Sleepless Sam.
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Sam had never been much of a dreamer; light fluffy fairy-tale fantasies had never enchanted his sleeping hours.
His nights had brought him nothing but pain; beginning with his childish nightmares, then progressing to the demonic- fueled visions of gloom and
doom in his early twenties, evolving into the most torturing of Lucifer-hallucinations after Castiel brought down his wall.
No! The night was no friend to Sam Winchester.
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While he had been soulless, the hours of darkness had held no terror. His soulless body just didn't sleep, thus eliminating all the angst that the night usually reserved for him.
He possessed all of RoboSam's memories now, and how he envied him the ability to exist without ever having to close his eyes.
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Of course, it really would have made no difference now for his his nightmares had become his new normal.
From when he got out of bed in the morning to when he was expected to get back into it at night, Lucifer was practically omnipresent; at times
taunting; at times falsely sympathetic to his problems, at times possessive; at times pouring down ridicule on Dean when his brother showed his worry and concern for Sam's well being.
The only positive of Lucifer running amok in his brain was that he didn't have the time to dwell on what he had done as Soulless Sam.
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He understood, rationally, that without his soul he had been incomplete; a being bereft of any moral or ethical values, akin to a demon one could say; but it had still been him.
He might not have had his soul but he had still possessed his intellect and his understanding, yet he had killed without mercy whenever it had been necessary to the elimination of the monster he had been hunting.
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He hadn't told Dean anything about what he remembered, afraid that his brother, even although he was well aware that Dean loved him and would do
anything to keep him safe, would look at him in a different way, knowing that he possessed the capacity to be a cold-blooded killer.
He might even be so disgusted with him that he would turn away, and Sam knew that if Dean deserted him, it would be the end.
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No, it was almost better to have Lucifer running around in his head than to face up to those memories!
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The door opened and his brother came in; the smell of the food he carried whetting Sam's appetite, yet at the same time turning his stomach.
What a sorry piece of crap he was! How did Dean even put up with him?
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As soon as Dean entered the room, he knew that something was chewing away at his younger brother. He was so attuned to him that he could practically sense what was going through his mind.
"Sammy! What's wrong?"
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Sam looked up, giving a shake of his head and pursing his lips in fake confusion.
"What are you talking about Dean. I'm fine; well, as fine as I can be, anyway."
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"Don't give me that crap. Come on, out with it. Is that douche-bag Lucifer bugging you ?
You're going to talk sooner or later anyway, so if it's sooner we can eat in peace, otherwise you're just going to brood and pick at your food; so come on!"
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Sam just sighed. He couldn't hide anything from his brother. It was annoying at times, but strangely comforting too.
"No, he 's not here right now."
"Okay then!" Dean had his "I'm not budging from this spot until you spit it all out even if I have to stand here like an idiot for the whole week, " expression on his face.
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"It's just...well... you know that when Cas took down my wall I got all of Soulless Sam's memories back too.
I ..I ...did some really terrible things back then; things I'm so ashamed of. I...I...was a killer Dean! I had pity for nothing or no-one."
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"Sam ,you were without your soul. It wasn't you." Dean answered quietly, knowing that this was important to his little brother.
" Would you have done any of those things if you had had your soul? Answer me Sam!"
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"No..but.!"
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"Okay then; let's eat! My stomach is gonna digest itself if I don't feed the beast."
"Dean," Sam placed a hand on his arm . "Aren't you in the least bit disgusted by what I did as RobSam? I even tried to kill Bobby."
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"How many times do I have too repeat that it wasn't you, Sam? I raised you. There is nothing that you could do that would make me turn away from
you. You want me to put it in writing and sign it in blood or something? If that's what it takes...!
Now eat your diner, Sammy!"
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"Dean.. I ..thanks!"
Sam felt his heart fill with warmth at Dean's attestation of love and loyalty. He knew he didn't deserve it but he basked in it anyway.
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Not even Lucifer could spoil this moment.
He felt his brother's eyes on him and he lifted his own to encounter them. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul and as he gazed into his brother's, he saw a flicker of white behind Dean's green irises. He wondered if Dean saw the same flicker in his?
Eye to eye –soul to soul.
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XXX The enD XXXX