My Way of the Ninjamonogatari

NarutoxBakemonogatari crossover

"No, that's wrong. I can't believe how pathetic you are. Really, you're setting a poor example for the children."

"We don't have children! We haven't even had sex! We're not even married!"

"Oh, my. I was talking about children in general. What a dirty mind you have. Really, sometimes I'm ashamed to call a bug like you my boyfriend. "Crony?" No, that implies a long-standing relationship that I value. Perhaps "servant?" No, I wouldn't pay money for the service you provide. What do they call an entity that follows you around, nipping at your heels, wagging its tail in a pitiful attempt to please its master?"

"...a dog?"

"My, you ARE good for something! And I was having such a hard time."

"That's wasn't hard! And don't consider me your dog!"

"Goodness, the dog does bark so. Is it disobeying its master?"

"I'm not a dog!"

"Tell me, Araragi-san, can a dog learn chemistry?"

"...no."

"Tell me, Araragi-san, can a dog tell me the stroke order of this kanji?"

"...no."

"Tell me, Araragi-san, can a dog make a home-cooked meal?

"...no."

"Tell me, Araragi-san, is a dog a beast?"

"...yes."

"Then I don't see much of a difference."

"There's a big difference! Anyways, Senjougahara-"

"Father, the dog is calling for you."

"I meant you, Hitagi-san!"

"My, what a beast, laying his filthy paws on me."

"Why are you doing this to me?!"

"Because I love you."

"THAT'S NOT LOVE! THAT'S BEING A BITCH!"

Both Araragi and Senjougahara looked around in confusion for the sudden intrusion into their conversation. They were not long to wait to find out what it was.

"OHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAAAAH!" came a shout as a bright orange construction worker came crashing through the wall into Senjougahara Hitagi's room.

"Who's the problem child?" Senjougahara asked with disdain.

"HO, I GOT NINETY-NINE PROBLEMS, BUT A BITCH AIN'T ONE!" the construction worker yelled as he slapped her into the kitchen.

"MAN, GET SOME BALLS. YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT. HOW 'BOUT THAT NADEKO OR SHINOBU. TAKE IT FROM ME, THOSE TWO ARE GOOD TO GO WHEN THE GOING GETS GOOD," Orange-kun advised Araragi.

"HOLY FUCK, YOU'RE RIGHT! WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING WITH MY LIFE, SITTING AROUND WITH SOME SADISTIC MANIAC WHO STAPLES ME TO POST-IT NOTES IN HER FREE TIME? I'M GOING TO GO GET ME A HAREM!"

Suddenly, Suruga Kanbaru kicks down the door.

"FUCK YEAH, YOU GUYS KNOW WHERE THE GOODS ARE AT!"

Then they had a massive three-way BROFIST, which was more awesome because it was a MONKEY-NINJA-VAMPIRE BROFIST. The TRIFORCE OF AWESOME was so strong that it created a tornado which SENT DOROTHY BACK TO OZ FOR GOOD.

"HELLS YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"HELLS YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"HELLS YEAH, MOTHERFUCKER!"

The resulting WAVE OF AWESOME was SO AWESOME that it knocked the house down and made all the women in a 500 meter radius wear french maid outfits. WITHOUT SHOES.

However, since it was a MONKEY PAW BROFIST, Araragi couldn't stand the awesome, and died from the impact. Naruto started to cry over his dead body, because that's what he does over dead bodies.

"MAN THE FUCK UP, ORANGENUTS!" Kanbaru shouted, and kicked him back into the NINJA DIMENSION. She then proceeded to steal Araragi's harem. THE END.