Kurt burst through the door and uncharacteristically kicked off his shoes leaving them in the middle of the hallway instead of their usual neat and orderly spot in the closet. He paused on the way to his bedroom to read the note on the refrigerator; Carole and I out to dinner and a movie, see you later! Love Dad. Finn was spending the night at Puckerman's house so Kurt breathed a sigh of relief knowing he was alone and could have some privacy as he walked up the stairs and into his bedroom. Deep down however he was wishing someone else was home to distract him and take him out of his own mind. Sitting down at his desk Kurt turned on his computer and thought back to the events of today. Now that Karofosky had transferred after the prom incident, McKinley had once again become a hellhole. Although at first Karofosky had made his life a living hell, knowing that Karofsky was gay and didn't hate Kurt for being gay just for being out about it made it all slightly more bearable. But now the bullying was nothing more than utter hatred. As he was leaving the bathroom after glee club Azimio and his friends had cornered him. Azimio had slammed him into the locker and threw him to the ground. The other boys proceeded to kick him in the side while shouting insults. "Fag" "Queen" "Where's your boyfriend now jerk?!" After they each got in there for number of kicks they threw him in the dumpster and left laughing all the way. When Kurt was sure they had gone he climbed out wincing as his sides and stomach, which he was sure was now covered in bruises, rubbed against the edge of the dumpster. He walked to his car and drove home, not a tear fell from his eyes as he went. Kurt had once again reached the point beyond tears. He snapped out of his flashback with a shudder and opened up tumblr on his computer. It was a blessing and a curse. He scrolled through his dash hoping the pictures and quotes from Harry Potter would calm him but once again he was beyond that point. His eyes drifted to the right as he succumbed to himself and searched the self harm tag. The screen filled with images of sliced wrists and blood, blood. "Damn it" Kurt said to himself as he shut his computer and went to get his blades. He couldn't take it anymore, it was just too triggering. And after the day he had he needed control he needed to feel better and as sick as it was, he needed to drag a blade across his skin and watch as blood filled in the cut to feel better. After releasing the blade he kept taped to the top of the inside of his drawer he paused. He had come so far. It had been such a long time since he last cut. Ever since he met Blaine his cutting had been minimal. Blaine. The one person Kurt wanted to tell about his problem, because even he had to admit it was becoming a problem. The one person who could help him. And the one person who could not find out. What would Blaine think of him? Would Blaine hate him? Leave him? Probably. And then where would that leave Kurt? Alone, utterly alone. Sure he had glee club but they didn't really understand. They tried, of course, but they would never get it. Without Blaine Kurt knew he wouldn't even be able to get through the day. And that's why Blaine could never know. To Kurt getting help wasn't worth the risk of losing Blaine so he kept it to himself. Kurt then slowly brought the blade to rest lightly on his arm, breathing heavily with anticipation, with a release of adrenealine and a craving to see blood. He slowly dragged the blade across his skin. It was the first time he cut on his arm, usually he only placed the weapon upon his hips and thighs. He was careful to avoid any arteries or veins, Kurt was in pain but not suicidal. He watched in twisted amazement as the blood filled the scratch leaving a perfect red line across his porcelain skin. And then he brought down the blade for a second cut.
Blaine pulled into Kurt's driveway with a smile on his face, bubbling with the anticipation of surprising his boyfriend. He knocked lightly on the door but no one answered, he had checked with Finn to make sure only Kurt would be home so he figured Kurt was just upstairs and unable to hear him so he let himself into the house. He paused when he saw Kurt's shoes in the middle of the hallway, so unusual for him, and put them in the closet. Blaine removed his own shoes and made his way upstairs and into his boyfriend's bedroom.
Kurt looked up as Blaine entered the room.
"Blaine!" He exclaimed in surprise; terror and relief washed over him. He was terrified at what Blaine would think but so relieved that he finally knew.
Blaine stared at his boyfriend, blade in hand, blood filled lines across his arm, and his heart broke. How could he not have known? How could he have let this happen? He was angry with himself but just wanted to be there for Kurt right now.
"Please don't hate me." Kurt said meekly as he dropped the blade to the floor and began to back away in fear.
"I could never hate you baby." Blaine responded softly as he made his way to embrace Kurt. Kurt fell into his arms and began to sob, all his feelings pent up for months came spilling onto his boyfriends shirt. Blaine lowered them both onto the floor, his own back leaning against the wall and Kurt buried deep into his neck. As Kurt's tears began to soak through Blaine's shirt a few of Blaine's tears fell onto Kurt's head. Blaine kissed Kurt's head and buried his face in his hair breathing in the smell that was truly Kurt while keeping his arms wrapped tightly around Kurt as he tried to regain his thoughts. And then Blaine began to sing.
"You've gotta swim, swim for your life, swim for the music that saves you when you're not so sure you'll survive. You gotta swim, and swim when it hurts. The whole world is watching, you haven't come this far to fall off the earth. The currents will pull us away from our love, just keep your head above. I found a tidal wave begging to tear down the dawn, memories like bullets they fired at me from a gun, a crack in the armor yeah, I swim for brighter days despite the absence of sun, choking on salt water, I'm not giving in, I swim."
Kurt began to cry harder when he first hear the lyrics but when Blaine had finished he had begun to relax. The song was from Kurt and Blaine's secret favorite band, Jack's Mannequin. The lyrics, to this song especially, spoke to them so much but they kept it to themselves. Neither boy had ever shared it with their respective glee clubs, it was just for them.
Blaine gently picked up Kurt's injured arm and very carefully kissed each cut.
"Was this the first time?" Blaine asked, but he already thought he knew the answer.
"No." Kurt responded
"Where else?" Blaine asked again.
Kurt gestured to his hips. Blaine lowered his hand to Kurt's pants asking if he could see. Kurt nodded and Blaine undid the button and pulled down the edge of Kurt's jeans and boxers to reveal numerous scars. Kurt looked closely at Blaine's face expecting to see horror but instead saw pain. Blaine kissed each scar on Kurt's hips and then eased his pants back up.
"We both know that this needs to stop, it's not your fault, don't be so hard on yourself. It won't be easy but you'll get through it, we'll get through it, together. So any time you feel like doing this again I want you to call me or text me and I'll help you. I promise. I love you Kurt and I don't want anything to happen to you and I don't want you to feel like this. Ok?" Blaine said.
Kurt nodded. Blaine pressed another kiss to the top of his head and lifted Kurt onto the bed. He went to Kurt's bathroom and wet a washcloth. He brought it back to Kurt and gently dabbed the warm cloth on Kurt's cuts washing away the blood. Blaine then threw the washcloth away to avoid anyone else seeing the blood stained cloth. He went to Kurt's stack of DVD's and pulled out Lady and the Tramp, he showed it to Kurt with a devious smile, he was a sucker for Disney cartoons. Blaine was trying not to make things awkward and Kurt was glad that Blaine wasn't treating him differently. He already felt a little better knowing Blaine knew and was going to help him, not leave him. He knew he had a long road ahead of him but he would "swim" through it with Blaine at his side. He rolled his eyes at Blaine's childish ways, which Blaine took as a yes. He popped the movie into the DVD player and retreated to the bed with Kurt. He sat with his back against the headboard and pulled Kurt onto him once more. Kurt rested his back on Blaine's chest, Blaine's arms wrapped around him, and their legs entwined.
"It wasn't your fault Blaine." Kurt said softly, knowing what Blaine had been thinking when he walked in on Kurt with a blade in his hand.
Blaine bowed his head in shame, avoiding Kurt's glance, Kurt knew him so well.
"Thank you for coming when you did, and for not leaving, and for helping me through this." Kurt said
"I love you." Blaine said, the hazel eyes meeting the blue-green.
"I love you too." Kurt replied. They kissed slowly and gently.
"Now be quiet the movie is starting!" Blaine said with a smile. Kurt rolled his eyes and giggled at his boyfriend's silliness. When the credits rolled later on both boys were already asleep, Kurt encased in Blaine's warm hold, both so much closer, and ready to get through what was to come. Together.