Title: The Imbecile and the Watchdog.
Disclaimer: Still own nothing.
Summary: In which Swindle asked something that should have been left alone for eternity… and gets something he didn't bargain for.
Warnings: Crack pairings with hints at mech/mech, mech/human interactions.
=3---=3--=3--
"Have you bonded with your human yet?"
Swindle had been very curious about the planet they had crashed upon since the moment he'd been awakened. It was so strange and more often then he'd care to remember, he had to keep himself from hacking the Decepticon Moon base computers just to learn more. Why? Because, Starscream seemed to think that what was on the human 'internet' would send him into stasis lock.
And it did the first time, too.
But, though he'd never go on the World Wide Web again, the little red race-con still wanted to learn. It wasn't enough to get information from Screamer, the Seeker was almost as ignorant as the Mini-con himself. And what he did share with Swindle wasn't particularly useful or interesting.
Thus, he gathered information from other Mini-cons that entered the Decepticon ranks. First, Leader-1, then Crumplezone and then Blackout. They, however, all proved to be quite useless in Earth matters, more interested in getting others Mini-cons and staying as far away from Swindle as possible. Crumplezone gave him some semi-delightful tidbits, but still!
His hope for information seemed dashed until (success!) the Air Defense Team was captured! They came, unfortunately, with Sideways in-tow, but it was something.
He had first spoken with Sonar, the only unit in the flying gestalt who had ping-ponged from one faction to the other and back again. Picking the jet's hard drive first for information on the enemy and then slowly, tentatively, for other little things. Like, what the land was like, and the sky and the weather.
Sonar was slow to answer, but for Swindle it paid off immensely to have a little patience. The racer learned more on the planet below in those five minutes then he had from his other "comrades" in months. In gratitude, he snuck high-grade Energon out of Megatron's private room for the white jet and his teammates.
But, a new curiosity took his previous ones' place. Sonar spoke much of the five flesh beings that inhabited the Autobots base. Human younglings, Sonar had called them. And three of them had Mini-con partners of their own.
'How would that even work?' Swindle had thought at the time.
Now, Starscream, the Star Saber and Swindle were part of the Autobots and he found out the how.
The gestalt that made up Perceptor, headed by the very first awakened Mini-con, High Wire, had greeted him quite… pleasantly. After his Bulk and Hot Shot had settled back inside after Hoist had stopped their little brawl, two of the human partnered Mini-cons had chatted with him. Both were very strange, in Swindle's opinion.
As the days passed, Swindle also spoke with the humans. Just two of them the first time, very clingy towards each other, both annoying and quick to judge Starscream.
Swindle did not like those two.
Next, he had been in vehicle mode and almost ran over the dark male and Grindor. For some reason, the human, Carlos, had apologized for getting in Swindle's way and invited him along for a game of "soccer" in the large rec. room with some of the other Mini-cons, High Wire and the other human male, Rad.
The race-con hadn't enough time to say no as Grindor pulled him along, following close behind Carlos. It seemed, to Swindle, that the skateboard and the tan male were oddly close.
And during the game, which he found to be quite enjoyable after a round, he discovered just why the two acted like that.
Sparkplug was the one who filled him in, in a hush-hush tone. Apparently, Grindor and Carlos had started dating a couple weeks before Starscream left the Decepticons, following High Wire and Rad who had started off much longer ago than even that. The Yellow Mini-con explained that "dating" was rather like Transformers bonding, a mating ritual. The human version was slower, but to most Mini-cons on base it was quite amusing.
Information like this was a dream for Swindle. There was no greater form of info than gossip. Swindle felt like he could fly, even if his team did lose the soccer game. Such was the price of giddiness.
It only got better when he found the info to be true, via stumbling quite by accident into a closet and witnessing Rad and his BMX in the throes of… well, Swindle didn't know the word. Suffice it to say he got out before they noticed him.
Though, Swindle found it weird that absolutely none of the Autobot Bulks knew of these relationships. All of the Mini-cons knew, but not their partners. That seemed odder to the red race-con than the relationships themselves.
But, he didn't dwell on it, as another rumor caught his curiosity.
Jolt told him, during a night on control room duty, in hopes of staving off boredom, that Sureshock might be following in his gestalt partners' interests. After all, it made sense. The scooter was the only one who was constantly with the only female. In either faction.
Swindle had no way to add to this theory. For some reason, that seemed more alien to him than anything on the entire planet. But then, what did he know? Sureshock and Alexis were probably the only two on base he hadn't talked to.
Until after the Mars mission, when the female spoke to Starscream.
He had been heading to check on his Bulk when he'd heard her speak to the Seeker in what Swindle could suppose was kindness… or was it encouragement? Either way, Swindle had paused in the hall to listen in on the conversation, back flat against the wall, like a felon.
She hoped Starscream would stay with the Autobots, but Starscream almost immediately replied that his only purpose was to destroy the leader of the Decepticons. Then he walked off. Not stomping like his usual immature self. How very odd.
Swindle had almost followed, but the female had discovered that Starscream had left something behind. A bejeweled rock. A souvenir.
For Swindle, that settled the rumor. But, at risk of it spreading, and him being wrong in his assumptions, he first had to speak with the pumpkin colored scooter, just to be sure.
So, he searched the entire base and finally discovered Sureshock in the med-bay, sweeping up broken glass, compliments of Long Arm and one of his less successful experiments. Swindle paused for a nano-second, before forcing himself forward. His own form towered over the scooter's hunched form.
Sureshock didn't even pause from his sweeping to look up as he asked, optics still on the floor, "Something I can help you with, Swindle?"
'Okay, that's creepy.' The racecar thought, still prepared with his question, but internally wondering if he should step back a little. Later he would realize that, yes, he should have stepped back and possibly thought this through a lot more carefully. And with a bit more tact.
"Have you bonded with your human yet?"
…And that's when life as he knew it ended.
"…I beg your pardon?" Sureshock counter-questioned, his grip on the broom handle tightening and the change of pitch in his voice sending so many warnings through Swindle's systems, it was a wonder he didn't get out when he had the chance. And the scooter was still sweeping, too.
Perhaps an explanation was in order? "Well, High Wire has Rad, I know they're dating. Grindor has Carlos and every Mini-con on base says they're dating,"Swindle endured, Sureshock getting up to put the glass in the garbage bin, "The other two fleshies have each other, gross as that is, and that leaves you and the femme—"
Before the last syllables were out of his vocal processors, the broom was flung at his helm, missing by fractions of an inch as he ducked. The dust pan followed, however, hitting the intended mark.
While the red idiot writhed in pain on the floor, Sureshock leaned forebodingly above him, "Why would you think I'd be interested in Alexis like that, hm?"
"Why did you throw that at me?!"
"I asked you first," he lighter mech really looked mad now, hands on his hips, an action he had picked up from his dear friend.
Still in pain, but trying to salvage whatever dignity he had in front of Sureshock, Swindle lifted himself from the floor, lightly rubbing the dented metal between his optics. Perhaps this time, he should think this out? He really didn't want to find out if his next mistake could cause more fatal injuries.
"Well, er, Jolt said that you and the fleshy--"
"Alexis."
"—Were getting together. I was just wondering if… You know what? Nevermind."
Scrambling up, cursing his pride, the scarlet mech made for the door, contemplating ripping out Jolt's vocals during recharge. It wouldn't be easy, what with the over-grown egg-beater's Bulk in the room. Maybe if he was really, very careful…
"Jolt?" Sureshock spoke, tilting his head as way of saying that their conversation wasn't over yet, optics shuttering to half light. Swindle hadn't noticed that before. It caused him to pause.
Now, in comparison to most Mini-cons, Swindle was kind of a bad-ass and he knew confrontational body language when he saw it. Better to answer the orange mech before a grudge formed. Please, please, please…
"Well, mostly Jolt… and myself, sorta. It's kinda what you human partnered Mini-cons do, don't you?"
Sureshock was still staring at him, but now one of his optics was completely lit, while the other was half blacked out. Rather like a human and the whole eyebrow thing. Swindle wasn't sure if that was good.
"Well," The scooter spoke, moving from threatening to sedate in a blink, "Jolt is an idiot, for one, and for another, I'm not interested in Alexis… in that way. She's my best friend, that's all."
"That's… all?" Swindle felt at a loss. Somehow, he felt there was more to this, "But, you spend so much time together, you picked up human habits—She brings you home at night!"
The scooter gave a sort of laugh that reminded the racer in a fantastically eerie way, of Cyclonus. All high pitched and yet, not, all at once.
It didn't scare him, though. It actually made him feel very defensive for his reasons, "What's so funny?"
"You are." Sureshock answered simply, turning away from him to pick up the broom and now slightly cracked dust pan. There was a spring in his step. Almost as if he was configuring a joke about this in his motherboard.
'Oh, I'm so that letting that go.'
Switching to battle mode, his wheels spinning on his shoulders, the ex-Decepticon trained racer grabbed the broom and held it out of the other's reach, "You wanna explain that?"
"Sensitive, aren't we?" Sureshock chortled, moving the dust pan, alone, into the storage closet with the air of an over-qualified maid, proceeding to lock the closet and leave Swindle alone with the broom. He could come back later for the dust pan's mate.
Bolting for the slightly shorter mech, Swindle followed him, still with the broom in hand. Had he taken a moment to realize how… odd, he looked, he might have let this whole thing go. But, no, Primus had decided he had to work for what he wanted today. Wouldn't be the first time, but would quite possibly be the most unique.
"Well, if you're not bonding with or dating her, what do you do with her, exactly?"
"She's not an appliance, I don't have to do anything with her. Our relationship doesn't work like that. Nor High Wire of Grindor." Sureshock answered, leading them into the Energon storage room. The scooter hadn't seen Swindle at breakfast that morning and supposed they both would need, at the very least, low-grade to keep up with this string of chit-chat.
Sureshock was actually enjoying this. It wasn't often he got into out of the blue conversations with strange Mini-cons he had barely given a second glance to. This was actually turning into something he'd be remembering for a long time to come. Dating Alexis? Pfft.
"Well, how does your relationship work, then?" Swindle prodded, absently sitting upon one of the many smaller chairs for the Mini-cons, around the tables and crates used for tables offered in the Energon room.
The orange mech grabbed some pink low-grade, contemplating as he handed the other a cube, "It's really very elementary, my dear Swindle. We don't own each other, which gives us the freedom to be happy. We teach each other things. Little things."
"Like?" Swindle coaxed, now highly involved as the Energon worked its way into his system, rejuvenating his circuits and filling him up. He never got this kind of refill back with the Decepticons. You got high-grade in small or large doses, or you got nothing. Half the time he had to walk around with a buzz.
"Um," Sureshock considered, trying to think of an example, "Let's see… She tells me about her emotions, like who she might consider a candidate for a mate or who she'd rather throw herself in front of a bus to avoid."
"And you do, what, teach her computer stuff and carry her around?"
"Yes and no. She doesn't like riding me without my explicit permission or unless we're in danger. She thinks it makes me uncomfortable." There was chuckling at this.
"Well, it probably is, isn't it? I couldn't imagine carrying my Bulk around everywhere." Not as though Starscream would care. He'd get a real kick out of it, Swindle would bet.
"Bulk is not an accurate term for Alexis. She weighs a good twenty pounds less than I do, so it's rather like carrying around… I don't know. Watered down mud, maybe?"
Now that was something Swindle didn't hear every day. He wondered if this was an attempt at a joke. It was hard to tell, Sureshock's voice sounded so matter of fact during their whole conversation.
"There's an image. So, she actually cares about your opinions?"
"Of course. Why, doesn't your partner?"
"I'm… not really sure. He usually just ignores me unless I do something to contradict him. In which case, I'm lucky if he doesn't flatten me while I run away." It was true. Starscream had very little patience outside of the battlefield and if you went against him, you better have an escape route planned.
Sureshock laughed at this, "Yes, well maybe he'll change. He's here after all. Stepped into the Looking Glass, as it were."
"…Come again?"
"Human saying, sorry. It means he's basically stepped into another world. Down is up, right is wrong and so forth." The cube within the orange one's hand was near empty now. Should he get another refill? Maybe not. He never seemed to handle an over-abundance of Energon. It made him queasy.
Swindle shrugged, "Be that as it may, I somehow doubt he'll change. He's been on the opposing team so long he doesn't think he can do anything right."
"You sneak into his memory files when you power link?" Something in that tone seemed judgmental, but Swindle didn't really pick up on it.
"Yeah, we all do. Don't you?"
"I can't. And I wouldn't want to. That's a horrible invasion of privacy that I wouldn't wish on anyone…" A pregnant pause, "Besides, my girl would get mad if I tried that on her. She practically unhinged her jaw and swallowed Billy whole when he found her diary and read one page. Can't imagine what she'd do to me."
A look of horror crossed the red Mini-con's faceplate. He didn't think humans could even do that. If that female could, perhaps he should warn Starscream of getting too close?...Nah."But, you still like her?"
"Of course. You would too, if you ever spoke to her."
"Eh, no thanks. I don't feel up to getting eaten by a fleshy."
Before Sureshock could reply, a rumbling that was linked to larger Transformer footsteps were heard. Followed immediately by none other than Swindle's Bulk stalking into the room, the ever present look of being pissed off at the universe imprinted in his whole frame. He seemed to be looking for something, if the way he moved his optics around was anything to go by.
Swindle had the urge to duck under the table, but stood still. Almost rigid. Sureshock just looked up, completely unafraid and gave greetings, "Hello, Starscream. Looking for something?"
Not understanding the orange mech, but not going to voice his confusion, the Seeker simply bypassed the question and pointed at Swindle, "You. Help me find the Air Defense Team. I want to do some training."
The racer sighed, about to bid the other small mech a farewell until another time, when Sureshock raised his hand to still Swindle's movements, staring back up at Starscream, "It's about five o'clock now, they're most likely in the rec. room with the kids. Rad was going to teach them dodgeball."
One of Starscream's pale optic ridges lifted and he glared at swindle,
"Translate."
Swindle sighed and did just that. In short, mono-syllabic sentences, laced with distain. At times he wondered why he put up with the Bulk. He was rude to everyone, including the racer.
And then he remembers, as the annoyance increases ten-fold on Starscream's face at the end of the translation, "I suppose I can let them alone for an hour or so—What happened to your face?"
Of course now he notices…. The red racer inwardly cursed, absently rubbing the dent one more, not seeing Sureshock cringe a little in shame.
"I…" Swindle began, but stopped short as Sureshock interrupted him.
"He was the unfortunate victim of my wrath. I was actually just going to take him to Long Arm."
Starscream was pretty positive he understood the orange mech this time, surprised that the scooter was capable of putting a dent in his partner. But, then it was always the one you least expect. He was even more surprised that Swindle obviously hadn't fought back, seeing as Sureshock lacked any dents of his own. He wasn't even scratched.
"Swindle, are we getting soft?" The bigger mech questioned, sniggering as his Mini-con raised his servos in a human gesture he'd learned from Crumplezone months ago.
"Could you give us a lift to the med-bay?" Sureshock suddenly asked, very nicely, "You're pretty fast and my partner might still want to talk to you."
This caused the Seeker's snide grin to die at an accelerated pace, a look of bafflement taking its place upon his features. His head even tilted as an added bonus. Now Swindle was sure and certain that he liked the orange scooter. He was attractive, brave in the face of an ex-Decepticon, and quick witted on top of it. Just his type.
However, Sureshock's little stall tactic was proven useless five seconds later when a fourth being entered the room. Screaming his organic lungs out in mind-numbing terror. Billy, of course.
The two red mechs in the room looked on in interest as the fleshling ducked under one of the other tables, moving the chairs so they hid his visage as much as possible, trying to look inconspicuous, keeping his eyes on the door. Sureshock, on the other hand, looked extremely wary. Nothing good ever came from this fleshling barging into a room like a hunted animal or criminal. Last time he acted like this, Sideways was carrying him to Hot Shot, acting like the good Samaritan he most certainly was not.
His suspicions were confirmed as none other than Alexis came in, at a decidedly slower, but more feral pace.
Lifting himself from his seat, Sureshock moved towards her as if nothing in the last few moments had happened, Swindle moving more towards Starscream in the event the female decided to try that jaw trick on Billy. The racer wanted a good line of sight for the action.
"Did Billy come through here?" The young brunette asked, steel in her voice, "He and I need to have a little… chat."
"What did he do now?" The scooter asked, optics not even flickering towards the trembling male. He didn't have to, really, if the boy moved everyone would hear it.
"He stole something out of my backpack… Something I had to take off during swim class in school…" Swindle vaguely recognized that her clenched teeth were a sign of aggression as she continued, "Something frilly…"
The Seeker and the racecar were drawing a total blank at the hints she was dropping, but Sureshock understood, very much so. His optics seemed to grow even brighter, both fists clenched and his entire head did a 180 in a way that reminded many of the Exorcist.
Billy's eyes were locked with the orange mech's and for a brief moment he wondered if he could scream just loud enough for the other Autobots to be alerted to his demise. Probably not. Maybe they'd at least give him a running start? Doubt it.
"You have thirty seconds to clear this room before I inflict a punishment on you that Megatron would use." Sureshock offered, holding Alexis back with just his right arm, the girl looking just as murderous, but willing to hold back. For sport, if nothing else.
Billy, for his part, couldn't believe he'd gotten a chance at life. It almost made him happy, until he took another look at Alexis. Then he sprang from under the table and chairs and sped out the door like a rabbit being chased by wolves and lions.
The scooter and female waited the designated thirty seconds, gave a short not each to Swindle and Starscream and left the room with a look both mechs were sure they'd never seen from either faction. And were probably never likely to see ever again. Delightful vengeance.
Starscream and Swindle were both positively stunned as the sounds of brutal combat were heard down the hall from outside the room. Breaking glass, moans of pain, Optimus Prime and Scavenger trying to intervene only to get chewed out and chased off…. It was like Cybertronian music.
"…Wanna watch?" Swindle asked, almost hopeful at the prospect of seeing that pumpkin mech in action. He actually enjoyed the scooter and the girl, and now that the rumor was proved completely wrong… Maybe he could make a friend.
"Eh, why not?" Starscream shrugged, picking his partner up and practically bouncing out. They both were actually looking forward to their stay now.
Swindle didn't even notice the broom was still in his hand.
--Fin.