Rewind
SP. Songfic. Phil POV. Angsty little thing to mark the anniversary of Romania.
Sorry for not writing much, so much work on at the moment. I'll post when I can.
Song is Rewind by Paolo Nutini. Reviews are loved! (Apologies for any mistakes!)
I should have known. I'm kicking myself now because I know I should have known that it wouldn't last. In my life I've been blessed with good things but I always seem to wreck them. I'm my own worst enemy and sometimes I hate myself; but never more than I hate myself now.
Somehow I ended up with the woman I love most in world yet I managed to ruin this too. I have spent so many years trying to prove to her that I've changed and that I'm not the same womanising bastard she used to know. I wanted her to know that I was taking our relationship seriously and that I had no intention of ever losing or hurting her. But somehow I only made things worse. Could it be that I, Phil Hunter who has always feared lifelong commitment to just one woman had scared off someone like Samantha Nixon because I was too serious about us?
I took the break up harder than I thought I would. In my relationships it was usually me who ended things or if it wasn't I was usually with someone who I didn't really care about. With Sam it was different. To begin with Sam is different to any other woman I have ever dated. She's intelligent, she's feisty and she knows what she wants and how she is going to get it. I admire her and respect her. Of course she's beautiful and she must know she turns every head whenever she walks into a room but with Sam it's so much deeper that appearances. Not so long ago I hated her; hated her with such a passion that I didn't realise that I was hiding behind different feelings for her. Maybe to begin with I resented the fact she waltzed in and stole the Acting DI's position from underneath me but I soon saw how good she was at the job. It didn't take long for me to realise that I never hated her; in fact what I've always felt for her has been quite the opposite.
Romania was mind-blowingly amazing. There are some parts of that insane trip which I would rather not repeat but the good moments seriously outweigh them. Not a day passes when I don't think about that night with Sam in that grotty hotel or what happened when we got back. I lived in hope for days that this would be more than a one-night stand. I got my wish, or at least I thought I had, and our relationship started well. It was a shame that it couldn't continue on such a good note. Andrea chose just the wrong moment to turn up and remind both me and, of course, Sam about my less than white past.
We were getting on better again, after my secondment Sam really acted like she had missed me. I don't quite know how this made me feel. It was strange, she had hated me, maybe even loved me but I couldn't deal with this detached kind of working friendship we had. It wasn't us. We're not the kind of people who do things by halves. I'd rather have Sam hate me with that intensity that she did before than to have her not care one way or another about me.
Just as things were getting back on track again the Monica Dreyfuss situation happened. I'm not sure who I disappointed the most myself or Sam but I've been beating myself up over it ever since.
It is almost a year since Romania yet the memories are still as fresh as if it all happened just last week. I haven't stopped loving Sam and I doubt I ever will but it is time to move on with my life as I know there is no use in trying to rewind.