Disclaimer: J.K.Rowling would never let her characters do this, in fact I'm still having a hard time believing that I did

A/N: Ok I must be really losing it, but here it is a Severus Snape humorous story, which gulp contains some SS/HG and this is from a girl who swore to only ever sail the H/H ship. My good god, I don't have a clue what I was thinking when I wrote this but I've written it so I'm posting it. Just concentrate on the humour and all will be fine, go on give it a chance

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Two weeks before Christmas Minerva McGonagall, deputy head at Hogwarts was sat alone in the staff room marking papers from her seventh year class. She was starting to wonder why she ever needed to read through Hermione Granger's papers as they were always perfect, but was distracted as the door flew open. Severus Snape marched in without so much as a hello as he sank into a chair with the scowl that Minerva was sure was permanently attached to his face

'Bloody Gryffindors, know-it-alls every one of them, know it alls and fools' Severus was muttering angrily. He'd had enough of his seventh year Gryffindors, especially Granger who insisted on getting everything right despite his best efforts to discourage her from the subject

Minerva was rather angry that Severus had firstly entered without even acknowledging her and secondly had proceeded to disturb her in such a manner by insulting her house

'Twenty galleons that Gryffindor win the Quidditch match against your house' she said pausing in her marking and only saying such a childish thing to annoy Severus

'Don't be ridiculous, you don't have a hope in hell' Severus snapped

'I disagree' Minerva said loftily

'Then let's play for something a bit different this year, after all this is our first Christmas since the defeat of Voldemort and to get in the spirit, the losing head of house has to be Santa at the Christmas ball' Severus didn't sound as enthralled as some might have expected that Voldemort had gone. The reason for this was because it had made Potter and the rest of his little Gryffindor gang more loved than ever, and if there was one thing he hated it was anybody loving a Gryffindor

'You must be crazy' Minerva said in alarm wondering if Severus had gone nuts to suggest such a thing, after all neither head of house was renowned for going overboard in the Christmas spirit, Lockhart maybe but Snape and McGonagall, just unthinkable

'Well if you want to give in that's fine' Severus smirked ready to return to his muttering, but Minerva had been infuriated by Snape for the last time and with a hasty decision that she would regret later stuck out her hand and said

'No no, just make sure you get your Santa outfit ready'

Snape stared at her incredulously for a few moments, he had never expected her to agree, but he wasn't going to back down from a challenge so he shook her hand firmly before dropping it as though it were fire. And so the magically bounding bet was made, and the outcome of the Gryffindor and Slytherin Quidditch match would decide the fates of Snape and McGonagall

The match would be each team's first of the year, Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff had already played a few weeks earlier with Hufflepuff emerging the winners of a tight battle. Slytherin was still led by Draco Malfoy, who had survived his father's downfall to remain as rich and arrogant as ever, and Gryffindor was led by Harry Potter. Who had not been chosen because he had outstanding leadership skills but simply because by the time the team was rebuilt, he was the only surviving member. Quidditch hadn't been played for a year due to the threat of Voldemort but Harry had surprisingly grown in the role of captain and developed into such a player that several big teams were rumoured to be making him offers of a place in their first teams. But this didn't mean that McGonagall wasn't worried, after all this was her reputation at stake here. Which was why she kept Harry behind after Transfiguration one day to have a quick word of encouragement in his ear

'Potter if your team doesn't win this match, then I'll make sure you fail your NEWTS and get kept back a year'

And from the look of fear on Harry's face as he fled, there could be no doubt that he had understood her meaning. Although he had never had any intention of losing to his biggest rival

Snape was also giving the captain of his team some words of advice in his own typically Snape manner

'Malfoy, you have to win this match, use every trick you can think of, just make sure that you get the snitch first' Snape hissed as he glanced around to make sure no one could hear what was been said

'Yes sir' Draco said in delight as he began planning exactly how to break as many of Harry's bones as physically possible

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In the end, the match, as always, came down to Harry. His other players were been badly injured if they as so much looked at the quaffle and nobody was paying Madame Hooch any attention, everyone was too badly trying to injure the opposing team. Slytherin were leading 80 – 40 and Snape could see that Granger and Weasley were looking rather subdued by the score line and held some hope that maybe Slytherin could just pull this off.

But of course Harry had other plans. He had just glimpsed the snitch flying in the opposite direction close to the stands and abruptly turned his broom before Draco even had a clue what was going on. Harry zoomed off after it as Draco finally gave chase but the snitch was going too fast and that was when Harry remembered McGongall's threat and screwing up all the courage he had left after beating Voldemort he leapt forwards off his broom with his arms outstretched, grasped tightly at the thing in front of him and landed on top of something with an almighty crash

'Excellent Potter, bravo. Now if somebody would like to take Mr Potter to the infirmary, there shouldn't be too many broken bones hopefully.' McGonagall was beaming with delight at her seeker who was groaning in pain curled in a heap at the bottom of the teacher's box on top of Professor Flitwick with the snitch still in his hand. This was indeed a good day for Gryffindor and as Harry was carried away she spied somebody else attempting to make a hasty exit 'Professor Snape I do hope you aren't disappearing so soon' she called after the retreating figure who froze in alarm

'Pressing engagement I'm afraid' Severus turned looking even paler than normal

'Well I suppose you'll want to make sure that your Santa outfit fits' McGonagall said innocently

'Ah about that' Severus started to say with a very forced smile to try and make out it had all been a joke

'Magically binding contract Severus, I do hope you aren't going to make me enforce it' McGonagall reminded him, and of course she was smiling as she said this, after all she wasn't the one who'd have to appear at the students party wearing a Santa suit. Snape gulped as he considered his options, he'd heard some harrowing tales of what happened to people who broke magically binding contracts and so after a lot of deliberation decided to make an appearance dressed as Santa, but it had been a very close thing

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One week later on the afternoon that all classes had finished for the holidays, Snape was sat glumly in the Great Hall staring at the Santa suit that hung opposite him and watching Dumbledore fly around in possibly the best mood he'd ever seen him in. As the hall was transformed into what had to be the worst thing he'd ever seen and bear in mind this man had been a deatheater. The whole room seemed to be alive, flashing Santa's danced with glowing snowmen, traditional muggle songs filled the air and if that wasn't bad enough, every house elf was wearing a tiny Santa suit identical to the one he had to wear in a few hours

'It's wonderful of you to volunteer for this Severus. When Minerva told me, I could hardly believe it' Dumbledore said as he twirled his wand round creating yet more Christmas additions for the room

'Neither could I' Snape muttered as he wondered if death wasn't such a bad option compared to spending a night in the disgusting Santa's grotto at the side of the room that Dumbledore had actually spent time making with the evil little students in mind

'Now it's really very simple, just hear what the children want for Christmas and then give them a candy cane' Dumbledore explained to Severus for the millionth time and gestured at a enormous barrel of candy canes, which Severus had found out were apparently yet another muggle sweet Dumbledore liked and so made the experience even worse for him

'Do you not think the students are a bit old for this?' he asked with his lips curved in a slight sneer, which Dumbledore either missed, ignored or just didn't care about

'Nonsense, Christmas is for everyone, in fact I may pop in for a visit myself' Dumbledore gave a large wink as he wondered off to another part of the hall and he left Snape silently swearing to kill any teacher who so much as called him Santa

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The entire school knew that Snape would be appearing as Santa at the ball due to McGonagall announcing what she had described as the 'fantastic news' at breakfast. Now the Slytherins looked at him with something mingled between disgust and pity, and as for the rest of the school, he was convinced they were all laughing behind his back. It had been only today in potions that Snape had snapped sarcastically at Longbottom for doing something wrong and he could have sworn that Hermione Granger of all people had muttered 'ho ho ho' causing all the Gryffindors near her to burst into laughter at his expense. Of course when he'd turned round she'd been sat scribbling notes and looking so innocent that even he thought he must have been mistaken, not that it stopped him from taking points off. And if he'd seen the extremely mischievous glint in her eye, he'd have taken off ten times as many.

And as a result of everyone knowing that Snape would be Santa by the time he arrived dressed reluctantly in the Santa outfit that Dumbledore had sent him, the queue outside of his 'grotto' was stretching round the hall

Dumbledore apparently didn't trust him quite enough to just let him loose on the students, so Hagrid was crouched very uncomfortably in the corner trying not to break through the roof as he kept his eye on Snape. And slowly the line began to come in

'Ho ho ho and what would you like for Christmas you little brat' Snape asked gruffly as the first student, some first year from Hufflepuff who came in looking very excited and grinning at him

'That's right Severus, get in the spirit' Hagrid slurred, he had by now finished his second bottle of whiskey without offering Snape a single drop and deciding that Snape was harmless enough wondered off to find another bottle. And so the strangest Santa the world had ever seen was left slouching grumpily in his chair to spread Christmas spirit to the children of Hogwarts

Three hours later Severus was finally coming to the end of the queue and had by now perfected his Santa technique, which he now had another chance to demonstrate

'Take the candy cane and go away now' Snape shoved the sweet into the youngster's hands and pushed him out of the opposite door before they could say anything

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Snape would never know what had possessed Dumbledore to throw a party for the entire school, it was bound to end in complete chaos and many drunk students after some idiot thought it was amusing the spike the drinks and quite possibly this year there would be a dead potions professor as well. But if he did somehow make it through the night, he had made a complete mental list of the Slytherins he would be punishing for having the nerve to come and see him

'Here Severus I smuggled you a bottle of firewhiskey, just to keep you going, everyone else is drunk already and the lower years have been sent to bed' Flitwick slipped into the grotto and handed Snape a bottle of the very strong alcohol

'It's about bloody time can I go now?' Snape snapped as he grabbed the bottle and drank directly from it, what Flitwick didn't know was that he was the third teacher to bring Snape alcohol, they were apparently all very grateful that they didn't have to play Santa

'I think there are some seventh years to see you' Flitwick said as he peered round the door

'You must be joking' Severus exclaimed as he sprayed Flitwick with the drink he had just spat out in horror. He didn't know what self-respecting sixth or seventh year would possibly want to visit Santa and he certainly didn't want to see them

'Sorry, I should warn you that most of them seem to be pretty far past drunk' Flitwick smiled as he left, of course he was happy, he didn't have to be Santa to a load of 17 and 18 year old drunks

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'Hello Santa' a very drunk seventh year stumbled into the grotto wall and very nearly succeeded in knocking it over as he found Snape's long since discarded Santa hat on the floor and happily placed it on his own head

'Malfoy get out of here this instant' Snape exclaimed in horror as he sprang up and tried to push the young blond out of the room

'But Santa, I want a puppy' Draco said sounding very upset

'I'll give you a bloody puppy' Snape snarled as he tore off his beard and threw it at Draco's back and marched back into the grotto slamming the door firmly. Outside Draco picked up the beard and put it on and then proceeded to inform Harry Potter that now that he had Santa's hat and beard, he was in fact the new Dark Santa Lord ready to take over the world, to which Harry nodded seriously and asked if there were any positions left as to be filled as a killer elf


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But nothing he had ever encountered, not even his experience with Draco 'Dark Santa Lord' Malfoy had prepared him for the shock he felt when Hogwarts best student came into his grotto. Hermione Granger had either been involved in some horrific accident where her clothes had been cut to shreds or she hadn't noticed that it was the middle of winter in Scotland. Severus knew that Dumbledore had decided that this ball should be informal dress so that all the students felt comfortable and he had protested at the time as to the problems this could cause, but never in a million years had he expected that this would be one of them. For Severus Snape had never taken the time to think of Hermione in any way other than an annoying know-it-all Gryffindor who was best friends with Perfect Potter. But with her stood in front of him wearing what could only be described as very tight fitting (looking suspiciously like leather) trousers and a low cut top he was quite frankly lost for words.

He had a sneaking suspicion that at some point through the course of the night she had got changed, as he had glimpsed her arriving in a long skirt and jumper, which under no circumstances could translate as what she now wore. Personally he was inclined to blame Weasley for this, he could just imagine that little git egging her on to change, in fact he could just imagine him offering to help her change

'You know I'm meant to sit on your knee' Hermione pointed out as she stood in the doorway having eventually grown bored of waiting for the potions teacher to speak. Despite the rather alluring smile on her face, Severus quickly pulled himself together when he heard her voice and remembered that this was smart arse Granger that he had almost thought was good looking

'Not this Santa' he said gruffly, glaring fiercely hoping that she would take the hint and leave

'Fine, I'll just get an even bigger present' Hermione said with an unconcerned smile as she lent back against the wall apparently intent on staying for a good while yet

'I haven't even asked you what you want yet' Severus pointed out, amazed at her gall

'Well get a move on' Hermione said sounding as though this was an everyday conversation that she might have over any little thing and not looking drunk, although the fact she was visiting Snape dressed in such clothes showed that she clearly was

'And what would you like for Christmas little girl?' Snape asked his voice positively dripping with sarcasm, which Hermione merely smiled at and ignored

'A new potions teacher' she suggested with the slightest of smirks

'Then I suggest you change schools because you most certainly wont be finding one here' Snape drawled looking far from amused

'How about some shampoo?'

'No' he snapped looking really rather offended

'Well I suppose that much was obvious' Hermione muttered darkly, loud enough for Snape to hear, before brightening up and suggesting, 'Whiskey?'

'I do believe you've already had more than enough' Snape pointed out ignoring the fact that he himself was on his second bottle, but he had been drinking for over twenty years, Hermione unless he was very much mistaken had only recently started

'Nonsense, I've hardly had a drop' she brushed off the comment and attempted to roll her eyes but found that she couldn't remember how

'Look have a candy cane thing and shove off back to celebrate' Severus growled as he threw the sweet at her and waited for her to leave him in peace

'You can stick your candy cane where the sun don't shine because I'm not leaving here until you give me a good Christmas present' Hermione stated folding her arms firmly across her chest and Severus unintentionally found himself staring at that particular part of her anatomy for a few seconds before mentally slapping himself

'Such language Miss Granger, tut tut tut. I do believe that makes you a naughty girl and they don't get any Christmas presents' he said combining his best drawl, smirk and sneer in one to create what looked rather like an impression of a dog that had been hit in the face by a bludger. Hermione laughed out loud at this and finally moved towards the door

'On the contrary they get the best ones' she paused momentarily to give a smirk of her own with a slight pout on her face before vanishing back into the crowd of seventh years that was still stumbling around outside in a weird kind of drunken dance. Severus sat stunned and wondering if that conversation had really just taken place or whether this was in fact some kind of hell dimension that he had been sucked into, which would have explained a lot. He eventually convinced himself that he had only thought that Hermione was good looking as a result of mental fatigue due to having to wear such a depressing article of clothing so tearing off his red suit revealing his usual black robe he took on last disgusted look at the grotto picked up his whiskey bottle and swept out

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'I've finished now' Snape announced to Dumbledore who was doing the waltz with McGonagall cheered on by the remaining students

'Excellent come join the party; it's just the sixth and seventh years left now. I think we'll finish in about an hour' Dumbledore stopped his dancing and smiled happily at Severus, it was hard to tell if this was because he was drunk or if it was just Dumbledore being Dumbledore

'I really would prefer to go back to my room' Severus said almost desperately, prepared to just make a break for the door cursing anybody who got in his way

'Nonsense, have a drink' Dumbledore said pushing a cup of punch into Severus' hands before returning to his dance. Severus stared into the punch and then threw it at some passing Hufflepuff with a snort of disdain as he got his bottle of whiskey back out and went off to try and find the darkest corner he could, to spend the remaining hour in

However for the darkest corner in the room it was surprisingly busy, Draco had already been over twice to attempt to recruit Severus as killer elf number 12. Severus didn't know which was scariest; the fact that under the influence of drink Draco thought he was a dark lord or that 11 other people had believed him.

And now Hermione came over clutching what appeared to be some students own brand of a strange blue coloured whiskey mixed a muggle soft beverage and extra strong firewhiskey to create an alcohol content high enough to kill a good few house elves. Severus closed his eyes praying that if he couldn't see her then she wouldn't really be there

'Professor Santa, did I ever tell you that I really admire you' Hermione's voice broke into his thoughts and he reluctantly opened his eyes to see that she was still wearing very little

'No and please don't' he said desperately, he couldn't imagine such a horror as some little Gryffindor admiring him

'You're funny' Hermione gave a giggle that sounded so entirely foreign coming from her mouth that Severus had to use all his will power not to let his jaw drop to the floor in shock

'You're drunk' he said it as much to remind himself as her

'So are you' Hermione quick pointed out, still having sharp reactions even when drunk

'Five points to Gryffindor' he said very dryly with the slightest of smirks

'I used to want to marry Santa you know?' Hermione said apparently not adverse to quickly switching topics

'How very sad' Severus drawled in amusement, meaning every single word

'But they were all fat old things so I went off them, but you're really rather good looking if I ignore the fact you're rather greasy' Hermione gave what would be described in most stories as a look of pure passions and caused Severus to almost have multiple heart attacks from hearing those words

'Do you not have someone else to ramble to?' he asked trying to get rid of her before she started actually planning the wedding

'Nope Harry passed out ages ago and Ron's snogging Malfoy' Hermione said in a bored tone as she flicked some imaginary dirt out from under her nails

'WHAT?' Severus cried in horror as he spun around in alarm trying to spot the couple, the thought never crossing his mind that Hermione might be lying

'Oh no wait, that's Lavender, my mistake' Hermione giggled as she wondered off and left Snape speechless for the second time in an hour

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Severus finished the whiskey and decided that he didn't give two sickles for what Dumbledore wanted, he was going and he was going now. He stood up with determination managing to put both his feet in the same direction and summoning up all his inner strength he concentrated only on the doors on the other side of the room that spelt his escape from this nightmare and managed to enviable fete of mentally blocking out every single student in the room, now all he had to do was walk the fifty metres required and he would be free

Forty metres to go and everything was going well

Thirty metres and he successfully ignored Draco training his band of twenty elves in the art of candy cane dodging

Twenty metres and he stepped purposely over the sleeping form of Justin Finch-Fletchy who was sprawled out in the middle of the floor

Ten metres and he could see nothing left to stop him, unfortunately as he tried to move forwards he found he couldn't move more than one step, so he tried to obvious thing and stepped backwards but didn't get any further, and that was when the barriers of ignoring people came crashing down. His head filled with the sounds of drunken babbling and loud music and in front of him apparently stuck as well was the one person he was trying to escape from, Hermione

'Ooo magical mistletoe' she said sounding delighted, probably because it was a chance for her to see its effects first hand rather than just read it from one of her many books. Snape slowly, oh so very slowly, craned his neck upwards in horror and sure enough hovering above him was the very elusive magical mistletoe

'Oh dear god no' Severus breathed in dramatically and looked around for somebody, anybody, even the Dark Santa Lord to rescue him from this situation. Heck, even Dumbledore would do, somebody who would realise that the bloody mistletoe wasn't intended for students and teachers, in fact it wasn't intended for him at all. Unfortunately for him nobody seemed to care

'Severus you sly old thing, I had to kiss Sprout you've done much better' Flitwick wandered passed and crowed with delight at seeing the scrape Severus had just managed to get himself into, he gave a large wink as he kept moving obviously not interested in helping Severus out of this situation.

Hermione suddenly looked a lot more serious as she looked around trying to find a way out and apparently drawing a blank. She seemed much more sober now that the prospect of kissing a man old enough to be her father had arisen and Severus couldn't help but feel rather indignant, she had been flirting with him earlier and suddenly she had turned back in to Gryffindors resident holier-than-thou, prim and proper head girl. It wasn't as though he wanted to be in this place to begin with, all he wanted was to be back in his potions room inventing new ways of poisoning annoying know-it-alls. Clearly this was all those bloody Gryffindors fault, McGonagall for agreeing to such a stupid bet in the first place, Harry for breaking an arm and a leg (literally) just to catch the snitch, Dumbledore for ever deciding to hold such a ridiculous ball where alcohol could appear and Hermione for getting so drunk that she hadn't had the foresight to avoid him

'Well go on, you know you can't move away until you do' she pointed out in such a condescending tone that Severus' blood boiled to about the same level as erupting lava, it was after all, hardly his fault that they were here and so he did the only logical thing he could think

'Oh honestly I don't have all day to wait, come here now' he snapped in irritation leaning forwards to give her a quick peck on the cheek and then run away and wash his mouth out with ten bars of soap. Only it didn't quite work as he had planned, as Draco had been marching his elves round the hall in some kind of procession to pay homage to the Santa hat and one of the more drunk elves bashed into Hermione and sent her stumbling straight into Severus whose arms where now holding her, whose hair was been played with by one of her hands and whose lips became rather attached to hers. Of course if either of them had been thinking straight they would have run a mile, paused to scream in horror and then kept on running. But they weren't. Hermione was thinking along the lines of what dress she would wear when she married Santa and how Severus' hair was more silky than greasy. And Severus had got as far as thinking a female, a good kisser, and 18 years of age and then decided that thinking was overrated and so had stopped.

Approximately five minutes later the kiss finished to a small round of applause from some amused onlookers and Severus hurried off to his room to try and wipe his day from his memory, while Hermione went to find another drink.

The next day was spent with much horrified screaming and banging of heads on walls, but neither mentioned the event to anyone, especially not each other. When asked about it they denied all knowledge of such an event ever taking place and in years to come when Hermione married Harry she made sure he was invited, he made sure he turned her down and in future whenever Christmas came around he disappeared from view for the entire month.

And as for the Dark Santa Lord, well that's another story

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Sorry couldn't resist the H/H at the end, hope you found it amusing

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