Yes, I rewrote the first chapter. I don't know why.
"My name is Butters the Merciful. I'm a paladin."
That was all it took for Dovakiin's life to go to shit. Or, as every kid in South Park now referred to him, Douchebag. He couldn't decide what name was worse, considering both were pretty dumb.
Make some friends, his father had told him. It had seemed like such a simple task at the time. He was, of course, naturally gifted at befriending people.
So when this friendly and somewhat strange blonde kid he saved from getting the crap kicked out of him shot him a friend request, how could he refuse? Nothing bad could come from it, right?
Wrong. He was now tasked with running around South Park doing crap for Eric Cartman. Whether it was going on a wild goose chase to break a kid out of detention to entering some handicapped kid's house to kick the shit out of said handicapped kid, Douchebag knew that he was always Cartman's go-to guy. And it sucked.
Douchebag despised Cartman at the current moment. Everything the kid had said to him just rubbed him the wrong way. For some unknown reason Cartman had it out for Jews, especially some kid named 'Kyle', whoever that was.
Douchebag had been in South Park for a day and currently had 40+ residents added to his Facebook friends, but none of them were named Kyle. There was Kenny, Craig, Token, Esther, but not Kyle.
Speaking of his other friends, Douchebag didn't know what to think of them. Butters was nice enough, at least. He had actually insisted on coming with Douchebag this morning when Cartman had burst through his front door and sent him off on a quest he really wanted no part of.
Douchebag had instead opted to bring Kenny McCormick with him, since he seemed like he put up with Cartman's bullshit the least. Kenny had originally rubbed Douchebag the wrong way, what with dressing up like a chick and his voice being so muffled he couldn't understand him. Thankfully, he had somehow convinced Kenny to loosen his parka so he could actually have a conversation with him, although he was sure he was the only kid in South Park who couldn't understand his muffles.
"Hey Douchebag."
Douchebag broke out of his daze and looked over to his… friend? He wasn't sure of his status with the blonde boy yet.
"My name's not- Dammit, I hate Cartman." Douchebag grumbled as he shifted his position on the park bench he was sitting on.
"I've got nothing else to call you." Kenny shrugged. "You never told me what your actual name was."
"Guess it doesn't matter," Douchebag muttered. "I don't even remember what we're supposed to be doing anymore ever since you insisted on getting lunch… and then making me pay for it."
"Dude, I'm poor. I thought you already knew what you were getting yourself into when you agreed to my suggestion."
"Whatever. Just tell me what I need to do."
"Well, Cartman sent you to recruit the Goth Kids to join Kupa Keep…"
"Oh, yeah. All 4 of them. I'm sure they'll be super fucking helpful."
"They told you to get a list of stuff to be more like them," Kenny said as he dug through the pockets on his orange parka. He retrieved a crumbled piece of paper, before he unfolded it and gave it to Douchebag. "Dude, your handwriting sucks."
Douchebag rolled his eyes. "I was in a rush when I wrote it." He turned his attention to the list, which had three items sloppily written on it. The first thing listed was cigarettes, which he had so graciously pickpocketed from some 6th graders after beating the shit out of them. Hey, it wasn't his fault he wasn't allowed to buy them. The second thing was goth clothes, which he had bought from a creepy hobo over by the storage centers. The hobo had insisted on selling Douchebag a dead bird for some reason, and Douchebag had no plans to visit UStore any time soon after that. The last thing listed was coffee, which he hadn't gotten yet due to Kenny tricking him into buying lunch when they were on their way to Tweek Bros. Coffee. Bastard.
"Great, all that's left is coffee," Douchebag sighed as he crumpled up the piece of paper. "Because coffee doesn't taste like shit at all. Actually, why the hell do these kids even smoke?"
"Let's go then," Kenny responded as he stood up, completely ignoring Douchebag's question. "The coffee shop is just across the street."
Douchebag stood up and turned around, opting to cut through the park instead of taking the path that would lead to the neighborhood. "Hey dude, what the hell is a ManBearPig?"
"ManBearPig? Oh God, why do you know what that is?"
"I ran into some old guy named Al Gore when I was passing by the theater yesterday. Dude was hiding behind a bush and wearing a really bad disguise."
"What did he want from you?"
"He wants me to help him track whatever the hell a ManBearPig is. Even gave me some ManBearPig tracking sensors. Dude is weird." Douchebag paused momentarily. "Hey, Kenny, does anything out of the ordinary ever happen here?"
Douchebag thought he could hear the parka-clad boy laugh as they crossed the street.
"Why dude?"
Douchebag stayed quiet for a moment as he held onto the door handle to Tweek Bros, thinking back to a really uncomfortable event that had taken place last night. He nearly destroyed the town, all because he'd been a big enough dumbass to try to break himself free. Stupid mooing aliens. "I'm 99% positive I got captured by aliens last night."
"Aliens? Did they probe you?"
"Actually, they... How did you know that?"
"It's a long story."
"It gets weirder. Some dude named Randy helped me escape last night… Sorta. He added me on Facebook for some reason before he broke the elevator to the exit."
"Oh, that's Stan's dad," Kenny commented as they walked into the coffee shop.
Douchebag frowned as he walked up to the counter to order his coffee. Stan? Who the hell was Stan? How many people lived in this supposed small mountain town that he had yet to encounter?
"One... coffee or something, I dunno. Nothing specific, just give me whatever people stereotypically think of when they hear the word 'coffee,'" Douchebag told the woman at the counter as he set $5 on the counter.
"Top-knotch ordering skills, dude."
"I don't know half the crap written on the menu, give me a break."
"Did you miss the 'Fuck you' written on the town's sign when you arrived?"
"Here's your coffee," the brown haired man said behind the counter, interrupting whatever potential argument Douchebag and Kenny were about to have.
"...Thanks," Douchebag muttered as he grabbed the red cup sitting on the counter. He glanced down at the cardboard cup and frowned as he swiveled the drink around absentmindedly.
"Right, well… We have all the shit we need, I'm going back to the Goth kids." Kenny nodded and followed behind the estranged child as he made his way to the door, pausing just as Douchebag opened the door.
"...What's wrong?"
"There's something hiding in the bushes."
"Don't be ridiculous." Douchebag barely set a foot outside before he'd eaten his words. Four kids dressed as elves had popped out from behind the bushes next to the coffee shop, pointing their weapons towards Douchebag. Kenny quickly jumped back in response, leaving poor Douchebag stuck standing in front of his elven enemies alone.
"Are you kidding me?"
The elves shared a look, before one of them spoke up. "New Kid! The elf king has requested your presence! You can either come quietly, or you can fight."
"What the hell? Four against one is bullshit!"
"Just go with them, dude."
Douchebag quickly turned around to the owner of the voice and frowned. "Kenny, I don't even know who the elf king is. What if he's a bigger douche than Cartman?"
"Nobody is worse than Eric Cartman, trust me."
Douchebag sighed. "Fine, whatever. But if this guy turns out to be a massive dick, I'm stabbing you."
"Not like I haven't been stabbed before…"
"What?"
"Nevermind. I'll meet you back at Kupa Keep," Kenny said as he shoved Douchebag towards the elves.
"Asshole…" Douchebag muttered before turning around to face the elves. "All right, you dicks. I'll go with you. This ambush crap actually worked, congrats."
"You made the right choice, New Kid," one of the elves said as they led Douchebag away. Douchebag mentally cursed Kenny, hoping the elf was correct.