AN: Again – it's a songfic. I know many people don't like songfics so if you're one of them, better don't read it.
Make me happy, leave a review ;)
Author's Note no. 2: To avoid my account being closed, I had to remove the song lyrics from the story (replaced by #-#-#). That makes the whole thing pretty pointless, so either go ahead and fill in the lyrics yourself or go to my website listed in my profile to read the story the way it was meant to be read; I'm going to upload it along with some other songfics in the near future. Sorry for any inconvience caused, thank you.
Try Walking In My Shoes
"It just shows it once again - the only person you care about is yourself. And in order to make yourself look good in the end, you'll do whatever it takes. That's what's driving you, isn't it? Order of Merlin? Second Class? Oh, what the hell, let's just make it First, shouldn't we?"
Lupin had spoken in a low and calm voice; he wasn't the type to lose his temper and start yelling. And he hadn't said it in a way that could have justified the awkward silence that suddenly filled the room and seemed to make the words hang in the air and echo from every wall.
Severus himself was somewhat surprised about the impact his words had had on him – usually Lupin couldn't make him shut up, no matter what he said, he never had the last word in an argument. And it definitely wasn't the first time Severus had heard something like that either. Nonetheless, right now he just stood there and stared at the werewolf.
#-#-#
Lupin couldn't understand. He had no idea, no idea at all. Nothing the Ministry could have given him was worth any of this. Order of Merlin. He was just as sure that he'd never receive it as he was convinced that he deserved it. But he'd given up caring about it. They could have offered him all the money in the world and he'd have declined with thanks. His promise was the only thing that bound him.
#-#-#.
He could have had it so much easier. The Dark Lord had faith in him; he regarded him as a loyal follower. And the Dark Lord was able to provide you with anything a man could ask for, whether it was wealth and women or power and money one desired. All he'd have to do was to give him a bit of information, only a few names, a tiny fragment of what he knew would be enough.
"I know you didn't have it easy lately, I understand that. But none of us did. It's no excuse…"
#-#-#
His mind drifted away and he didn't even hear what Lupin was saying anymore. He'd never been searching for excuses and he'd never asked for forgiveness and yet everyone seemed to expect just that from him. How could any of them believe they even had the right to forgive him? It didn't lie within their power to promise him absolution.
#-#-#
No matter what Lupin said, he didn't know anything; he couldn't understand anything at all.
#-#-#
What made him so sure that he wouldn't have done the same thing? What made Lupin so sure he was a better man than him?
#-#-#
He knew that Lupin blamed him. He blamed him for Black, for Potter and Evans, and he probably would have liked to blame him for every other evil in this world as well. And he wasn't the only one. They all did. None of them had ever told him to his face, probably because they feared he'd turn his back on them all if they had. But he knew it anyhow; he could see it in their eyes.
#-#-#
He was well aware of the things he'd done and he knew with no illusions that sooner or later he'd have to pay for it. But since the day he'd changed sides he'd always been loyal. And no matter how much he'd loathed Potter, he'd have done anything to save his life. And even though he'd hated Black just as much, he'd done everything he could. It just hadn't been enough - once again.
#-#-#
Maybe he could have done more. He'd often asked himself if he couldn't have prevented things from becoming the way they were now. Those questions had kept him company through many sleepless nights although he'd kept telling himself how pointless it was to dwell on the past, especially now that the present was asking his full attention.
#-#-#
He'd never wasted a lot of time contemplating if he actually had regrets about the things he'd done. Terrible things, no doubt. And he knew he should have regrets. But in his eyes he'd never had much of a choice; the way he'd gone might not have been the way he'd wanted to go, but it had been the way he'd been meant to go. Looking back now, it seemed to have been his destiny from the day he'd been born.
#-#-#
It often hadn't been an easy way and sometimes he just wished someone would acknowledge that.
#-#-#
Sometimes he wished Lupin knew what it was like.
Severus was slightly surprised when he brought his thoughts back to here and now and found the werewolf still standing in front of him in the middle of his office, obviously waiting for an answer to a question he hadn't even heard him asking. Since he didn't have time for this silly argument anyway, Severus decided to simply ignore him, strode past him across his office and took his heavy black robes off the hook on the wall.
"As much as I enjoyed our little chit-chat and would love to continue it, I'm afraid I'll have to ask to be excused now," he said in a low voice as he put on his robes.
"Where are you going? Now, in the middle of the night?" Lupin asked while reluctantly leaving his colleague's office and stepping out onto the corridor.
"Working," Severus replied, sealed the door to his office and without even looking at him once more he set off along the corridor towards the stairs leading up to the Entrance Hall.
"Well… take care of yourself then," Lupin called after him.
Severus stopped walking for a moment and turned around again. "If they kill me, just don't dare to cancel Potter's detention."
Lupin smiled weakly. "Don't worry."
#-#-#
end