No Excuses, a d.gray-man fanfic

AN: Yes! My very first -Man fic is up! And it's a KandaLavi one-shot! Such a fangurl that I am. Also. Happy birthday, Kanda!

This is basically a short drabble with some emotional/physical relationship hintings. Yeah...even though I always name my fics after songs, seems it's my first fic that is close to a songfic (lyrics included). Hm. Must be the teenage years.

Summary: Who knew Kanda Yuu actually knows how to apologise? Definitely not Allen. And definitely no one expected Lavi to be the one who can get on Kanda's good side like that. But there are many more things between them that the others aren't supposed to know...

Warnings: Hinted LaviYuu / YuuLavi; light shonen-ai. Little innocent kiss, that's all. However, if you don't like the idea of a love relationship between two guys, I strongly advise you to stop reading right here.

Disclaimer: Lavi, Kanda and DGM with all its characters belong to Katsura Hoshino. Song "No Excuses", together with the few provided lines of lyrics, belong to Alice In Chains. By the way, that last line actually gave me the idea of this fic, since Lavi really likes defending and explaining Kanda's actions; mostly in fandom, but in the series likewise. Check out the song, it's pretty. x3

NO EXCUSES

Some things are hidden so well that they forever remain a secret; while others are hidden just a bit too well to stay unnoticed.

There are quite a few of such things in the Black Order, hidden behind its stone walls, in its deep dark hallways. Many people are involved with those mysteries. However, certain things are kept for certain persons, no matter what the odds are.

One of those people is Kanda Yuu. He has a lot of secrets, and doesn't share them with anyone. Or so it is said. The truth is, there is someone that he trusts with at least one secret. And what no one else knows as well is that it's mutual.

It's alright, there comes a time

Got no patience to search for peace of mind

Some people think that Kanda is psychotic. It simply isn't true; he just doesn't want random people gathering around him. Three friends and a mentor is more than enough for precious people. There's no need to waste time on anyone else. Of course, he never says that to them. But one of his friends still know that; the one who had become more than a friend for him through all the years of never-ending fights. The one that watches him, day and night, and doesn't let him to meditate in peace and still adores him. He is the one that keeps Kanda sane in the worst moments, and Kanda repays him the same way. You see, that friend of his also has a messed-up life. They brought hope to each other; maybe that's what tied them together.

As Lavi's sunshine is what Kanda's gloomy world longs for, Yuu's feverishness is what Lavi needs to keep his human feelings awake.

Allen and Lavi walk too close by Kanda's table, and of course, Lavi can't stop himself from making a remark how pretty Kanda looks today. The samurai snaps immediately, and soon a quarrel bursts out.

Allen tries to say something but gets ignored, and that makes him snap as well. The whole trio is standing and throwing mud at each other, until Kanda spits out something about Lavi being too stupid to be threatened, and then it all suddenly stops. Lavi gets quiet and looks to the side frowning slightly; Allen has never saw him like that before...well maybe a few times, when things were really, really bad.

It's unexpected.

Apparently, he went too far with the badmouthing, and Kanda apologises to Lavi in front of another person.

That is even more unexpected.

Allen widens eyes at the words that are never supposed to come out of Kanda's mouth, until he understands that the samurai is in fact addressing Lavi, not him.

Lavi doesn't even blink. He heard Yuu say that lots of times; but they are no less exceptionate because of that. After all, it's only him, Lavi, that receives them.

"It's alright, Yuu." His happy appearance is back, and they all soon part their ways. Allen walks off deep in thought, surprised by what he has just saw.

The truth is, Lavi actually hears Kanda apologizing quite often. In the evening, if he was too rude during their usual day's friendship-hatred routine. In the nighttime, if he's too rough or too cold when they're making love. In the morning, if he accidently wakes Lavi up or if he has to leave early. And very, very rarely, during the day, too. In a fight, if he behaves too carelessly with his life, trying to throw it around, what Lavi can't accept. In a quarrel, if he goes too far.

Kanda doesn't want Lavi to be mad at him, cause he's the only one who can put up with his flaming character. And, of course, because he loves him.

Layin' low, want to take it slow

No more hiding or disguising truths I've sold

Lavi doesn't really care if the others know about his and Yuu's relationship or not; but if Yuu's not ready yet, he can wait. One day he will announce it to the world, and he knows that day is nearing.

Kanda isn't particularly well-mannered; Lavi knows it. But he also knows that it doesn't necessarily mean that Kanda doesn't like you. They're already used to this; in the eyes of others, they will always be the constantly bickering best friends and nothing more. It's better this way.

Every day Lavi gets told off, and he doesn't mind it. It's all part of the act they're pulling. And it's alright if Kanda doesn't apologise. It means he's feeling alright. When he does, there's either something wrong, or he feels the need to say "I love you." Lavi cherishes those moments above everything.

Everyday it's something, hits me all so cold

Find me sittin' by myself, no excuses, then I know

Kanda's eyes are always cold and blank, empty of any meaning that anyone who dared to look at them could hope to find. If eyes are the window of a soul, then Kanda's window is always covered by thick black curtains that lets no ray of light in or out and doesn't even move when the wind blows. Anger, the only emotion he seems open about, just barely touches his narrowed eyes that glint the same way as they always do, completely unreadable. In these rare moments when Kanda's eyes react fully to it, people fall to his feet begging for their lives, since then they know he's completely serious. Kanda's sinister look is something everyone in the Order is used to, and even when it fades, his scowl stays on, even if his eyes remain only as two empty tunels again.

But when Kanda looks at Lavi, it's different from when he looks at others.

Then it seems that the black curtains were thwarted by the wind, and several rays of sunshine sneak into the dark cell. And in return, Kanda's eyes become alive, still sinister, but alive - surprised, worried, threatening, mocking, warm, glinting in a way it doesn't otherwise.

Lavi knows it's not all. When they're alone, the dark curtains disappear completely. Kanda really is one of those people whose mind you can read from their eyes - you just have to know how to do it, and Lavi does. He sees the real Yuu, an ill-tempered but honestly caring person. Kanda's eyes always tell Lavi more than his words.

And when Kanda looks up at him with his head lowered lightly, a hint of regret glinting in his dark eyes that now look like black velvet instead of gray stone, wearing otherwise blank expression with no trace of his usual scowl, Lavi knows just what it means.

"I know what you're trying to say, Yuu." Lavi smiles one of his rare real smiles and puts the disobedient strand of Kanda's hair behind his ear. "It's alright."

He watches as Kanda's eyes fill with relief, and he could almost swear he just saw a short hint of a smile curve those thin pale lips that are usually pressed together in a grumpy expression. In this case, it means Yuu's thanking him for understanding, and Lavi smiles wider.

"You're welcome, Yuu," he grins, receiving a disapproving glare from the raven-haired Exorcist. Kanda loves and hates Lavi's ability to read him at the same time. He hates it, because someone's able to get to see his weakness that he claims he doesn't have. But thanks to that, Lavi is the only one who really knows him. Sometimes he knows him too much. But it's so good to have someone who does, someone who can sense your true feelings, someone who waits for you to come back and will remember you when you don't. Someone who is precious to you, and someone that you are precious to.

Kanda would never say it, but he's happy he has that someone who lights his blank world on fire. And he misses it if Lavi stops pestering him - even if it's for a short while, only to see Kanda going around and looking for him as more time passes. An honour that no one else could get.

Lavi just grins wider as he notices Kanda's frown; even when he's mad at him, it's special, different. At this situation, it's the same as if Kanda would've said everything aloud, and of course he doesn't like that someone heard or sensed it. But at the same time, it feels strangely good.

Lavi quit trying to explain Kanda's behavior to others a while ago; they wouldn't understand that he actually isn't a cold-hearted bastard, like Allen thinks, nor an unshakeable hero, like he's seen by Lenalee, nor a jerk with a bad sense of humor as Krory considers. Then again, Lavi being the only one who gets along with it is what makes their relationship special, right? Kanda used to be a really sweet kid some time, and it doesn't matter what he pretends to be, he's still the same inside, and Lavi knows it, knows it's the same Yuu-chan that he knew once ago, even if he's the only one who gets to see it for real.

And even so, Lavi still finds himself saying "You don't know him at all, do you?" to Allen and Krory, while Lenalee, just like him, has seen how Kanda was when they first met and still doesn't really see him as something as low as a human being. No matter if it works or not, Lavi will always defend his precious Yuu.

"Yuu?" the redhead says playfully, pointing a finger as if he'd forget something. Kanda looks at him, the way that only he gets looked at. "Hm?" Lavi pounces and puts a finger on his lips. "No excuses can get you out of this, Yuu." Then he kisses him. Hard. Kanda's surprised; even if it's nothing new to him, Lavi still manages to get around his guard sometimes. The kiss is soft, then gets deeper, and they hold each other close, knowing that in this time of war, such moments are equal to a miracle and might not repeat. But they're bound together, whatever the outcome might be. The kiss breaks, but neither of them says anything. They already know it.

Kanda taught Lavi that actions might tell more than words.

One of those days, Lavi would get chased around with Mugen for this; on another, he'd get pinned to the wall and kissed back passionately, on yet another - maybe something more. But he loves Kanda's moodiness, even when it endangers his health; as it's one of those things he never gets bored of. It's just how his precious Yuu-chan is. And it doesn't matter what the others might say; Lavi knows the truth.

You, my friend, I will defend

And if we change, well - I love you anyway

THE END