Title: 35 Sleepless Nights
Disclaimer: I own nothing and nothing owns me.
Summary: Basically, drabbles revolving around Simmons and the results of him working with the Autobots. Only one OC appears in this, and it walks on four legs.
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1.) Christmas:
"…It smells like Christmas in here."
Looking up from his cluttered desk in the very back of the Autobot base, Simmons almost smirked at the comparison Sam had made to what the ex Sector Seven agent was concocting.
"Not so much kid. It's actually the paste I'm using to get a decent night's sleep for once. And don't touch that cup, that's the actual paste."
Looking within the coffee cup he had snagged for caffeine, the Witwicky boy tried not to gag at the sight within. Christmas it smelled, acidic puss it looked.
2.) Cooties:
Looking first from Simmons, then to Maggie, Ratchet tried to formulate a sentence from the information he was given about these "cooties" Sam had mentioned.
"So… It's not a deadly human illness, it's just a prepubescent myth?"
"Yes!" Both humans confirmed, waving their arms in the air, happy that the medic finally got the picture and was not going to stick needles in them.
3.) Cholera:
He was gonna kill Epps, he really was. How he had gotten into Simmons' phone was beyond the agent, but it didn't matter, because soon the buff military man would be dead at the shorter, much more wiry man's hand.
But, before that happened, he would first get Jazz to replace the agent's ringtone with anything other than Cholera Jones.
4.) Bells:
It was hard to imagine how the twins had done it, but they had. Sideswipe and Sunstreaker had not only found out where Simmons spent his days off, they had successfully flushed him out of it and kept him far away from that apartment and that hideously abusive woman, all by using simple objects that made music in bulk.
He would glitch about it for a while, but better they get him out while he was still a half decent being then when he was broken goods.
5.) Harpoon:
Standing far, far away from the giant before him, Simmons contemplated whether or not Starscream would be stupid enough to believe the stick in the agent's hands was lethal to his almost impenetrable shell. Probably not, but it was worth a try before he started shooting, right?
6.) Skin:
"Alright, I give. What do you want?"
Sunstreaker did an odd little shuffle, the vibrations making it hard for the brunette to stay standing, "Well, I was just kinda wondering… can I touch your mid-section?"
"For the love of God, why?"
"…I just want to see if you're all soft like Mojo."
7.) Brave:
"Kid, don't take it personally. She's a woman. She'll come back...Right after she thinks you've suffered enough."
Despite the ex Sector Seven agent being nice in that creepy fashion only he could pull off, Sam stayed sulking inside of Bumblebee, the car himself trying to make the breakup sting less by playing songs like Sweet Misery and What is Love for the heart-broken young man.
8.) Creeper:
"Get back here, you stupid, gay-ass mutt!"
Ignoring the pathetic, only half-clothed human presently running through their base at top speeds, trying to catch Mojo who'd decided he liked a pair of light blue socks in the agent's room, Ratchet and Ironhide continued to go about recording the event. Lennox would be so happy watching this in the hospital.
9.) Tramp:
"You have a dog!"
Leaning his head on the desk in total shame, Simmons hoped for the first time ever that either sets of twins would blow something up, or set something on fire so he could escape these women who had found his secret and brought it on base.
"He is such a sweetie, why haven't you brought him to meet Mojo or the others?" Maggie asked, running her fingers through the Border Collie's fur, Mikaela tickling his neck under the pristine leather collar. Clopin's big blue eyes watched both females, internally curious at why his master smelled so hostile towards them.
10.) White:
Cheese, especially cream or pepper jack, was not meant to reside in a person's hair. A fact that Reggie Simmons would hammer into Bumblebee's motherboard even if it killed him.
11.) Cotton:
Oh, God, what did he do? Why him, why now at this point in his life? He still had so much he wanted to do, like painting his house or walking into Victoria's Secret!
"Kid, I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to intrude! I just needed some tape for Prime! Why is there no neck-tie on this door?!"
Before he could continue to apologize and possibly run out of the whole compound altogether, Sam threw his underwear at the other man and Bumblebee revved his engine so loud the windows rattled.
12.) Pepper:
Littering the carpet he had just put in his office, the brunette looked over the muffin pieces he'd choked up an hour before and discovered yet another one of Epps' attempts to humiliate him. This was not lemon poppy seed…
13.) Lesbian:
Optimus was very perplexed. What was the purpose to this movie? All the others he'd found in the humans' rooms on base had some form of plot, some redeeming point that made it worth sitting in one spot for more than an hour. This film, however, was bordering on worthless trash to the Cybertonians, whereas it seemed a gift from heaven for the military men clustered around the screen watching the two actresses copulate.
14.) Mental:
"He almost seems harmless." Sideswipe noted absently, pushing on the hammock Simmons occupied as he recharged, eliciting little noises the trouble maker had come to identify as snoring and sleep whispers.
"Like a sleeping Frenzy." Sam added, listening to Simmons mutter about something in Russian, eyes twitching around under his lids. If they both focused really hard they could make out a couple words in English, mostly involving phones and toasters.
15.) Ginger:
Simmons couldn't say he hated going to the Witwicky house, it was more that the lady of the cozy home made him so very uncomfortable.
Seriously, she's like a 1950's debutant. Accept a cookie and take care of her kid or there'd be a shot-gun to his head and the valid threat of him being blown away both verbally and physically.
16.) Brotherhood:
He had hoped, but not expected the silver crackbot to thank him for fixing him up after the Mission City incident. He got no thanks, just a knife to the head. It took the agent less than thirty seconds to disarm the mech, but he felt bad. The poor sucker realized there was no way he'd get out by himself and started jittering in Cybertronian.
Lucky for him, Simmons derived no pleasure from the display. Five hours later, Frenzy was given the agent's cell and was left in a park to be picked up by the one cop Simmons was sure he couldn't handle alone.
17.) Office Space:
The red stapler had to die. It was not a living NBE, it was not infused with Allspark energy, and it did not matter if it was Glen's favorite paperwork item. Skids had taken to using it to physically accost any human he didn't like and seeing as he only disliked one person, the agent assigned to watch the Autobots was going to take that red office piece from hell and stick it up the bot's--
18.) Be My Bride:
"You were married once?!"
And that's when Simmons first choked on his banana cream pie during lunch at the Autobot base. He shouldn't have been surprised, really. Someone in this crew had to find out eventually, but why did it have to be the Witwicky kid? He wasn't even computer savvy, so that meant he'd tricked it out of Banacheck somehow.
"Can't I have one nice meal, just once?"
"So, what happened? She die of some horrible disease that's made you what you are or did she catch you red-handed with some bimbo?"
Pfft. Leave it to the kid to assume something simply based on Simmons less than charming personality. Oh well, it takes two to tango.
"You just reminded me; was that you and the bug last night making that horrible noise? Sounded like a two gophers being electrocuted."
19.) Labyrinth:
His foot was going to fall off at this rate. The rope hanging him upside-down was not only cutting off his
circulation, but was leaving itchy splinters in his skin. Why couldn't Jazz and Epps get nylon rope for this trick? The point was to prevent him from reaching the finish line, not leave him more pissed off than when he began.
20.) Penis:
"… I really didn't think it was something that broke." Prowl commented off-handedly, Arcee to his right cringing at the very thought, Bumblebee to his left cackling through static. Outside, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker were running from Ratchet trying to explain that they hadn't meant anything by it, they hadn't wanted to hurt the guy and begging for forgiveness. Jazz was nice enough to dig them a trench to hide in, or was it a grave?
21.) A Baby:
It had been nothing short of a miracle when Glen and Ratchet had gotten the Nokia put back together again after it was left as smoking debris in the forsaken Sector Seven base. Reacting to everything it saw as a threat, the tiny bot was almost given to Prowl for training. However, it had been Simmons that noticed the Nokia acted a lot less like a rabid spider and more like a baby wildcat.
Thus, after some bribing and threats via Mikaela and Maggie, Simmons, the very being who had given and taken life of the phonebot, was left as its caretaker and parental unit. He didn't mind so much, at least Clopin got along with the creature and acted somewhat as a surrogate brother.
22.) Stardust:
The stars above seemed to rain down across the sky, all Cybertronians on base awing at the spectacle as their human friends watched, amused by their giant friends' seeing a meteor shower for once and being able to appreciate the beauty. No doubt most of the flying space debris would burn up, but from the back of the base, not deigning to grace the others with his company, Simmons intended to check if one of those supposed meteors that landed weren't what they appeared to be.
23.) Cleaning:
"Why didn't you say you had lousy lungs?"
"It's in my file, you great, stupid yahoo. You did read my file?"
Banacheck didn't answer. Simmons knew him well enough to understand the undertone of apology in his silences and though he was very tempted to get up, grab the Lysol from the other man and spray him in the eyes with it, he couldn't. He was too busy trying to ignore Bumblebee enjoying his suffering and misery as the organic continued to breathe into a paper bag. This was why his place looked like he hadn't cleaned it since the dawn of time. When push came to shove, he could handle the dust bunnies, the slime, the sludge caked in his fridge and other little things, but confront him with heavy duty cleaning products and he couldn't even breathe.
24.) Mexican Standoff:
Both beings, organic and metal, stared each other directly in the… sight sensors. Neither was going to back down and both were evenly matched with a weapon in hand. Frenzy with his sharp knives and Simmons with his loaded gun, both fast and trained in the art of combat. However, the human in this little display had this irking little voice in the back of his head telling him to give in while he had the chance, because, really, in comparison to the little freak, he was a joke.
25.) Torn Prince:
"Oh… I'm really sorry." There was no other thing that came to mind as Mikaela watched Simmons attempt to stand still while Ratchet used tweezers he was amazed the medic could even hold onto, in order to pull the three BB gun bullets from his shoulder. The girl was expecting the other to yell at her, but he just… stood there. He didn't say anything just bit his tongue when the second bullet was pried out from his skin.
26.) Delivery:
The little medical spider standing before him seemed less amused than Simmons as the agent continued to simply lay in his bed, ignoring the cop car outside his apartment ordering Scalpel to grab the 'fleshbag' so they could get out of there and make Starscream zip his howling audio pipe.
Scalpel really wasn't sure grabbing this human was a good idea. He looked like he hadn't recharged in days and the red bot knew that those that didn't get a healthy amount of recharge tended to be more trouble than they were worth in the long run. Considering Frenzy had spoken of this agent using a flamethrower on the silver crackbot, Scalpel didn't want to do this anymore.
27.) House of White:
"One more snowball directed toward me will result in the culprit being on cleaning detail for the next month."
It was useless to order the twins to do anything, they usually do just the opposite of what their superiors told them to do, but it was worth trying wasn't it? Simmons had some minor authority over Sideswipe and Sunstreaker, right? Well, maybe not authority, but leverage by black-mail, certainly. They wouldn't risk pissing him off just for the sake of pissing him--
"Okay, that did it! Who did that?!"
"It was him," Sideswipe gave, changing to Lamborghini form and speeding out before his yellow twin could gut him.
28.) Nightmare:
"Why do I have to take him home, again?" Jazz questioned over to Maggie through his comm. link, ignorant of the agent twitching in his backseat making pathetic, sad little noises as he recharged. The saboteur was not happy to be doing this, he barely liked Simmons, let alone ever, ever been to his dwelling place. Really, Ratchet should be doing this, he was the medical officer who suggested the slag-spouter go home after passing out the third time that week at his desk.
"Ah, come on. He's unconscious, what could go wrong?"
29.) Howl:
"I'm sorry, but I'm about to go through a tunnel, in a canyon, on an airplane, while hanging up the phone. Bye." And with that, Optimus was cut off the line, Simmons shrugging at the sight of Frenzy and Scalpel gawking at the agent. If these two Decepticon minibots really wanted to kidnap him, they'd better think twice about it now, lest they be subject to a kind of torture where tools were not needed at all.
30.) Pills:
"…I'm looking, I'm looking, I'm looking…. Simmons why don't you have Aspirin, or something?" Lennox called from the ex Sector Seven man's shoebox sized bathroom, rummaging around the insides of the mirrored cabinet to at least make an attempt at being decent to the man who's head he'd slammed Ironhide's passenger door against.
"I'm allergic."
Here Lennox paused. Say what now? Who was allergic to a little household, over the counter medication and could still work with fifty foot alien robots along with the threat of being blown up every day? Was this pain in the ass suicidal?
31.) Shoulder to Shoulder:
"Overenergized… Seriously, how do you get Prime overenergized?!"
Ironhide and Ratchet at least had the decency to look ashamed as the organic before them lectured them on being mature mechs and setting examples for much more easily influenced beings and so on and so forth.
Right after Simmons voice became hoarse from all the shouting, he asked in that way that said 'there was no turning this down' for the two metal morons to drag Optimus to his berth before Bumblebee or, God forbid, Sideswipe and Sunstreaker saw him.
32.) Nipple:
"O-o-ooh, what's th-this?"
When he got out of this ridiculous situation, Simmons was so going to dislodge Frenzy's head from his body and then he'd put it on the wall of the Autobot base to annoy some other sucker.
"Hey! Don't touch that! That is unwanted—Stop! Really, cease this before—You're gonna tear it off!"
33.) Brooding:
A quiet sadness resided over the heads of everyone in the base. Even Sunstreaker who rarely felt anything for anyone but his brother was feeling, well, at a loss.
It finally happened. Simmons had quit with no reason to return and the promise of never willingly coming back.
They weren't sure why he'd quit, but they all had a feeling Bumblebee had something to do with it. An argument might have been taken too far, the mention of the torture in Sector Seven may have been brought to make the brunette feel more guilty than he already did about the event, etc. But now the Camaro was having second thoughts about the agent who, after all, treated him like every other 'Bot on base. With subtle disdain and grudging respect at the same time. Sam would support Bumblebee no matter what he chose to do about the situation, so, maybe….
"Sam, could you help me with something?"
34.) Protection:
"That is the ugliest thing I've ever seen."
"Yes, Epps, I know. It's from my mother, a little reject from her trip around Cambodia that she couldn't force on someone else."
"What does it do, exactly?" Sam asked, looking at the thing while Simmons tried to pound a nail into the wall for it to hang off of. The Autobots were happy enough to have art in their base, but the teen was unsure how they'd feel about housing "spirits."
"Well, if I was listening to her correctly, something not so easy to do, mind you, you're supposed to find an arch or doorway to hang it in and it protects you from… evil, disease, bad luck? Something along those lines."
Epps, himself, didn't think that could be right. It was a stone slab fixed in the shape of a woman twisting backwards, dreadlocks for hair fixed with cheap gems and eyes like a shark's. Nasty.
35.) Rains:
Optimus was unsure how to keep himself from chuckling. For the last seven days Simmons had been bitching and screaming, lost his own car in a parking lot somewhere and couldn't find it, made the twins cry and all because he hadn't slept in as many days, no matter what Ratchet and Banacheck did to try and help. It had gotten so bad that most of the agent's sentences couldn't be complete due to his inability to form words.
Now, a block from his apartment with the weather turning to spray buckets of water on the planet, the sound had in a way no one had expected, lulled the savage beast to sleep in the semi's leather cushions. No snoring or twitching or sleep talk, just the occasional rise and fall of the chest and even that was so shallow the commander had to check if he was really sleeping and not dead.
He'd let him sleep, with the duties and pressures of his job, Simmons deserved it.
Fin.