Britz-I was polishing up my inbox one fine day as it was getting about up to the gills and I came across a slightly aged email from my then fan and now good friend Shell, I copied and pasted it down and forgot about it while I continued writing bigger things till I came across a new fic idea of my own making with absolutely no conceivable story line, here's the challenge by the way:
- Britz announces his undying love to Aximili (since that's the reason why he always picks on Ax)
- A piano falls on Tobias's head while he's proposing
- gherkins are to be mistaken for Yeerks, or the other way around
- Elise Donner and Kimberly Morris are to die in total of 8 times, one of which is either directly or indirectly from reading their own ghosted books.
- Jake is to be caught nibbling his toenails
- Marco has to be limbless but conscious for some time
I'm gonna warn you now, this is going to be a painful experience for you, just, eh go on and read, oh by the way yeah I change styles about two seconds into the story DO NOT PANIC.
Disclaimer-It's not mine and given this, it shouldn't be, some of it's Kimberly Morris's and Elise Donner... They shouldn't have had it either, but I don't them or those god awful ghosted books of theirs, #30 and #38... Okay #30 was okay but God don't get me started on #38 and whatever Klondike, yaddi yadda, I'm in a talkative mood as I write this you noticed that?
What Would Visser Three Do For A Klondike Bar?
'Twas a dark and clement night in the factory district of a certain unnamed seaside town, all appeared still except for a lone abandoned chip packet in the wind when two shadowy figures darted in between the bulky buildings.
"Lovely night to be out isn't it Ms Donner?" Kim asked her shadowy partner.
"To be sure Ms Morris." Elise replied.
Kim drew in and expelled a lungful of cold air and stared up at the stars, "I love the night sky, watching the dark, cheap clouds go by and cover the stars and established patterns."
"That was some awful symbolism Ms Morris."
"I suppose it was Ms Donner." The pair walked in silence for a few moments.
"Why look at that cloud Ms Morris." Elise exclaimed.
"Why it looks almost like a... Spaceship Ms Donner." Kim said.
"It looks so close." Elise noted, "As it were about to land right on top o..." With a thundering roll the Blade Ship settled on the pavement, turning the pair into hack-goo.
[Pfft, nice landing, dickhead.] Visser Three said, slapping his pilot upside the head.
A ramp descended from the ship and two Hork-Bajir tropped down, inspecting the immediate area, when all appeared well they waved the Visser and his top scientist down. Visser Three cooly stepped off the ramp with Sirex in close pursuit.
Sirex-*jutting a thumb at the Hork-Bajir* Are we supposed to tip those guys? I'm never sure.
Visser 3-[Sirex we're in the warehouse district at two in the morning, hurry up and explain the plan before we get mugged.]
Sirex-......Kay... Visser as you well know Klondike bars have been one of America's favourites for eighty years, in helpful multi-packs and oh-so-simple single serve packages available in many tasty flavours what wouldn't anybody do what where for a Klondike bar? The delicious ice cream with the funny name.
Visser 3-[Noted.]
Sirex-Well bearing their famous slogan in mind the plan seemed obvious, we steal all the Klondike Bars on Earth and if the humans want them back why they'll just have to surrender to our alien might.
Visser 3-[Couldn't they just, y'know, surrender to our alien might as it is?]
Sirex-Oh no mi'lor.. Visser, you know these humans, they've got to have some sort of incentive.
Visser 3-[It's so crazy it just might work.]
Sirex-Yes, but I thought we'd best have a trial run after that messy business with the free will drug.
Visser 3-[Yes, he was a member of your department wasn't he?]
Sirex-I'd remind you I'm not in charge of hiring, sir.
Visser 3-[Alright don't rub it in, so why are we here?]
Sirex-Well one of these factories here produces Klondike bars for this little town... Uh, by the.... y'know, ocean and it just so happens in town tomorrow they're having a 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?' competition sponsored by the local radio station, I say we find the Klondike factory, steal the bars then when tomorrows rolls around, all those humans, desperate enough for a Klondike bar to make fools of themselves but going without, they'll be ours for the picking.
Visser 3-[Brilliant, it's brilliant Sirex and that's why you're my special little guy.]
Sirex-Let's get busy sir.
*The Visser, Sirex and the Hork-Bajir go from warehouse to warehouse checking what's inside for Klondike bars*
Visser 3-*Opening one door* [What is..?] *He spies a production line in front of him lit by an eerie dim light, jar after jar of slimy green Famous Original Ray's Gherkins go past* [My brothers!!] *Gallops open and clutches several jars to his chest then starts smashing them open on the ground as the other three walk in behind him* [I'll free you have no fear! No! No! They're already dead!!!] *Buries face in his hands and begins to sob.*
Sirex-Um, sir, those are gherkins.
Visser 3-[What? Well, I knew that, yeah, didn't I know that men!?]
Hork-Bajir1&2-Yes sir, of course you did sir!
Visser 3-[Yeah, it was a joke see, a joke, funny ain't I? Now lets find the right damn factory while I'm still feeling so Goddamn good humoured.]
*Next day at the bustling local mall where an impermanent stage set up has been built before packed rows of chairs with a booth at the side for the radio announcers, the curtains are drawn and the contestants wait backstage.*
Ben-This is Ben..
Marty-And Marty, coming at'cha..
Ben-Live! From.. The mall! for K-L-O-D radio station.
Marty-And the K-L-O-D annual "What would you do for a Klondike bar" competition.
Ben-Where contestants publicly humiliate themselves in the hopes of winning our grand prize.
Marty-A years supply of Klondike bars! The delicious ice cream with the weird name that makes you think of Norwegian lesbians, kinda.
Ben-Marty! We discussed that!
Marty-And now on with the competition!
*Backstage, and first in line is Jake, Marco, Ax and even everyone's favourite, Britz, shift nervously in the line behind him.*
Guy-Alright kid, you're next, get yourself ready.
Jake-*very nervous* O-o-ok *takes his place at centre stage, looks at his finger* God I'm so nervous, I've chewed my nails through to the bone, siiigh, say, this gives me an idea.
*Outside, amongst many other Rachel Cassie and Tobias wait expectantly, the curtains draw open to expose Jake sitting on a stool and knawing on his toenails*
Rachel-Well that's pretty good, for him.
Cassie-That's my man, flexible.
*The audience begins to boo, Red Simmons (Who knows him, huh?) hits the gong, the judges hold up scores: 3, 4, 0, Red says something witty, Jah bless him*
Jake-Wait no! That isn't it, I got more! *A giant cane comes at it from stage right* Back off man! I said that wasn't the trick!
*Another cane comes from stage left and beats him across the head, the other cane grabs him and drags him off as the curtains close again, he stumbles over to the others.*
Tobias-Well you tried.
Jake-Hey that wasn't the trick ok? I was gonna do my ever famous party trick, y'know with the chickens.
Rachel-Oh! And the two-by-four?
Cassie-And the house of cards?
Jake-Yeah.
Tobias-Damn, that's a good one too.
*The curtains open again, Marco now stands center stage*
Marco-Good morning! For my trick I plan to juggle these three buzzing chainsaws while standing on one leg and singing 'Amazing Grace'. A-hem! *begins to juggle the chainsaws* Amazing grace! How sweet the...*predictably he fails to catch the flying chainsaws and two of them come down and lop off his arms at the shoulders* Ahhhh! Damnit I knew I should have practiced this before trying it out, or at least learned to juggle, still, look ma! No hands! *the last chainsaw comes down and slices through the leg he isn't standing on* Damnit!
Rachel-He's doing well.
*The audience is cheering, Marco grins*
Marco-*hopping about the stage* Thank you, thank you, I live to entertain! How sweet the sound! Was blind but now.. *trips and lands on one of the chainsaw blades which removes his leg at the hip, he bounces and falls off stage.*
*The audience roars approval, the judges award points, 10, 9 and even Red begrudgingly awards a 7, Marco wiggles over to the others.*
Marco-Bam baby! That's a born entertainer for you.
Jake-You expect us to believe that's just what you intended to do?
Marco-Pfft, yeah.. Hey and what happened to you? What was that up there?
Jake-They didn't give me time, I was gonna do my famous party trick, you know with the chickens *Marco looks confused* Y'know, and the inflatable penguin?
Marco-*face clears* Oh right, with the house of cards and the rubber gloves filled with sand?
Jake-Yeah that one.
*Next up! The curtain draws open to Ax, in Andalite form, wearing a beard of bees, juggling ocelots and dancing the Charleston balanced on a big rubber beach ball.*
Ax-[So is anyone here from the Horsehead Nebula? Funny story..]
Red-This guy's clearly got nothing. *GONG!*
*The judges award 5, 5 and 3, Ax is dragged off*
Ben-Wow this competition is really starting to heat up wouldn't you say Marty?
Marty-I'll say it again Ben, this competition is gonna end up just like the pig racing thing, in tears and with us forever banned in the state of Michigan.
Ben-Damnit Marty no peacocks are going to be hurt this time!
*Curtains open up on Elise Donner and Kimberly Morris, the next competitors.*
Elise-Uh, hi, I suppose you're wondering just what stupid, insane and potentially dangerous thing we'll be doing? Well, I wrote Animorphs book #30, The Reunion.
Guy-*standing up in audience*Oh well, that book was a little weak in areas I suppose.
Gal-*ditto* And that ending really sucked, I mean caught by a bug fighter?
Guy2-Yeah but I think passable under the circumstances; we'll let it go.
Elise-Oh, well, thank you.
Kim-Yeah well, I wrote #38, The Arrival.
Guy2-Oh God! That awful Ax book with that bullshit kissing scene and the nonsensical plot?
Gal2-Death to her! Death to the hack!!
Guy3-That book made my eyes burn, lets lynch her before she gets away!!
Kim-Oh no, not again!
*And so the audience did rise up against the great evil of Kimberly Morris, annihilating all that stood in their path in their determined pursuit of her accursed heel as her continued existence was a spit in the very all seeing eye of the Lord, and also Britz, who's kind of like God only with body odour, and a man, and so she was strung up from the highest telegraph pole in all the town and the rejoicing lasted for many a month and did rocketh the world with it's merriment, and the people of the free lands did feast upon the flesh of the water buffalo, and the defenceless kitten, and all breed of shell fish, and they did toke upon the leaf of the ganja plant and did watch daytime television upon their television sets with the blinds drawn and they did giggle inappropriately and all was right and as it should be*
Elise-I told you not to tell them.
*The slowly rocking hung corpse of Morris offers no rebuttal until the noose it hangs from breaks and it collapses on top of Elise, breaking her neck.*
And now for something completely different, the actual story.
*The curtain draws open on Britz*
Britz-Uh hi, well I was thinking today I'd sing for you The Kinks romantic classic 'Lola', cause y'know, there ain't nothing more romantic than a song about being seduced by a transvestite as a young man, also I'll be accompanying myself on the spoons! *Singing, badly and beating spoons together randomly* I met her in a club down in old Soho where they drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca Cola! C-O-C-A Cola! She walked up to me and asked me to dance, I said not a chance you she-male bitch, that's how it went I swear!... Lola!
*the audience begins to boo and hiss.*
Gal3-He's a monster! A monster!!!
Britz-Okay so maybe I touched it once, shut up! *spies the cane coming in from stage left* Wait wait! I got more it gets better, *pulls out a gas can, the cane draws back in interest* I saw Daffy Duck and a wolf do this one on two separate occasions, lemme get into costume, *puts on a pair of devil horns* Now first I will drink this can of kerosene (If you think you know where this is going, you know you're cool.)
Rachel-Oh this should be good.
Britz-*begins chugging on gas can* Schmeck schmeck, well, I've drunk worse, and recently, however I do concede BLEAAAAAHH!! *throws up all over stage* Eww, why didn't I practice this? Oh right, you can't, BLEEEAAAHHH!!! *passes out in pool of own vomit*
*One of the unnamed judges who just happens to be (?the recently deceased?) Johnny Knoxville, despite no previous mention and no explanation given, leaps up*
Knoxville-Oh yeah baby that's talent right there! He's gonna go far! Give, that man, the Klondike bars, right now!! *audience begins cheering*
Britz-*gets up and dusts off self* Oh well thank you, thank you very much.
*A forklift carrying a giant box marked 'Klondike Bars' trundles up beside the stage.*
Britz-Mmm, Norwegian lesbians.
*The box bursts apart, fragments flying every which way and from the smoke steps out Visser Three, his two Hork-Bajir guards and Sirex.*
Sirex-*panting* Wooo, hoo, hoo, boy, I think I was about to suffocate in there *breaths heavily*
Visser 3-[Oy... Thanks Sirex, way to fill them with a sense of awe and fear, yeah, good job.]
Sirex-Sorry boss.
Visser 3-[People of Earth, take me to your leader.]
*Audience is stunned, somewhere, a cricket chirps*
Visser 3-[Aheheheh, nah nah I'm just shittin' ya, I just, y'know, always wanted to say that, heheheh.]
*Audience continues looking stunned, the cricket is joined by his brethren.*
Britz-Umm, what has this got to do with my Klondike bars?
Visser 3-[We've done stole 'em, in the pursuit of world domination.]
Britz-Domination splominating...tion I want my candy! or ice cream, whatever the hell they are, I'm from Australia what do I know about such things.
Visser 3-*rubs temples* [Get 'im boys.]
Britz-Whoop-whoop-woop-woop-woop!!! *Hork-Bajir open fire, blowing Britz clear off stage* Ow! Quit doing that!
Visser 3-[Now! Puny Earthlings, cower before our alien might, or you'll never see your precious Klondike bars again!]
Guy87-What should we do?
Guy52-Well I guess we better start cowering.
*All the audience begins to cower except our heroes, the Animorphs, Ax cowers, because he's a jerk, till Marco slaps him upside the head..... Uh... With his tongue. (Well at least I didn't make a penis joke.)*
Visser 3-[Muahahahahaha!! All is coming to fruition, my plans will... Hey! Why aren't you guys cowering?]
Cassie-Uh, sorry, we're just resting up for a second.
Tobias-Yeah we just want to be at our cowering best for you.
Visser 3-[Aw, that's great, you take your time with that. *To Sirex* What a nice buncha kids. *To audience* Alright the rest of you get in line in an orderly fashion, we've got a little pool set up backstage, we're going.. uhh, dunking for Klondike bars, you don't mind getting your head a little wet and your ear a little infected for some Klondike bars do you?]
Gal48-No sir, I think we'd pretty much sell our bodies to an invading alien race for a Klondike bar.
Visser 3-[Now funny you should mention that, because after we've done the dunking, y'know just for a bit of fun we're gonna be inserting invading alien slugs into your heads to take over your body.]
Guy101-*scratching head* Gee I don't know...
Visser 3-[It will involve more Klondike bars.]
Guy101-Oh well okay then, lets go. *Audience begins to form a line backstage, Visser 3 turns away from our heroes to supervise.*
Jake-Now's our chance; we've got to get away.
Marco-I'll lead the way. *begins to wriggle and roll away at a rather.. Well about as fast as you'd expect, the others follow diligently.*
Britz-*popping out from behind the stage, riddled with Dracon beam holes* Wait! Take me with you.
Rachel-Aw jeez..
Britz-I think I threw my back out when they shot me all those times so you're gonna have to carry me.
Jake-No, piss off, we hate you. *The others nod in agreement*
Britz-Damnit this is not a healthy writer / character relationship, you should do what I tell you! Bloody hell... Cassie, Cassie you ol' softie you wouldn't go leaving a poor defenceless animal like me just lying here would you?
Cassie-Horny mutant shrubbery? *spits and walks away*
Britz-*Wave of spit rushes over Britz in Hot Shots 2 comedy styling* Ax! Aximili old buddy!
Ax-*makes the 'Who me?' gesture*
Britz-No Aximili Gonzales my old 'Nam buddy who's standing right behind you, of course you damnit!
Ax-[What do you want from me? Haven't you.... Haven't you already taking enough?]
Britz-I don't want anything Ax, uh, just before I die I wanted to tell you something... I love you Ax, I've always loved you... Cinnabons.... That's funny... I love that.
Ax-[You... You love me?]
Britz-Oh as if it wasn't obvious, the way I pick on you, just like a little boy pulling the pigtails of a girl he likes.
Ax-[What about that time you cut off my head, boiled me in lava and fed me to that giant three headed dog?]
Britz-Flirting! . . . . What? No good?
Ax-[What about the time you turned me into a leech and had me stepped on by M.C. Hammer?]
Britz-Yeah that was kinda funny wasn't it?
Ax-[Or that time...]
Britz-Listen! We could sit here and reminisce about the good times all day but it comes down to this dramatic moment after our long and healthy mating dance, I love you Axamillion-It'sgaryroth-Anthill, now do you have something to say?
Ax-[I..]
Britz-Oh God you don't feel the same way do you? Oh the pain the pain of it all!
Ax-[I..]
Britz-No don't try and justify it baby, you feel how you feel, I'll just lie here and bleed to death now... It'll be less painful that way, you go, save yourself.
Ax-[I..]
Britz-Let not the words leave your sweet lips, or, brain, whatever, don't spoil it, just go, and promise me you'll survive. Then maybe one day, if it's not to much trouble, you can look up at the stars and know somewhere, somebody in this big crazy hill of beans loved you, farwell, farwell, parting is such sweet sorrow.
Ax-*weeping* [I love you Britz!]
Britz-I love me to! *both collapse into each others arms, crying*
Ax-[I have an idea, climb onto my back and we can escape together.]
Britz-*rubbing chin* Y'know I never thought of that. *Climbs onto Ax's back* Heheheh, sucker.
*The pair gallop off into the sunset, and why the fuck not.*
*Back at Cassie's Barn the Animorphs regather*
Rachel-Well, we're screwed.
Jake-Rachel! How can you say such a thing?
Rachel-Hey you know I'm all for killing things... for good! For the power of good, but face it we're done for.
Tobias-[Yeah no more fighting the power for us, we're doomed, DOOMED!]
Jake-*turns to Marco, makes whip cracking motion* Whit-chi!
Tobias-[Stop doing that all the time, I am my own man and I make my own decisions even if they mostly side with what Rachel's already said.]
Rachel-Sure you do honey, now go wait in the car, we're hightailing it to Mexico while the hightailing's good.
Tobias-[Yes ma'am.]
Marco-Wait! *all look to him* I love Klondike Bars way to much to see them used like this, what would I do for a Klondike bar? The wholesome all American treat? I'll tell you, I'll FIGHT! *gestures violently as he can with no limbs, the effort causes him to teetor over and land face first in the dirt* Ugh, can someone help me up?
*Ax comes galloping into the barn as Jake and Cassie raise Marco with Britz riding on his back*
Ax-[Guys! I just wanted y'all to be the first I tell, I'm in love with Britz, and he loves me, we're to be married in the spring, Oh my parents won't approve but I don't care, in fact I want to sing our forbidden love to the whole wide world, I'm in love!]
*The Animorphs look shocked then begin to snicker*
Britz-Ssh, ssh, shut up! *points finger menacingly at Animorphs* You guys go about your business or I'm gonna crack some heads!
Cassie-No no, congratulations really.
Jake-Yeah, best wishes.
Britz-*Buries face in hands* Oy vey ismier.
Ax-[Let's go run through a field of wild flowers towards each other again! That was fun, only this time remember, towards.]
Britz-Yeah what the Hell. *poses dramatically* Hi-ho Silver! Away! *they gallop away together*
Cassie-Well I'm glad they finally found each other.
Rachel-Yeah that's nice, well, been nice knowing you guys.
Jake-Wait! Those two have given me an IDEA!
Marco-You're first? Does it hurt?
Jake-Fear not inhabitants of Earth, for I have a cunning plan!
*Months later Yeerk shock troops freely march the streets of that city place near whereever the Hell the Animorphs, where oh God where? I can't take writing it like that much longer. Hork-Bajir hang a giant poster on one skyscraper, not disimilar to old Yankee propaganda posters it features Visser Three pointing defiantly wearing an Uncle Sam hat with the proclamation 'What Would YOU Do For A Klondike Bar?' Directly below Kimberly Morris and Elise Donner walk along the street*
Kim-I can't believe Klondike bars have ultimately doomed the human race, seriously I didn't see it coming.
Elise-Like it makes any less sense than what you've written.
Hork-Bajir-Look out below!!
*A scaffodling used in putting up the poster arcs down and crushes Elise underneath it, I think we can safely assume, killing her.*
Kim-Mm, that's what you get, bitch... Oh no! Heart attack! *stumbles about* Wait, no it was just GAA-A-A-S-S-s-s-s-s!!! (Oh did I not mention the stumbling towards an open manhole? I'm pretty sure I did oh my yes.)
*Meanwhile further down the street our heroes the Animorphs are walking along the street, observing their surroundings*
Jake-*reading from poster* Turn in your friends and family, win a years supply of Klondike bars and other valuable prizes, yep, didn't work.
Rachel-Looks like we blew it, I can't believe the Visser took America's favourite ice cream and turned it into a weapon of mass enslavement in just three short months.
Marco-*bouncing along, limbless*I warned yee! Didn't I warn yee?!
Cassie-You warned us about the integral part civil war re-enactments would have in all this, you never mentioned Klondike bars.
Marco-Well it was all part of the same bit, I mean, the connection was obvious.
Cassie-And yet you didn't make it!
Tobias-Um, listen guys I was thinking maybe you could leave me and Rachel be for a minute, there was that.. THING I wanted to ASK her?
Jake-Oh right, the pro..Oh right, say is that Billy Holiday?
Rachel-Oh where? I love him!
Jake-No Rachel, you stay here in case that hot dog cart loops the block again.
Rachel-*sighs* Right right, pig anus with everything and a coke, I'll get it.
Jake-That a girl. *Him and the others walk and bounce away.*
Tobias-Listen Rachel, there's something I've been, putting off for a time now and given it appears the world is likely to be taking over by brain stealing slugs within the next few weeks I thought there'd be no better time to ask..*scalding coffee suddenly pours down on his head from the sky* OW! Oh my eyes! My eyes! Where'd that come from?
*Meanwhile, up in the towering skyscraper above a Boss is ranting at his secretary*
Bossman-*pouring the last of a coffee jug out the window* And that Barbara is what I think of coffee made without a new filter!
Barbara-*looks unimpressed, continues smoking*
Bossman-And your constant smoking! Why look at this office, it's absolutely disgusting, filled with overflowing ashtrays! Don't know how to empty them huh? Lemme show you! *Scoops up an armful of ashtrays and throws them out the window.*
*Down below Tobias scurries about as ashtrays explode around, covering him in cigarette butts.*
Tobias-What the Hell's going on? No, I won't let this distract me, Rachel, ever since I first laid eyes on you...
*Upstairs*
Bossman-And this bucket of shrimp you've left here for the past three weeks! I don't care for the smell of three-week-old shrimp myself! Out the window with it! *Grabs up bucket of shrimp...*
Tobias-*kneeling*..And I knew you were the girl I wanted to grow old with...*A bucket-worth of shrimp comes pouring down on his head* Well this is getting weird and even more disgusting. *Bucket falls and bounces off his head* OW!
Bossman-And this grand piano! Why do we even keep it around? It serves no purpose here! This is a place of business for Christ's sake! *Shoves grand piano mightily out the window, dusts off hands* There, now maybe we can get some work done around here!
Rachel-Are you sure you're okay? *picks a shrimp out his hair and flings it away*
Tobias-I will be, if you answer in the positive for what I'm about to say, Rachel, will you marry... *A grand piano crashes down atop Tobias' head, leaving a crater full of kindling in front of Rachel*
Rachel-Tobias! Are you okay!?
Tobias-*pain filled groan from beneath the wreckage*
Rachel-Tobias! *gets to her knees and clears back the shards of wood to finally expose Tobias' face* Are you okay?
Tobias-...I think so... except you know... I think I might be bleeding internally... Little bit...
Rachel-Oh well that's good, now.. You were saying?
Tobias-Ummmmm, nothing, nope, no, nothing at all.
Rachel-Excuse me?
Tobias-*sits up, whispering* Rachel, geez, if the proposal is this hard to spit out how do you think the wedding would go, I don't even want to know what'd happen in the part calling for objections.
Rachel-Humph! *Walks off*
Tobias-Wait! We can still be friends? Right?
Bossman-*from high above, unseen* And this ten tonne paperweight! I want it gone!!
*A ten tonne paperweight comes down and crashes on top of Tobias.*
*Scene: well made middle class 70's sitcom home just inside the front door, nice rug, a hat rack, all basked in an inexplicable sepia tone, front door opens.*
Britz-Ax honey, I'm home! *audience laugh*
Ax-*appears in an apron and oven mitts* [Welcome home baby, how was your day?]
Britz-I work in Hell remember baby... It was great! I tell you those new iron maidens we got in the office really brighten up the place, say, is that pot roast I smell?
Ax-[You know it.]
Britz-Aw that's great I tell ya, just great, and the place look fabulous, sepia tone and all, 'cept the plants, you been watering them? They look a little limp.
Ax-*hands on hips* [Well maybe we should move them into the bedroom, they might be more at home there.] *Audience laughing and wooing*
Britz-*seething, jabbing finger* We have been through this, I am not, pushing, the beds together!! Learn to go without!
Ax-[Okay okay.]
Britz-Well I'm taking off my pants, oh, by the way my boss Lord Satan is coming to dinner tonight.
Ax-[Whaa?] *audience laugh*
Britz-Yeah, him and a couple of high ranking Andalite generals I meet at the pub, oh and the regional director of the IRS.
Ax-[Did you invite all these people today?]
Bitz-No, that would be stupid, I invited them all last week to give you some time to prepare.... Then I forgot to tell you about it....
Ax-[Honey doll I have nothing to serve all these important people!]
Britz-Whatever I'm gonna go into the crawlspace and eat mayonnaise again.
Ax-[Oh no you're not! You'll spoil your appetite.]
Britz-*loosening his tie and skulking over to the bar* You're turning into your mother.
Ax-[You're an ass!]
*There is a knocking at the front door, the pair look at each other.*
Britz-*fixing himself a bourbon, sarcastic* Ya gonna get that? Sweetums?
Ax-*narrows eyes but answers the door.*
Satan-Hello, you must be Mrs Britten, Britz told me you were lovely but I had no idea... Oh I hope you don't mind, I bought some potato salad with me.
The End... No Wait!
Elise Donner and Kim Morris sat out in deck chairs on the balcony of their shared apartment, curled up with their least favourite books, their own.
"Ugh!" Kim finally exclaimed, "I can't take this anymore, duh, not as good as choclate, duh. What have I created?"
"You know what I think Kim?" Elise said in reply, "We're better than this, these books, I mean were young and crazy, what well known writer hasn't dabbled in a little humiliating ghost writing in their youth? We were writing with someone else's established story and character, expectations were set but not by us, it's not fair to judge us by these books, we can rise above!"
"Really?"
"Well, I could."
Kim looked away, snivelling at the ground, "I don't know..."
"Kimmie! Look at moi! Look at moi! (Who gets it huh? Who's proud to get that joke?) We can rise to mediocre but recognised airport paperback Mills and Bonne maybe status! And the first thing we're gonna do is burn these damn books!" She thrust out her hand clutching copies of both #30 and #38. "Grab something we can burn these in, a big pot or something."
Kim went to the cupboards, "Ah, there's a wok here will that do?"
Elise sighed "Umm... yes, sit it on the table. Alright, next some lighter fluid and matches."
Kim went for the drawers, "Say did you hear something in there?"
"What? No, oh wait, it must be our neighbour, I let him use the bathroom, come on, something must be done, and in the heat!" Kim grabbed the lighter fluid from a drawer and liberally squirted it over the books in the wok.
"Douse them! Douse them I want them gone from my sight!" Elise cried, "Say do you smell something?"
A wooden at the other side of the room, "Ah I think yer terlet might be broken there missy." Britz said, hitching up his pants, "Thanks anyway though."
"Oh thank you very much." Elise growled, "Hmmm..." Out of the corner of her eye she saw Kim select a huge wooden match and line up to strike it, everything seemed to slow down as Elise and Britz's face contorted in horror.
"Kimmie! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Elise hand all to slowly flew out to try and knock the pack from Kim's grasp but the match head travelled ever downwards and it sparked against the rough chemically treated surface.
Like a magnified flame lick of a gun a wall of fire busted out the apartment windows some four stories above the street and blazed in open space, shrapnel rained down on the mostly quiet streets.
The Devil's head jerked back, "Whoa, did you feel that?"
[No,] Ax replied annoyed, laying back on the couch. [Now hurry, before my husband comes back.] He wrapped a many fingered hand around the back of Satan's head and pushed it down again.
"Wow I've never met a girl like you before."
[I know.]
The Merciful End.. Or is it? (Seriously tell me, I lost track of this fic about the time I declared my endless love for Ax.)
- Britz announces his undying love to Aximili (since that's the reason why he always picks on Ax)
- A piano falls on Tobias's head while he's proposing
- gherkins are to be mistaken for Yeerks, or the other way around
- Elise Donner and Kimberly Morris are to die in total of 8 times, one of which is either directly or indirectly from reading their own ghosted books.
- Jake is to be caught nibbling his toenails
- Marco has to be limbless but conscious for some time
I'm gonna warn you now, this is going to be a painful experience for you, just, eh go on and read, oh by the way yeah I change styles about two seconds into the story DO NOT PANIC.
Disclaimer-It's not mine and given this, it shouldn't be, some of it's Kimberly Morris's and Elise Donner... They shouldn't have had it either, but I don't them or those god awful ghosted books of theirs, #30 and #38... Okay #30 was okay but God don't get me started on #38 and whatever Klondike, yaddi yadda, I'm in a talkative mood as I write this you noticed that?
What Would Visser Three Do For A Klondike Bar?
'Twas a dark and clement night in the factory district of a certain unnamed seaside town, all appeared still except for a lone abandoned chip packet in the wind when two shadowy figures darted in between the bulky buildings.
"Lovely night to be out isn't it Ms Donner?" Kim asked her shadowy partner.
"To be sure Ms Morris." Elise replied.
Kim drew in and expelled a lungful of cold air and stared up at the stars, "I love the night sky, watching the dark, cheap clouds go by and cover the stars and established patterns."
"That was some awful symbolism Ms Morris."
"I suppose it was Ms Donner." The pair walked in silence for a few moments.
"Why look at that cloud Ms Morris." Elise exclaimed.
"Why it looks almost like a... Spaceship Ms Donner." Kim said.
"It looks so close." Elise noted, "As it were about to land right on top o..." With a thundering roll the Blade Ship settled on the pavement, turning the pair into hack-goo.
[Pfft, nice landing, dickhead.] Visser Three said, slapping his pilot upside the head.
A ramp descended from the ship and two Hork-Bajir tropped down, inspecting the immediate area, when all appeared well they waved the Visser and his top scientist down. Visser Three cooly stepped off the ramp with Sirex in close pursuit.
Sirex-*jutting a thumb at the Hork-Bajir* Are we supposed to tip those guys? I'm never sure.
Visser 3-[Sirex we're in the warehouse district at two in the morning, hurry up and explain the plan before we get mugged.]
Sirex-......Kay... Visser as you well know Klondike bars have been one of America's favourites for eighty years, in helpful multi-packs and oh-so-simple single serve packages available in many tasty flavours what wouldn't anybody do what where for a Klondike bar? The delicious ice cream with the funny name.
Visser 3-[Noted.]
Sirex-Well bearing their famous slogan in mind the plan seemed obvious, we steal all the Klondike Bars on Earth and if the humans want them back why they'll just have to surrender to our alien might.
Visser 3-[Couldn't they just, y'know, surrender to our alien might as it is?]
Sirex-Oh no mi'lor.. Visser, you know these humans, they've got to have some sort of incentive.
Visser 3-[It's so crazy it just might work.]
Sirex-Yes, but I thought we'd best have a trial run after that messy business with the free will drug.
Visser 3-[Yes, he was a member of your department wasn't he?]
Sirex-I'd remind you I'm not in charge of hiring, sir.
Visser 3-[Alright don't rub it in, so why are we here?]
Sirex-Well one of these factories here produces Klondike bars for this little town... Uh, by the.... y'know, ocean and it just so happens in town tomorrow they're having a 'What would you do for a Klondike bar?' competition sponsored by the local radio station, I say we find the Klondike factory, steal the bars then when tomorrows rolls around, all those humans, desperate enough for a Klondike bar to make fools of themselves but going without, they'll be ours for the picking.
Visser 3-[Brilliant, it's brilliant Sirex and that's why you're my special little guy.]
Sirex-Let's get busy sir.
*The Visser, Sirex and the Hork-Bajir go from warehouse to warehouse checking what's inside for Klondike bars*
Visser 3-*Opening one door* [What is..?] *He spies a production line in front of him lit by an eerie dim light, jar after jar of slimy green Famous Original Ray's Gherkins go past* [My brothers!!] *Gallops open and clutches several jars to his chest then starts smashing them open on the ground as the other three walk in behind him* [I'll free you have no fear! No! No! They're already dead!!!] *Buries face in his hands and begins to sob.*
Sirex-Um, sir, those are gherkins.
Visser 3-[What? Well, I knew that, yeah, didn't I know that men!?]
Hork-Bajir1&2-Yes sir, of course you did sir!
Visser 3-[Yeah, it was a joke see, a joke, funny ain't I? Now lets find the right damn factory while I'm still feeling so Goddamn good humoured.]
*Next day at the bustling local mall where an impermanent stage set up has been built before packed rows of chairs with a booth at the side for the radio announcers, the curtains are drawn and the contestants wait backstage.*
Ben-This is Ben..
Marty-And Marty, coming at'cha..
Ben-Live! From.. The mall! for K-L-O-D radio station.
Marty-And the K-L-O-D annual "What would you do for a Klondike bar" competition.
Ben-Where contestants publicly humiliate themselves in the hopes of winning our grand prize.
Marty-A years supply of Klondike bars! The delicious ice cream with the weird name that makes you think of Norwegian lesbians, kinda.
Ben-Marty! We discussed that!
Marty-And now on with the competition!
*Backstage, and first in line is Jake, Marco, Ax and even everyone's favourite, Britz, shift nervously in the line behind him.*
Guy-Alright kid, you're next, get yourself ready.
Jake-*very nervous* O-o-ok *takes his place at centre stage, looks at his finger* God I'm so nervous, I've chewed my nails through to the bone, siiigh, say, this gives me an idea.
*Outside, amongst many other Rachel Cassie and Tobias wait expectantly, the curtains draw open to expose Jake sitting on a stool and knawing on his toenails*
Rachel-Well that's pretty good, for him.
Cassie-That's my man, flexible.
*The audience begins to boo, Red Simmons (Who knows him, huh?) hits the gong, the judges hold up scores: 3, 4, 0, Red says something witty, Jah bless him*
Jake-Wait no! That isn't it, I got more! *A giant cane comes at it from stage right* Back off man! I said that wasn't the trick!
*Another cane comes from stage left and beats him across the head, the other cane grabs him and drags him off as the curtains close again, he stumbles over to the others.*
Tobias-Well you tried.
Jake-Hey that wasn't the trick ok? I was gonna do my ever famous party trick, y'know with the chickens.
Rachel-Oh! And the two-by-four?
Cassie-And the house of cards?
Jake-Yeah.
Tobias-Damn, that's a good one too.
*The curtains open again, Marco now stands center stage*
Marco-Good morning! For my trick I plan to juggle these three buzzing chainsaws while standing on one leg and singing 'Amazing Grace'. A-hem! *begins to juggle the chainsaws* Amazing grace! How sweet the...*predictably he fails to catch the flying chainsaws and two of them come down and lop off his arms at the shoulders* Ahhhh! Damnit I knew I should have practiced this before trying it out, or at least learned to juggle, still, look ma! No hands! *the last chainsaw comes down and slices through the leg he isn't standing on* Damnit!
Rachel-He's doing well.
*The audience is cheering, Marco grins*
Marco-*hopping about the stage* Thank you, thank you, I live to entertain! How sweet the sound! Was blind but now.. *trips and lands on one of the chainsaw blades which removes his leg at the hip, he bounces and falls off stage.*
*The audience roars approval, the judges award points, 10, 9 and even Red begrudgingly awards a 7, Marco wiggles over to the others.*
Marco-Bam baby! That's a born entertainer for you.
Jake-You expect us to believe that's just what you intended to do?
Marco-Pfft, yeah.. Hey and what happened to you? What was that up there?
Jake-They didn't give me time, I was gonna do my famous party trick, you know with the chickens *Marco looks confused* Y'know, and the inflatable penguin?
Marco-*face clears* Oh right, with the house of cards and the rubber gloves filled with sand?
Jake-Yeah that one.
*Next up! The curtain draws open to Ax, in Andalite form, wearing a beard of bees, juggling ocelots and dancing the Charleston balanced on a big rubber beach ball.*
Ax-[So is anyone here from the Horsehead Nebula? Funny story..]
Red-This guy's clearly got nothing. *GONG!*
*The judges award 5, 5 and 3, Ax is dragged off*
Ben-Wow this competition is really starting to heat up wouldn't you say Marty?
Marty-I'll say it again Ben, this competition is gonna end up just like the pig racing thing, in tears and with us forever banned in the state of Michigan.
Ben-Damnit Marty no peacocks are going to be hurt this time!
*Curtains open up on Elise Donner and Kimberly Morris, the next competitors.*
Elise-Uh, hi, I suppose you're wondering just what stupid, insane and potentially dangerous thing we'll be doing? Well, I wrote Animorphs book #30, The Reunion.
Guy-*standing up in audience*Oh well, that book was a little weak in areas I suppose.
Gal-*ditto* And that ending really sucked, I mean caught by a bug fighter?
Guy2-Yeah but I think passable under the circumstances; we'll let it go.
Elise-Oh, well, thank you.
Kim-Yeah well, I wrote #38, The Arrival.
Guy2-Oh God! That awful Ax book with that bullshit kissing scene and the nonsensical plot?
Gal2-Death to her! Death to the hack!!
Guy3-That book made my eyes burn, lets lynch her before she gets away!!
Kim-Oh no, not again!
*And so the audience did rise up against the great evil of Kimberly Morris, annihilating all that stood in their path in their determined pursuit of her accursed heel as her continued existence was a spit in the very all seeing eye of the Lord, and also Britz, who's kind of like God only with body odour, and a man, and so she was strung up from the highest telegraph pole in all the town and the rejoicing lasted for many a month and did rocketh the world with it's merriment, and the people of the free lands did feast upon the flesh of the water buffalo, and the defenceless kitten, and all breed of shell fish, and they did toke upon the leaf of the ganja plant and did watch daytime television upon their television sets with the blinds drawn and they did giggle inappropriately and all was right and as it should be*
Elise-I told you not to tell them.
*The slowly rocking hung corpse of Morris offers no rebuttal until the noose it hangs from breaks and it collapses on top of Elise, breaking her neck.*
And now for something completely different, the actual story.
*The curtain draws open on Britz*
Britz-Uh hi, well I was thinking today I'd sing for you The Kinks romantic classic 'Lola', cause y'know, there ain't nothing more romantic than a song about being seduced by a transvestite as a young man, also I'll be accompanying myself on the spoons! *Singing, badly and beating spoons together randomly* I met her in a club down in old Soho where they drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca Cola! C-O-C-A Cola! She walked up to me and asked me to dance, I said not a chance you she-male bitch, that's how it went I swear!... Lola!
*the audience begins to boo and hiss.*
Gal3-He's a monster! A monster!!!
Britz-Okay so maybe I touched it once, shut up! *spies the cane coming in from stage left* Wait wait! I got more it gets better, *pulls out a gas can, the cane draws back in interest* I saw Daffy Duck and a wolf do this one on two separate occasions, lemme get into costume, *puts on a pair of devil horns* Now first I will drink this can of kerosene (If you think you know where this is going, you know you're cool.)
Rachel-Oh this should be good.
Britz-*begins chugging on gas can* Schmeck schmeck, well, I've drunk worse, and recently, however I do concede BLEAAAAAHH!! *throws up all over stage* Eww, why didn't I practice this? Oh right, you can't, BLEEEAAAHHH!!! *passes out in pool of own vomit*
*One of the unnamed judges who just happens to be (?the recently deceased?) Johnny Knoxville, despite no previous mention and no explanation given, leaps up*
Knoxville-Oh yeah baby that's talent right there! He's gonna go far! Give, that man, the Klondike bars, right now!! *audience begins cheering*
Britz-*gets up and dusts off self* Oh well thank you, thank you very much.
*A forklift carrying a giant box marked 'Klondike Bars' trundles up beside the stage.*
Britz-Mmm, Norwegian lesbians.
*The box bursts apart, fragments flying every which way and from the smoke steps out Visser Three, his two Hork-Bajir guards and Sirex.*
Sirex-*panting* Wooo, hoo, hoo, boy, I think I was about to suffocate in there *breaths heavily*
Visser 3-[Oy... Thanks Sirex, way to fill them with a sense of awe and fear, yeah, good job.]
Sirex-Sorry boss.
Visser 3-[People of Earth, take me to your leader.]
*Audience is stunned, somewhere, a cricket chirps*
Visser 3-[Aheheheh, nah nah I'm just shittin' ya, I just, y'know, always wanted to say that, heheheh.]
*Audience continues looking stunned, the cricket is joined by his brethren.*
Britz-Umm, what has this got to do with my Klondike bars?
Visser 3-[We've done stole 'em, in the pursuit of world domination.]
Britz-Domination splominating...tion I want my candy! or ice cream, whatever the hell they are, I'm from Australia what do I know about such things.
Visser 3-*rubs temples* [Get 'im boys.]
Britz-Whoop-whoop-woop-woop-woop!!! *Hork-Bajir open fire, blowing Britz clear off stage* Ow! Quit doing that!
Visser 3-[Now! Puny Earthlings, cower before our alien might, or you'll never see your precious Klondike bars again!]
Guy87-What should we do?
Guy52-Well I guess we better start cowering.
*All the audience begins to cower except our heroes, the Animorphs, Ax cowers, because he's a jerk, till Marco slaps him upside the head..... Uh... With his tongue. (Well at least I didn't make a penis joke.)*
Visser 3-[Muahahahahaha!! All is coming to fruition, my plans will... Hey! Why aren't you guys cowering?]
Cassie-Uh, sorry, we're just resting up for a second.
Tobias-Yeah we just want to be at our cowering best for you.
Visser 3-[Aw, that's great, you take your time with that. *To Sirex* What a nice buncha kids. *To audience* Alright the rest of you get in line in an orderly fashion, we've got a little pool set up backstage, we're going.. uhh, dunking for Klondike bars, you don't mind getting your head a little wet and your ear a little infected for some Klondike bars do you?]
Gal48-No sir, I think we'd pretty much sell our bodies to an invading alien race for a Klondike bar.
Visser 3-[Now funny you should mention that, because after we've done the dunking, y'know just for a bit of fun we're gonna be inserting invading alien slugs into your heads to take over your body.]
Guy101-*scratching head* Gee I don't know...
Visser 3-[It will involve more Klondike bars.]
Guy101-Oh well okay then, lets go. *Audience begins to form a line backstage, Visser 3 turns away from our heroes to supervise.*
Jake-Now's our chance; we've got to get away.
Marco-I'll lead the way. *begins to wriggle and roll away at a rather.. Well about as fast as you'd expect, the others follow diligently.*
Britz-*popping out from behind the stage, riddled with Dracon beam holes* Wait! Take me with you.
Rachel-Aw jeez..
Britz-I think I threw my back out when they shot me all those times so you're gonna have to carry me.
Jake-No, piss off, we hate you. *The others nod in agreement*
Britz-Damnit this is not a healthy writer / character relationship, you should do what I tell you! Bloody hell... Cassie, Cassie you ol' softie you wouldn't go leaving a poor defenceless animal like me just lying here would you?
Cassie-Horny mutant shrubbery? *spits and walks away*
Britz-*Wave of spit rushes over Britz in Hot Shots 2 comedy styling* Ax! Aximili old buddy!
Ax-*makes the 'Who me?' gesture*
Britz-No Aximili Gonzales my old 'Nam buddy who's standing right behind you, of course you damnit!
Ax-[What do you want from me? Haven't you.... Haven't you already taking enough?]
Britz-I don't want anything Ax, uh, just before I die I wanted to tell you something... I love you Ax, I've always loved you... Cinnabons.... That's funny... I love that.
Ax-[You... You love me?]
Britz-Oh as if it wasn't obvious, the way I pick on you, just like a little boy pulling the pigtails of a girl he likes.
Ax-[What about that time you cut off my head, boiled me in lava and fed me to that giant three headed dog?]
Britz-Flirting! . . . . What? No good?
Ax-[What about the time you turned me into a leech and had me stepped on by M.C. Hammer?]
Britz-Yeah that was kinda funny wasn't it?
Ax-[Or that time...]
Britz-Listen! We could sit here and reminisce about the good times all day but it comes down to this dramatic moment after our long and healthy mating dance, I love you Axamillion-It'sgaryroth-Anthill, now do you have something to say?
Ax-[I..]
Britz-Oh God you don't feel the same way do you? Oh the pain the pain of it all!
Ax-[I..]
Britz-No don't try and justify it baby, you feel how you feel, I'll just lie here and bleed to death now... It'll be less painful that way, you go, save yourself.
Ax-[I..]
Britz-Let not the words leave your sweet lips, or, brain, whatever, don't spoil it, just go, and promise me you'll survive. Then maybe one day, if it's not to much trouble, you can look up at the stars and know somewhere, somebody in this big crazy hill of beans loved you, farwell, farwell, parting is such sweet sorrow.
Ax-*weeping* [I love you Britz!]
Britz-I love me to! *both collapse into each others arms, crying*
Ax-[I have an idea, climb onto my back and we can escape together.]
Britz-*rubbing chin* Y'know I never thought of that. *Climbs onto Ax's back* Heheheh, sucker.
*The pair gallop off into the sunset, and why the fuck not.*
*Back at Cassie's Barn the Animorphs regather*
Rachel-Well, we're screwed.
Jake-Rachel! How can you say such a thing?
Rachel-Hey you know I'm all for killing things... for good! For the power of good, but face it we're done for.
Tobias-[Yeah no more fighting the power for us, we're doomed, DOOMED!]
Jake-*turns to Marco, makes whip cracking motion* Whit-chi!
Tobias-[Stop doing that all the time, I am my own man and I make my own decisions even if they mostly side with what Rachel's already said.]
Rachel-Sure you do honey, now go wait in the car, we're hightailing it to Mexico while the hightailing's good.
Tobias-[Yes ma'am.]
Marco-Wait! *all look to him* I love Klondike Bars way to much to see them used like this, what would I do for a Klondike bar? The wholesome all American treat? I'll tell you, I'll FIGHT! *gestures violently as he can with no limbs, the effort causes him to teetor over and land face first in the dirt* Ugh, can someone help me up?
*Ax comes galloping into the barn as Jake and Cassie raise Marco with Britz riding on his back*
Ax-[Guys! I just wanted y'all to be the first I tell, I'm in love with Britz, and he loves me, we're to be married in the spring, Oh my parents won't approve but I don't care, in fact I want to sing our forbidden love to the whole wide world, I'm in love!]
*The Animorphs look shocked then begin to snicker*
Britz-Ssh, ssh, shut up! *points finger menacingly at Animorphs* You guys go about your business or I'm gonna crack some heads!
Cassie-No no, congratulations really.
Jake-Yeah, best wishes.
Britz-*Buries face in hands* Oy vey ismier.
Ax-[Let's go run through a field of wild flowers towards each other again! That was fun, only this time remember, towards.]
Britz-Yeah what the Hell. *poses dramatically* Hi-ho Silver! Away! *they gallop away together*
Cassie-Well I'm glad they finally found each other.
Rachel-Yeah that's nice, well, been nice knowing you guys.
Jake-Wait! Those two have given me an IDEA!
Marco-You're first? Does it hurt?
Jake-Fear not inhabitants of Earth, for I have a cunning plan!
*Months later Yeerk shock troops freely march the streets of that city place near whereever the Hell the Animorphs, where oh God where? I can't take writing it like that much longer. Hork-Bajir hang a giant poster on one skyscraper, not disimilar to old Yankee propaganda posters it features Visser Three pointing defiantly wearing an Uncle Sam hat with the proclamation 'What Would YOU Do For A Klondike Bar?' Directly below Kimberly Morris and Elise Donner walk along the street*
Kim-I can't believe Klondike bars have ultimately doomed the human race, seriously I didn't see it coming.
Elise-Like it makes any less sense than what you've written.
Hork-Bajir-Look out below!!
*A scaffodling used in putting up the poster arcs down and crushes Elise underneath it, I think we can safely assume, killing her.*
Kim-Mm, that's what you get, bitch... Oh no! Heart attack! *stumbles about* Wait, no it was just GAA-A-A-S-S-s-s-s-s!!! (Oh did I not mention the stumbling towards an open manhole? I'm pretty sure I did oh my yes.)
*Meanwhile further down the street our heroes the Animorphs are walking along the street, observing their surroundings*
Jake-*reading from poster* Turn in your friends and family, win a years supply of Klondike bars and other valuable prizes, yep, didn't work.
Rachel-Looks like we blew it, I can't believe the Visser took America's favourite ice cream and turned it into a weapon of mass enslavement in just three short months.
Marco-*bouncing along, limbless*I warned yee! Didn't I warn yee?!
Cassie-You warned us about the integral part civil war re-enactments would have in all this, you never mentioned Klondike bars.
Marco-Well it was all part of the same bit, I mean, the connection was obvious.
Cassie-And yet you didn't make it!
Tobias-Um, listen guys I was thinking maybe you could leave me and Rachel be for a minute, there was that.. THING I wanted to ASK her?
Jake-Oh right, the pro..Oh right, say is that Billy Holiday?
Rachel-Oh where? I love him!
Jake-No Rachel, you stay here in case that hot dog cart loops the block again.
Rachel-*sighs* Right right, pig anus with everything and a coke, I'll get it.
Jake-That a girl. *Him and the others walk and bounce away.*
Tobias-Listen Rachel, there's something I've been, putting off for a time now and given it appears the world is likely to be taking over by brain stealing slugs within the next few weeks I thought there'd be no better time to ask..*scalding coffee suddenly pours down on his head from the sky* OW! Oh my eyes! My eyes! Where'd that come from?
*Meanwhile, up in the towering skyscraper above a Boss is ranting at his secretary*
Bossman-*pouring the last of a coffee jug out the window* And that Barbara is what I think of coffee made without a new filter!
Barbara-*looks unimpressed, continues smoking*
Bossman-And your constant smoking! Why look at this office, it's absolutely disgusting, filled with overflowing ashtrays! Don't know how to empty them huh? Lemme show you! *Scoops up an armful of ashtrays and throws them out the window.*
*Down below Tobias scurries about as ashtrays explode around, covering him in cigarette butts.*
Tobias-What the Hell's going on? No, I won't let this distract me, Rachel, ever since I first laid eyes on you...
*Upstairs*
Bossman-And this bucket of shrimp you've left here for the past three weeks! I don't care for the smell of three-week-old shrimp myself! Out the window with it! *Grabs up bucket of shrimp...*
Tobias-*kneeling*..And I knew you were the girl I wanted to grow old with...*A bucket-worth of shrimp comes pouring down on his head* Well this is getting weird and even more disgusting. *Bucket falls and bounces off his head* OW!
Bossman-And this grand piano! Why do we even keep it around? It serves no purpose here! This is a place of business for Christ's sake! *Shoves grand piano mightily out the window, dusts off hands* There, now maybe we can get some work done around here!
Rachel-Are you sure you're okay? *picks a shrimp out his hair and flings it away*
Tobias-I will be, if you answer in the positive for what I'm about to say, Rachel, will you marry... *A grand piano crashes down atop Tobias' head, leaving a crater full of kindling in front of Rachel*
Rachel-Tobias! Are you okay!?
Tobias-*pain filled groan from beneath the wreckage*
Rachel-Tobias! *gets to her knees and clears back the shards of wood to finally expose Tobias' face* Are you okay?
Tobias-...I think so... except you know... I think I might be bleeding internally... Little bit...
Rachel-Oh well that's good, now.. You were saying?
Tobias-Ummmmm, nothing, nope, no, nothing at all.
Rachel-Excuse me?
Tobias-*sits up, whispering* Rachel, geez, if the proposal is this hard to spit out how do you think the wedding would go, I don't even want to know what'd happen in the part calling for objections.
Rachel-Humph! *Walks off*
Tobias-Wait! We can still be friends? Right?
Bossman-*from high above, unseen* And this ten tonne paperweight! I want it gone!!
*A ten tonne paperweight comes down and crashes on top of Tobias.*
*Scene: well made middle class 70's sitcom home just inside the front door, nice rug, a hat rack, all basked in an inexplicable sepia tone, front door opens.*
Britz-Ax honey, I'm home! *audience laugh*
Ax-*appears in an apron and oven mitts* [Welcome home baby, how was your day?]
Britz-I work in Hell remember baby... It was great! I tell you those new iron maidens we got in the office really brighten up the place, say, is that pot roast I smell?
Ax-[You know it.]
Britz-Aw that's great I tell ya, just great, and the place look fabulous, sepia tone and all, 'cept the plants, you been watering them? They look a little limp.
Ax-*hands on hips* [Well maybe we should move them into the bedroom, they might be more at home there.] *Audience laughing and wooing*
Britz-*seething, jabbing finger* We have been through this, I am not, pushing, the beds together!! Learn to go without!
Ax-[Okay okay.]
Britz-Well I'm taking off my pants, oh, by the way my boss Lord Satan is coming to dinner tonight.
Ax-[Whaa?] *audience laugh*
Britz-Yeah, him and a couple of high ranking Andalite generals I meet at the pub, oh and the regional director of the IRS.
Ax-[Did you invite all these people today?]
Bitz-No, that would be stupid, I invited them all last week to give you some time to prepare.... Then I forgot to tell you about it....
Ax-[Honey doll I have nothing to serve all these important people!]
Britz-Whatever I'm gonna go into the crawlspace and eat mayonnaise again.
Ax-[Oh no you're not! You'll spoil your appetite.]
Britz-*loosening his tie and skulking over to the bar* You're turning into your mother.
Ax-[You're an ass!]
*There is a knocking at the front door, the pair look at each other.*
Britz-*fixing himself a bourbon, sarcastic* Ya gonna get that? Sweetums?
Ax-*narrows eyes but answers the door.*
Satan-Hello, you must be Mrs Britten, Britz told me you were lovely but I had no idea... Oh I hope you don't mind, I bought some potato salad with me.
The End... No Wait!
Elise Donner and Kim Morris sat out in deck chairs on the balcony of their shared apartment, curled up with their least favourite books, their own.
"Ugh!" Kim finally exclaimed, "I can't take this anymore, duh, not as good as choclate, duh. What have I created?"
"You know what I think Kim?" Elise said in reply, "We're better than this, these books, I mean were young and crazy, what well known writer hasn't dabbled in a little humiliating ghost writing in their youth? We were writing with someone else's established story and character, expectations were set but not by us, it's not fair to judge us by these books, we can rise above!"
"Really?"
"Well, I could."
Kim looked away, snivelling at the ground, "I don't know..."
"Kimmie! Look at moi! Look at moi! (Who gets it huh? Who's proud to get that joke?) We can rise to mediocre but recognised airport paperback Mills and Bonne maybe status! And the first thing we're gonna do is burn these damn books!" She thrust out her hand clutching copies of both #30 and #38. "Grab something we can burn these in, a big pot or something."
Kim went to the cupboards, "Ah, there's a wok here will that do?"
Elise sighed "Umm... yes, sit it on the table. Alright, next some lighter fluid and matches."
Kim went for the drawers, "Say did you hear something in there?"
"What? No, oh wait, it must be our neighbour, I let him use the bathroom, come on, something must be done, and in the heat!" Kim grabbed the lighter fluid from a drawer and liberally squirted it over the books in the wok.
"Douse them! Douse them I want them gone from my sight!" Elise cried, "Say do you smell something?"
A wooden at the other side of the room, "Ah I think yer terlet might be broken there missy." Britz said, hitching up his pants, "Thanks anyway though."
"Oh thank you very much." Elise growled, "Hmmm..." Out of the corner of her eye she saw Kim select a huge wooden match and line up to strike it, everything seemed to slow down as Elise and Britz's face contorted in horror.
"Kimmie! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!" Elise hand all to slowly flew out to try and knock the pack from Kim's grasp but the match head travelled ever downwards and it sparked against the rough chemically treated surface.
Like a magnified flame lick of a gun a wall of fire busted out the apartment windows some four stories above the street and blazed in open space, shrapnel rained down on the mostly quiet streets.
The Devil's head jerked back, "Whoa, did you feel that?"
[No,] Ax replied annoyed, laying back on the couch. [Now hurry, before my husband comes back.] He wrapped a many fingered hand around the back of Satan's head and pushed it down again.
"Wow I've never met a girl like you before."
[I know.]
The Merciful End.. Or is it? (Seriously tell me, I lost track of this fic about the time I declared my endless love for Ax.)