(2016-11-13): This fic is currently on hiatus until May 2017.
AN: I've been a fan of Saki since the release of its first anime series, but haven't written a fanfic for it until now. While there are great fan stories in both the Japanese and Chinese language, the English selection is really small, so I thought I'd add to it despite my shortcomings as both a writer and a player of Japanese mahjong.
This story takes place in a parallel universe shortly after Saki makes the promise with Nodoka to go to the nationals together. As such, this happens before the prefectural tournament. I'm interested in exploring what could've been if Saki made amends with her sister by going to the nationals together as members of Team Torahime, compared to the canon storyline where she is trying to play against Teru's team.
I'm a huge fan of Teru so most of the story would follow her POV. This may make the story sound rather sympathetic to Teru's view compared to canon.
On a last note, I've played the Hong Kong style of mahjong since I was a kid, and have only recently dabbled into Japanese mahjong. I'll try my best not to screw up the mahjong descriptions, but I can't really move away from my original mindset of aiming for toi toi, hon'itsu, chin'itsu, and brainlessly opening up my hand with chii, pon, and daiminkan. I welcome ideas on how to improve setting up the hands in future chapters.
Disclaimer: I do not own Saki or any of its characters. This is just a work of self-entertainment.
Of the Champion and Flowers
Chapter 1
It was not the first time Tsujigaito Satoha had played with Miyanaga Teru. Still, Satoha couldn't help but recall Arakawa Kei's face last year - despite that Satoha herself was not a person of weak character, she mused that only the girl from Sangamaki could keep smiling in a situation like this.
Yes, the situation was a dire one. Satoha exchanged glances with the opponent beside her, Terasaki Yuzuki. Terasaki was not a very strong player, but she was quite experienced, having placed fifteenth in last year's interhigh. Both of them were still ways from the zero line, but the girl across from her, a newbie who had just emerged from this very U-20 Japanese Mahjong Cup tournament, was shuddering with fear as she lost yet another hand to the Champion, Miyanaga.
Both Terasaki and herself knew they had to do something to stop Miyanaga before the girl dropped down to negatives, but neither wanted to be the one to lose points to her - the newbie's hands were always expensive, and they hadn't many points to spare either after Miyanaga's rampage.
Satoha fixed her glasses, moving her glance over to Miyanaga Teru. The Champion's face was cold as usual, bearing no hint of emotion save for, perhaps, a shred of boredom. She had every right to be bored, seeing as her score was already well above fifty thousand points while Satoha, Terasaki, and the new girl's scores all sat below the twenty-five thousand they started with. Even if Satoha and Terasaki managed to stop the Champion from knocking the new girl out in the next hand, it would still take a miracle to steal the first place thereafter.
The clatter of mixing mahjong tiles could be heard while the second set emerged for the play to begin. The Champion continued her renchan, drawing first on the wall followed by Satoha herself. Arranging the tiles in a straight line on the table's side, Satoha's deft fingers then gripped the tiles and flipped them all upwards in a smooth motion. Three of the east wind and one of the west, none useful to her. The rest of the tiles seemed like a random assortment of pin, wan, and sou.
At least the Champion couldn't use the east wind to rack up another han, Satoha thought while drawing in a 3-pin and dumping the west wind. She needed to focus on stopping Miyanaga's hand, ideally by having her play into the new girl's forming chin'itsu of bamboo.
Five turns in, and the new girl made a discard of east wind. Satoha announced a pon, showing two of the three east wind tiles in her hand. Along with the discard, she pushed the three tiles to the side till they hit the table's edge with a satisfactory smack. With this, she stopped Miyanaga's draw which she intuitively felt to be dangerous. There was no way she would declare a kan instead. That would give Miyanaga a chance to increase her points through the new dora.
Force Miyanaga to push herself too hard in her climb up the staircase to heaven - that was Satoha's strategy.
Satoha gave up a 6-pin. With an open pon of east wind, her best bet for a fast hand would be chanta, but out of her expectations, the person beside her spoke.
"Pon," Miyanaga's crystalline, almost digital recording-like voice sounded. Satoha's wide eyes met the three 6-pin tiles Miyanaga lined. What was the Champion thinking opening her hand like this? Judging by the value of her last hand, Satoha would've thought Miyanaga would go for a closed hand this time, making a riichi in hopes of winning points from the ura-dora. Or was she aiming for...
It was too late. Miyanaga made a discard of 3-sou, which the new girl immediately pon'ed to advance her chin'itsu. Satoha could see Terasaki's face twist with frustration even from beneath her baseball cap. She merely sighed to herself - couldn't expect a new girl to recognize her efforts.
The new girl made a discard neither Terasaki nor Satoha could take. Miyanaga successfully drew the tile Satoha thought to be dangerous.
"Kan," Miyanaga said. A kan of 2-wan. Wait...2-wan, the dora?
A new dora indicator was flipped. 5-pin.
A trickle of sweat dripped from Satoha's forehead as she stared at Miyanaga's hand that reached the tile on the dead wall. Then, the strangest thing happened.
Unlike the suffocating presence that Miyanaga had previously given, there was now the essence of a spring breeze filled with the scent of mountain blooms. Miyanaga's face, too, was a mystery, tinged with a contradictory mix of anger and fondness.
"Tsumo," she declared, flipping over the tile she drew, then her entire hand, "rinshan kaihou."
Toi toi, tanyao, seven dora...
Adding the rinshan kaihou, that was a total of eleven han, a dealer sanbaiman worth 12000-all, not counting the renchan bonus.
The tournament ended.
By the time Miyanaga Teru returned to the waiting room with the championship cup, the skies outside were already dark. Considering it was not a major tournament, the media was still rather relentless.
Hirose Sumire closed the novel in her hands and got up from the sofa, turning to face the newcomer. As with every victory she had taken previously, Teru's face was still stiff as stone while she walked inside, closing the door behind her. Sumire snorted, "And you look so displeased by your victory once again. Was Tsujigaito not enough to satisfy your desire to play with strong opponents?"
"No. I enjoyed the game," she said, walking past Sumire for her school bag. She shovelled through its contents for a minute, which prompted the blue-haired Shiraitodai Mahjong Club President to sigh.
"If you're looking for your novel, it's here. I was reading it while waiting for you."
She should already know that, Sumire thought. Being the top-ranking player of their age, Teru participated in more tournaments than her peers at Shiraitodai. Aside from the annual interhigh and the spring and fall tournaments, she also played in other local events big and small as per instructions from their coach. More than once she told Sumire that she could manage herself, but the club president still came with her to all these events, seeing as the red-haired ace was an air-head in all things not mahjong. And Teru had gotten used to this arrangement - in fact, the novels she kept in her bag during these events were distinctly different from those she usually read. The one in Sumire's hands currently fit quite well with her tastes, being based on an archery tournament. This was a drastic difference from the Spitteler poems Teru was reading last night.
"Found it," Teru answered. So she wasn't looking for the novel - instead, she dug out her mobile phone. It was an old model, a flip phone that wasn't even a touchscreen. Sumire watched Teru press her fingers clumsily on the buttons and then pause upon reading a message she had received.
The expression on her face was exactly the same as the one she wore when drawing that winning tile from the dead wall. For a second, Sumire pondered whether to comment on it.
She sighed again instead, "Is something wrong?"
"Nothing."
And Teru lied to her once more. Sumire knew. This time and the other time two years ago when a chestnut-haired girl who looked a lot like her stood waiting outside the school's gates. When she asked if the girl was someone Teru knew, the red-haired ace just said no.
"Then let's go back. I'll return the keys."
And Sumire wouldn't let Teru know she cared either.
Teru didn't answer, just standing there, reading the message over and over again. Only when Sumire reached over to turn off the lights did she move from her place, turning to face her.
"I'm sorry, I have something to do."
With that, she ran out of the room, past Sumire, not looking back.
Sumire just closed her eyes for a moment and exhaled deeply before closing the door and locking it.
"Be safe," she whispered to the ground. Teru most likely didn't hear it anyway.
"Saki called. Your father was in a car crash and has been admitted to the Nagano General Hospital. I'm rushing back but won't get there until tomorrow. Please do what you think is best. - Mother"
Teru caught the last train to Nagano. The scenery was just as she remembered it, the city's downtown core considerably quieter in the dark night compared to that of Tokyo. Even for her poor sense of direction, it was not difficult finding the hospital - then again, the building of white-painted exterior had long been burnt into the back of her mind, resonating with images of her past even after its renovation.
The ER's automatic glass doors swooshed open upon her approach as she stepped past the entrance into the bleach-tinged reception. Few people sat in plastic chairs in the waiting area across from the nurses' station where patients were being accessed and triaged. Amongst them was a familiar face, one Teru couldn't help but look away from the moment her eyes met their similarly-coloured counterparts. The brown-haired figure struggled to stand, and when she finally did, stumbled over, features twisted with renewed emotion - renewed pain.
"O...onee...chan..."
For a second, Saki just stood there in front of her, but as everything overwhelmed her senses, Saki lost control and collapsed onto her sister, grasping desperately for any shred of warmth behind the cold, indifferent, beige uniform coat. Teru's first instinct was to push her away. "I do not have a sister" she reminded herself, chanting the statement over and over in her mind, but even doing so, she still could not convince herself. She had expected this. Why, then, did she come to Nagano?
"Sit," Teru managed to utter. She kept her head up, eyes away from the shuddering frame still pressed against her own. Even when Saki finally looked up to her, her gaze remained trained faraway.
Teru's hand rose against her will. All she could do was make a stubborn fist as it came to rest on Saki's shoulder. Still, she couldn't let go. "Go, sit down," she tried to say as sternly as she could, but it ended sounding like a plea to her own ears. Without caring whether Saki noticed, she stepped away.
Whenever Saki was involved, this had always been her choice. Run. Teru snorted at herself when she knew she was out of Saki's line of sight. She was just a coward, a disgusting little coward.
She came to the nurses' station to get an update on her father's status. It seemed that the injuries were very serious, and he was immediately wheeled into the surgery room. Thanks to Saki's help, the hospital staff managed to reach their mother through her cellphone and she had taken care of the paperwork of her father's admittance digitally. There wasn't much she could do except for waiting - the surgery was expected to go on for another few hours.
And thus she returned to the waiting area where Saki was seated, staring up upon her return. Those eyes, and Teru's own reflection in them - they hurt whenever she looked into their depths, so she found herself avoiding again, sitting down on the chair next to Saki's just so she could stare off into nothingness instead.
"...Oneechan?"
The timid voice was mixed with the thumping of her heart against its walls, of blood being squirted rhythmically into her arteries. She wanted to scream at Saki to stop calling her, stop calling her that. She opened her mouth to protest, to say something along the lines of what she had told everybody who ever bothered asking about her family, but those words couldn't come nearly as easily when the target of her blind hate was her audience. "I don't deserve to be your sister," her lips moved in the shape of these different words, but no sound came out. She gritted her teeth, retreating behind her fiery bangs once more.
They sat in silence for a bit longer, with Teru not daring to look at Saki's undoubtedly dejected visage. She removed her uniform coat and rolled it into a makeshift pillow to cushion the back of her head from the wall's hardness. Leaning on it, she craned her neck upwards to stare at the nauseating white fluorescent lights overhead.
The clock kept ticking, patients came and left, doctors and nurses rushed back and forth between the triage area and the hospital's inner halls. The night outside remained dark, contrasting strongly with the blindingly-lit ER. Teru felt her eyelids drop, and soon, her world was engulfed by the red of her own flesh.
Red like fire.
She smelled nothing, but she knew there was smoke. She heard nothing, but she knew there were screams. She should've fallen by now, but she continued wobbling forward, defying gravity. Her hand reached out for a doorknob laced crimson with heat. It should've hurt, should've charred her skin, but there was no pain when the door opened.
There was a wheelchair inside, empty, for the figure that used to sit on it was gone - just ashes dusting metal swallowed by hungry flames.
"Haa...haa...haa..." Teru woke up, panting. There was no fire, no screaming patients, no nothing. Just a dream. Nothing more. The ER was as quiet as it had been before she had dozed off.
There was now an extra weight on her side. She hesitated, but turned slightly, so slightly that Saki's image only edged into her periphery. The girl was curled around Teru's left arm, head resting just below her shoulder.
The mountains, the rustling leaves, soft grass under their feet...and flowers - white, tender petals dancing in the air...This was the feeling that overflowed when she drew the winning tile, except now, Saki was by her side, for real.
More than once, she wondered how things would've been different if tragedy hadn't struck their family. Even if their parents' divorce was inevitable, it wouldn't have ended like this.
It didn't have to end like this.
No, it did. Because the Miyanaga Teru of three million parallel universes would all be the same subhuman existence that talked of high ideals with picturistic poetry only to be too scared to face herself. She decided that she quite liked how everything turned out: become the enemy of ten thousand high school students across the nation trying to close their gaps by a mere inch, only to have even such small hopes dashed into utter despair by the force of her whirlwind. And soon no one would even remember her name. The Champion. That was enough.
But the soft smile of Saki's tear-streaked face pressed against her cream-coloured sweater, the girl's frail body clothed so lightly by the thin white shirt and blue sailor collar of the Kiyosumi school...she needed her; Saki needed her sister back, now.
Teru sighed, grabbing her uniform coat with her right hand to swing it over Saki's shoulders. Nothing would change, but at least she could perhaps make Saki feel slightly more comfortable as she slept. She laughed lightly - really, she might just be doing this to make herself feel better. Who cares. Miyanaga Teru was a selfish person. It was no news.
The operation room light extinguished down the hall. The doors swung open, and the lead surgeon in his gown of green called out for the relatives of Miyanaga Kai. Teru repositioned Saki against the wall and got up to meet him.
"We have managed to control the internal bleeding, but more surgeries would need to be done once the patient is in a stable condition. With regards to the patient's spouse's request for transferral to the West Tokyo General..."
"Transfer?" Teru couldn't help but utter. When the surgeon quirked an eyebrow, she shook her head apologetically. Of course her mother would request for a transfer. Despite their poor relations, it wasn't as though her mother would leave her father as he was, even if she were caring for him just so the burden wouldn't fall completely upon Saki. But there was no way she could frequent Nagano given her busy work schedule - her only days spent in Japan were those spent reporting to the head office in Tokyo.
"With regards to the transfer, the nurses have contacted the West Tokyo General and it would occur once the patient has stabilized. As the West Tokyo General is better equipped for handling the future surgeries, they have agreed to undertake them after the transfer. For the time being, the patient would be kept in a drug-induced coma."
"Thank you. Can we visit him?"
"He is still in critical condition and will be housed in isolation within the ICU. We do not recommend visits at the current moment, as there is a high risk of infection, but you may go and see him from outside his room if you really wish to."
"If it's a hassle, we will refrain. Thank you once again."
She bowed as the surgeon nodded and left. When Teru returned to the waiting area, Saki had woken, rubbing her eyes in a confused manner.
"What happened?" Saki asked.
Upon her silence, Saki's face immediately turned a shade paler, her eyes staring towards the ground. But this response didn't bring Teru the joy of satisfaction - it just made every muscle in her body stiffen with guilt. Even if their relationship could no longer be mended, they still shared a father, that much could not be changed no matter how much Teru tried to warp the truth. Saki deserved to know what happened to the parent she lived together with throughout all the years she neglected her - she deserved the hope that he would be returned to her and they could continue living in what little happiness they now shared.
"The surgery was successful. He's fine for now," she stated in a monotone, then took off in the other direction. She didn't want the conversation to continue. She couldn't continue it.
"Oneechan!" Saki pleaded after her, catching up and grasping onto her wrist. She was about to pull away, but a drop of liquid fell on her skin.
Saki was crying again. Of course she would be crying. Who could hold back, knowing that she might be alone, really alone, from now on?
"I'm getting something to eat. You stay here. Mother might come soon."
Saki bit her lip and the tears stopped falling. Though still clearly distressed, a bit of relief returned to her eyes. She nodded a little, loosening her grip.
Teru made it to the vending machine, inserted coins, and pressed the buttons - all done subconsciously. By the time she noticed, there were already two melon breads and orange sodas in her hands. She hated both.
But they were Saki's favorites when they were young, so she would always ask her mother to buy them. She was probably the only one who knew how much she hated the sickly artificial taste of that carbonated liquid as it made its way down her throat.
Some habits were hard to change. Teru turned her attention away from the miss to stare at the clock on the wall instead. It was almost five. Soon, dawn would break to signal the coming of a new day.
When she returned, she handed a bread and a soda to Saki and they sat down to eat. Saki took a long glance at the bread and looked about to cry again, but managed to hold it in a smile this time. She slowly picked apart the wrapper and took a small bite into the bread like it was some sort of prized delicacy, then closed her eyes and grinned so wide it looked about to fill her face.
"It's delicious."
Teru remained silent, but Saki continued without looking at her. There was no need.
"Thank you, Oneechan."
They finished the meal in silence and sat there for a little longer, watching the skies outside first turn violet then red, orange, and golden from bottom upwards. The ripe sun finally appeared in an expanse of grey-blue, long shadows cast from the east to the west.
It was about the time Teru woke up usually, but being awake most of last night, she was feeling exhausted. Still, the adrenaline kept her going as she dug through her belongings for the cell phone in her bag. Flipping it open, she read that it still had a bar of battery life left. Good enough. She secretly thanked Sumire for nagging at her to charge her phone every night.
Opening up her miserably short contacts list, she selected Hirose Sumire from the third line, below "Mother" and "AwaAwa". Not that she really cared, but Teru did sometimes consider changing Awai's contact name just to remind herself she was sane.
The thought made her smile inwardly while Sumire's number was dialled. How could a person like her make friends with people like them? She really didn't know. She must've won some sort of interpersonal lottery without knowing it.
"What's the matter, Teru?" Sumire's voice sounded through the phone, succinct as usual. It was hard to describe their relationship. The Shiraitodai Mahjong Club President was probably the person who understood her best on this Earth, but also because of this understanding, their conversations were always short and coldly efficient.
On the other hand, did she understand Sumire? Probably not. She never tried.
If she were to truly summarize their relationship, it would be parasitism, in which she relied on Sumire for solving all her troubles while giving nothing but a hard wall between them in return.
"I won't make it to school today," she said into the receiver, then when met with silence, added, "Personal business."
"I see," Sumire didn't ask for details. "Personal business" was a good enough reason to tell their homeroom for taking a day off. That was all that mattered.
"I won't make it to club practice either," Teru continued. She imagined Sumire nodding tiredly in a display of slight annoyance, as though saying "I'm not stupid". Then again, who knew. Maybe Sumire was too tired in the morning to do such a meaningless thing on the other end of the line.
"Alright. If there isn't anything else, I'm hanging up."
"Un. Sorry for bothering."
"It's okay. Take care."
Their connection died in a series of beeps.
As soon as she put down her phone, she realized that Saki was staring at her. The gaze, a bit doubtful but even more hopeful, laced with burning desperation, was piercing into her heart, and Teru struggled for a way, any way, to cut it off.
"What's your school's number?" she asked, hoping to break Saki's attention.
"Huh?" the brown-haired girl sat a bit straighter in surprise. She must not have expected her estranged sister to actually talk to her.
"I said, 'what's your school's number?' Or a classmate's. You're not planning on going to school today, are you?"
She handed Saki her phone and turned away. Seeming to accept this new form of communication between her sibling and herself, Saki concentrated on inputting Haramura Nodoka's number on the keypad and pressing the phone against her ear when it dialled.
"Haramura Nodoka speaking. May I ask who is calling?"
"Haramura-san, this is Saki. Sorry for bothering you so early in the morning."
"It is fine. I'm already awake. Is something the matter, Miyanaga-san?"
"I won't be at school today. Something happened with my family, so..."
Perhaps Nodoka caught wind of Saki's worries in her quivering tone, but she quickly filled in, "Are you okay, Miyanaga-san? Are you home? I'll ask Buchou and the others to come with me to visit you..."
"No, it's okay, Haramura-san..." Saki paused to stare at the red-haired figure by her side. Teru only left her back to face her, but it was already more than she had ever hoped for, "I'm with my sister now, so it's okay."
The line was silent for a moment until Nodoka finally spoke, "...that's good then. Will you make it to tomorrow's practice?"
"Probably not. I'm sorry, Haramura-san."
"Please don't be. Your family matters take priority."
"Thank you. Haramura-san must need to prepare for school soon - I won't keep bothering you anymore."
"Miyanaga-san is not a bother. I'll call another time. Take care."
"See you."
Saki struggled to find the end-call button on the phone when Teru promptly snatched it away and cut off the line. The elder sibling rose to face the entrance of the ER where their mother had finally appeared, breathing heavily while stumbling through the opened doors in their direction. Her face was pale and strewn with sweat, her hand a little shaky when it landed on Teru's shoulder for support.
"How's your father?" she asked Teru, still trying to catch her breath after running over from where her taxi had dropped her off when it got stuck in the morning traffic. Teru led her to sit before she began.
"The initial surgeries were successful, but he is still critical."
"I guess that's the best news we can have at this point?"
Teru nodded to what her mother said.
Her mother then turned to face her younger daughter, who had remained silent thus far. Saki looked really tired, but her face was lit with a degree of optimism. Mrs. Miyanaga rested her hands atop of Saki's and stared into her eyes.
"It must've been difficult for you, Saki, but you worked hard. Now let Mother take over, alright?"
Saki nodded a little, relishing in the warmth of her mother that she had longed for over the years. Despite the circumstances of their reunion, she was still glad to have this small comfort returned to her. Knowing this, Mrs. Miyanaga also nodded understandingly before getting up to leave.
"You two must be tired. I'll take care of any remaining business here. You two can go home first." She then whispered in Teru's ear, "...and thank you for deciding to come. It makes me very happy."
With that, their mother headed for the counter. Teru walked out of the hospital with Saki trailing after her in a hurried half-run. Saki tucked at the edge of her sweater and Teru turned slightly just so Saki knew she was listening. From the corner of her eyes, Teru noticed that Saki was now wearing her uniform coat.
It made her ache all over for what could've been.
"Oneechan, are we going home?"
Teru couldn't answer, so she didn't. She turned away and continued walking ahead. Saki followed, their pace in synchronization with Saki keeping the half-step distance behind her.
They waited for the bus to come, got on, and rode it across town to the rural outskirts where their home lay. A short walk took them to the familiar house of two storeys perched on a rocky slope dotted with unruly shrubs atop a bend on the main road. Teru took a moment to stare at the structure, then fished out the key that had remained unused for the past few years.
She was almost surprised the key slipped easily into its slot and the lock turned with one smooth motion of her wrist. The door slid open with her weight, the sound of its aged creak the same as how it had always been. Inside, the furnishings were also kept in the same place, in the same conditions, as though frozen in time. The void of her absence was so subtle she had to fight to see it - even her favourite brand of crackers was still kept where it was on the rack in the kitchen, only that the packaging had since changed and a different expiry date was printed on its sleek surface.
If she said, "I'm back" now, would Saki answer her?"
"Welcome home, Oneechan," came the timid voice behind her. She paused on her way to the stairs, losing against the urge to turn around. Saki brought the door forward to close it, a smile lighting her countenance.
She didn't know if her expression changed, but she quickly turned back to face the staircase and ascended it.
The wooden floorboards were cool under her feet, the walls still white with barely any tinges of yellow. On the left was Saki's room, on the far right the storage room. For a second, Teru stood in front of the sliding doors and wondered whether she should step in to see it - it being their mahjong table, the one on which she played her first game, the tiles her fingers had first touched, blue backs a little faded and scratched from wear. She let her fingers trace the door but didn't stop them from slipping down to her thighs' level once more. She had moved past this. She was not coming back.
Instead, she moved down the hall. The first room to the left was hers, which was directly beside Saki's; the one on the far end had belonged to her parents.
Inside, nothing had changed. The bed in the back was still neatly made, covers a baby blue that matched the curtains on the window on the right end. The towering bookcase on the left was still there with its shelves filled with books she hadn't taken to Tokyo. The desk on its side was likewise occupied by yet more books stacked on the dark, wooden top. On the other side was the closet, now empty save for clothes that no longer fit her height.
Where there should be dust and cobwebs, there was none. Where there should be miscellaneous junk that didn't belong to her, there was none either. The room was kept in the same condition as she had left it, not because of disuse, but because someone had intentionally kept it that way.
She closed the door, locked it, and fell face-first into her bed. The absence of her own scent in the fabric drained her empty, in its place the faint lemony flavour of laundry detergent. It stung her eyes, making them water.
A knock came from the door. "Oneechan, it's me."
She made no response, just listening to the footsteps and rustles of her sister's movement. Something was placed on the ground with a soft thud.
"Umm...Oneechan...the bath is ready, would you like to go first?"
Yet no response.
"Here is a towel and a spare change of clothes. I'm washing Oneechan's uniform coat now. If you want the rest of your uniform washed, just leave them in the basket in the washroom."
Still no response.
"All the clothes are new. They're not mine. So...don't worry..."
Teru bit her lip, "Go..." then choked on the second word. She left the sentence unfinished by snuffing it out in her pillow.