Chapter 1:
Underneath
Once upon a time there was a boy. A boy who let society sell him every stereotype possible. A boy who turned to cold steel etching his skin to bring a feeling. He shrouded himself in darkness, but what he longed for was the light. To be part of the whispered conversations in overcrowded hall was. To stop surviving his life to start to live it. To stop fixing everyone else and start to fix himself. By this point you may be asking who this poor, unfortunate soul could be.
That would be Blaine Devon Anderson, 18 year old high school senior, class President, proud member of New Directions show choir at William McKinley High School. Once a strong, well defined young man, now a mere shell of his former self. There was a time when he walked with his head held high. He never had a reason to second guess what his life meant or was worth. But in one selfish, fleeting moment he ripped it all away from himself. Every hope, every dream, every chance at happiness. One moment of self-doubt stole his perfect future, more over it stole Kurt. The only man who had ever loved him unconditionally. Loved his faults, his flaws, his littlest imperfection. His perfect teenage dream that saved him, what seemed like a lifetime ago, on the stairs of Dalton Academy for Boys. Kurt was everything Blaine never knew he needed, and he let him slip through his fingers like sand.
Red dotted the floor as the rubies dripped from the thin line that, a moment before, seemed invisible. Blaine tried hard to stay in control, to keep the demon clawing it's way out of him contained. Some days were easier than others. Days when he didn't have time to sit and contemplate how upside down his world had become. Days when the last six months felt like a nightmare he would awake from any second. Yet, with the unforgiving sun, the nightmare persisted. Forcing him to face reality and the realization that nothing had changed. Days when he longed for the comfort and familiarity of his Dalton Academy blazer. The navy blue and red piping that meant he would blend in instead of stand out. The one place that Kurt's memory didn't assault him from every hallway or classroom. Where Kurt hadn't been his anchor and he wouldn't feel as though he was floating aimlessly on an endless ocean of regret. Where he never had to wonder what tomorrow would bring.
Sam had once convinced him he was a hero, so why did he still feel like the villain? Why did he hate having to look Finn in the eye everyday and see no hate mirrored back at him? He, above anyone, should have championed Blaine's return to Dalton. Still, Finn had forgiven him for his transgressions against Kurt. Kurt's own father held no ill will toward him, and still he longed for them to hate him. To despise him as much as Kurt did. These thoughts, these wishes, drove the razor over his skin yet again. Deeper this time than any of the previous. He wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. Blaine wanted the emptiness to swallow him forever. No today, no tomorrow, just nothing. No more pain, no more hurt. Just nothing. Let the demon inside him consume every fiber of his being. Let it steal his beating heart, the breath in his lungs. Shutters of cold numbness rocked him as he released control, fell into the darkness and let it envelope him. Let it welcome him into the nothing he had so longed for. Thankful that Kurt was finally freed from Blaine's toxic hold on him. Free to forget Blaine and find the happiness he had stole from Kurt. Blaine's chapter in Kurt's life was finally over, though Kurt's story was just beginning. He loved Kurt enough to give him the freedom to find his happy ending. His real Prince Charming. The one he could ride off into the sunset with, having no fear of ever being hurt again. His heart forever safe from any further damage Blaine could inflict.
No fear, no panic, no will to fight against the cold embrace of death. The slight pressure at Blaine's wrist told him someone else was fighting for him. He wanted to scream at them to stop, to make them see that this was for the best. The price he needed to pay for the despicable pain he had caused the only man he had ever loved. Blaine's eyes wouldn't open, his voice refused to surface. He couldn't explain this was what he wanted, what he needed. To make whoever it was see that he wasn't being selfish, he was being selfless. He was freeing everyone who had ever thought they owed him love or friendship. He didn't deserve anyone concern. Yet, they wouldn't let go. He knew they had stopped the bleeding. Light beginning to fracture the darkness. Not enough for him to to surface completely, but enough for him to know he eventually would. He could count the seconds, the minutes, the hours, the days that slipped by before the darkness was completely destroyed by the light.
Blaine's eyes fluttered open, the sounds of the machines around him filling his ears. Soft sobs coming from somewhere close by. He shifted his head to find the source though there was no need. He knew those sounds better than any other. He groaned audibly at the site of Kurt trembling in the corner, his head raising at the sound. He looked like an angel with his always perfectly coiffed hair. He wore his white jacket with the zippers and locks that served no purpose, the white skinny jeans that hugged his body in all the right places, black belt and black boots. All Marc Jacobs, including his "Rain" cologne. His eyes were red and puffy from excessive crying. "B-Blaine, God you scared me. I-I thought for sure I had lost you." Kurt's cries turning into hiccups.
"That was the plan." Blaine laughed to himself. "Looks like suicide is another thing I can add to the list of failures." He knew what was coming next. The question he would have to answer a million times over, though no one would quite believe the answer.
"Why did you do it, Blaine?" the older boy asked. Concern, worry and anger thick in his voice.
"Why did I do it? I did it for you. So you could let go of me and have a chance at the happiness I stole from you. Give you a future with no pain of the past. Where you would wake up one morning and I'd be nothing more than a hazy memory of a life long forgotten." Blaine sighed. Kurt was shaking his head, slowly inching closer to the younger boys bedside. Kurt's blue eyes tearing at Blaine's heart. Every bit of hurt Blaine had ever caused him etched across his face.
"You honestly thought that this," Kurt motioned towards Blaine's bandaged wrist. "would release me from some obligation you think I have to you? That one moment of stupidity on your part would erase the two and a half years we were together?" Fresh tears glistened behind his beautiful orbs. After all the pain of the last six months it was a wonder this boy still had tears left to shed. Blaine swept a wayward tear from Kurt's cheek.
"I just wanted you to be happy. For a single moment, I wanted to feel like the universe wasn't going to crush me and my heart wasn't going to explode. A moment when I wasn't broken beyond repair." Blaine struggled to keep control of his own tears. Tried to beat them back, he had no right to feel pitied. No right to have this boy still by his side. Blaine's head began to spin, blinding pain searing across his eyes. He could just make out the panic behind Kurt's eyes before a thick shroud of black claimed him.
Kurt hit the emergency call button on Blaine's bed. He couldn't wake the boy and he was scared. Tremors rocked through him as his mind started racing. If he lost Blaine he wouldn't know what to do. No one in his life understood him like this boy. When Kurt had felt that there was no hope left, that he was trapped, Blaine had shown him differently. Blaine had been his anchor, his tether to some sort of normalcy in his life of sheer crazy. He needed the chance to tell Blaine that what happened six months ago may have caused frays in the tether and rust on the anchor but it had not damaged his hold on him.
The nurses rushed in to evaluate Blaine's condition. "He won't wake up. One moment we were talking and the next his face went pale, his eyes rolled back and he was g-gone." Kurt backed out of the room to give the nurses, and now doctors, their space. He didn't see Sam behind him.
"What's going on, Kurt?" Sam's eyes were heavy with worry. Kurt told Sam everything. From why Blaine had done it to Blaine going unconscious. "Kurt, stop being so hard on yourself. No one knew Blaine had gotten to this point. The man is my best friend, I knew every emotion that he felt. Trust me, this he kept buried deep. This, he was fighting alone."
"He should have told me. Should have come to me with this." Kurt shook his head, raking his fingers through his hair.
"I don't think it's that he didn't want to, I don't think he could. I think that whatever he's battling wouldn't let him." Sam sighed. "But I can see his reasoning for doing what he did." Kurt's look of utter confusion wasn't wasted on Sam. He smiled and told Kurt exactly what Blaine had confessed. How had Kurt not known this was where Blaine would end up? Everything Blaine done he did out of love and concern for someone else. Kurt had to chuckle to himself at the thought that Blaine would kill himself to make sure someone else was happy. How ironic that Kurt would be the one he had tried to do exactly that for. Blaine 's own happiness had never meant much to the boy, as long as he could bring a smile to someone else face. It had been one of the traits Kurt loved most about the boy. He allowed himself to steal a glimpse into the room at his unconscious ex, his heart slipping with the realization that this could be the end. That Blaine might have come to long enough to make Kurt realize that this had all been, although misguided, done to benefit Kurt's happiness. The boy was willing to give what no one else had dared to ensure the pain would end. How had Kurt ever been so blind to the fact that there would ever be another man like Blaine. In all the world, he had found his soul mate and he had potentially thrown it all away. In some ways he was beginning to think that he owed Blaine an apology, that he should be the one begging for forgiveness. How had he become so enamored with New York that it had cost him the love of his life? Here he sat, on the brink of what might be Blaine's final breaths, and he couldn't tell him that he would do anything to have just one more minute. One more second even to tell Blaine that he needed him as much as he needed the blood that coursed through his veins. That he couldn't face a world the Blaine didn't exist in.
"Could you tell me how I might get in touch with a Mister Kurt Hummel?" the man in the white coat inquired, snapping Kurt out of his revere.
"I'm Kurt Hummel." Kurt could feel his eyes widening at the doctors request.
"Mister Anderson has listed you, and only you, as his Power of Attorney." the man explained. Kurt's mind refused to process what was being said, he could feel the look of confusion he was giving the doctor. "It means you are the final word in Mister Anderson's medical decisions should he be unable to make them himself, as the case being at the moment." the man gave Kurt a moment before continuing. "It seems as though Mister Anderson suffered a rather nasty bump to the head the some how went over looked until he passed out. The injury to his head has caused swelling in his brain. The pressure from the swelling has caused Mister Anderson to slip into a coma. We can lesson the swelling with a rather small procedure that will more than likely bring Mister Anderson out of the coma. There are minimal risks that do accompany this type of trauma, however.
Kurt cut across the doctors words, "What the hell are you waiting for? Do whatever it takes o bring him back! I don't care what the risks are if it means he will live. Where are the papers I have to sign?" Kurt felt as if he was losing his mind. Why was this man standing here prattling on when he could be saving Blaine's life? He could handle whatever would come later. All he knew right this moment was that he couldn't lose Blaine, he would agree to anything that ensured that would not happen. Kurt felt Sam's hand settle gently on his shoulder. The boys hand felt comforting, Kurt allowed himself to relax a bit. "I'm sorry, Dr.," Kurt had to steal a look at the mans name. "Reyes. I am usually not so irrational. Bottom line is that I will sign whatever I have to if it means Mister Anderson has even a small chance at recovery. I can deal with the risks at a later period." Dr. Reyes simply nodded, handing over the papers for Kurt to sign. He automatically put his signature where it was required. Kurt exhaled as Blaine was wheeled out of the room, Kurt placing a chased kiss on Blaine's lips. Silently he pleaded with Blaine to return to him. Kurt turned and buried his head briefly in Sam's shoulder.
"Should I call Mister Shue and the others?" Sam questioned. Kurt simply nodded.
"Everyone should be here when he wakes up. He will need all the love we have for him to pull through this." Kurt let Sam lead him to the waiting room and guide him into a chair. Kurt felt the coolness of the wall through his hair as he leaned his head back. After everything between them, Blaine had left him in charge of his life. Had trusted that he still cared enough to make the right choice. Blaine still had more faith in him than he had in himself. Even on the brink of death, Blaine was still able to reach straight to Kurt's heart. Kurt let his eyes slide closed at the thought. Sleep grabbing him quickly, though restlessly. His dreams were laced with memories of happier times when the two boys only worry was being caught by their parents. A time when life was still just out of reach, it hadn't yet swallowed them. Carefree days when love was the driving force of every decision. When life hadn't yet gotten in the way.
A sort hand pushing hair from his forehead caused Kurt to awake. It should have been no surprise that it was Mercedes. "You OK, Kurtsie?' she questioned sweetly.
"Bla-Blaine?" was the only word he could get out, still groggy with sleep. Mercedes smiled knowingly.
"He is in recovery. The doctor said it looks as though we will know in the next few hours if it helped." she sighed.
"I can't lose him, Cedes. I just can't." Kurt exhaled. Burring his head in her shoulder, the tears flowing without care. Mercedes simply wrapped her arm around the boy and let him cry. A few minutes of silence had Kurt lifting his head to see who had all come. Kurt was quite surprised to see that everyone had, including Rachel and Santana. How long had he been asleep for them to have arrived from New York already? Nick, David, Jeff, Meatbox, Rebel, and Wes had even come to support Blaine. Though Kurt had to admit even he missed the boys from Dalton. All of the New Directions, new and old, had assembled in the waiting room. Finn, Carole, and to Kurt's surprise, his father were there as well. Finn holding some sort of book that looked vaguely familiar to Kurt. Blaine had once had a book just like this one that he was never without at Dalton. Why was Finn holding Blaine's journal? Finn must have understood Kurt confused expression, handing the book over to his step-brother. "Blaine gave this to me about a week ago with specific instruction to be sure you got it if some thing were to happen to him. And, well, I guess now is the time." Finn looked scared of what Kurt might say. He took the journal, smiling at his brother. It was comforting to see everybody again, though he wished it was under better circumstances.
Time seemed to drag on forever as the rather large group waited for news. No one seemed to want to break the silence for fear that they would miss something important. Kurt was final called out of the room by Blaine's doctor. "Mister Anderson is awake. Now we aren't sure of the damages just yet but the swelling has decreased drastically. He has come out of the coma and appears to have retained all his motor skills. You my go see him if you would like." Dr. Reyes motion back towards the room Blaine had originally been in. Kurt simply nodded, returning to the others.
"Blaine is awake." Kurt announced to the crowd.
"You and Sam should go see him. The rest of us will go in shifts a little later." Mr. Shue assured. Sam walking to meet Kurt at the door. The two nodded gratefully, before exiting to join Blaine. Kurt's heart picked up it's pace as he neared the door to his ex-boyfriends room. Blaine was lounging in his bed, watching some show on the television. He glanced at the two men in the door way.
"Hi, may I help you?" Blaine asked. Sam and Kurt exchanged confused expressions.
"That's not funny, Blaine." Kurt reprimanded the boy. Blaine tilted his head as if Kurt was speaking some language he didn't understand. Fear began creeping into Kurt. Why was blaine acting like this? Acting like he couldn't remember anything? Kurts fear was cemented with Blaines reply.
"Who's Blaine?" the chocolate haired boy asked sincerely. Kurt's heart fell to his feet. He may have saved this boy's life but what good was that when he couldn't even remember who he was?