
Ginny takes Dracos hand and walks out the door. Lucius: "Now a real date! "
Narcissa: "Remember shes a WEASLEY though. Lets hope he picks mine. "
Lucius thoughts "yeah so i could take the weasley muahahahahahahahahahahah! "
Ginny: "So Draco, today on our date we will be going swimming." [Is it obvious we wanted the dates to do something sexual? Draco: SMIRKS! Ginny: "I brought you bathing suit, here you go!" hands him a speedo Draco: SMIRKS!
Hermione: "Im gonna avada her ass." Narcissa: "But then Potty and Weasel will be oh so upset." Hermione: "Silencio!" Narcissa: mouth moving Hermione: "What was that?" Narcissa: mouth moving Hermione: SMIRKS! Lucius: "Mudblo[censored! I think were both way OOC." Hermione: "Yeah well This is just another "OOC" humor fic." Lucius: "Yeah well my counselor told me not to worry about it." Hermione: "Bahah counseling!? The author only gave me the smirks of OOC diesease. "sighs' Lucius: "At least you wont loose your manhood!" Hermione: "BUt Im loosing my oh-so innocent look. Come on now, you know thats the only reason those harry potter obssesed kids buy the books." Lucius: "Whatever. Without myself there would be no plot, what now biatchh!?" [censored... came a little too late. Hermione: SMIRKS! "Gahh what is this uncontrollable smirking!?" Lucius: sobbing I dont know!
Ginny: "Lets get closer to eachother." moves over to him Draco: SMIRKS! Ginny: "So what do you do in your freetime?" Draco: SMIRKS! Ginny: "I bet Im better than Hermione." Draco: SMIRKS! Ginny: "Wayy better." Draco: Smirks! Ginny: "Okay, enough smirking!" Draco: mouth trembeling trying not to SMIRK! Ginny: "Lets go get a snack." Draco: "Alrightey." smacks Ginnys as[censored!
Narcissa: mouth moving Lucius: "What now mudbloo[censored! Hermione: "Im gonna hex both of their arses. What curse today? Bat Boogey?" Lucious: "No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" crying Hermione: SMIRKS!
Ginny:"Draco, would you like some pig?" Draco: "No thanks im a vegetarian." Ginny: "Wait, and Hermione is not a vegetarian! It must be awful!" Draco: "Ehh well. Are you one?" Ginny: "BAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHA No!" Draco: Smirks then looks confused Ginny: "Why do you smirk all the time?" Draco: "Just because that Jk Rowling chick does it sometimes, so all these fan fic writers think that I should smirk alot." Ginny: "That sucks. I always get the slut vibe. Or when Harry leaves I always get with another man straight away and the readers get pissed. But I mean, I agree with the writer. I needed a good fuck[censored!ing after Harry died, dontcha think?" Draco: "Oh I totaly understand." SMIRKS
Hermione: "OMGAHHH! BITCHES!"[the censor button man was sleeping... Narcissa: mouth moving. Lucius: "Well Mudblood [still sleeping... if you didnt add drama to this oh so exciting show, Id have to silencio your ass, but yet, that would also bring back the memory of my wife being sliencio-ed by your ass. Oh wait! Its still happening! sobs Hermione: Smirks! "Oh my god! What a terrible author! She keeps making me smirk at all the wrong times!" Smirks!
Draco: "So whats next for the date?" Ginny: "The producers told me to do something sexual." Draco: SMIRKS! Didnt see that smirk coming! Ginny: "Id thought we would just make out for a while." Draco: "Alright." Sticks tongue out and leans towards her.
Hermione: "OH MY FUCKI [censored.. finally awake mate? GOSH!" Lucius: "What did you expect? Hes a horny teen." sobs "If I had only brough up a gentleman." Hermione: SMIRKS! "THATS IT! BOMBARDA!" television blows up Lucius: "There that author goes. Stupid. She only uses stuff that she heard from the movies. I think that one was used when you broke that Serious Fellow out of prison." Hermione: "Yeah I know. Arent you pissed your tele is gone?" Lucius: "Oh my!" SOBS Hermione: SMIRKS!
Ginny: "Well we better get you home then." Draco: "Yeah I suppose." SMIRKS Ginny: smiles. Grabs dracos hand
knock on the door! Hermione:"Ginny, you're a slut!" [censored came late again. this time someone put something in his coke... Ginny:"And Proud babe." Ginny smiled and walked out the door.
Draco: "Thanks Mom and Dad." Hermione: "DRACO!" Draco: "Dont worry babe I will always remember last night..." SMIRKS Hermione: SMIRKS!
COMMERCIAL BREAK-
BACK TO PARENTAL CONTROL
Okay, I dont know why you would tune in this late, but just in case, lets talk about whatshappend. Draco Malfoy's parents want him to have a better girlfriend. Ginny Weasley was first up at bat. Now, the second canidate, Pansy Parkinson!
knock on the door
Draco: "Ill Get it"
Narcissa: Mouth moving
Hermione: "Let me guess, another slutty girl with big breasts? Too bad I know a spell to make mine bigger"
Lucius: "Yada Yada Yada, you know what spell I know"
Hermione: "This is where youre going to say some crap like "Avada Kedavra" and this is where I tell you to shut up. "Silencio!" SMIRKS
Lucius: mouth moving
Hermione: "Damn, this is getting fun. Draco, who did your slut for a mother pick"
Draco: "Oh Lord, Its Pansy"
Hermione: "Who in Merlins pants names their kid Pansy"
Pansy: "Who the [censored! says Merlins Pants? WTF was up with the 7th book"
Hermione: "Yeah it was more OOC than this story"
Pansy: "I think thats the first thing we've agreed on, mudblood"
Hermione: "Yeah Yeah Yeah"
Draco: "So, what do we do now"
Hermione: "Well since the tv is kindof broken I suppose I need to witness the date, so lemme come with yall"
Pansy: "I suppose, we better check with the damn producers"
Draco: "Ugh, hurry up I just want some pussy"
Hermione: "Then pick me"
Pansy: "Draco would you honestly pick this virgin over me"
Draco: "SHUT THE MERLINS PANTS UP"
Hermione: "WE BELONG TOGETHER"
Pansy: "Oh HELLA No. You end up with that fucking weasley! Censor man, if you censor this Ill Crucio your grandma, bitch! MERLINS PANTS"
Censor Man: "What the fuckin hell? Im so totally out of here. Peace, Parental Control"
Producer: "Bye mannn! YO kids, wizards, whatever the heck is the new hip crap you guys come up with to roll with your homies. Try to limit your language"
Draco: "Yeah"
Pansy: "Whatever"
Hermione: "Yes, sir. Man! Maybe Im getting back into character! SMIRKS! DAMN"
Producer: Smirks
Draco: Smirks
Pansy: "WTF is up with the smirking?!?!" Smirks
Draco: "I dont know, but lets go on your date"
Pansy: "Okay, hold my hand Drakie
Draco: "Dont call me Draco or Ill pick Hermione"
Pansy: "Draco! Youre so funny. A sense of humor always wins me over"
Hermione: "Witch, PLEASE! You know you are so on him for his looks. He has no personality except that damn smirk. Merlins Pants, why am I even dating this brute"
Draco: "Because I am sooo sexy"
Hermione: "Oh yeah, thanks for the reminder"
Draco: "No Problem"
Pansy: "MUDBLOOD AINT SPOSED TO TALK REMEMBER"
Hermione: "OH, yeah"
Draco: "Moving on with this oh so wonderful date"
Pansy: "Dont worry Draco by the end of the night I wont let you get herpes, and if you do you can just perform this ANTI-Herpes spell like me"
Draco: "Heh"
Hermione: "Thats nausiating!... HEY BIG VOCAB WORD!" SMIRKS
Pansy: "Okay Drakie the date's over"
Draco: "What? Uhh, okay"
Hermione: "Thank GOD"
Draco: "The producers told me after all these dates I have to go back to my room and pretend Im really depressed and not knowing who I am going to pick"
Hermione: "Good Luck, Draco"
Pansy: "If you dont pick me youre a pansy"
Draco: "
Hermione: "
Pansy: "
Ginny: "
Lucius: mouth moving
Narcissa: mouth moving
Harry: "
Ron: "
Hermione: "What are you guys doing here you werent chosen for anything"
Ron: "Were here to see who Draco picks, you see Hermione"
Harry: "We have something to tell you"
Hermione: "Yes"
Ron: "WERE DATING"
Hermione: "
Draco: "
Pansy: "Huh"
Harry: "We've come out of the closet"
Ron: "Yeah"
Hermione: "Ew, sup with today? Its soo OOC"
Pansy: "Some would argue that Jk Rowling herself makes characters OOC"
Hermione: "But she WRITES the books"
Pansy: "Whatever, no one cares what you have to say, Mudblood"
Ginny: "This day is pretty whack. My X lover and Brother turn homosexual, and I join a reality TV show. Merlins Pants"
Pansy: "WTF is up with Merlins pants"
Draco: "Well I've made my decision"
Hermione: "Oh Draco"
Pansy: "Shut up mudblood! Honestly, you need to STFU, for SERIOUS"
Sirius: "Someone called me"
Harry: "Sirius! You're dead"
Sirius: "No Harry"
Ron: "Damn! This is great"
Sirius: "Yes"
Harry: "Bloody Hell, and to think all this time Ive been so MOODY"
Mad-Eye Moody: "Who Called me!? You better make this quick"
Hermione: "Mad-Eye? I thought you were dead"
Mad-Eye Moody: "Do you think they could get rid of me that easily? Hella-NAW"
Ginny: "This is straight up triflin"
Ron: "Word up my sistah"
Draco: "All this thinking is hurting my head"
Hermione: "You know, this might sound really random, but you know what I want to be when I grow up?!? A Doctor who mends BONES"
Susan and Amelia Bones: "Ello"
Harry: "
Ron: "RANDOM MUCH"
Ginny: "Hi Susan"
Susan: "Ey Ginny! Notice Im the only one who is actually sounding British right now"
Ginny: "Dawg, STFU"
Amelia and Susan apparate away.
Ginny: "Random question, Draco go away and think about your decision while I ask this"
Draco: "Alright"
Harry: "What a pansy pushover"
Pansy: "Tell me about it"
Ginny: "So, whats square and has tiny squares inside of it"
Harry: "Ha-GRIDS"
Rebeus Hagrid: "Eyy Harry"
Harry: "Hagrid"
Hermione: "This is way too out of line and ridiculous for reader's taste"
Harry: "Stop being so uptight Hermione"
Hermione: "MERLINS PANTS"
Draco: "Okay everyone gather around I've made my decision"
Harry: "I hope he picks me"
Ron: "WHAT"
Harry: "I mean, oh come on"
Ginny: "Ouch, Ive Her-my-knee"
Draco: "You have Hermione"
Ginny: "No, Ive hurt-my-knee"
Draco: "Oh, anyways, moving on"
Hermione: "GET ON WITH IT"
Draco: "Okay, Ive had alot of fun on these dates. I mean its like memory lane with you guys. All these aurors have showed up, many who Ive thought were deceased"
Hagrid: "Dis is so emotional"
Draco: "And Ive come to reach my decision"
Hermione: "YAY"
Pansy: "Shut up ya pansy"
Draco: "My final decision has come down to"
Ron: "DRUM ROLL PLEASE"
everyone taps the floor
Hermione: "Oh the suspense"
Ron: "Tell me about it"
Lucius: mouth moving
Narcissa: mouth moving
Hagrid: crying
Harry: "CHOOSE ME"
Ginny: "I suppose I could just shag Harry after this..."
Draco: "NO BODY"
All together: "WHAT"
Draco: "Yeah I need a night on the town being single"
Hermione: "After all those hours together you are just going to up and leave me"
Harry: "YA PANSY"
Ron: "YA PANSY"
Narcissa: "YA PANSY!- Oh the silence charm wore off"
Lucius: "YA PANSY"
Ginny: "YA PANSY"
Pansy: "YA PANSY"
Hagrid: "YA PANSY"
Producer: "YA PANSY"
Draco: "Yeah yeah yeah. Merlin's Pants, who's that hott girl"
knock on the door
THE END!