-I do not Own Harold and Kumar ( I am killing the plot line to fit my needs. I will try to make it as funny, no promises)

You all know that Harold has a girlfriend he got quickly and by utter chance; but what about Kumar? He never said he had a girlfriend but he also never said he didn't. Sure he'll bang other chicks but she's cool with that, she bangs other guys. Once he came to her apartment to hang out and found her having sex on the couch with some guy, they actually had a conversation about how crappy the weather was and how he would come back later. The guys she was so blatantly fucking left after that, being utterly creeped out. She gave him a black eye and left for a bar and a joint with Kumar. I guess they were more over friends with benefits than in a real relationship. She was a short haired dyed blonde with green eyes and a full figure. She was an artist and a writer, that's how she got by, she sold her art work and had a few books published. She wanted to go through a school for the arts. Oh I almost forgot to tell you, she's under aged. Her parents kicked her out at 15 after getting knocked up; she got an abortion which only added insult to the parents because they were strict Catholics. She's been living on her own since. She met Kumar at a party and after a long session of out-of-this-world, hallucinogenic, drug induced sex; decided to be friends. She did portraits in City Park for extra money on the days she wasn't in class at her high school. Kumar liked to visit her when he wasn't off getting high or doing homework.

"Oi Rochelle!"

He said as she was sketching on a pad of paper with a Copic marker and glancing up every few seconds at the woman she was drawing. She slid her green eyes his way and smiled at him.

"Oh hey Kumar, wazzup?"

She asked going back to the sketch; the woman was getting impatient with her. Kumar came over and slid his arm around her neck in a light hug, kissing her forehead.

"Hey, Roach. Not much."

He had started calling her roach for short because in a high haze Rochelle was just something not worth pronouncing all the way through. She woman gave a high pitched 'ahem' to gain Rochelle's attention. She immediately went back to filling in a few well placed lines.

"I'm almost done here, I'll hang after K? Won't be more than a minute."

She said looking over the sketch of the woman, how exquisitely she had placed the curls on her face, the slope of her cheeks and the poise of her figure. She presented the portrait to her and the woman handed her $5 after praising her for her work. Kumar watched over her shoulder as she was drawing and had noticed how her hand merely had to fly across the paper and a drawing came out of it. He tried that and only got a bunch of lines.

"Ready."

She said, Sketch pad in one hand, box of art supplies in the other. Her appearance was sloppy, a peasants blouse draped over one shoulder while it completely fell off the other, and her pants were a size too big for her, combat boots made her feet seem a size bigger than they were and she honestly looked like a cartoon character.

"Man I got so blitzed at a party last night!"

She said pointing to the bags underneath her eyes.

"Yeah!? I spent the night eating pork rinds and watching T.V. like every other un-married man in America."

She shrugged and laughed loudly, taking a thin white thing wrapped in tissue paper. It was a joint. She pressed it between her lips and lit it, in hailing deeply.

"Hey, share!"

He said grabbing the joint from her lips and taking a hit on it himself. She grabbed at it but him being taller and stronger, holding it out of her reach.

"I hate you."

"Yeah? Too bad, Roach."

He said taking another hit, she hit him in the arm and his other arm dropped to nurse the wound, she then grabbed the joint and killed it.

"Ha!"

"Ah! Evil Bitch!"

He said rubbing his arm.

"That hurt."

"Duh. It's supposed to. That's kinda the grand scheme."

She said draping one of her arms around him, He liked her, she wasn't complicated. She knew what she wanted, she knew how she wanted it, and it was as simple as that. She was the coolest High schooler he had ever met. She ran her fingers through his longish hair and a sneering voice crept up behind them.

"Uh Oh! Does the catcher know you're cheating on him!?"

A tattooed prick with a posse of posers came up behind them. Rochelle just rolled her eyes, Kumar sighed and muttered something about shit heads.

"What was that gay-wad!?"

The guys asked cutting in front of them, poking Kumar in the chest.

"Hey I don't want to have to deal with your shit today; I just wanna hang with my girlfriend."

"Girlfriend? Aw has he been telling you he's straight? Well, I know I am, So come here and get some real lovin' sugar."

He said grabbing her arm, she glowered, grabbed his wrist and flipped him on his back; His posse watching in wide eyed horror.

"Touch me again and I'll knock your 'nads to China!"

She said kicking him in the stomach; Kumar was too busy laughing to say anything. She moved one of his friends aside with one finger pulling Kumar with her.

"Man he got beat! Where'd you learn that?"

"One of my friends taught me self defense after my parents booted me."

She said with a satisfied smile, holding his hand tight, interlacing her fingers.

"My roomies throwing a bash up street. Wanna catch it? Bound to be some good green there."

She said, chewing one of her fingernails. She had chewed most of them down to nubs already, it was nervous habit. The girl had Acid Reflux, SIM's (Stress induced migraines), and ADD; she was a medical nightmare. She took horse choker pill with two others that looked like they were meant to poison extremely small insects. When she took too many or too much too soon she would go into a state that gave her the godly name of the 'almighty shit faced one.' Honestly she could peddle those things in cocktails and make a fortune.

"Hell yeah! I'll try to drag Harold along."

"Dude, the guys got a 10 foot stick up his ass. He is so tight that if you made him swallow coal, he'd shit diamonds."

"Nah, nah…he'd only shit bricks."

They both laughed, Kumar knew Harold was actually a pretty fuckin' funny guy. But Rochelle had only met uptight 'Diamonds-out-the-ass' Harold. The party would be enough to help it.

"So whadya wanna do, coffee? Chess? Getting baked and hockin' loogies off the over pass?"

She said ever so causally referring to one of her favorite past times.

"1) It's 5 in the afternoon, we don't need coffee. B) I can't play chess for shit. 3) I'm willing to bet that was your last joint and we have no even chance on actually getting baked until tonight. But I can Hock Loogies!"

"You said 1,B,3. You know that right?"

"What?"

"Neeeeveermind. Lets go cause some car crashes."

She said pointing to a near by over pass. They clambered up over it, it started out with friendly fire until it started to turn into a contest. It started when Roach did a perfect and dramatic snort and hocked phlegm into a top-down corvette. Kumar cocked an eyebrow and made an even bigger snort, hocking his into the face of some poor person. They clapped hands and knocked fists, they were acting like middle schoolers…with bad attitude and weed. But that was half the fun, being immature. It wasn't until Roach pulled out a bottle of red acrylic paint from her art box that Kumar had doubts about this game.

"Dude, you get arrested-"He paused to laugh "- I am not bailing you out!"

"Who says I'll get caught!"

She said opening the bottle and squirting some onto a trucker's windshield. The truck skidded and several cars banged bumpers. Kumar and Roach looked at each other, grabbed their shit and ran like fucking hell. Not fearing the Cops so much as the trucker himself who had gotten out of the car and seen their faces.

"Shitshitshit!!!"

Roach said while running, Kumar didn't have breath to curse, just run. After they were a good half a mile away from the scene they stopped to breathe. Roach fell to the ground and laid on her back while Kumar doubled over huffing and puffing like he was having an asthma attack.

"You-puff-are-puff-fuck-puff-ing-insane!"

"So-pant-are-pant-you."

Roach started laughing at it, the rush was great and it was just fucking priceless to see the truckers face. Kumar started to laugh too, if they got caught with half the shit they did, they would be under death penalty. And no body knew how to cause trouble like Roach, she was the real life Bart Simpson…with weed. She grafittied half of Jersey and he was pretty sure she once killed guy on accident for touching her. He was always careful about her personal space, she once cold cocked him for putting his arm around her at the movies without asking first or without her making any sign that she wanted his arm there at all. But mostly she liked being touched, she once waited in his apartment bedroom the day he was testing and when he got home, stressed out and in need of a few good manly delights; she ambushed, and pounced on him, butt naked. All she had to say was 'Merow' and kiss him for all his tension to be gone. How he loved having her around, she lived on the streets most of the time, using her school showers to keep clean; staying at a friends house on rainy nights or sometimes at Kumar's. Though because Kumar's room was so messy she often woke up under a pile of junk she didn't even know how she got under in the first place. Kumar thought it was funny that when he woke up and looked around to find no one then asks her name only to watch her rise from the pile of junk like a zombie of suburbia with a hangover. He tried to have her stay at his place as often as he could, he didn't like to see her live on the streets. But Harold finds it sexually frustrating to walk into the kitchen to see a wet fresh-out-of-the-shower girl wearing Kumar's bathrobe and eating his cereal. Harold thought she might be diseased and that she and Kumar simply made too much noise at night. Not just Sex but they liked to turn up 50 cent and sometimes sing along if they were high enough. The girl could rap better than most white girls but through a high haze of slur, suddenly Candy Shop turned into Frosty the Snowman.

"I gotta go scrounge a friends closet for clothes for the party. See ya there. Remember uptown, back room, tell the bouncer that you're Roaches Bitch. He'll let you through."

"Roaches Bitch?"

"Yep. Nothing else will work."

She said firmly, of course 'I'm here for the uptown bash' would work but hey Kumar didn't know that.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXFeeling nonsensical!