And another redo! I hope you guys like it more than the original!
Warnings: Self-Harm
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A sigh fell from Nathan's lips as he ran a hand over his stomach. He couldn't feel the slight rises in the skin or the way it got just a touch softer than the rest of his flesh, but he knew that they were there all the same.
There was a part of Nathan that hated himself for having them. He hated being reminded just how weak and stupid he was. He couldn't even handle his own emotions sometimes. How pathetic was that?
Another darker part of him though didn't care. It wasn't as if they caused him any pain when he gave them to himself. It wasn't as if anyone was around to see them. There was no real reason for him to care about them at all.
With another sigh he dropped his hand to his side. He didn't want to think about them anymore. He didn't want to remember everything that he had done to himself over the years. He didn't want to think about how much he wanted to do it again.
He was trying so hard to put that part of his life in the past. It wasn't the first time that he attempted to walk away from it, but he was going to succeed this time. He had to succeed. He couldn't live like this anymore.
Even as he thought that though he had no idea what he was talking about. He was just tired of it all. If he could he'd lock himself away in his home and never come out. Not that being alone was any safer than being around other people.
It had been pointed out time and time again that he was his own worst enemy sometimes. Something that he was fully aware of. He just had no idea what the hell he was supposed to do to change that. It wasn't as if there was a guide.
He couldn't do that though. There was no place for him to go. He was the chief of police. He couldn't just disappear until he got his mind sorted out. Especially since he knew that if he hadn't been able to sort it out before he wasn't going to be able to do it now.
That didn't mean that he liked what he was doing. He knew that it was stupid and dangerous, but he couldn't stop. And he tried over and over and over to quit. He longest he had been able to go without though was only two weeks.
That hadn't even been his choice. He had ended up getting hurt badly enough that he had to go to the hospital. The look on the doctors face when she saw the damage he had caused himself was something that he would never forget.
For a moment Nathan was sure that she was going to call his dad and send him to the psych ward. Then it was brought up what his trouble was, a trouble that he hadn't even had at that point. It was like a switch was turned and she thought that explained everything.
He had never been more hurt and angry than in that moment. In a way his trouble did explain why he was covered in scars, but that wasn't the end of it. He wasn't just his trouble and for some reason people forgot that.
So he couldn't feel physical sensations. That didn't mean that he couldn't feel emotions. That didn't mean that sometimes the world and his own mind were too much for him to handle. That didn't mean he wasn't in pain!
None of that mattered though. To everyone that knew anything about him he was the little robot boy of Haven. Even when he didn't have his trouble that was what everyone thought of him as. A cold, unfeeling robot.
Letting his emotions take control Nathan picked up a coffee mug and sent it crashing into the wall. The noise broke something in him. Before he knew it he was throwing everything that he could get his hands on.
Broken glass and ceramic littered the floor along with papers and books. There were cracks and dents in the walls. It looked as if a tornado had hit his home. Something that ended up pissing him off even more than he already was.
His chest was heaving as he looked around his living room and kitchen. Slowly the anger that had consumed him faded away. His knees felt weak as he dropped to the floor and buried his face in his hands.
It had been awhile since he let his emotions run away from him like that. He had forced himself to learn to control them. It was either control them himself or let people run all over him. The choice had been pretty easy to make. Some days anyway.
In the end the person that he ended up becoming was one that he hated more than he liked to admit. After all this time though he knew that was no chance of him changing. This was all that he was ever going to be.
His shoulders sagged as the ever present helplessness filled his mind. He had backed himself into a corner that he was never going to get out of. Even if he did he didn't think it would be long until people pushed him right back to where he started.
Reaching out he picked up a shard of broken glass and started to turn it over in his hands. It looked so inviting as the overhead lights flickered over it. He had no idea if he what he wanted to do more. Use it on himself or throw it away.
He never got to make the choice though as his front door banged open and in walked Duke ranting about something that Nathan really didn't care about. Then the older man slowly came to a stop his brown eyes going over all the destruction before finally landing on the cop.
"Nathan?" Duke questioned his voice barely above a whisper, "What are you doing?"
For a moment Nathan stared up at his sometimes friend not knowing what to do. As much as he wanted someone to notice what was going on he never thought that that would happen. He definitely didn't think it would be Duke that found out.
"Jesus, Nathan, stop," Duke suddenly said dropping to his knees and pulling the cops hand towards him.
Looking down Nathan saw a fresh cut on his hand from gripping the glass too tightly. He had completely forgotten that he had been holding it. That wasn't what was supposed to happen. He was supposed to be giving it up.
Dropping his head down he stared at the floor not wanting to see the pity in Duke's eyes. That or he'd see nothing at all. At this point in their almost friendship he wasn't really sure which one would hurt more to see.
Nathan was so busy not looking at the older man that he didn't notice that he was being told to stand up until the ground suddenly shifted. He half expected to fall over until he saw hands on his chest holding him up.
Without thinking he pushed the other man hard enough that he stumbled back into the couch. Duke looked confused for a moment before sighing and standing up once more making his way closer to Nathan.
"Stop," Nathan growled glaring at the man.
"You need to clean that up," Duke responded crossing his arms.
Snorting the cop motioned to his still uncovered chest. Brown eyes instantly widened his mouth dropping open. Nathan watched as the man took a step forward his hand already reaching out to brush against him.
Without thinking he took a step back causing Duke to freeze himself. He looked so lost in that moment. Something that Nathan was pretty sure he had never seen on his friends face. He was always confident in everything he did.
"I said stop," Nathan repeated sounding weaker than he hoped for.
"What did you do to yourself?" Duke questioned as if he hadn't heard the younger man's words.
"It doesn't matter."
"Doesn't matter? Have you looked at yourself recently?"
"I know what I look like, Duke."
"And yet you're acting as if there's nothing wrong!"
"There is nothing wrong!"
Wanting the conversation to be over he started to walk out of the room only to be pulled back. Spinning around he used his free arm to throw a punch at the older man wanting nothing more than to be left alone.
"Damn it, Nathan," Duke yelled blood pooling on his split lip, "What the hell is wrong with you?"
"I said stop touching me," Nathan shot back angrily, "What part of that is hard to understand?"
"Then stop trying to walk away from me. I'm not leaving until you tell me why you look like you went ten rounds with Freddy Krueger."
"It doesn't matter!"
"Of course it matters!"
The two men stood there glaring at each other waiting for the other to break. It took a moment before Duke let out a sigh and ran a hand through his hair. For a moment Nathan was sure that he was going to finally leave him alone.
Which was exactly what he wanted to happen. At least that's what he kept repeating in his head as he took a deep breath. He wanted to be left alone so he could go back to do exactly the same thing that he did every night.
Staring at the older man he waited to see what he was going to do when he stared to lift his hand and reach for him once more. Shaking his head he took a few more steps back until they were half a room away from each other.
"Stop touching me," Nathan pleaded softly.
"Nathan," Duke sighed pulling his hand back.
"No, I'm tired of people touching me."
"Okay. I get that."
"Do you? You get what it feels like to have someone pull you back without knowing it? You know what it's like to look down at yourself and seeing the damage you've done to yourself or others have done to you and having no idea what or when it happened? Do you get having a watch controlling your every move so you remember to eat or go to the bathroom? What about having to check yourself out at least twice a day to make sure that you haven't hurt yourself too badly?
Every day I wake up knowing that I'm going to hurt myself without knowing it. I'm going to burn my mouth on coffee. I'm going to trip and bruise myself or twist my ankle. And through out that all I'm going to have people giving me pitying looks and touching my shoulder or back acting as if I'm suddenly going to get feeling back. They never stop to think that feeling people is worse than not feeling them!"
An air of awkwardness fell over the pair. Nathan never meant to say any of that. He had made sure to keep his thoughts and emotions to himself. It wasn't as if anyone was really interested in knowing what he was feeling anyway.
"Pity?" Duke asked after a pregnant pause, "Do you really think I pity you?"
"Duke," Nathan tried to start.
"No, you think I pity you. Seriously? When have I ever shown you pity? When we fight? When I call you names? What exactly have I ever done to make you think I 'pity' you?"
Clenching his jaw the younger man rocked from one foot to another. He really didn't want to think about what the man said. It wasn't as if he and Duke had a good relationship to fall back on either way.
"You know what I think?" Duke continued when the cop said nothing, "I think you're so scared of what's going on in your mind that you want to blame everyone else instead of just talking about it. And maybe it is their fault. Maybe it is my fault, but you act as if nothing can get to you so no one knows what you're thinking."
"What else am I supposed to do?" Nathan questioned back crossing his arms.
"Talk about it!"
"I was a child, Duke! Do you get that? I was a child when all of this started. I had no idea who I was supposed to turn to and when I did try to tell people what I was thinking they brushed it off because if I couldn't feel physical things then of course my emotions must be non-existent too."
"So hurting yourself was your brilliant plan to fix all of that?"
"There is no fix to this. Whether or not I can feel things I'm broken."
"You're not broken, Nathan. Angry, yes, but not broken. You can't keep acting like nothing can get to you."
"What's the alternative?"
A sigh fell from Duke's lips before he moved closer to Nathan once more. The older man made sure that he could be seen as he reached out once more and rested his hand on his shoulder. Even without feeling it the cop tensed under the touch.
"Me doing this isn't just for you," Duke stated calmly, "It's for me too. It's letting me know that you're alive. I know you can't feel it. I know that, but I also know just how hurt you get sometimes. I know that you're not going to tell me that you're hurt. So I touch you to make sure that you're standing there. Do you get that?"
"We're not friends, Duke," Nathan whispered his eyes darting over the older man's face.
"Come on, Nate, stop thinking in labels. I think we're past those. Can we clean up your hand now?"