Woeful Wizards Order of the Phoenix Episode One:
A/N: I just wanted to say that this is going to be a ridiculously long season. And I will try to get a new episode up every week. This episode is late but THE NEXT ONES WILL BE ON TIME. For those of you joining us, the (s) means swivel.
Feel free to comment/review!
Scene 1:
[Harry is lying in the dirt outside of the Dursley's house. He appears to not be moving. Just above him, there is a window in which Vernon and Petunia can be seen watching television.]
Television: And now, for the news! Record numbers of stranded holidaymakers fill airports as the Spanish baggage-handlers strike reaches its second week-
Harry: (still not moving) IT WAS VOLDEMORT!
Vernon: (mildly) Harry, would you like to join us in the living room?
Harry: NO. YOU MUGGLES WOULDN'T (s) UNDERSTAND.
Petunia: You're going to get your clothes dirty, sweetheart.
Harry: (stands up) FINE THEN. I'm going to go (s) on a walk.
[Harry storms off.]
Vernon: Oh look, an unexplained disappearance and a strange accident.
Petunia: Interesting…
[Silent music.]
Scene 2:
[Ron and Hermione are at Grimmauld Place, playing cards.]
Ron: Have you got a (s) seven?
Hermione: Do you think we should (s) tell Harry about everything that's going on?
[Silence]
Ron: No.
[They resume playing. Dramatic music.]
Scene 3:
[Harry is at a park, moodily swinging on a… swing. Dudley and his mates approach him.]
Dudley: Right, now that we've done all of our homework, what shall we do next?
Piers: Perhaps we should volunteer at a homeless shelter?
Gordon: Or maybe care for the elderly?
Dudley: (sees Harry) I'm going to walk home with my cousin. Good bye, pals!
[Dudley's friends wave and exit. Dudley approaches Harry.]
Dudley: Shall we walk together, Harry?
Harry: (s) You look like a pig.
Dudley: Okay.
[They start walking together.]
Dudley: Harry, have you been feeling well lately?
Harry: (testily) Why do you (s) ask?
Dudley: Well, you've been moaning in your sleep and calling out this name, Cedric, and I went into your room once and I thought I saw someone standing in there as well but I blinked and then he was gone. Harry, I think you have a stalk-
Harry: (puts finger to Dudley's lips) What was (s) that?
Voice: (very faintly) … and den I pout un fthis lace n satan geddit skirt dat had allof dis lyk pidnk becuas im nt lef other giulrz…
Harry: (looks horrified) No, not (s) here!
[Two goffs Dementors come out of nowhere.]
Dementor 1: oh hai der vampyrse
Dementor 2: whogse da prep
Dudley: (falls to ground and starts choking) I don't feel well.
Dementor 1: omgi hes totali in luv wif me
Harry: (s) Expecto- expecto-
Dementor 2: letes all gho 2 ho ttopiccc oomg my kemical romcwace
Harry: (screams) EXPECTO PATRONUM!
[A stag comes out of nowhere. The Dementors run away, screaming]
Dudley: (pale and sweating) Oh dear, I think I'm dying.
[Mrs Figg appears out of nowhere]
Mrs Figg: Let me help you with (s) that.
Harry: Wow, you're a (s) Squib.
[They start to drag Dudley back to his house. Dramatic music.]
Scene 4:
[Draco and the gang are hanging out at Malfoy Manor.]
Draco: This year's going to be (s) the best year ever!
Crabbe: So many (s) good things have happened already!
Goyle: We should tell Potter about them, (s) just to annoy him.
[Silence]
Draco: No.
[They resume hanging out. Dramatic music.]
Scene 5:
[Harry is in the living room of the Dursley's house. Dudley is on the couch, barely breathing. Vernon and Petunia are just standing around.]
Harry: There is (s) no time to explain!
Vernon: But we're not doing anything right now.
Harry: NO! YOU DON'T (s) UNDERSTAND! NO ONE UNDERSTANDS MY PAIN!
Petunia: Why is our son dying?
Harry: (s) NO TIME!
[An owl "flies" through the window.]
Harry: (s) For me? (He grabs the letter, rips it open and reads out:)
"Dear Mr Potter,
You are expelled from Hogwarts.
Sucks to be you,
Mafalda Hopkirk."
[Dramatic music.]
Harry: I, I don't understand. (s) Why? (s) WHY? (He falls to the ground and stares wistfully up to the ceiling) I MUST FLEE.
Petunia: Dudley's getting worse.
Vernon: Shall I call an ambulance.
[Harry leaps up and is about to run out of the room when an owl "flies" into him.]
Harry: Ow. I mean, (s) what is this? (He rips open the letter and reads: )
"Harry,
Don't storm off, Dumbledore's sorting everything out. Don't leave your house.
Arthur."
[Harry frowns at the letter. Dudley begins to shake and foam starts coming out of his mouth.]
Harry: (pauses) DON'T TELL ME WHAT TO DO, (s) LETTER!
[Harry rushes to the front door, when an abnormally large owl comes and "flies" into him. Harry collapses to the ground.]
Petunia: (picks up letter) I wonder what it says. (She reads aloud:)
"Dear Mr Potter,
You are not expelled from Hogwarts, but still have to come to a disciplinary hearing.
I'll get you next time,
Mafalda Hopkirk."
[Harry leaps up suddenly.]
Harry: (starts to sob) My life now has (s) meaning! Oh, and it was a Dementor that killed your son.
Dudley: I'm not dead.
Harry: Whatever.
Vernon: So, are you going to run away?
Harry: How could you (s) attempt to kick me out of the house?
Vernon: I'm not-
[Another owl "flies" in.]
Petunia: (takes the letter) Oh, it's addressed to me.
Harry: IT'S A HOWLER! (s) DUCK, AUNTIE!
[Harry tackles Petunia to the ground. The letter flies out of her hand and it lands on the floor and opens itself.]
Howler: Remember, swivel, my last, whispers, Petunia.
[The Howler disappears in a puff of smoke.]
Harry: (s) Dumbledore… (stares out into the distance)
Vernon: (looks from his wife lying on the floor to his dying son) Harry, I think you should go to your room.
Harry: (s) I HATE YOU ALL!
[Harry storms up stairs and slams the door to his bedroom. He then meekly opens it and goes inside his bedroom.]
Harry: I'm going to (s) write to all of my friends to get them to reply! (s) But how?
[Harry pauses, and scratches the top of his head for a moment. He then writes on three separate pieces of paper:
"Am trapped under a magical dragon and the only way I can escape is if you tell me what the hell is going on.
Harry."]
Harry: (kisses all three) Fly, fly my pretties!
[Harry chucks them out the window and stares out into the night sky. Dramatic music.]
END OF EPISODE ONE