Keep Living

Had this idea floating around in me head for awhile, and decided to write it earlier while having a break from homework :) This is my first published Orphan Black fanfic, though I have another much longer one that is in progress called 'Lost In Your Lies' that will be uploaded when it is finished~

Enjoy~

The house was dark, the only light coming from a blueish glow in the living room. Silently, a tall blonde woman made her way towards the glow, suppressing a sigh as her eyes fell on the sight of the shorter woman curled up on the sofa, wrapped in blankets as she clutched a small pillow close to her chest, eyes intently focused on the TV before her.

The TV showed the familiar face of Jennifer Fitzsimmons, and Delphine almost regretted showing Cosima these video diaries. The clone was becoming obsessed with watching them during every free minute of her time, and it was honestly worrying the doctor now. A quick glance at the clock below the TV told Delphine that it was exactly 3:30 in the morning.

Before she could say anything, Cosima glanced over towards her and stared blankly for a moment before turning her gaze back to the TV, not saying a word. Delphine debated asking Cosima what was wrong, but thought better of it and simply made her way over to the sofa to sit down, not touching the dreadlocked clone. Cosima continued to stare in silence, not acknowledging her Monitor's presence.

Delphine bit her lip, but refrained from speaking, allowing her girlfriend the space to speak in her own time. These past few weeks had been especially hard on them both, with long sleepless nights and days full of painful experimental treatments that never seemed to ease the slowly growing suffering of the fatal respiratory illness.

It was getting harder and harder for Cosima to work, and the doctor knew that the strain was finally starting to affect the normally cheerful clone. Cosima had started becoming more distant and snappy, and more intent on finding a cure even as she struggled to breathe. So far she'd refused the oxygen tanks, but Delphine knew it'd only be a matter of time until she'd need them, whither she liked it or not.

Sitting in silence, Delphine watched the screen as Jennifer and her Monitor were sharing a tender and intimate kiss, him holding her hand gently as she tried to breathe in at a normal rate, coughing up greenish-yellow pus a moment later as her lungs failed her.

"He reminds me of you." Cosima spoke quietly for the first time, her eyes never leaving the screen as she hugged the pillow closer.

"Mon amour…" Delphine said quietly, not knowing what to say to that. She knew that Cosima was still very much annoyed by the fact that Jennifer never knew the truth behind her illness, herself, or her Monitor.

"It was all a lie though wasn't it?" Cosima continued, as if Delphine hadn't spoken at all, "He didn't really care about her at all. He was just there because he was told to be there, wasn't he?" she continued, her voice slightly strained, though she finally averted her eyes from the TV to stare at the taller woman.

Even in the shadows, Delphine could see that Cosima's eyes were dark and accusing, as if she wasn't really talking about Jennifer's Monitor at all.

Delphine sighed and considered her answer carefully, knowing that this was dangerous territory. She'd hurt the clone more than once in the past, and she knew that Cosima still questioned if their relationship was genuine even as the doctor tried to prove time and time again that she truly did care about her.

"….It wasn't a lie, Cosima." she said quietly, "Greg truly loved Jennifer."

Cosima made a sound of discontent in the back of her throat, but said nothing and looked back to the screen as the couple in question continued to cuddle and hold eachother close, even in Jennifer's bald and broken state. Cosima felt like she was looking at herself and her own Monitor in the not-so-distant future.

The thought left her feeling cold and numb, and she looked over to the blonde in silence, searching for some type of proof that she wasn't being lied to again. She didn't think she could handle another betrayal at the hands of the tall Frenchwoman.

Delphine watched Cosima, meeting her eyes evenly as she let the clone work through her thoughts. Delphine knew that Cosima's life motto was 'show, don't tell', and so she knew that only time and effort could possibly show the dreadlocked clone that her feelings were genuine.

"Where is he now that she's… gone?" Cosima asked quietly, "Off spying on another one of my sisters?"

Delphine was silent for several minutes, staring at the tv before she shook her head with a soft sigh, "Non."

Cosima picked up on the tone of her voice and raised an eyebrow, waiting for the blonde to offer some sort of additional information.

Delphine looked over at Cosima, meeting her eyes evenly, "He… truly did love Jennifer. It wasn't possible to fake a feeling so strong… and he could not cope with the loss of that bond," she said quietly, watching as the clone's eyes widened slightly, "He committed suicide a week after her death."

Cosima blinked slowly, taking in this new piece of information as she looked back to the smiling but pained man on the screen, as if she was seeing him in a new light. He really loved her? Enough that he couldn't bear to live on without her?

That thought then led to another question; if Greg's actions and looks and emotions reminded her so much of Delphine, what would that mean for the doctor when Cosima inevitably succumbed to the disease? Cosima was realistic about her condition, and didn't feel overly optimistic that they'd find a cure before it was too late for her. Even as Delphine continued to stubbornly insist that they would save her, the ineffective treatments said otherwise.

Cosima glanced over at the blonde, whom had again fallen silent to allow the clone to work through her thoughts. Delphine watched as Cosima's expressions shifted from surprise to thoughtfulness to a vague alarm. The clone's eyes were wide and her mouth open slightly, as if she wanted to ask something but her thoughts refused to vocalize.

"Whatever you are wondering, you may ask, cherie." the doctor urged gently, having a fair guess what was on the shorter woman's mind.

Cosima was quiet for a minute, then shrugged and decided to just say it, "I was just thinking… what are you gonna do when I… y'know." she said, biting her lip quickly as she spoke the last part of her question, finding that she couldn't bring herself to say the D word out loud. She didn't want to die, and the reality that she would in just a few months, if not sooner, honestly terrified her.

Delphine sighed and shrugged, "I prefer not to think of this. We can still find a cure, and I will believe that until time is no more. I do not know what I will do if we cannot fight this. I much prefer to imagine a future of many more years of making crazy science with you, mom amour." she said, trying and failing to sound optimistic as she looked at Cosima, whom was still wrapped up in blankets and clutching the pillow to her chest as if it were a lifeline.

After a moment, Cosima gently set the pillow aside and shifted over to lie fully against Delphine, sighing in content and allowing her eyes to drift shut as the blonde's arms enveloped her.

As much as she knew she probably couldn't fully trust the doctor, she needed this. This warmth, this emotion, this sense of love and life in a reality where her biology had turned against her, making her slowly drown in her own blood. Even if this love couldn't be completely trusted, it was the only thing left that made her feel whole.

Delphine hugged Cosima gently and lightly rested her cheek against that top of the clone's head, content just to be allowed to be near her after so many chances lost from past actions.

"Keep living." Cosima murmured quietly after a few moments of stolen peace and contentment, "Even if I don't… I want you to keep living and keep making crazy science…"

"Je t'aime." Delphine said quietly, the only appropriate response she could think of as she held back the tears that threatened to fall every time Cosima's possible death was brought up.

Truthfully, she didn't know if she could continue on without the brilliantly eccentric girl by her side, though she didn't say it out loud. She needed to keep believing in the possibility of having a lifesaving breakthrough, even as the days looked grim.

"Love you too, puppy." Cosima said, smiling slightly as she relaxed fully against the doctor, giving into the exhaustion that had become her normal state of being. Delphine waited until she could hear the clone's light snores before she allowed her tears to fall silently.

"I will save you…" she promised quietly, before turning off the TV and allowing herself to rest for a short time while still holding Cosima close, feeling a renewed resolve to do whatever it took to spare them both from sharing the fates of Jennifer and Greg.

-END-

Reviews are love~