Notes and such: Ahh…yes, this is happens when I read one too many SNAPE IS HARRY'S FATHER! Fics. For those who write those, this is not meant to be insulting…I actually find them entertaining (Well, at least, the unique ones that are written good). But, I enjoy doing parodies. Also, there is mention of slash and "twincest" (not Fred/George mind you) which is actually done in a humorous tone…so unless you a very strict homophobic, it should be okay. (Which should be no duh, this is, after all, a parody/humor fic, and trust me…if this was one of my serious slash/twincest fics that I sometimes do, you would know.)
Disclaimer: I don't own anyone here and/or mentioned…Damn. I wouldn't mind owning the Marauders (Yes, including Peter/Wormtail) and Snape. But unfortunately, I don't. (Hmmm…Though, I have this weird idea of an AU where Snape is part of the Marauders…hmm…Now what could his Animagus form be? And his nickname?)
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Once upon a time, not so long ago...in a place called Hogy Warty Hogwarts, there's was a boy named Harry Potter, and a professor name Severus Snape who taught potions. No, they did not like each other very much. Not one bit. You see, Harry's "father", James Potter, had saved Snape's life way back when, when they were just students themselves. Yes...yes, I know, how does that deal with Harry? Well...Snapey-woo has this little thing with grudges.
Like the one with Sirus Black a.k.a Padfoot a.k.a Mr. I-Was-Convicted-Of-A-Crime-I-Didn't-Commit-And-I'm-Harry's-Godfather-Who-Can-Turn-Into-A-Grim a.k.a The Looser who tried to kill Snape way back when....now, don't get me wrong, I just adore Sirus Black a.k.a Padfoot a.k.a Mr. I-Was-Convicted-Of-A-Crime-I-Didn't-Commit-And-I'm-Harry's-Godfather-Who-Can-Turn-Into-A-Grim a.k.a The Looser who tried to kill Snape way back when, but that is besides the point. Anyway...Snape has held that one grudge on him for over 15 years or so. So has you can see, Snape is a pretty big grudge holder.
But there is another thing that most didn't know. Severus Snape had been in love (and had dated for a while) Lily Evans, who just happened to be Harry's mum. Which cause a very interesting love triangle set up there, really...On with the story.
Well, one day Snape and Harry were called down to Dumbledore's office.
"Aw. Good evening to you Severus, and to you Harry."
"But, sir, it's only noon..." Dumbledore blinked and waved his hand causing a window to come out of no where, because, after all, they were wizards. (Or 'Freaks' as Harry's Uncle Vernom and Aunt Petunia liked to call them) So, frankly, anything is possible, which becomes quiet obvious in a few moments or so.
"Ahh...right you are Harry, right you are...right you are. Now, back to the reason I called you both down here. Remus, Sirius, I think you two should take it from here." Snape and Harry then noticed Remus and Sirius for the first time, since they kind of just appeared out of no where...like apparating, which they can't do, actually, since everyone knows you cannot apparate or disapparate on and off of Hogwarts.
Anyway, Snape more or less hissed...eer...growled at those two, since like I said...Snapey-woo as this thing with grudges. Well...due to Sirius being able to turn into a Grim, and Remus being a werewolf, they just growled right back at him...(Oh! Yeah! A Dog Fight! Woof!) and after a glaring contest, we are able to go onto the barely existent plot here.
"Right, anyway...Snape do you remember back in our Seventh Year when you dated Lily, after she and James broke up?"
"There were many times they broke up, which time was this?"
"You dated my Mum? YOU DATED MY MUM?!" But, unfortunately for Harry no one was paying attention to him and so his questions of denial went more or less unnoticed.
"The third time I believe..." Moony (also known as Remus) looked at Padfoot with a judge.
"I thought it was the fourth, but it doesn't matter, actually...all I know it was during November of our seventh year..."
This is when Snape froze. "It was in November? I thought it was in May..."
"No, that was the year before that...and that's when you and Remus were dating."
"I thought I dated Remus in January of our sixth year..."
"That was Peter." Snape blinked for a second...
"I thought I dated Peter back in our second year..."
"That was when we dated you greasy git..." Anyway, after an hour discussion on who had dated who back in their time at Hogwarts and leaving a poor confused Harry...
"YOU DATED MY DAD?!" Harry shouted.
"Eeer...actually, it was Sirius and your Dad that dated…No, wait, I did date your Dad...back in our third year, I believe."
"Did everyone date everyone at one point in time?!"
"Yes...I believe, I think there was a threesome running around once too...What?! We were hormone driven teenagers with magical powers and our Muggle-Studies teacher's favorite Muggle thing was Soap-Operas!"
Then suddenly, Remus and Sirius remembered why they were all here in the first place because the non-existent plot needed to actually go somewhere.
"Yeah...well, umm...yes. Eer...Remus?"
"Why do I always have to explain stuff like this! YOU WERE JAMES BEST FRIEND AND HARRY'S GODFATHER! YOU EXPLAIN IT TO THEM!" Sirius and Remus then decided the only way to decide who would tell was to have a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors...in which Remus won.
"Dammnit..." Sirius mumbled under his breath, then took a deep breath.
"Snape...do you remember what year that our seventh year was in?"
"Oh yes...it was the1979..." Both Harry and Snape suddenly paled (Can Snape actually get any paler?)
"But would November of 1979 is nine months before July of 1980..." Sirius and Remus nodded.
"YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT POTTER/PROFESSOR SNAPE IS MY SON/FATHER?!" Both Snape and Harry screeched at the exact same time...and Sirius and Remus both nodded.
"Exactly."
Harry was not believing this. Professor Snape, his father? That is almost as bad as having Voldemort some how being related to him.
Professor Snape was not believing this, either. Harry Potter, his son? That is almost as bad as having Sirius has his brother!
"But...but...Then why do I look exactly like my Da…I mean, James if Snape is my father?" Harry asked Remus and Sirius, which had them both stomped.
"We have no idea...um...Dumbledore?" So, once again, Dumbledore took the stand. (You know, the purple one with pink Pokka-dots?)
"Ahh...yes, the reason is, um...because Snape is…Eeer…James's long lost...identical! Yes, identical twin brother who was secretly kidnapped by Mr. and Mrs. Snape when he was born!...And, who have secretly been giving Snape the Polyjuice Potion since he was one! Yes, that is it!"
"Ew...I dated my own brother? TWIN BROTHER?!"
"What?! It was the only explanation I could come up with!"
Everyone was silent...continued to be silent 'til Sirius started humming, and everyone else started twiddling their fingers...
"Well...um...Why don't you two have some father/son bonding, so we can end this?!" Remus suggested after an hour of twiddling his thumbs and listening to Sirius hum. And everyone nodded.
"I love you...eer...son..."
"I love you to...eer...Dad?" They, then, went into a father/son hug, that caused everyone else present in the room to go...
"Aww..."
The End (Thank God!)