A/N: I was having some Nana feels, and then this little piece of writing spilled out.
It's set in Chapter 83, so if you haven't read that far yet, be wary of possible spoilers.
So many tears.
They flowed from our eyes, never stopping, never ending, and all we could do to alleviate the pain was hold each other.
It was selfish.
Why was I doing this to him again? I didn't want to hurt him. I had never wanted to hurt him.
This was wrong; I had to let go, I had to push him away, I had to do something!
But the tears wouldn't stop coming, and truth be told, I needed to be selfish. I was drowning in a sea of regret, and he was the only thing keeping me alive.
He was in pain. Nana was in pain. Everyone was in pain. Ren's death had deeply affected all of us. He needed me. They all did. I had to be there for them, and wasn't I doing that right now? I was hurting too, but their pain came before mine. It always did. And yet all I could think about was the warmth of Nobu's cheek against mine, his heavy breathing brushing my collarbone. My hands were still pressed against his chest, squished tightly between us, and they didn't know what to do; rejection would hurt him, but sliding them around his torso and drawing him closer would hurt him even more.
I was his support, and he was mine.
I wanted time to stop. I wanted everything to stop. When he held me, everything felt right. The world was no longer tilted on its axis. The sun shone, the birds sang, and the tears began to dry.
I wanted to kiss him.
I wanted to pull away.
Oh, Nobu, why am I doing this to you?
His phone buzzed on in the background, his favourite song emanating from the speakers.
She was calling again.
His girlfriend.
Go, pick up, Nobu, please.
You two are happy.
I just want you to be happy.
Even as I thought that, a little voice kept on whispering in the back of my head, speaking the truth behind my desires. I want to make you happy, it murmured in a hushed, pained tone. That time is long past, I told it, resting my head against his shoulder sadly. I could faintly smell the traces of cigarette smoke in his shirt, and it reminded me of older, simpler times. But it wasn't really that long ago, was it? No, not at all.
Oh, Nobu, why did this have to happen to us?
I couldn't complain, no matter how much I wanted to. After all, I was the reason behind this rift between us. Yet here I was, standing on the edge, reaching out to the other side, to him, knowing that he would reach back, yet desperately wishing he wouldn't, wishing that I could just draw my hand back towards me and let him be.
When the ringing stopped and this deafening silence ensued, I just didn't know what to do.
I couldn't hear a thing, but I could feel my heart leaping against my ribs, and beneath my palms his heart was imitating my own.
I didn't want to look at him. If I did I might start crying all over again. I didn't want to see those sweet eyes so clouded with sadness, those beautiful lips of his unsmiling.
Oh, Nobu.
This was wrong.
This was right.
Don't let me hold you like this.
I can't do this to you.
I can't do this to her, either.
I'm so sorry.
Please understand, Nobu.
Please forgive me.
Please.