You're probably wondering, like everyone else, how I lost my eye. Since I'm not on babysitting duty for the Avengers tonight (about damn time; Agent Hill can suffer this time), I'll enlighten you…on one condition: if you ever tell Stark I'll make sure you, your whole family, even your dog are never heard from again. We clear? Alright then.
Back in my training days…hell no, I'm not telling you how long ago it was. Shut the hell up! As I was saying. In my training days there was a test to see how much the human body could endure. Sleep deprivation and starvation were the main component, but there were a lot of psychological aspects they were looking at, too. Not a lot of guys walked away from that in one piece. I lasted nearly two weeks before they kicked me out of the testing area (I still hold the record, by the way). My superiors said my testing was done, but I wasn't. I pushed myself for three more days in the barracks, ignoring my hunger and my body's need for sleep. Why? Because I wanted to know how far the human body could go before breaking, physically and mentally, now shut up if you wanna hear the rest.
Like I said, most of the soldiers left that test in various states of malnourishment and sanity. I didn't know it at the time, but I had become one of that majority. I was passing by what I thought one of the officer's lounges when I saw a can of coffee grounds on the table. Don't get ahead of me. When you've gone without food for as long as I did your mind starts to turn on you. I don't remember much of what happened next, but when I woke up in the infirmary two days later they told me I'd eaten the whole can. Turns out that "officer's lounge" was one of the labs they were developing biological weapons in. Who the fuck puts a glorified rat poison in a coffee can and just leaves it sitting out in the open?! Aside from the explosive vomiting that turned my stomach inside out, the compound had a secondary effect: some giant brains decided to have it cause the victim to go blind. Since it was still just a prototype they hadn't worked out all the kinks, so I lost only one eye. Nearly lost both, but that's neither here nor there at this point. No one ever said it to my face, but for the next few weeks the running joke had become "you'll puke your eye out".
Alright, quit laughing. I mean it.
That's it. I'm relieving Agent Hill of babysitting duty. Better than having you think this is funny.
Motherfuckers leaving their experimental bullshit just laying around. Can't even look at a coffee can without having flashbacks. This is ridiculous!
My god, this is the dumbest shit I've ever written. This was inspired by a friend who was dared to eat coffee grounds because she'd forgotten her lunch for work today. This fic is the result of that. I hope you're happy xD