Summary: Meditation was a means of controlling her emotions, of keeping her powers in check…and also her relationships. Or so she thinks. One shot.
Disclaimer: Toboe LoneWolf doesn't own Teen Titans. Or two little birds. XD
A little introspective fic. Has implied pairings and relationships…make of them what you will. This is actually the first TT fanfic I wrote (with a few edits); looking back a few months later I shrugged and went "eh, post it up anyways, even if it's half-terrible." So here it is, my first foray into the fun world of TT fanfiction. Hope it's decent enough for y'all. XP
Meditation
Azarath Metrion Zinthos… Azarath Metrion Zinthos…
The words meant nothing. It was the cadence, the rhythm, and the meaning Raven put into the mantra that gave it power. By repetition she carved a worn path in her mind for her powers to travel. By repetition she could control herself, controlling both body and mind. By repetition she could force her rebellious powers into submission.
Most thought that mediation was used to purge herself of all emotion. After all, as Raven said herself, "my emotions can be dangerous." Thus they saw a void of emotion, supreme self-control…except at the times she snapped, and then Bad Things happened.
But that wasn't…quite…true. Her emotions were tied to her powers, and thus they also fueled her powers.
A paradox.
Over-expression of emotion, and things went haywire. Complete suppression of emotion, and she could do nothing. She walked the fine line of keeping her emotions between Power and Destruction.
On Azarath, she was taught to kill all emotion. It would be anger, fear, even hate that would bring Trigon to the mortal plane, and thus the people of Azarath believed it was best that she had no emotions at all. If Raven would not be destroyed, then they would destroy the emotions that would bring Trigon.
From birth Raven was bound by blood and magic. The monks of Azarath sealed as much of Trigon's dark influence as deeply as possible, locking it down with the chakra stone implanted on Raven's forehead. And even before Raven could speak, she was trained in the removal of all emotions.
But Arella and Raven's mentor, Azar, did not quite agree. They believed that perhaps Raven would be able to do some good with the demon heritage that Trigon gave her, and taught her to use those emotions. To hone and train her emotions just enough to fuel Raven's dark magic. Over and over though, they cautioned Raven to control her feelings. If unleashed…well, the consequences were drilled into Raven's mind.
So Raven struggled to contain her emotions to an appropriate level. To neither squash nor release emotion. A hard thing, for one born an Empath – one who feels the emotions of others.
Azarath Metrion Zinthos… Azarath Metrion Zinthos…
Taught two conflicting viewpoints, Raven found a compromise – to suppress her own emotions, and use other's emotions instead. She disconnected herself from her own emotions, and used memories or the feelings of others around her to stimulate her own, just enough to fuel her powers before locking them down again. Of course, sometimes her own emotions would take over, but overall Raven found her compromise to work rather well.
Because of this, Raven found herself…"needing" the company of others, if only to stimulate her own powers. She told herself that this was all it was, this "Teen Titans" thing; merely a means to an end. Of course, relationships never go that way. The supposed "contract" Raven made with the Teen Titans changed into relationship, then to friendship. And from friendship, came even more powerful and dangerous emotions that fueled Raven's powers.
The most obvious one, of course, was Beast Boy, Annoyance Central. It was never hard to call up the emotion Annoyance from Beast Boy, and Raven found it was a quick source of "power." Annoyance irked Raven's personality, and from that emotion Raven used it to fuel her own power. Of course, this obviously backfired a great deal, since it was hard to control someone like Beast Boy.
Annoyance though, turned into…Caring, perhaps? Raven wasn't sure of the feeling, only that at times she felt compelled to help Beast Boy one way or another. The goofball.
From Starfire, Raven could almost feel Joy. Not surprising, ever since they switched bodies. That girl was the complete opposite of Raven, right down to the over exuberance of, well, Joy. Compassion, too. It wasn't hard, since Starfire could and would accept anyone and anything. Though the feelings were almost alien to Raven, they allowed Raven to fuel her protective magics and shields, and boosted her empathic abilities.
As for Cyborg…Raven had always wanted an older brother, having been an only child. Through Cyborg Raven could feel Protective, or just…good. Normalcy, that was Cyborg…"unnatural" as he was. As they all were. From him, Raven felt comradeship, the simple pleasure of enjoying the basic things of life. Well, Cyborg didn't like simple things per se, what with the T-car and cybernetics, but well…the Waffles became a staple in life.
And Robin. From Robin, Raven could feel…well, Raven wasn't quite sure what it was. A complex series of emotions that Raven couldn't quite name. He locked down his own emotions almost as tightly as Raven. He was her leader and yes, her friend, and he stirred up strange feelings within Raven. Loyalty and Protectiveness, Duty and Obsession, and sometimes an overwhelming feeling of Gratefulness…though these were so close to Raven that she wasn't sure if they came from Robin or from herself.
Azarath Metrion Zinthos… Azarath Metrion Zinthos…
Chanting softly she repeated the words, sorting through her mind, calming Timid and quieting Happiness, dealing with her own emotions currently in the forefront of her mind. The others were hidden away, only to come out as Raven summoned them, linked to Raven by the link to her friends.
Meditate. Discipline. Calm. Remove all that was unnecessary.
Azarath Metrion Zinthos… Azarath Metrion Zinthos…
…But were They unnecessary?
…No.
They showed her friendship and Joy. They brought her back to life. They were the means of how she protected the ones she cared for.
She did not know the feeling of "Love." She would rather not know. Yes, she had heard of "the power of Love." That "Love conquers all." She'd read enough books to understand that much. But Love was too powerful an emotion, too alien to Raven, that it was best if Raven did not touch that strange, wondrous feeling that so many had the luxury of feeling.
A curse and a blessing. To protect the ones she cared about, she had to remove herself.
Forever having to keep her friends at arms length, lest her emotions grow too powerful to control.
At arms length, she could touch and not be overpowered. At arms length, she could sense the emotions she fought to control. At arms length, she could at least touch the forbidden fruit.
She could not afford to become close. She had to keep her friends at arms length.
Because if they came too close, her emotions would not be held back. Beast Boy and Starfire, Cyborg and Robin, she had to keep her distance. She did not dare let them come closer. Walls, barriers and inner sanctums, Raven had to keep the core protected.
Perhaps one day, she would be able to let the barriers down. Perhaps one day she would know the feeling "Love" enough to let him in. The one who would be willing to wait forever.
Azarath Metrion Zinthos… Azarath Metrion Zinthos…
So Raven meditated, binding her feelings to her will. Locking down the strange emotions that he stirred up, that she would not acknowledge and name.
Azarath Metrion Zinthos… Azarath Metrion Zinthos…
Curse and blessing, denial and love, Raven could not afford to feel any stronger.
Azarath. Metrion. Zinthos!