"I can't believe I am here again. What's wrong with me?" she said with knees pulled up to her chest sitting on Meredith's couch, staring at her person and baby Zola. "I shouldn't be here but I am. I should have never told him but I did. What the fuck did I do? I could have just gotten it over and done with, without him even knowing about it. "
"Cristina!" Meredith said with a somewhat annoyed and exhausted yet empathetic face. "You did not just say that! You can't say stuff like that." Meredith continued "You stopped and paused to talk to your husband. You told him and to me, that is huge. Remember not too long ago you wanted to skip that part but this time with your HUSBAND. You didn't! That is something, Cristina. You love Owen. You really love him and you know that you needed to talk to him about this. But then... Meredith paused a little...and, and I'm sorry—I love you and I always have your back cuz I'm your person and all but I'm —." She stopped mid-sentence.
Cristina was waiting. The look anticipation on her face had a sad, brace yourself feel. "I'm—. Cristina's look of anticipation was getting more and more antsy. "Meredith, just say it!"
"I'm pissed! I'm pissed at you Cristina!" There it was. Cristina's head hung and her eyes started filling up with tears. Meredith's eyes also full of tears. "How do you get pregnant and I get to struggle for months...How can you just throw it away like that. I know, I have Zola now and she's beautiful but you have to get that what you have now in you is a gift. Holy fuck, I sound fucking ridiculous and lifey and crazy cuz you KNOW, I am not lifey but fuck. I don't know. "
Meredith was full on crying now and Zola was getting upset now too. "You made an appointment." Cristina fought back her tears and fought back with a shout, "I never wanted this, Mer. To be a mother!" Meredith cut Cristina off - "I never either! You KNOW that but I changed I saw more! You and I know I had the worst fucking motherly mother ever and I never wanted to be like her and I am not going to be. I promise you that!...Meredith looked at Cristina and saw that she was about to break. "What is it Cristina? What is this?"
Cristina looked blank, tears streaming down her face. "I can't. I can't do it, Mer." "Yes," Mer started again but before she finished Cristina continued, "I can't be scared again. I just got over whatever and now if I bring a baby in this world I know I'll love it. But people die, people get shot or hit by a bus and they die. I can't lose another person."
Meredith finally got it. She went in to hug Cristina with one arm while holding Zola in the other.