Hey guys, I'm back! Just a oneshot this time, so nothing to get super excited about, but still, it's better than nothing. I was watching the filler arc where the zanpaktos rebel, and after watching Hitsugaya's fight, this idea hit me and kind of took off. So here's the result of my late night Bleach binge :)
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. I only own my own ideas.
Hitsugaya Toushiro was not quite sure where he belonged. Oh sure, there were plenty of places where he was supposed to be. The office for one, taking care of the excess paperwork. Being a taicho came with its fair share of responsibilities. But that wasn't what he was looking for. No, Hitsugaya wanted a place where he could rest his soul. A place where he could be utterly and truly himself, with no mask, no icy front, no proud exterior. A place where he felt genuinely at home.
He didn't have one.
He thought for a while that he belonged with Hinamori. She was his sister, his oldest friend, and the person he had vowed to protect, even at the cost of his life. But Hinamori had left him alone. She had gone off to become to a shinigami, abandoning him in Rukongai. She had changed her allegiance to Aizen, and placed all her hope and trust in him, without regard for Hitsugaya's feelings. Even when betrayed, Hinamori still went back to the man. So Hitsugaya had to be strong. He had to be her shoulder to cry on, her rock, her savior. He couldn't tell her how he really felt about anything because he couldn't appear weak in front of her. If something was troubling him, he couldn't possibly discuss it with her. She had enough of her own problems. And after everything he had done to her, he owed it to her to be there for her, to take away as much of her pain as possible. But, while she could open up to him and share with him everything that was on her mind, he couldn't do the same to her. And so, Hinamori was not where he belonged.
After Hinamori left, he thought he belonged with his grandmother. He loved her dearly. She was the one who had raised him, despite her age, despite her fragility, despite the fact that everyone else around them was afraid of him. That small house in Rukongai would always be a place that Hitsugaya could call home. But Hitsugaya had hurt her. As a child, his budding shinigami powers had injured her, freezing her every night and worsening her already weakened state. So he had to be strong. He had to become a shinigami to protect her. He had to pretend that he wasn't afraid, that he wanted to be a shinigami, that this was the right path for him. He had left her alone after everything she had done for him. And so, whenever he was with her, he had to stay strong. He wanted her to be proud of him, to see how much he had grown, and what a powerful shinigami he was. Any fears or misgivings had to be kept to himself. He never wanted to harm her again. So, while his grandmother's house was the place he called home, it wasn't where he belonged.
Hitsugaya thought he found where he belonged as 10th squad taicho. A prodigy, and the youngest taicho in history, Hitsugaya felt great pride in his position and took it very seriously. Standing amongst the strongest shinigami in Soul Society on a daily basis, it certainly seemed that he had found somewhere to belong. But Hitsugaya wasn't kidding himself. He may be one of the thirteen best shinigami in Soul Society, but if you ranked them all on a scale of strength, he was the weakest. Any of the other taichos could best him in a fight. As much as it pained him to admit it, he wasn't foolish enough to believe otherwise. His bankai was still immature and he didn't have the stamina and raw power of some of the others. Being young, he also lacked the wisdom that comes with centuries of experience. He was the junior taicho, in age, abilities, and years of service. So he could never appear weak. To maintain his pride and respect, he had to prove every day that he was worthy of his position, and that meant maintaining his frosty exterior and emanating nothing but strength and fortitude. 10th squad taicho was his title. It wasn't where he belonged.
At long last, Hitsugaya thought it might finally be possible to belong with Matsumoto. She was flighty and ditsy, but very warm, and he trusted her implicitly when it counted. If he showed a bit of weakness to her, he knew she would comfort and console him, but still respect him just as much as before. Probably more than before if truth be told. But Hitsugaya found it difficult to truly open up to her. Honestly, her spirited personality intimidated him. Matsumoto had no qualms about teasing him ruthlessly, and the thought of bringing such teasing upon himself frightened him. Whenever he tried to get closer to Matsumoto, something always held him back. Maybe it was because he was her superior, or maybe it was because he did not, under any circumstances, want their relationship to resemble a mother and a child, but Matsumoto just could not be the emotional oasis that he was seeking. So, while he couldn't imagine having anyone else as his fukutaicho, Matsumoto was not where he belonged.
And then he met Karin. Karin, with her go-get-em attitude, her sharp tongue, and her steely determination, was not a person Hitsugaya ever saw himself getting along with, but somehow, he was unwittingly sucked into her pace. Being with Karin wasn't quite like being with anybody else. Karin didn't need him to protect her. She didn't need him to be strong, or proud, or brave. She didn't care about his rank, she wasn't afraid of his cold personality, and she certainly wasn't about to depend on him to be the sole source of stability in her life. She was independent and strong-willed, but at the same time, compassionate and understanding. Karin didn't laugh at him when he put his guard down. She would listen to him attentively, nod with sympathy, give him the support he so desperately needed, then punch him in the arm and drag him off to play soccer. Somehow, Karin always said exactly what he needed to hear. When he was with Karin, all his painstakingly constructed walls melted like butter. He wasn't 10th squad taicho. He wasn't Hinamori's crutch, his grandmother's protector, or Matsumoto's superior officer. He was just Hitsugaya Toushiro, with all the joy and all the pain that came with it. And Karin accepted him for who he was. He could trust her. He could feel safe with her. He could belong with her.
And so, at long last, Hitsugaya Toushiro had a place where he really, truly, felt he belonged.
I've never written a story with no dialogue before, so I don't know if it really worked or not. It's much less HitsuKarin-y than anything I've ever written, but I decided that it wouldn't really add much to the story, so I left it out. The romance is there if you squint. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed my ramblings.