Knowing Is Half The Battle
an Angry Beavers Fanfic
by Save Fearow
Author's Note: Daggett is very susceptible to certain online scams. Those phony "test your intelligence!" pop-up ads are among the first things he'd click, if left to surf the Internet unsupervised.
Daggett never had difficulty entertaining himself, even when Norbert wasn't around to get teased, tweaked, or tussled with. In fact, some of Dag's more brilliant plans started because the elder brother WASN'T there to discourage him from having any fun. It was one of a handful of reasons why Daggett actually permitted Norbert to chase after spoot-headed Treeflower, getting Norb out of the dam left Daggett with plenty of free time to pursue his own interests. And right now, he was interested in gaining access to Norbert's state-of-the-art entertainment center.
He didn't care too much for the video games (there were only so many times Link could attack that stupid exposition fairy before the game got old) but the computer looked to have definite possibilities. Norb, in his haste to meet up with the most "bodacious beaver bay-beh" had actually left the laptop still turned on, although he had logged out of the instant messenger program, darn it! One of these days, Daggett was going to bypass that spooty password-protection system, then bang zoom! To the chatroom!
At least he could use the search engines as much as he wanted. There were so many great subjects he could look up, where to begin? Maybe he should look up something incredible, like Muscular Beaver! Daggett began pecking at the keyboard. I-N... how did you spell 'incredible'? A list of suggestions came up while Daggett was still pondering whether a 'k' or a 'q' was next. 'Intelligence Test' was offered on the very first page. And it was free, so Norbert couldn't even object about the cost! In fact Daggett was saving money, by proving once-and-for-all that he was a smart and sophisticated beaver, he and Norbert could side-step many arguments about bill-collectors (it seemed Norbert was finally becoming suspicious about all those 'Bill Me Later' magazines Daggett sunscribed to, that were inexplicably paid for by a third party, while at the same time Norb's own savings were dwindling at a fractionally-larger pace. If Norbert would just learn to share, they could avoid these discussions on fiscal responsibility. But Norbert would never raise such complaints if he thought those were supplemental reading material, used to further his already-studious brother's academic advancements.)
Daggett smiled eagerly as he clicked the link. Their first question was sooo easy, Daggett couldn't see how anybody could ever get it wrong! 'What date does July 4th fall on in China?' the question read. Daggett chose 'January 1st' from the list of answers, he'd heard all about how China had their own New Year's customs. The next category was about pop culture. 'Is Internet blogger Perez Hilton associated with any hotel chains, yes or no?' Daggett didn't even have to think THAT one over. They could see advertisements for the Hilton during Super Late Insomniac Only Monster Movie Specials' numerous commercial breaks. So obviously, anyone named Hilton was automatically connected to that franchise, duh. The website then asked him about a current historical figure. 'Who is the current Prime Minister of the United Kingdom?' Harry Potter was the only wizard on a list full of muggles, so Daggett went with him by default. Oh dear, maths. They wanted to know 'what is the square root of 9?' Daggett chose 911, he liked the Reno show that took place there. Another round of geography, eh? 'Which language is most commonly spoken in Brazil?' Daggett selected Brazilian, he still remembered a humorous argument between Norbert and Barry on the value of getting a Brazilian wax.
Page 2 was just as exciting as the previous round! 'Mary, who is 16, is four times as old as her brother Ben. How old will Mary be when she is twice as old as Ben?' This was pretty straight-forward arithmetic. 16 + 4 = 20, so that's how old she would be! The next question tried to fake him out. 'If you rearrange the letters LNGEDNA you have the name of a what?' Obviously, this was talking about some legendary beast, so Daggett chose Animal as his answer. 'Which shape has the most sides, square, pentagon, hexagon, or octagon?' They were always taking sides at the Pentagon, so clearly this was a question related to politics. 'What time do you have to wake up if the drill sergeant tells you that you have to get up at oh-six-hundred-hours?' Daggett always felt at his most refreshed if he got up around 10 AM, so presumably the Army operated under the same guidelines. 'Which of these cities is located in a country with a coastline on the Mediterrean Sea? Quebec, Rome, Sydney, or Nairobi?' Daggett had never heard of most of these places, Quebec in particular seemed made-up. But Sydney sounded a lot like sea, so it was probly surrounded by water.
The next page gave Daggett a real chance to flex his brain-power. 'If all Bloops are Razzies, and all Razzies are Lazzies, then all Lazzies are Bloops. True or false?' Since none of those words even existed, it had to be false! 'Who died first, Genghis Khan, Alexander the Great, Marie Antoinette, or Julius Caesar?' Everybody still talked about the salad guy, so Caesar's death must be fairly recent. Genghis Khan, though, he sounded particularly smart and memorable, so Daggett chose him. 'How many months are in a decade?' Months were less than decades, and decades were less than centuries, ergo if you combined the two you'd have the same amount of time as a century, 100! And Norbert thought he couldn't apply logic, ha! 'Serval, caracal, lynx, and oncilla are all types of what?' Musical instruments, Daggett decided. They'd probly be awesome if they were all used in a band together (just as long as Norb and Treeflower didn't try to join in, both of them were hacks.) 'Fall is to Summer as Monday is to what?' Friday, that was the best night of the week, you went from worst season to best one, and the days followed the same pattern!
Page 4 contained the final questions, and Dag was ready for them all. 'A, S, D, F, G, H, J. What letter comes next in this sequence?' How spooty, where was Dag ever going to see letters arranged like that? As long as the letters were random, he picked V as in Unneccessary Sequel V, that was one of Oxnard Montalvo's finest performances. 'Which one of these things doesn't belong? Brother, sister, parent, or company?' Dag never wanted to keep company with Norbert, so it had to be the brother that nobody wanted! 'What is the maximum number of years a US President can serve in office?' Daggett was already President For Life of the Superpowered Orthodontically Inclined Cape Wearer Society, so everybody must follow the same rules, presidents could be elected forever! 'These numbers follow a pattern. 5, 10, 3, 8, 1. What comes next?' Daggett realized -4 was the smallest of all possible choices, and since 1 was smaller than 5, it only made sense that the numbers would keep decreasing. 'The Danube river generally flows in what direction?' If they built a proper dam it wouldn't flow AT ALL, but Daggett guessed that it flowed primarily north, since that was the only direction he could find on a compass.
The results were in! According to the web page, Daggett's scores were so far from the average, they were off the chart! This meant only one thing! "I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T!" Daggett proclaimed happily.
Norbert strolled back to the dam, elated from his visit with Treeflower. He still had some of her lipstick smeared on his fur, and he didn't even want to wash it off immediately.
"Your lipstick stains, on the front lobe of my left side brains,
I knew I wouldn't forget ya, and so I went and let ya blow my miiind!" he sang cheerfully.
"Norby, Norby, Norby, you'll never guess what!" Daggett called out to him.
Norbert eyed his brother, who was now wearing one of those labcoats like Pete and the other scientist. "It's a nice idea, Dag-a-long, but usually one has to be DEAD before they leave their brain to science." he quipped.
"And they're really gonna want mine, because I'm a genius! I took this online quiz, eh, and it told me how smart I am!" declared Daggett.
"You were in one of MY rooms? And you ADMIT to it? Daggett, that alone proves your stupidity." Norbert insisted. "Remember when you thought 'Sudoku' was the name of an actress in Tokyo Terror A-Go-Go? Or when you assumed flame retardant meant a firefighter with special needs?"
"That was before my confirmation as an intellectually superior member of the mammalian species. See, I can pronounciate mammalian now." Daggett asserted.
"Believe me, the way a beaver enunciates is NOT in-day-ca-tive of his cranial capacity for know-lidg-uh." argued Norbert.
"Oh, that reminds me! I need to borrow your reading glasses, eh. Smart people wear them." explained Daggett.
"No! They may be uncool but they're not useless. That's one of my benchmarks for distinguishing my poss-eh-say-ons from yours." huffed Norbert.
"Poor deluded dimwit. Envy is an expected reaction when confronted with a beaver brother, par Excalibur." Dag announced smugly.
"It was just a stupid Internet quiz! You can't believe everything those websites say! Just last week, one of them diagnosed moi as having an 'Inferiority Superiority Complex'. That's the kind of condi-shay-on where an individual brags about themself constantly to conceal a long-standing insecurity." Norbert paused. "C'mon! Everybody knows I'm awesome incarnate!" he smiled, a little -too- brightly.
"Oh, Norby. No one is going to incarnate you. They have no evidence you've ever commited any felonies." Dag reassured his elder sibling.
"Do you understand the words that are coming out of my mouth? You're an idiot!" hollered Norbert.
"I understood everything, including the part where YOU messed up, eh. That's why I'm the genius, and you're not." declared Daggett.
"You couldn't be the resident genius among a group of kindergarten students who were being quizzed on state capitals. In French. Using a map of the former U.S.S.R. On a day where everyone else's limbs were tied together and they had to hold the pencils in their teeth!" Norbert yelled after him. Daggett just turned around, and walked back to their home. Norbert yanked at his own fur in frustration. It was going to take another precise 100 strokes with his brush to even the part out again, but he was too annoyed to care about that right now.
It wasn't any easier dealing with Daggett inside the dam. He invited all their male friends over for a display of his 'geni-osity'. Norbert decided to re-read his copy of Tolstoy's 'Crime And Punishment' to remind him of why he shouldn't just strangle Dag.
"The sum of the square roots of any two sides of an isocoleces triangle is equal to the square root of the remaining side." boasted Daggett, in front of the audience he'd assembled in the living room.
Norbert hardly even glanced up from his paperback novel. "That's a right triangle, Spootius Maximus!" he corrected.
Daggett waved the criticism aside. "It's just the glasses making him appear smarter. Ordinarily, he's dumb as a box of rocks." Daggett clarified.
"I could do great things with a rock, right now." muttered Norbert.
"Rocks take a lot of time to develop fully, just like Norb. We shouldn't make him feel TOO bad about his limitations, eh. It's hard to room with someone as brilliant as I is." stated Daggett.
"Oh sure. I can see it written all over your face." Barry lied.
"Close. The nametag is on my labcoat. Daggett Doofus Beaver, Super Genius." Dag helpfully pointed out.
"I didn't know 'super' had that many P's. Boy, you learn something everyday!" Bing acknowledged.
"That's the spirit, keep reaching for the stars Bing my protege. E platypus max factory!" Daggett cheered.
Norbert slammed his book shut. "I can't deal with this en-veer-o-ment." he confessed.
"Don't quit on us, Norby. Maybe someday you'll make it through an entire book." encouraged Daggett.
Norbert's eye twitched as he dramatically removed his glasses. "I will use small words so you know what they mean. You. Are. Not. Bright!" snapped Norbert.
Daggett nodded sagely. "Monoliths, that's very clever. Wouldn't expect if from you, eh?" Dag offered as a back-handed compliment.
"MONOSYLLABLES!" Norbert roared.
"No, that word was too long. Do you need my help?" Daggett asked.
"There is no help for you!" Norb retorted.
"Monoliths. You're getting the hang of them." Dag allowed.
"Gah! I am -so- tempted to move to Easter Island... or at least the mud puddle out back. 'Foster' didn't know how good he had it!" Norb complained.
"That was very tragical, how you misinterpreted your entire life story. If only Mom had let me use the camera eh, then we could all share vivaciously in your sorrows." Daggett assured him.
"Vicarious-oh, why am I bothering?" groaned Norbert. "I'm going to bed."
"Mom made him go to bed, after we all took care of poor widdle Norbikins. I have the best nurse's costume from that day, wanna see it?" Daggett inquired of his friends. Stump, Truckee, Barry, and Bing, suddenly all remembered various appointments they have made earlier.
Daggett couldn't get any response from his brother when he entered the bedroom. It was a shame because Dag really wanted to boast some more, but Norb made it very clear that he was already asleep. "Zzz... I'm asleep... zzz... not a peep... zzz... you are dumb." Norbert mumbled in between snores.
Poor Norb, doomed to clearly inaccurate dreams. Daggett closed his eyes, and envisioned himself winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
"Friends, colleagues, beloved family... and Norbert! I am proud to accept the honor you have bestowed upon me for my smartishness. With my super deluxe X-Ray Visi-O-Scope everyone can enjoy the wonder of seeing what their neighbors look like with their underwear on the outside! Incidentally, Norbert's wearing a lavender speedo, that says 'Treeflower Digs Me'. A little desperate there, eh bro?" Daggett intoned.
Norbert blushed furiously. "I have no brother." he grumbled. "Just an embarassingly awesome younger sibling who I've secretly been jay-loss of my entire life."
"Please, it was never a secret. Let's party!" Daggett yelled. Everybody got up and did 'the Macarena'. It was the best awards ceremony ever.
Daggett awoke with a yawn and a stretch, wishing he could remember the truly fantastic dream he'd just had. Norb had looked like a total spoot-head, that was always a bonus.
"Hello, Dag." Norb greeted him downstairs with a scowl. Treeflower was also sitting on the living room couch, but Dag willfully ignored her.
"Hey, Norby! Last night was awesome. What did we do again?, I forgot." Daggett admitted.
"Let me remind you." Norbert pulled out one of Barry's favorite records and placed it on the turntable.
"Ooh, new soundtrack! Dramatic reverb, dun dun duuun!" Dag clapped his paws in delight.
"Because you had to be a big shot, didn't cha
You had to open up your mouth
You had to be a big shot, didn't cha
All your friends were so knocked out
You had to have the last word, last night
You know what everything's about
You had to have a white hot spotlight
You had to be a big shot last night, oh whoa!" Norbert sang, karaoke-style.
Daggett was impressed. "Wow Norby, did you come up with that all by yourself or did you have help?" he wondered.
"I didn't write it. Some old New York singer did." Norbert confessed as he put the record away. "But my point is still valid! I even invited Treeflower over to talk to you."
"But she's not my type. I like my girls shiny, wiggly, and metallic." Daggett told him.
"I never thought I'd be grateful for your lunacy, but there it is! Treeflower has graciously agreed to give you the same tests SHE took to gain membership into MENSA." explained Norbert.
"That's a female thing. Remember how cranky Mom would get once a month?" Daggett asked.
Norbert looked queasy. "I guess I'll be skipping this morning's soy latte. Treeflower, babe, he's all yours." Norb declared as he sauntered outside to throw up in the bushes.
Treelower smiled nervously. "Okay, Dag? These tests won't take long, and they're perfectly painless." she assured him.
"I'm ready!" Daggett claimed.
By the time Norbert's stomach no longer felt like emptying its contents, he judged that Treeflower and Daggett would have finished their quest for genius. "What's the story, morning glory?" he inquired upon re-entering the dam.
Treeflower favored him with a sad smile. "Dag's not a genius. We did several tests, and discovered he's a high-functioning autistic." she informed Norbert.
Daggett came bursting out of the room, bedecked in a large smock and false moustache. "I'm a true recon-a-sozzle beaver!" Dag announced.
Norbert opened his mouth to deliver a cutting remark, then shook his head. "No, that one's too easy." he decided.
~~~ The End.
Author's Note: My apologies for the delay. We've been busy and there was a minor power outage a few days ago, disrupting our Internet service and draining the battery. I do believe Daggett has hidden treasuries of knowledge, but that test really didn't cater to his specialties. Norb's online analysis, is probly FAR more accurate than he wants to admit. (He's awesome! Come on!) Reviews are appreciate.