Voices
No, no, no. You don't want to hear it anymore, you can't hear them anymore… you just can't.
"Lady Tsunade..?"
"Leave me alone, Shizune."
"But-"
"Don't make me repeat myself."
Yes, go away, you don't want to hear her, see Sakura, talk to the elders. You're fine. As long as you don't hear anyone… anything, you'll be fine.
They always say that the news crashes down on people with cruel swiftness. That it leaves them out of breath and shocked, unable to form words. Then the moisture slowly trickles out of the eyes, gaining flow as it gives way to heaving sobs. You thought that was it - that you had the procedure down. You've certainly been through it enough times before.
But this is… different.
"I'm afraid he's no longer with us, Tsunade-chan."
No, they were starting again. How could they start again? Didn't you just silence all voices in and outside your head? Did you not express a clear wish to be left alone? Did you not… tell him to not go..?
"If the Pervy Sage was the Hokage, he would never have let you take such a risk!"
The boy was right of course, more so than he himself could ever imagine. Jiraiya would never - could never - do anything to put you in danger. And look at how you repaid him? His death is not at the hands of Pein or the Akatsuki. No, the blame for his death lies solely with you.
"You always lose, Hime. So how about betting that I don't make it out alive? That's a sure way to get me back without even a scratch."
Why did the Baka say that? You had never been overly superstitious but those words had sent a chill down your spine. What were you thinking? Why did you ever think to…? Maybe you weren't thinking at all? If you had, none of this would have happened.
But it had. And surprisingly, your world had not come crashing down. You did not break out into sobs; your eyes did not overflow with tears. No, instead, you started hearing them.
"..and you need to sign these papers, Hime."
"What did you say?"
"Uh… you need to sign the autopsy report, Hokage-sama…"
"Al-alright… leave it with Shizune."
They weren't as obvious at first. In fact, you would hardly have noticed them if you'd paid a little less attention. But you didn't. You heard them fine. You asked and questioned, perhaps you wanted to hear them again..?
No, no, no. This isn't right. You're not supposed to hear him everywhere. You're not supposed to want to hear him everywhere. You're supposed to cry, to break down, and to empty all your feelings. But maybe you already have? Maybe they ran empty when he went away? Maybe you have nothing to spend now too, just like him…
'Hey, flat chest! You, me, Ichiraku's tonight, whaddaya say?"
"I say get lost, loser!"
No, come back! You didn't mean it. You never meant it. Every time you hit him, scolded him, called him names, you never meant it. You thought he knew that. No, you know he knew that. He knew how lonely you would get without him, than why did he go? He wasn't supposed to… he promised… he promised when he thought you weren't listening.
"I'll b back, Hime. I'm not going anywhere, not without you."
Than why did he, dammit? How could he have just upped and left? And if he had to go, why did he not vanish completely? Why does his voice still haunt you? Why does every sliver of silver or white make you think of his hair, why do you think he's the owner of every wooden clog on the streets? Why is it when Shizune tells you to stop drinking, she sounds like him?
"Tsunade-chan… he was the closest to you, it's only fitting you say a few words."
"No."
"But, you're the Hokage… and he-"
"I said NO!"
Let the old coots think you're disrespecting his memory if they so wish. If they know you or him at all, they should be able to guess the real reason. For what can you say? How could you possibly put into words what it's like to lose someone who was your own anchor to life, to sanity, to emotion? How can you explain that though he's gone, he's not? He's all around you. That it's not him who's gone, it's the two of you that no longer belong to this world.
They say he was your best friend. They're wrong as usual. Because he wasn't your best friend, he is your best friend – and so much more. You had thought you knew care with Newaki, you were sure you knew what love meant after losing Dan. But this is something you had not been prepared for. This utter emptiness, this lack of pain, lack of emotion, lack of your very being… If you could touch him right now, you would punch him. He deserves it for leaving you hanging like this while going off into the afterlife all by himself.
"Come on Hime, don't I even get a hug?"
"Okay, but if I catch your hands straying…"
If only you could touch him now. You would touch him with more delicacy than you would treat a rare and fragile flower petal with. In that one touch, you would convey all that you felt and were never able to form into words. You would say sorry for murdering him so cruelly, you'd apologize for all the times you turned him down for dates, you'd even let him take you to that stupid Ramen bar and damn well eat the fish cakes you usually hate.
"You're the Hokage, you have a job to do."
Why didn't you tell him that the only duty and obligation you ever had was to him? Not to Naruto, not to Sarutobi-sensei and not to the damn village. Couldn't he tell that he was the rope tying you to the village, not the other way around? How could he think his life was a fair exchange for the good of the village? His life… which came at too high a price… because nothing could be fair exchange…
"Shishou… you called?"
"Did I?"
Now, now, Hime, don't be growing old on me. You're already forgetting things.
"SHUT UP!"
"S-sh-shishou..?'
Stop. Please stop. You're going to lose your mind at this rate. No, you can't possibly do that; you don't have anything to lose.
But even as you plead, you know there's no real resistance in your thoughts. The simple truth is, you want to hear him, you need to hear him. Torturing and excruciatingly painful as it may be, these are the only things you can have of his. A ghost of a chuckle here and there, a glint of snow white hair, a murmur of "Hime" disguised as the rustling of the wind...
Yes, let the voices come. Let them engulf you in their soft caress, and carry you away… to him. That's the only place you want to go now…