Disclaimer: I own nothing of Tolkien's but all made up characters are mine!
Note: I'm new to the fan fiction game so be nice! All reviews are greatly appreciated. So please read and review. And without further ado here is 'In the absence of Light'!
What's the use of Tears?
I ran blindly through the dark stuffy passage, fumbling desperately for an exit, yearning for freedom . . . and light. How long had I been in this underground lair? How long since I had felt the overwhelming warmth of Arien against my bare skin? Oh how I longed for something other than this endless darkness, but that was where I was naïvely heading into.
But I had to get away-that was all I knew. The longer I remained, the harder it would have been to tear myself away from this Valar forsaken place.
Or was it so utterly forgotten by the lords of the West? I certainly had believed so when I had first entered this place . . . but now . . . Did I not indeed see the beauty of the Valar in his very face? Did not his very eyes stare back at me with a godly presence?
Those eyes.
Those eyes of unfathomable darkness. Like a mere at midnight reflecting not a star, but dragging you deeper into its lightless depths. I could not see those eyes again-I could not bare it. The way they pierced my very soul, leaving me vulnerable and open to him.
But now I was on my way to freedom. Soon I would feel the fresh breeze through my hair, the glorious sun against my skin. I would hear the sounds of birds and rivers and of laughter once more-things that now seemed no more than a mere fairy tale to me, things that only existed in my imagination. But now freedom was to be mine . . . atleast I hoped it would. The passage seemed to go on and on into impenetrable darkness with no openings or turnings. Could it be that it was one of his cruel jests sorely to have me hope and then fall further than before? It was not often that he left my door unlocked and the previous times I had been caught but ten yards from my cell.
How could I have gotten so far without him stopping me? Is his heart so black as to treat me so pitilessly? Had I revealed no light in his heart? Had my years of suffering been in vain?
'Of course you fool, you know what he is capable of . . . think of Elenia. How could someone of the light do such a merciless thing?'
The mocking voice in my head rebuked my previous thoughts. But now I thought only of my sister . . . that beautiful child who now lay motionlessly beneath the trees. Her heart stilled, her sweet voice silenced, her bright light extinguished.
'She is in a better place than you are. She is with the Valar and you are with . . . him.'
I heard the voice laughing bitterly in my mind, reminding me of my situation. What was the point? How would I survive in the outside world anyway? After so long . . . so very long.
I felt my weak knees buckle beneath me and the damp earth as I fell. Tears fell unceasingly from my tired eyes and any trace of hope left me all together.
After some time the tears stopped. I was beyond weeping. I was at the point where the chance to lay down my life would have been taken with gratitude . . . but there were no means to do so. I lay silently upon the ground, trying to clear my mind of all thoughts-all I wanted now was peace.
"Tinánia . . ." a voice whispered from somewhere behind me.
I felt my heart leap and sink at the same time. He had finally found me and I felt nothing but numbness . . . I would never leave now-that voice was branded on my mind, burning through my soul.
"Come now, all that running must has left you exhausted," he spoke in a voice of pure silk, "let me take you back."
I felt him bend over me and lift me up in his arms as if I were no more than an elf child's doll. With his arms around me I remained still, keeping my face turned away from him even though the darkness would have obscured my vision.
Slowly he took he took me back to my room . . . my cell . . . and after a few minutes I fell into darkness.
***
When I awoke I found myself lying on a bed of silk and other luxurious fabrics with candelabras surrounding me, illuminating the place. I was back. Some small part of me thought 'home' but that was quickly quenched. This would never be my home, no matter how elegantly he furnished it.
I sat up and looked down at myself. My dirt-covered skin had been cleansed so that my snow-white complexion was revealed. My tangled and matted raven locks had been arranged delicately behind my neck and my gown had been changed. Whereas before a wore a tattered grey one, now I was dressed in a gown of deep red with a shimmer of black running through it. It was cut low at my chest, brought in tightly about my thin waist and then left free to flow about my legs.
Oh how I hated my appearance. The elegant gowns only made me hate it more- they were not for me. They only accentuated my thinness due to lack of nourishment. Oh he fed me, but I seldomly ate it.
I placed a hand to my dark curls and pulled them from their position, letting them fall down my back freely.
"Pity-it took me some time to arrange your hair in such a way," he whispered, stepping out of the shadows.
My whole body went rigid at that voice. That voice that could make any maiden fall into his arms, but I had heard it too often to swoon over it. But it still had some effect on me other than fear, but it was unrecognisable.
I felt myself begin to quiver as he began circling me like some carrion bird, never taking his eyes from me and knowing what effect he had on me.
"I believe you decided to take a little walk earlier on, did you not?"
Oh Elbereth . . . what would he do to me? I had not thought of the consequences if I were to be brought back to him. Surely he would take some mercy . . . he would not hurt me, surely?
'You fool!' The voice from within my head screamed at me.
A picture of Elenia came into my mind. A picture of her falling from her horse, an arrow embedded in her heart. Oh how I had weeped over her lifeless body before he had come to me. Her beautiful curls of gold sprawled out across her face, her violet eyes staring out from beneath them. Death had not conquered her beauty and it never would, not until the end of days would the beauty leave her.
But I could not think of my belovèd sister now-he was still circling me. There was nothing to do but beg for forgiveness and I knew it well. It took some effort to throw myself at his feet, but eventually it was done.
"Please, I beg of you . . . do not hurt me! I shall never attempt escape again-I shall remain with you always!" I wept, clinging to his cloak, staring up into his eyes searching for some hint of pity.
And I saw it, but it was brief. He took my arm gently and pulled me to my feet. Before I knew what was going on, he had his arms around me as I wept into his chest.
"Hush Tinánia." He was stroking my hair and soothing me as much as he could. "I would not harm a single hair of your pretty dark locks, much less wish to make you weep."
He eased me back gently, so that my face could be seen clearly. He raised his hand to my cheek to wipe a tear away, but his fingers remained. He began to slowly caress my cheek and run his fingers along my jaw line, making me begin to shake in return.
He sighed, his hand still to my face. "Your beauty astounds me still to this very day-you are the essence of perfection."
I wanted to reply with the argument that I was far from perfection, but I knew that it would do no good-he was adamant with his belief of my beauty.
"My lord, I am flattered but-"
My words were silenced as his mouth was quickly lowered to mine, pressing his lips forcefully against my own and running his hand through my curls. Different reactions screamed through my mind. Part of me wanted to break free, part of me wanted to strike him, but these parts were overruled by the part of me that wished sorely to remain in his arms, to remain in his warm embrace where the very world seemed to melt away about us.
I cannot remember how long I remained in his arms-time seemed to stand still-but at some point my head took over from my heart and I pulled away roughly. I could not let him do that to me. I could not think of him in that way-he was a heartless fiend. I thought of what he had done to me. He kept me prisoner against my will, he tormented me, he caused me immense suffering, he . . . he took my sister from me. I could not do what I was doing.
"No," I said through gritted teeth, his hands gripping my arms tightly.
He shook his head and laughed bitterly. He finds it amusing to see me like this, I thought sadly, he takes pleasure in my discomfort. Oh how I hated him at that moment.
"I am not yours and I will never be. You had no right to do that." I was attempting to struggle from his firm grip but in vain-he was too strong. But it was extremely rare for me to show such courage towards him, usually I simply coward and remained silent. He let go of my left arm and raised his hand once more to my cheek, stroking my skin softly. I batted it away immediately-I was disgusted to have him touch me.
He laughed once more and ran his hand through my now-disheveled hair. I did not strike him this time, but simply glared at him-I was not intimidated by his stare, no matter how much it scared me.
"There's still fire in your spirit yet-I'm glad you have not lost it," he laughed, "you have not changed much since I first brought you here, although . . . you had a stronger will of your own back then."
I struck him hard across his cheek. I felt the heat erupt on his skin as my hand made contact with it. I was shocked at myself-I had never acted so fiercely towards him in all my years of captivity. But his remarks towards me made my very blood boil.
His head had snapped sidewards as he was hit, but now he was turning slowly back to face me. He was angry-that I could tell-but whether he would retaliate I did not know. And I did not care-that I realised. Death would be an escape and therefore whatever he did would be a blessing.
"Would you strike a maiden?" I asked mockingly, edging him on, "I'm sure an elf with a heart as black as yours would not hesitate to strike. Go on."
He simply stared at me, holding his hand to his now red cheek. Our eyes were locked for some time but he made no move towards me. Finally he shook his head, laughing.
"I underestimated you, my fiery nymph." He was now circling me once more, "and for that I apoligise. But . . . I truly feel that there was no need for violence. That burst of rage was uncalled for my-"
"Uncalled for? No need for violence?" I shrieked, interrupting him, "I seem to recall that you found a need for violence on our first meeting! So here I am entitled to do whatever harm upon you I desire!"
"No need to shout," he whispered, still circling me.
Oh how he infuriated me, oh how I wanted to kill him there and then. I moved quickly to block his path and found myself banging clenched fists against his chest, trying to inflict pain but I was too weak.
But I still had a deafening scream.
"I hate you! I despise your very being! Why did you bring me here? Why did you not kill me as you killed . . . as you killed Elenia? It would have been merciful to do so rather than bringing me to this hateful place! I hate you!" I screamed other such things at him for some time, still striking him with my fists. But he did not back away; instead a gleam of anger came to his eyes. But I did not cease until my throat was hoarse and my strength gone. I felt myself falling back onto the bed, lying still and silent, but not a single tear fell from my eyes.
I had never acted that way to him before, but I was glad. Even though all my strength was spent, it was worth it to finally let him know that there was no place for him in my heart. But still I felt wretched and exhausted. Unleashing these feelings had been contenting but at the same time I felt open to him. Weeping was useless anyhow. It was the same old story, what was the use of tears? What was the use of lingering on a moment when the next would be ten times as bad?
He still stood over me, but I could hear that his breathing had quickened. I did not turn to him, but instead I buried my face in the silk cushions and remained silent.
For a long while he stood, hovering over me, never taking his eyes off me . . . until he spoke.
"So you truly despise me as much as you have expressed?" He demanded and I heard no falter in his voice.
I said nothing.
"I see . . ." he continued, "well if that is the case I will leave you now. I shall be leaving at dawn for a short trip and I may not return for some time."
I sat up. He was leaving? He was leaving this place? To go above ground? Would he possibly . . . no, not after the way I had acted towards him . . .
"There is plenty of food and water in the store cupboard-take what you please . . . farewell," he finished turning towards the door.
I swiftly stood and placed my hand on his arm.
"Wait," I whispered. He did not turn but merely stared at the wooden door.
"Please . . . take me with you . . . I long to see the woods once more, to see the sun and feel the wind . . . I beg of you," I pleaded, praying to the Valar that he would agree.
He made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort. My heart fell.
"I would not take you if Manwë himself were to come here from Aman and command me to do so. Don't ask such things-my anger will only get worse," he said turning to face me.
It was impossible for me to join him so I ventured to ask another query. "What of Doriath? Tell me that. Has it emerged in darkness or does the queen's power still hold sway?"
He was silent for some time, staring down at the stone floor. Finally he met my eye.
"The girdle of Melian remains intact," he replied as I sighed in relief, but he continued, "yet the servants of Morgoth are ever closer to its borders. It will not hold out long."
And with that he turned and left the room. I heard him lock the door behind him and his footsteps echo through the tunnels until they were no more.
Was what he had said true? Was Doriath to fall? Would my place of birth be taken over by our foes, by the filth of Morgoth?
Surely Melian's power was strong enough to withstand such attacks? She was once one of the maiar after all.
But still I had great doubt in my mind . . . would Doriath fall into ruin?
***
What did you think? Did it suck? Please read and review! : )
Note: I'm new to the fan fiction game so be nice! All reviews are greatly appreciated. So please read and review. And without further ado here is 'In the absence of Light'!
What's the use of Tears?
I ran blindly through the dark stuffy passage, fumbling desperately for an exit, yearning for freedom . . . and light. How long had I been in this underground lair? How long since I had felt the overwhelming warmth of Arien against my bare skin? Oh how I longed for something other than this endless darkness, but that was where I was naïvely heading into.
But I had to get away-that was all I knew. The longer I remained, the harder it would have been to tear myself away from this Valar forsaken place.
Or was it so utterly forgotten by the lords of the West? I certainly had believed so when I had first entered this place . . . but now . . . Did I not indeed see the beauty of the Valar in his very face? Did not his very eyes stare back at me with a godly presence?
Those eyes.
Those eyes of unfathomable darkness. Like a mere at midnight reflecting not a star, but dragging you deeper into its lightless depths. I could not see those eyes again-I could not bare it. The way they pierced my very soul, leaving me vulnerable and open to him.
But now I was on my way to freedom. Soon I would feel the fresh breeze through my hair, the glorious sun against my skin. I would hear the sounds of birds and rivers and of laughter once more-things that now seemed no more than a mere fairy tale to me, things that only existed in my imagination. But now freedom was to be mine . . . atleast I hoped it would. The passage seemed to go on and on into impenetrable darkness with no openings or turnings. Could it be that it was one of his cruel jests sorely to have me hope and then fall further than before? It was not often that he left my door unlocked and the previous times I had been caught but ten yards from my cell.
How could I have gotten so far without him stopping me? Is his heart so black as to treat me so pitilessly? Had I revealed no light in his heart? Had my years of suffering been in vain?
'Of course you fool, you know what he is capable of . . . think of Elenia. How could someone of the light do such a merciless thing?'
The mocking voice in my head rebuked my previous thoughts. But now I thought only of my sister . . . that beautiful child who now lay motionlessly beneath the trees. Her heart stilled, her sweet voice silenced, her bright light extinguished.
'She is in a better place than you are. She is with the Valar and you are with . . . him.'
I heard the voice laughing bitterly in my mind, reminding me of my situation. What was the point? How would I survive in the outside world anyway? After so long . . . so very long.
I felt my weak knees buckle beneath me and the damp earth as I fell. Tears fell unceasingly from my tired eyes and any trace of hope left me all together.
After some time the tears stopped. I was beyond weeping. I was at the point where the chance to lay down my life would have been taken with gratitude . . . but there were no means to do so. I lay silently upon the ground, trying to clear my mind of all thoughts-all I wanted now was peace.
"Tinánia . . ." a voice whispered from somewhere behind me.
I felt my heart leap and sink at the same time. He had finally found me and I felt nothing but numbness . . . I would never leave now-that voice was branded on my mind, burning through my soul.
"Come now, all that running must has left you exhausted," he spoke in a voice of pure silk, "let me take you back."
I felt him bend over me and lift me up in his arms as if I were no more than an elf child's doll. With his arms around me I remained still, keeping my face turned away from him even though the darkness would have obscured my vision.
Slowly he took he took me back to my room . . . my cell . . . and after a few minutes I fell into darkness.
***
When I awoke I found myself lying on a bed of silk and other luxurious fabrics with candelabras surrounding me, illuminating the place. I was back. Some small part of me thought 'home' but that was quickly quenched. This would never be my home, no matter how elegantly he furnished it.
I sat up and looked down at myself. My dirt-covered skin had been cleansed so that my snow-white complexion was revealed. My tangled and matted raven locks had been arranged delicately behind my neck and my gown had been changed. Whereas before a wore a tattered grey one, now I was dressed in a gown of deep red with a shimmer of black running through it. It was cut low at my chest, brought in tightly about my thin waist and then left free to flow about my legs.
Oh how I hated my appearance. The elegant gowns only made me hate it more- they were not for me. They only accentuated my thinness due to lack of nourishment. Oh he fed me, but I seldomly ate it.
I placed a hand to my dark curls and pulled them from their position, letting them fall down my back freely.
"Pity-it took me some time to arrange your hair in such a way," he whispered, stepping out of the shadows.
My whole body went rigid at that voice. That voice that could make any maiden fall into his arms, but I had heard it too often to swoon over it. But it still had some effect on me other than fear, but it was unrecognisable.
I felt myself begin to quiver as he began circling me like some carrion bird, never taking his eyes from me and knowing what effect he had on me.
"I believe you decided to take a little walk earlier on, did you not?"
Oh Elbereth . . . what would he do to me? I had not thought of the consequences if I were to be brought back to him. Surely he would take some mercy . . . he would not hurt me, surely?
'You fool!' The voice from within my head screamed at me.
A picture of Elenia came into my mind. A picture of her falling from her horse, an arrow embedded in her heart. Oh how I had weeped over her lifeless body before he had come to me. Her beautiful curls of gold sprawled out across her face, her violet eyes staring out from beneath them. Death had not conquered her beauty and it never would, not until the end of days would the beauty leave her.
But I could not think of my belovèd sister now-he was still circling me. There was nothing to do but beg for forgiveness and I knew it well. It took some effort to throw myself at his feet, but eventually it was done.
"Please, I beg of you . . . do not hurt me! I shall never attempt escape again-I shall remain with you always!" I wept, clinging to his cloak, staring up into his eyes searching for some hint of pity.
And I saw it, but it was brief. He took my arm gently and pulled me to my feet. Before I knew what was going on, he had his arms around me as I wept into his chest.
"Hush Tinánia." He was stroking my hair and soothing me as much as he could. "I would not harm a single hair of your pretty dark locks, much less wish to make you weep."
He eased me back gently, so that my face could be seen clearly. He raised his hand to my cheek to wipe a tear away, but his fingers remained. He began to slowly caress my cheek and run his fingers along my jaw line, making me begin to shake in return.
He sighed, his hand still to my face. "Your beauty astounds me still to this very day-you are the essence of perfection."
I wanted to reply with the argument that I was far from perfection, but I knew that it would do no good-he was adamant with his belief of my beauty.
"My lord, I am flattered but-"
My words were silenced as his mouth was quickly lowered to mine, pressing his lips forcefully against my own and running his hand through my curls. Different reactions screamed through my mind. Part of me wanted to break free, part of me wanted to strike him, but these parts were overruled by the part of me that wished sorely to remain in his arms, to remain in his warm embrace where the very world seemed to melt away about us.
I cannot remember how long I remained in his arms-time seemed to stand still-but at some point my head took over from my heart and I pulled away roughly. I could not let him do that to me. I could not think of him in that way-he was a heartless fiend. I thought of what he had done to me. He kept me prisoner against my will, he tormented me, he caused me immense suffering, he . . . he took my sister from me. I could not do what I was doing.
"No," I said through gritted teeth, his hands gripping my arms tightly.
He shook his head and laughed bitterly. He finds it amusing to see me like this, I thought sadly, he takes pleasure in my discomfort. Oh how I hated him at that moment.
"I am not yours and I will never be. You had no right to do that." I was attempting to struggle from his firm grip but in vain-he was too strong. But it was extremely rare for me to show such courage towards him, usually I simply coward and remained silent. He let go of my left arm and raised his hand once more to my cheek, stroking my skin softly. I batted it away immediately-I was disgusted to have him touch me.
He laughed once more and ran his hand through my now-disheveled hair. I did not strike him this time, but simply glared at him-I was not intimidated by his stare, no matter how much it scared me.
"There's still fire in your spirit yet-I'm glad you have not lost it," he laughed, "you have not changed much since I first brought you here, although . . . you had a stronger will of your own back then."
I struck him hard across his cheek. I felt the heat erupt on his skin as my hand made contact with it. I was shocked at myself-I had never acted so fiercely towards him in all my years of captivity. But his remarks towards me made my very blood boil.
His head had snapped sidewards as he was hit, but now he was turning slowly back to face me. He was angry-that I could tell-but whether he would retaliate I did not know. And I did not care-that I realised. Death would be an escape and therefore whatever he did would be a blessing.
"Would you strike a maiden?" I asked mockingly, edging him on, "I'm sure an elf with a heart as black as yours would not hesitate to strike. Go on."
He simply stared at me, holding his hand to his now red cheek. Our eyes were locked for some time but he made no move towards me. Finally he shook his head, laughing.
"I underestimated you, my fiery nymph." He was now circling me once more, "and for that I apoligise. But . . . I truly feel that there was no need for violence. That burst of rage was uncalled for my-"
"Uncalled for? No need for violence?" I shrieked, interrupting him, "I seem to recall that you found a need for violence on our first meeting! So here I am entitled to do whatever harm upon you I desire!"
"No need to shout," he whispered, still circling me.
Oh how he infuriated me, oh how I wanted to kill him there and then. I moved quickly to block his path and found myself banging clenched fists against his chest, trying to inflict pain but I was too weak.
But I still had a deafening scream.
"I hate you! I despise your very being! Why did you bring me here? Why did you not kill me as you killed . . . as you killed Elenia? It would have been merciful to do so rather than bringing me to this hateful place! I hate you!" I screamed other such things at him for some time, still striking him with my fists. But he did not back away; instead a gleam of anger came to his eyes. But I did not cease until my throat was hoarse and my strength gone. I felt myself falling back onto the bed, lying still and silent, but not a single tear fell from my eyes.
I had never acted that way to him before, but I was glad. Even though all my strength was spent, it was worth it to finally let him know that there was no place for him in my heart. But still I felt wretched and exhausted. Unleashing these feelings had been contenting but at the same time I felt open to him. Weeping was useless anyhow. It was the same old story, what was the use of tears? What was the use of lingering on a moment when the next would be ten times as bad?
He still stood over me, but I could hear that his breathing had quickened. I did not turn to him, but instead I buried my face in the silk cushions and remained silent.
For a long while he stood, hovering over me, never taking his eyes off me . . . until he spoke.
"So you truly despise me as much as you have expressed?" He demanded and I heard no falter in his voice.
I said nothing.
"I see . . ." he continued, "well if that is the case I will leave you now. I shall be leaving at dawn for a short trip and I may not return for some time."
I sat up. He was leaving? He was leaving this place? To go above ground? Would he possibly . . . no, not after the way I had acted towards him . . .
"There is plenty of food and water in the store cupboard-take what you please . . . farewell," he finished turning towards the door.
I swiftly stood and placed my hand on his arm.
"Wait," I whispered. He did not turn but merely stared at the wooden door.
"Please . . . take me with you . . . I long to see the woods once more, to see the sun and feel the wind . . . I beg of you," I pleaded, praying to the Valar that he would agree.
He made a sound somewhere between a laugh and a snort. My heart fell.
"I would not take you if Manwë himself were to come here from Aman and command me to do so. Don't ask such things-my anger will only get worse," he said turning to face me.
It was impossible for me to join him so I ventured to ask another query. "What of Doriath? Tell me that. Has it emerged in darkness or does the queen's power still hold sway?"
He was silent for some time, staring down at the stone floor. Finally he met my eye.
"The girdle of Melian remains intact," he replied as I sighed in relief, but he continued, "yet the servants of Morgoth are ever closer to its borders. It will not hold out long."
And with that he turned and left the room. I heard him lock the door behind him and his footsteps echo through the tunnels until they were no more.
Was what he had said true? Was Doriath to fall? Would my place of birth be taken over by our foes, by the filth of Morgoth?
Surely Melian's power was strong enough to withstand such attacks? She was once one of the maiar after all.
But still I had great doubt in my mind . . . would Doriath fall into ruin?
***
What did you think? Did it suck? Please read and review! : )