Category: As always – Pacey/Andie pairing. Spoilers up to Season 4.
Synopsis: Andie returns home to Capeside for her graduation ceremony. Upon hearing spoilers that Andie would be making an appearance in the S4 episode "The Graduate", I knew I wanted to write my take on what would happen when she was reunited with Pacey. I knew the show wouldn't live up to my high expectations, so decided to write my own version. Here it is!
You're Where I Belong
"I am home now. Home now," Andie McPhee muttered to herself as she stepped off the plane.
Home. It was odd how Capeside had always been home to her. It had always been the place in her mind that warranted a title such as "home". It was where her friends and family were. It was where she had practically grown up. It had been her life.
Perhaps her spending time in Italy had brought out those sudden feelings. The aching she felt boarding her first plane that morning was something she hadn't expected. Sure, her first few weeks in Florence were plagued with a homesickness, but she had gotten over it. Aunt G had been like a second mother to her, and she had grown accustom to the lifestyle.
Still, Capeside would always be her home. Even though she had spent almost all of her young life in Providence, it was Capeside that held the key to her heart.
Andie was suddenly pushed into the large airport by the surge of people leaving the plane. A young man passed her, a young woman carrying what appeared to be twin babies.
Had she really not noticed children on the plane? Were they in a different section, or had she really been that deep in thought so as to pay no attention to those around her?
Andie shook her head, continuing to be pushed along with the crowd. Why was she so worried about this? Was it perhaps because her last big homecoming had been so awful? A year and a half ago, when she had returned from the treatment centre, a secret weighing heavily on her conscious?
Was it really almost two years ago that she had destroyed her life – or at least what she saw as her life?
Pacey.
--------------------------
Pacey stood at the gates and watched the steady stream of people. His hands fidgeting with his coat, his eyes nervously scanning the crowd.
Would Andie be the same? Or could a year in Italy change a person so dramatically so that their friends would no longer recognize them. Perhaps she had already gone by and he had missed her. Or maybe she had missed him.
He didn't think his appearance had changed that dramatically. Of course his hair had grown back in a bit darker, and perhaps he'd grown a little more. But not enough so that Andie would not be able to pick him out of the crowd.
"Come on, McPhee," he muttered to himself, still scanning the crowd. He had been at the airport for 2 hours already. Her plane had been delayed at its last stop, and the schedule had been totally rearranged.
Next time he would be smart enough to check the departure schedule before leaving. Maybe if he had done it this time…
He was just beginning to think he'd been standing at the wrong gate when something caught his eye. Off in the distance, he saw a head of blonde hair – the exact shade Andie's had been when she'd left.
"Lots of girls have blonde hair, you dope," he said to himself. He strained to get a better look at the girl.
"Excuse me sir, gotta get by," a tall man in a black overcoat pushed his way in front of Pacey.
Pacey struggled to see around the man's bulky frame. When he finally had a clear view he saw that the blonde had disappeared. Perhaps it was someone else. Perhaps…
"Pacey?"
He shifted his view and saw her, standing a few feet before him. "Andie."
She began to walk towards him, her pace quickening, her eyes locked on his.
When they met, he enveloped her in a bear hug. He felt her melt into him, as he swung her around gracefully.
"McPhee, it's so nice to have you home."
Home. There was that word again, thought Andie. Yes, Capeside was her home. So why did she feel like a fraud whenever she thought about it?
"It's great to be here." She studied him. His hair had grown back, and his skin seemed a bit darker. Perhaps he'd gotten a bit of a tan? Maybe he and Joey had rebuilt the True Love and had been sailing on it every spare second.
Pacey put his hands on her shoulders and studied her. She looked different somehow. Older, perhaps? More mature? Her hair had grown and reached past her shoulders, the longest he had ever seen it. What else was different?
She's beautiful, a voice whispered. Even if he refused to acknowledge it, his heart knew. Andie somehow seemed more beautiful, more radiant than when she had left. He guessed the vacation had served its purpose and had succeeded in loosening her up.
"Pacey?" Andie's voice brought him back. "Shouldn't we be going?"
He nodded. "Oh, yeah. The chariot awaits ye, lovely lady." He motioned for her to follow him out of the airport.
When they reached the parking lot, Andie suddenly broke into a wide grin.
"Pacey, you brought the cruiser?"
"Yes I did. And hey, you should be thankful Deputy Dougie even let me come at all. He's been a real tight ass lately, acting more like my father than … well, than my father!"
Andie allowed Pacey to open the door for her, and she stepped in. "Pace, have you been getting into trouble again?"
"Me?" He asked, innocently. "Naw. You know how perfect I am." He winked.
"Yeah, I know all about that!" She laughed.
Pacey pulled the car into reverse, and then turned to her. "Ready?" She nodded. "Capeside, here we come!"
Their ride back was short and sweet. Although they did speak it was mostly small talk. Pacey was interested in what she'd done in Italy, abut he didn't request details because he knew that once they returned home, everyone would want the whole story.
Andie was anxious to return home, to see her dad and Jack, her friends. Her old school.
"McPhee, you gonna actually join in the ceremonies this year?" Pacey asked, as though reading her mind.
She nodded. "Yeah. I thought it would be nice to graduate with my friends. You know, actually participate in the festivities and all that?"
"I see your point."
"You guys are actually going? Even to the after party?! I seem to recall a certain group of Capesidians who made it their business to shun school festivities…"
"Nah, that was years ago. We're civilized folk now. We eat of the beef and socialize of the people … or something…" he trailed off.
Andie turned to stare out the window, her back to Pacey. She did not realize that as she watched Capeside roll in, Pacey studied her.
And he couldn't stop staring. He wasn't sure why, but he couldn't take his eyes off of her. Upon picking her up from the airport, he'd had an overwhelming sense of emotions that surged through his body. Excitement, dread, love. The feelings confused him because he really hadn't been able to prepare for their mutual meeting.
The group were all going to be assembled at the McPhee's when they returned. It had been Pacey's idea to organize the welcome home party, and the others had been more than eager to go along with it.
But Pacey had just planned to be the organizer, not the one to actually pick Andie up from the airport. That had come as somewhat of a surprise.
The likely choice had been Jack, and he had been psyched up for meeting his sister, too. Until he realized that Toby had signed him up for an extra meeting with the after school group. He'd debated it for days before finally telling the gang it was something he really couldn't back out of.
Jen had volunteered, until she realized that the school had booked her an appointment with her therapist that afternoon. So with Joey babysitting Alexander and Dawson babysitting Lilly – the job had fallen upon Pacey.
And it wasn't like he didn't want to. He did, and the driving force behind his actions scared him. He wasn't sure what he felt anymore, what was real or what was imaginary.
"My gosh, this place is like a ghost town!" Andie exclaimed suddenly.
Pacey realized she was right – the streets of downtown Capeside were almost deserted. "That's odd for a Saturday," he replied.
Within five minutes they were pulling up outside of the McPhee's house.
"Sure hasn't changed much," Andie said, getting out of the car, to examine the place.
She was half way up the front steps when suddenly a chorus of voices called out,
"Welcome home, Andie!"
She spun around to find the whole gang – Jack, Joey, Dawson and Jen – plus Gale, Mitch, and Grams – standing on her front lawn.
"Oh my god, you guys!" She cooed. "I don't believe this!" She turned to Pacey, who had come to stand beside her. "This was all your doing, wasn't it?"
"Why, are you mad?"
"No silly," she replied. "I'm happy, I'm ecstatic. I'm … joyous!"
The gang moved forward, and Jack separated to come over. He gave her a hug. "I missed you, little sister."
"Me too," she whispered. "I missed all of you!"
"Well," Dawson began, taking charge. "A lot has changed – evolved – since you left. And we were sure a lot had changed for you, too."
"Well…" Andie began.
"So we thought getting everyone together in the same area was the smartest thing to do. That way we could listen to your stories and you could listen to ours."
"What a great idea! I love it so much, thank you all!" Andie exclaimed.
Dawson went back to his parents momentarily, returning with a bundle in his arms.
"But to start, we thought you should meet the newest resident of Capeside. Miss Lillian Leery."
"Aww…" Andie gratefully accepted the baby, and grinned at Gale and Mitch. "She's beautiful."
"That she is," Pacey said from beside her. "Now let's start this party!"
Music began to play, and the rest of the gang headed towards Andie to say their hellos.
Pacey moved off to the side, but he remained fixated on Andie. Seeing her with Lilly, the way she casually – and almost unconsciously rocked the baby ever so gently … it did something to him. He felt the fluttering in his stomach, that same one he'd felt almost 2 years ago when he'd first met her.
As he watched her and Lilly, he felt his mind wandering, thoughts and visions coming from beyond. Andie with other children – with their children.
Though he'd never mentioned it when they were together, he had thought about things like that. He had been certain they would spend their lives together, that they would share a home, a love, and a family.
He had not felt that way about anyone before – or after her. Sure, he'd been in love with Joey, but he hadn't really started to imagine a future together for them.
"So what the heck's been going on since I left?" Andie's voice brought him back to reality again.
The gang stood in silence, none of them sure who should start – or whose story was more important, more heart-wrenching.
"Oh, c'mon, it can't all have been awful!" Andie cried. "After all, you're all here today, aren't you?"
"I think we've all had some rough times," Dawson volunteered. He told Andie of Gretchen, and of her leaving in as little words as he could.
Jen volunteered that she was seeing a therapist – school orders. And that he was really an interesting guy.
Jack grinned as he told them about Toby, and how – although they weren't per say "going out", they were good friends.
"Holy cow! Well see there, now not everyone's life has dramatically changed, right?"
"What was Italy like?" Pacey said, quickly.
"Magnificent!" She breathed. "It's such a beautiful place. Aunt G was so awesome, we traveled everywhere. Not a care in the world."
"And not a thought about us all suffering back here in Capeside," Pacey clucked his tongue, jokingly.
"Oh, you guys were in my thoughts! I felt really bad being so carefree while you were all stuck in school here."
"Oh, it wasn't all bad. We had prom … we had a ski trip…" Jack began. "But of course, you knew about those. And besides, Dad and I survived without you, didn't we?"
Andie's face suddenly dropped. "Omigod! I can't believe I didn't notice before! Where is Dad?"
Another awkward silence fell over the group, before Jack spoke up. "He had some work to finish, Andie. He really wanted to be here, and it was all last minute…"
"Gosh, he works hard!" Andie exclaimed, regaining her brightness.
"A little too hard, if you ask me," Gale piped up. "Mitch and I see him frantically trying to complete tasks at the restaurant."
"Yeah, we've practically given him an official table spot, in a quiet corner," Mitch supplied.
Andie's brows furrowed. "Jack, why didn't you mention something in your letters? You know I would have lectured dad on overextending himself! He's had to deal with so much lately…"
"That's why exactly, Andie. I didn't want you worrying over nothing. Dad's fine, he really is. He's just in a busy time right now. I'm sure he's wrapping things up now so he can spend the whole next week with you."
She pondered the thought. "I suppose you're right. I'll just let it go – Dad knows what he's doing, right?"
"Right."
"Now," she addressed the rest of the group. "Let's get on with the party! Where are my gifts?"
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"Andie? Andie, are you in here?"
Andie was just stepping in the front door, when she heard Jack's voice.
"I'm here!" She called out to him.
He came jogging down the stairs. "I thought you were out. Pacey just called, and I told him you were out."
"I was. Out. Outside, that is. But I came back. In. Inside…" Seeing that she was only confusing Jack further, Andie gave up. "Okay. So did he want me to cal him back?"
Jack nodded. "Yeah."
She thanked him and jogged up to her room to call Pacey. He picked up on the first ring.
"Hey."
"Hi Pacey. You called?"
"Hey, McPhee. Nice to hear from you so soon. Jack's still a good messenger, I see?"
She agreed.
"Anyway, the reason behind my call … well, I was wondering if maybe you would want to … to go to dinner sometime."
"With the gang?"
"…no. Just me. I mean, I totally understand if you don't have the time or want, or whatever."
"No. Actually, I'd love to, Pacey. That sounds cool. When?"
"Today. Tonight, I mean. I could swing by your place about 6-ish, if that's okay with you. I thought maybe we could go somewhere nice…"
"Okay. You aren't bringing the cruiser again, are you? I mean, I don't have a problem with it. If this were anywhere but Capeside, I'd be mortified.
"Thank god for Capeside," Pacey muttered. "I'll have to see. That might be my only choice."
"Well, whatever is okay with me."
"Great. Well, I suppose I'll see you at six, then."
"I'll be ready."
When she hung up, Andie studied the phone. Had Pacey Witter just asked her on a date?
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"This place is so beautiful at night," Andie said, studying the marina's lights.
"Sure is. You'd think that would make it busier than it actually is." Pacey looked around, seeing that the two of them were alone in the beautiful area.
Dinner had come and gone – at a lavish restaurant. Andie had protested upon first hearing their destination. But deciding that Pacey had probably specifically picked it out, she had agreed.
Luckily, she had dressed up for the occasion – a lavender dress, spaghetti straps, and velvet skirt.
Pacey had dressed up, himself – having on a pair of navy slacks and a navy dress shirt. He'd put some gel through his hair, and it gave him a distinguished look. He toped the outfit off with a black sports coat, taming it down from dressy to distinguished.
When he'd come to pick her up, she'd been waiting at the front door. Her father was hard at work again, and Jack had been in the kitchen making himself dinner.
"Don't you think it's odd?" Jack had said, suddenly.
"Odd?" She replied.
"Well yeah, I mean Pacey asking you out to dinner and all."
"Why would that be odd?"
"You know. Just the whole history that you guys have. Together."
"Jack, we're just friends. You know that. We may have been something else before, but that was like a whole other lifetime. For now, we're just two people with a mutual admiration for each other."
Jack had been about to answer when the doorbell rang. When he caught sight of Pacey, all dressed up, he shot a glance Andie's way. She acknowledged it, but had said nothing.
Now here they stood, at the same marina where they'd shared a first kiss – a million summers ago.
"Pacey…" she began.
"You don't mind us coming here, do you?"
"No. It's nice here. It's just…" She thought about what Jack had said.
"Andie, you've been tense all night. Is something wrong? Was my asking you out to dinner inappropriate or something?"
"No, no not at all," she replied. "I mean, I'll admit I was surprised to hear from you. We all know how protective Joey can be of her guys…"
"Joey?"
"Yeah, you know – your girlfriend?"
Pacey's mouth hung open momentarily. "Oh, I see. That's why you've been acting so strange. You think Joey and I … are … I see."
"What … Pacey what's going on?"
He took a deep breath. "Andie, Joey and I aren't together. I mean, we were at some point. But we aren't anymore."
"Oh." She seemed genuinely shocked. "I'm sorry, I had no idea…"
"No, I guess you wouldn't. Your only connection to Capeside in the past six months has been Jack. And while he's been good at keeping up with gossip, I'm afraid he hasn't done his job."
Andie was silent before continuing. "Why didn't you write me?"
"What?"
"Why didn't you write me, Pacey?"
"About Joey and I?"
"No, why didn't you write me, period? I've been gone for what seemed to be an eternity – and somehow I managed to slip your mind?"
"McPhee, c'mon now. You didn't slip from my mind – you never could. You're a part of my life, and you always will be, no matter where you may be."
He noticed that she'd begun to shiver. The wind had picked up, and a light cold spray was coming off the water.
"Here, you look cold…" he took off his coat and gently draped it around her shoulders.
"Thank you," she said, quietly.
"Andie, what's going on here? I don't think my asking you out tonight or my not writing is the problem. What's wrong?"
"Nothing," she muttered, avoiding his eyes.
"Andie McPhee," he used his fingers to tilt her head up so she was forced to look at him. "What."
"It's just … I … god, this is going to sound utterly stupid."
"Nothing you could say right now would be stupid. Something's making you unhappy, and it involves me. I want to know what it is."
"It's not you. Directly, that is. You don't make me unhappy, Pacey – you never have. You make me happy. You brighten my life."
"So what then?" He pried.
"It's … it's something Jack said to me earlier. He was questioning your motives for tonight. I told him we were just friends, and that was that. I thought I was right, I thought I knew everything. But I don't think I am."
"But…"
"No, let me finish, please. I realized that Jack may have been wrong about you, about your motives. But he probably guessed mine right off. I knew this "date" was just a "friends" thing – I knew we were just friends and nothing more."
"Andie," he took a step closer. "Is that how you want us to be?"
"That's the thing!" She cried. "I don't know what I want. I was fine with us coming to dinner as pals tonight, I really was. Until I really thought about it. Now … I'm not so sure.
"I mean, this whole thing between us has been one big roller coaster. Ever since I met you, Pacey, I've been in love with you. That night at the rave, when I said those things to you – that was my heart talking. That was the voice that I'd been silencing for so long, because I knew what it had to say was inappropriate."
"Why, Andie? What were you afraid of?" Pacey asked, quietly.
Andie began to cry – silent tears falling down her cheeks. "I was afraid you'd reject me, Pacey. After everything you did for me … after all the times you healed my soul and my heart – I paid you back by breaking yours. In a moment of weakness, I made one stupid mistake that cost me my life. It cost me you."
Pacey was silent, as he pondered what Andie had said, and what it all meant.
"Andie. You never lost me. Yes, you broke my heart when you slept with that guy while you were away. I told you how I felt. But it only hit me so hard because I'd fallen so hard for you. I loved you, a big part of me still does. And that part of me is what called you today – what brought you here to the marina where we shared so much of our lives.
"When you said that stuff at the rave last year – I was shocked, yes. But only because it was what I was thinking too – what I felt. Andie, you are the love of my life, too…"
The two were so close, their faces almost touching. Pacey reached across for her hands, and took them into his own.
"Pacey…" she began.
"Where do we go from here?" He asked, eyes closed.
Andie leaned in towards Pacey, eyes closing. And it was just at that exact moment she saw Jack, terror on his face, rushing towards them.
Pacey backed away when he saw the look on Andie's face. "What…" he began.
Jack had reached them by that time, and he bent down to catch his breath.
When he spoke, his words chilled Andie to the bone.
"…it's Dad…"
--------------------------
Andie talked the entire way to the hospital. She rattled off reasons to Jack for why their father had to survive – had to pull through. She assured them that her father was a strong and healthy man and that this was simply a minor setback. He would be ok.
Most of all, Andie knew she was assuring herself – bringing comfort with the happy thoughts, the belief that if she thought positively about her father – the outcome would also be positive.
When the three of them reached the hospital, Jack proceeded on to get information, while Pacey held Andie back.
"Pacey, please. I need to see my father…" she said, when Pacey took hold of her by the wrist.
"I know," he said, quietly. "Just remember that I'm here for you, no matter what. I'll be waiting."
Jack returned, and stood before them.
"It's not good," he began. "He's suffered a major stroke. The doctors say he's stabilized, but…"
"Can we see him?" Andie asked, her eyes filling with tears.
Jack took her hand. "Yes. But, Pacey…"
Pacey held up his hands. "That's alright. I'll come up and wait for you outside. You two go, be with him."
When she entered the room, Jack behind her, Andie's eyes fell first upon the body in the bed. The man lying there hardly resembled her father.
The strength and courage that had once defined his face was gone – replaced by a look of desperation, of dependency. His eyes were closed, his body seemingly limp beneath the pale sheets.
"Dad?" Andie moved closer, and reached down to touch her father. She found his hand and held it tightly. "I'm here now."
"So am I," Jack moved to stand beside his sister.
Andie began to cry again. "Jack, I don't know what to say! What if he doesn't wake up?"
"We can't think like that. We have to believe that he'll be okay. That he can hear us wherever he is, that he's fighting for his life with everything he's got."
The two stood in silence before Andie spoke up. "Dad, I love you – we love you. Please come back."
Pacey sat out in the hallway, on the cold plastic chair. He was waiting for a sound – any sound – from the room next door. Anything that would tell him what was happening.
When the sound finally arrived, he knew it wasn't a good sign.
He himself began to cry as Andie's loud, hysterical sobs filled the hospital corridors.
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Andie stared at the framed picture as she prepared to place it in the suitcase.
It was her most favourite photo – one that was taken in "happier days" back in Providence. In it, she, Jack and Tim were between their parents, the same wide grin on each of their faces.
As had been happening more often lately, Andie began to cry.
A knock sounded at the door and she stuffed the picture into her case. She frantically wiped at her face as she made her way to the front of the house.
Pacey stood at the front door, a sorrowful look across his face.
"Andie…" he began when she opened the door, taking her into his arms. "I'm so sorry."
"Thank you." She let him into the house, and made her way back to the living room.
Pacey took one look at the open suitcase and his eyebrow shot up. "Someone taking a trip?"
"I am," Andie said, resuming the process of sorting through her clothing. "I'm going back to Italy."
"What?!"
"To spend the rest of the summer with my aunt. Then when it's time, I'll come back to the States for school."
"Sounds like you've got things figured out."
"I have," she replied, confidently. "I've given it a lot of thought, and this is really what I want."
"To run away from your problems?"
"I'm not running away from anything," she replied, defensively.
"You are," he said. "And that surprises me. The Andie McPhee I know would never run from the problems. She would stay and fight them."
"Maybe I'm not the person you know. Maybe I've different," she replied, softly.
"No, you're not different. You may have matured, but you're still the same Andie McPhee that I know … and that I fell in love with."
"No," Andie said, softly. She had thought this over. She'd done the task of comparing pros and cons and everything had worked out towards this. She could not go back on her word now. She had to stick with the choices she'd made – even if they seemed selfish and wrong.
"Why?"
"Because there's nothing to hold me here anymore. There isn't anything tying me to Capeside. Jack's going to NYU next year, my mother's in Providence, and Dad … there's nothing worth sticking around for."
What about me? The hurt in Pacey's eyes called out.
But Andie was too wrapped in her own thoughts to notice. She had to stick with her choice, no crossing over – she'd told herself.
"Well, if you've made up your mind…"
"I have."
Pacey turned and walked out the door. He didn't dare turn around, for if he did – she might catch a glimpse of the tears that fell down his cheeks.
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It was a day later, Pacey sat sulking in his living room – Andie's words played over in his head.
Maybe she'd been right? Perhaps he wasn't seeing her side, and was selfishly only thinking of his own wants and needs. Perhaps it was better to let her go – once and for all.
A tingling feeling down his spine made Pacey glance up towards the doorway. That was when he saw the figure standing there.
"Andie."
"Oh god, Pacey," she opened the screen door, and came in. "I can't do it, I can't leave."
"No, Andie. What you said yesterday…"
"Was wrong. I was stupid, I wasn't looking at the whole picture. There is something keeping me here. You."
"Andie…"
"I can change my plans. I can rewrite things – it all makes perfect sense now. I can stay in Capeside…"
"Please, don't throw away your life for me. You belong at Yale."
"You're where I belong, Pace. I belong with you. I see that now, I understand it all. I can stay here, live in my family's house…"
"But your schooling?"
"I can take a year at the local community college. It will be like a head start to university. You said you'd be graduating next year – after that we can leave. We can start a new life somewhere else."
"I can't let you do this, Andie."
"Why not?" She demanded.
"Because I love you so much. Because I want what's best for you, not for me. It would be wholeheartedly selfish of me to demand you stay in Capeside."
"But you aren't demanding. You aren't even asking. It's entirely my choice here, and I want to stay."
"No," he repeated. "Please. Don't make this harder than it is."
"But if you change your mind…"
"Please." He looked at her one last time, and then turned away. He could not bear to see it when she walked out that front door, and right out of his life. Forever.
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He didn't know what had brought him to that place, at that exact moment. Fate? Destiny? But he knew the moment he arrived that he was home.
Their eyes met across the cobblestone, and they both began walking. They met at the middle – a beautiful tall fountain their backdrop.
His arms reached out and found her waist. He pulled her in close to him and held tight to her.
And he knew, from that moment on, he would never let her go again.
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Fin. May 23, 2001 12:51
LYRICS: YOU'RE WHERE I BELONG (sung by Trisha Yearwood)
I am home now – home now.
I've been waiting for forever
To find you – to find you
I'm not alone now – alone now
'Cause you've taken in my heart from the cold
All I know is every time I look
Into your eyes – I'm home, I know
C: You're where I belong
I belong with you
You're where I belong
And I know it's the truth
You're part of my heart, there's nothing I can do
Oh you're the one who keeps me warm
My baby, you're where I belong
You're my first taste, my first taste
Of the sweetest feeling I've ever known
That I have known
You're my safe place, my safe place
From a world that can be so cruel and cold
You're my harbour, you're my shelter
You're that welcome smile
That lets me know – I'm home
C
You're the one I come to – to keep me from the cold
C