Hello~~ :D
I hope you've all been doing well in the past few months~~ (^_^)/ Pleased to finally see you all once again~
*dodges the barrage of rotten fruit* Yes, I realise I haven't updated anything in a while, and for that I am very sorry! (-/\-) Amongst several reasons, the biggest one is just that I have been extremely busy orz However~~ for those of you who read my other fic, For Nevermore, don't worry!! It is not being abandoned at all!! I'm currently working on it now, so please throw nicer things than rotten fruit if you must throw something haha~ Thank you to everyone for your patience~! More information at the bottom of the page.
Anyway, this is just a one-shot that has been plaguing me for most of this year, until finally it just whacked me over the head and demanded that I write it. Needless to say, who was I to argue? :D I hope you enjoy it~~ Thanks go to my wonderful beta, Nanaga, as always :)
Disclaimer: I do not own, and likely will not ever own, Kuroshitsuji or anything relating to it: that happiness belongs to Toboso-sensei, to whom I am grateful for giving us such an awesome manga in the first place ^_^
Warnings: Spoilers for episode 19 and 20 of the first season of the anime. If you haven't seen these episodes, then please be careful reading this fic. Character death (though anime cannon). No idea what to rate it xD;;
Take what you want, and pay for it.
- Robert Jordan's The Wheel of Time
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This is what it means to be Ciel Phantomhive:
To the world, you are the Earl of Phantomhive, head of the Funtom Company and the Queen's Watchdog. You traverse through the underworld society and deal with those who dwell there; you protect the Queen – and thus the country – from certain threats. It is a duty that has earned you the Queen's favour, the hatred of Scotland Yard (can you help it if they are so incompetent that they fail to accomplish anything before you?) and the veneer-thin respect of other nobles.
It is also a duty that stains your hands and soul black.
Even so, you accept your place in the world. It gives you purpose. It gives you an excuse. An excuse to keep on living, to give you time to find those who humiliated and betrayed your family on that day; an excuse to fill up the hours that would otherwise be bursting with fears and doubts and what-ifs and if-onlys.
What was lost can never be regained.
So you will do your duty to the Queen. As a member of the Phantomhive family, you will uphold their memory by serving as her loyal guard dog and carry out the orders that she sends to you. You will be loyal until the day comes when you have accomplished your reason for stubbornly surviving; you will hunt as directed until the day comes when there is no longer a need to carry on with your pathetic attempt at 'life' – until the day comes when you fulfil a fate that you sealed in blood long ago.
Until then, the sight of the pure white envelopes with the red wax seal are just another stop on the path you have chosen to walk.
You lost the ability to smile a long time ago. That day was only two years or so ago (like you don't remember exactly how long it has been since then) but it feels like an eternity; your childhood feels like a distant memory as fragile and ephemeral as a morning mist and only half as real. You are a boy who has grown up too fast, his illusions shattered by the cruelty of the world around you. But you lost more than that: your innocence, your childish naivety that nothing could hurt you and that people are kind.
You lost your soul.
Figuratively, of course – your soul still resides in your body. For the moment. However, you know that one day, consequence will come to collect in the form of a black-clad demon with eyes of crimson flame: the same demon that now stands by your side as your butler, your pawn, your tool. You know you will not die peacefully in bed one day when old age brings Death to your doorstep. Death for you will be messy; it will be excruciating pain that drags you into oblivion; it will be final. That doesn't matter to you so much; in a way, it seems almost fitting.
The world itself has stained your soul black.
It used to make you wonder, what did the demon see in you to grant you that thin line of hope, a single thread of salvation (salvation that damned you anyway but you grabbed at it because anything was better than the hell you were in) in the form of your contract? Was it sadistic amusement? Your abandonment of the light? You rarely ponder this nowadays, however; after all, in the end it does not matter. Even the demon is just a pawn to be used in your master-game and as long as a pawn goes where it is directed then that is all that is important. You accepted the consequences long ago when you accepted the contract.
Your soul for his power.
It was a simple decision.
But even so, there are things that keep you tethered to the world of the living and the light. Attachments. Your fiancée, Lizzie, is one. Perhaps that is why you keep her close: that foolish part of you not quite wanting to give up what you were, what you could have been, should have been, but for that month. If Lizzie represents your innocence, however, then surely Sebastian represents your darkness. The fact that Sebastian is infinitely more powerful than a mere young human girl is not lost on you. Keeping her around is a pointless indulgence, a meaningless fantasy.
After all, you passed the point of no return long ago.
What was lost can never be regained.
That month left you marked in many ways, but the most visible are the brand on your back and the contract seal on your right eye. You hide the first with loathing and shame and the second with necessity, but sometimes you wonder why people don't notice it, why they do not sense something evil and other-worldly about the half of your sight you keep concealed beneath an ordinary eye-patch. It's certainly a sight you yourself can never quite get used to. When you look in the mirror and see that brilliant purple sign in your eye, it is a daily reminder of your promise.
Look into purple flame and you look into Hell.
Nightmares of fire and blood and misshapen hands reaching for you still make you wake in a cold sweat, jaw clenched and hurting from the effort of trying not to scream. It doesn't matter, though – whether you scream or not, Sebastian is by your side within moments of your awakening to calm you down and wipe the sweat from your face. You cannot help but hate the demon for seeing you in such a moment of weakness, sure that whatever those emotionless carmine orbs see is filed away carefully to be twisted and used against you at some later date. It is irrational – what point is there in hating something that is only supposed to be a pawn to you? – but the thought that you are just a pawn in his game flits around in the back of your mind uncomfortably.
However, he behaves as an exemplary butler should and so it is easy to act the part of the noble alongside him. You are calm, cynical – though nothing compared to your constant shadow – and in control of yourself, exercising your authority where needed and expecting things to be done as you ordered. You do your duty to your Queen, your family name and also to yourself. But nothing changes the fact that it is all a mask, a façade, a deception that you cling to desperately, part of you terrified that one day, someone will see straight through you. You hate feeling such an irrational fear and so you tamp it down and bury it so deeply within you that there is no chance it could ever poke its head above ground again. You do your best to ignore this – this childish part of yourself and go on as before, but you cannot erase that trace of fear lurking in your chest and you cannot forget it.
Time goes by, and you begin to think that Barnum was right – people are stupid. They accept your charade and never question it. As you watch them smile, clearly thinking that they know you, deep down inside of you there is the tiniest breath of relief that they cannot see your vulnerability and that irks you. That hook of fear lodged in your heart is still there, always lurking, never forgotten; but you get better at ignoring its twitches as you use every day that passes to make that façade real. To make yourself believe that you need no-one, that they are nothing but your pawns, that you are master of this vital game: the game of life and death itself.
It should have worked.
But it didn't.
You are a master at reading people and figuring out how they think: you have to be, considering who you are and what you do. Once you know the way a person thinks you can categorise them and use them. The only person you cannot read is Sebastian: while this is understandable – he isn't a person, after all – your failure, any kind of failure, annoys you and so you vow to rectify the matter one day. Somehow. It comes as a shock when someone else you thought you'd read correctly looks you in the eye and turns your world – the world you had so carefully built for yourself – on its head by offering you his help willingly.
"Let me be your ally, Ciel-kun."
And the fear you've held for so long in your heart bursts back into full bloom like desert flowers after a storm.
Someone has seen through you.
That determined smile is steady, the blue eyes filled with a kindness that you thought you had left behind all those years ago as Abberline repeats those same six words while you stare at him in stunned disbelief. You don't need an ally; you only need pawns and tools to get where you need to go. You hate him for seeing through you (why can he not be stupid like everyone else?) but you are wasting time here and the genuine care in his eyes disarms you. Struggling for words, you can only turn and walk off, to escape him, but he takes your silence for acceptance and falls into step with you as you make your escape.
And for once you ignore the consequences of letting someone close to you (Fool) and listen with incredibility as he tells you he wants to make a world where your job isn't needed. At first you humour him with cynical amusement, but over time you feel yourself being pulled in by his words. Dangerous. Foolish.
Consequences can be deferred but never negated.
Mistake.
He walks in the light. You walk in the shadows.
What was lost can never be regained.
Perhaps you did have a way back, once. Could have had a way back. That path vanished into the cold, salt-tanged air as Abberline's lifeblood slowly stained his coat and seeped into the grain of the deck beneath him; as he struggled to tell you something important. Important knowledge that came too late.
"That's wrong; it can be regained. You have a chance … to obtain your future once again. Don't … forget that…"
However, it's too late, too late, you gave up your soul and your future to a demon who offered you power; you've been marked as a dead man walking since that day. You cannot help but hate the demon at that moment, more intensely than anything you've felt before; loathe the one who has tricked you and stolen your life, your future. But you are tied to him now and he to you in an unbreakable bond that runs deeper than either of you can imagine.
There will never be any form of salvation for you. You thought you had accepted this long ago, but to have the prospect dangled in front of you and then snatched away so quickly is so cruel it makes your very soul clench in pain.
You watch the life drain from blue eyes, until it seems as though the policeman is sleeping except for the pool of blood he lays in, and as you do you curse him for dying and you curse the demon for letting him die. You suspect – no, you know – that it was on purpose, spite, that stayed Sebastian's hand for this man was slowly stealing his prey away from him. Those crimson eyes gleam with satisfaction as the demon looks at the body and you realise, this is the price for trying to escape your obligations.
The world punishes those who rise above their place.
You don't attend the funeral. It seems wrong – you did not know the man all that well – and besides, you have other work to be doing, not mixing with people whom you do not know and who do not know you. That is what you tell yourself, but deep inside, you know the real reason that you don't go. You must forget what he said: there is no going back for you, only the path to be forged ahead. Only the goal to be reached, by whatever means, even if it means giving up your soul. Your façade must be stronger; you must become what you pretend to be, if only so this never happens again.
What was lost can never be regained.
If anything, you should be grateful to the persistent police officer for showing you what you must do and yet you hate him for showing you a way it could have been, a better life, a way out of this deep hell that you placed yourself into to escape from another, because –
You cannot lose what you never had in the first place.
– because that is not what you are. That is not who you must be.
You cannot go back.
You can never go back.
That is what it means to be Ciel Phantomhive.
~#END#~
Author Ramblings
Thanks for reading~! (^o^) Hope you enjoyed it~
When I came across the quote at the start of the story again after reading Kuroshitsuji, I was struck by how much it fit Ciel - he deals with things how he wants but is willing to take the consequences of his actions, like his contract with Sebastian.
.... Abberline was totally not meant to come into it so much either orz I really like him, so I was upset when he died (although anyone who has watched Druaga could probably have seen it coming haha) but it should be interesting how they'll play it in the anime now if he ever has a major part in the manga... which I doubt, but you never know. I'm sure Abberline lives in hope haha. In any case, this fic was written as a sort of a tribute to him, I guess. I also wanted to try out a writing style I'd come across~ First time writing in 2nd person, too.
Incidentally, for anyone who doesn't know, 'rubicon' was the name of a stream in north-east Italy that marked the border between Italy and Gaul (I think that's right) which Julius Caesar once lead his army across in 49 BC, thus breaking a certain law and committing himself to war. The word 'rubicon' came to mean "a point of no return". Ever since I heard it I've been wanting to use it in a story (haha) and I guess it also just really fit Ciel's situation.
Anyway, I really hope you enjoyed this fic! Please let me know what you think~ (^o^)/
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Announcement: For Nevermore
First of all, I'm sorry it's been so long since I updated! There are a variety of reasons, including but not only: lack of time, hard drive crashing, becoming obsessed with a different manga, being busy and just real life in general .... but in the end, that doesn't matter. This story is not being abandoned - quite the opposite, in fact; I've started work on the next chapter again (Yay!) and am about halfway through it with the rest planned out. I'm not going to make any estimates on when it will be finished because of Murphy's Law, but I hope to definately have it done before mid-December. It's been so long (almost nine months! :O) that I also had to take some time to reacquaint myself with the plotline, the writing style (which may have changed a bit since then, I don't know) but more importantly, the ideas behind the fic and what it was that I wanted to express. Fortunately, it has all (well, 99% of it, anyway) come back to me, so hopefully no-one will be disappointed when I finally do finish and post it up! Until then, please have a bit more patience with me (-/\-) and please look forward to the next chapter~ :D
A big thank you to everyone who has reviewed, favourited or alerted any of my stories (this one included :D)!! I really appreciate it (^_^) To everyone who left such kind reviews and to whom I have not yet replied, I apologise and I will reply back to you as soon as I can. For the wonderful people who PM'd me, thank you! I feel bad that I don't have time to write back to you at the moment, especially when your words made me smile, but I will do so as soon as time permits!
Until next time~
Light In The Void :D
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