So I've been in tears these past few days because of the death of Campbell Saunders. He was my favorite character and Camaya was my opt. I'm mad that Dylan isn't going to be in any more episodes, but I'm proud of Degrassi for putting something like suicide into one of the episodes. I personally know how a suicide can affect different people and an entire school, and I think it was a good thing for Degrassi writers make known to the audience. So I'm going to write this while being sad that he's actually gone so here it goes. I DON'T OWN DEGRASSI OR ANY OF ITS CHARACTERS.
Music used to be my refuge. That was until Campbell Saunders died. Everything I see, everything I hear, everything I think of finds its way to remind me of him. I can't even sleep in my bed without thinking about him. That's what I hate about the night time. I have nothing to get the memories from coming back. Music used to put me to sleep at night, music and the sound of Cam's voice on the other end of phone telling me goodnight. Sometimes he would hum along to whatever song was playing because he knew that I loved it. I haven't touched my cello since I played after Principal Simons told me he was gone. Katie asked me why I haven't played since. I always respond with a sad smile and a tear in my eye as I say, "He didn't come." I know she doesn't understand it, but to me, it makes perfect sense. Whenever I was upset, I would play the cello and somehow Cam would magically appear and make everything better. That's what I thought would happen if I played, but he never came. Now my cello, guitar, and all my sheet music are shoved into the corner of my closet under blankets to keep it out of my sight. All the music has been deleted of my phone because somehow Cam is connected to every song on it. A couple days after it happened, I tried listening to a random song on my phone. The rest of the day was a blur because I spent it crying. I sat in a corner and cried for hours on end until I finally fell asleep. However, I can't even escape my problems with sleep. Every time I close my eyes I can see his smiling face looking back at me. I haven't slept more than an hour ever since it happened. I can never get him out of my mind; the thing is I don't know if I want him off my mind. Whenever I wanted to get distracted by something, I would pull out a complicated piece of music and try my hardest to master it within my first try. It worked every time. That is, when I actually played my cello. Whisper Hug fell apart since I couldn't write music anymore. There goes another thing I could've used to distract myself, but every time I think of the band I remember the Battle of Bands and how Cam showed up even though I knew he was mad at me. I can't even go into my living room anymore. There are too many memories in there: our first kiss, the first time I heard him sing, and especially the night before it happened, the night Cam slept by my side for the first time. To be honest, I can't even bring myself to leave my room. All I've done since it happened is lie down under the covers wearing one of Cam's Ice Hounds sweatshirts which still has the strong smell that used to hypnotize me every time we hugged. My mom took it from me to wash it, but it came back with the same smell, still as strong as before. I still have the charm bracelet on my wrist that he gave me the day of the concert. It only has one charm because he never got the chance to see another concert. I know it's there, but I can't bring myself to look at it. I sometimes hold the charm in my hand and pretend that it's like me holding his hand. Under my pillow I have a CD that no one but me knows about. It's a CD that Cam made me. It has recordings of him singing my favorite songs because he knows that I love his voice. I can't listen to it because I know it will just lead to another breakdown. I can't seem to escape music though. Katie is always blasting something from her room. The punk rock songs find their own little way of reminding me of the boy that I fell in love with but never told. I always yell at her through the door to put on headphones and then go back to my bed and cry into my pillow, hating her for making all the memories flood back. I guess she sometimes forgets how much music can affect me. I don't blame her. Cam was probably the only person on this earth that will ever fully understand how much music influences my mood, my thoughts, and my overall look at life for a day. Now music seems like an enemy, a bully who will do anything to make me sad and upset about how my life is without Cam. Cam always encouraged my music and I did the same for him. I was the only one that knew about his singing talent, I mean aside from Tori, Tristan, and Zig. But, I was the only one that knew that he actually loved singing. Sure him singing for me would sometimes come at a price (mostly making out which I didn't mind at all) but it was always amazing when he would sing for me. That's probably what I miss the most about music. Not playing the cello, not being one of the best in the country, not being asked to audition for the Young Musicians Orchestra, but the fact that it was important to both me and Cam. It was a strong connection we shared with each other that made us love it even more. Now that Cam's gone, so is my love for music. I don't feel like music is the thing that I need for my life to be complete like I used to. The thing I need to be in my life is Campbell Saunders. He was the one that kept me sane. So now I guess that's why I'm not myself anymore. Cam isn't here anymore and my old self isn't either. That's why music isn't my refuge anymore. It simply isn't enough.