Usual disclaimers apply.
Tribute to Monty Python's Parrot Sketch. And because Hugh Dancy's and Michael Palin's Galahad seems to always get disturbingly mixed up in my mind...
(SCENE : The mess at fort Camlann, Hadrian's Wall. GALAHAD sitting quite happily with pint. He spots something, or rather someone, and immediately ducks under table for cover. Enter TRISTRAN.)
TRISTRAN :(enters, limp looking hawk under his arm) I wish to register a complaint. (looking at GALAHAD's boots puzzled) hello, Miss?
GALAHAD :(ducking out from under table) what d'you mean 'Miss' ?
TRISTRAN : That you're a girl, now shut up and listen. I wish to make a complaint.
GALAHAD : Sorry, my shift is just coming up...
TRISTRAN : Never mind that my lad I wish to complain about this hawk, what I picked up not half an hour ago after it having been in your care(puts Hawk on table).
GALAHAD : oh yeah the Harris Hawk, what's wrong with it?
TRISTRAN : I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead, that's what's wrong with it.
GALAHAD: No, no, it's resting, look...
TRISTRAN: Look, my lad, I know a dead hawk when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
GALAHAD : No no it's not dead, it's resting.
TRISTRAN:(scepticly) resting?
GALAHAD : Yeah. Remarkable bird the harris hawk. Beautiful plumage, innit...
TRISTRAN: The plumage doesn't enter into it. She's stone dead.
GALAHAD : No, no, she's resting!
TRISTRAN: All right then if she's resting I shall wake her up. HELLO, HAWK, I GOT A NICE BIT OF BEEF JERKY FOR YOU WHEN YOU WAKE UP!
GALAHAD : (pushes the dead bird) There, it moved!
TRISTRAN:(dryly) That was you pushing it.
GALAHAD : (aggrieved) I did not...!
TRISTRAN : Yes, you did. (picks up Hawk) HELLO HAWK!... HAWK...!!! WAKEY WAKEY! (slams bird in table a couple of times) HELLO, HAWK, WAKE UP! HAWK! (throws in air.)
TRISTRAN&GALAHAD : (Both watch as hawk corpse lands miserably on floor).
TRISTRAN:(Glaring back at Galahad) Now that is what I call a dead raptor.
GALAHAD : No no, it's stunned!
TRISTRAN: Look my lad, I've had just about enough of this. That hawk is definitely deceased. And when I picked her up not half an hour ago, you assured me that her lack of movement was due to her being tired and exhausted after 'a long squawk'.
GALAHAD : She's probably pining for the steppes!
TRISTRAN:Pining for the steppes?! What kind of talk is that?! Look, why did she fall flat on her back the moment I got her home?
GALAHAD : Well, you know, a harris hawk prefers kipping on its back. Remarkable bird ain't she, beautiful plumage...
TRISTRAN: Look, I took the liberty of examining her. And I found out the reason that she was dead, in the first place, was that she had been shot through the left wing with an arrow.
GALAHAD : Well of course she would have to be shot! Otherwise, you know, she'd just muzzle up the foot-string and VUUM!
TRISTRAN:(Very tiredly takes out knife, hamstrings GALAHAD).
GALAHAD : (screams)
TRISTRAN : (leaves scene without further ado)
GALAHAD : (whimpering, clutching knees) If you want to get out of a tight spot with him, you gotta talk crap until you're blue in the mouth...