iPik
Congratulations for clicking on this fic. You probably did it out of curiosity or for an iPik. Unfortunately Apple, pear, mango or banana have not come out with an iPik yet (Will probably have one by the time you are done reading this fic, you know the market these days, targeting young innocent youth such as ourselves). The reason for the iPik was to draw you into viewing the fic, yes it is bad form of advertising but it is clever no?
I felt like doing some more comedy today and what better place to put it than in the pikmin section?
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Disclaimer: I do not own pikmin or Apple. Congrats to the people who do, you're a lot richer than me.
Read each paragraph with two teaspoons of sugar for maximum comic value
Also note that everything will probably be four steps down in quality from my story Spored. This includes: Speeling and an Grammer, lack of interesting words, your…attention…span. Lack of paragraph structure Etc, etc. And words that don't even exist.
Not so long ago there was a gaming company named Nintendo. Surprisingly it seemed to entertain practically everyone with their odd vivacious ideas (Plumbers battling apes, plumbers battling turtles, little Santa's elf looking kid battling a blue pig). Recently Mr. Miyamoto came up with a new gaming idea. It involved little carrot creatures beating the pulp out of cabbages and giant ladybugs (Same guy who had the elf fighting the blue pig). Everyone loved it and the game immediately went into production. Thus "Pikmin" was born.
When it was released Pikmin was a great success. It made a lot of money (Everyone's #1 priority) and was highly approved by critics; except one British guy in a bad mood.
Here's an excerpt.
"…Pikmin is possibly the most retarded game since (List most retarded game here). I don't see how cute little vegetables can appeal to everyone. I mean don't we bloody hate vegetables? People say OMG they so cute!! But they are freakin' murderers! Actually you might say that's a great thing but how do they kill those monster? Blast the hell out of 'em with some big guns? k no! All you do is throw the pikmin on and watch them whack the monster with their LEAVES! That's all you do in the bloody game, throw pikmin. "Hey John, how you gonna get the springy thingy" "Oh I'll just throw my pikmin up there!" "Smashing idea!" "Rather!""
However the review was highly ignored. Miyamoto released the true potential of the series and soon started to develop a sequel. The sequel was highly acclaimed by critics, except for the British guy.
"Okay so now they've got two players in here and it's all looking good until you realize there is no cooperative play. Bloody Hell! I mean I guess it's a good thing as you might disagree with your partner a lot. "Jim, keep throwing the pikmin!" "It's not doing anything maybe we should…" "Keep throwing!"
For some reason the sequel did not make as much money as the first one did. Maybe it was because the two new pikmin considerably lowered the "cute!" factor of it all. I mean one has whiskers and body hair and the other looks like E.T. Unfortunately this caused Nintendo to not make an immediate sequel…
…Which pissed Olimar off at lot.
Olimar, the one and only. The hero of the pikmin franchise. Chubby, balding yet still "cute!" in some odd way.
He had a right to be pissed off. He had nothing to do! Pikmin 2 had left him on the planet. So that's where he was everyday until day 999 where everything would restart, much to his annoyance. And he was stuck with two of the biggest losers in video game history.
On this very day (Right now when you're reading this fic…Yeah I know life coverage!) Day 649 3rd generation. Olimar had landed at the perplexing pool and was lying lazily on the ground. He had dismissed the pikmin and was now watching them from the shade.
Louie approached him. "Howdy Olimar, how are you enjoying this 15 minute day?"
Olimar sighed and did not bother to answer as Louie was already looking up into the sky.
"Fascinating how fast the sun moves no?" Louie remarked.
Olimar sighed again. "Louie what have I told you about the sun before it…"
"Yeah, yeah that ridiculous theory of yours. The sun doesn't move, the earth rotates. What a stupid idea", Louie chuckled to himself. "Say, if the earth is spinning why aren't we all dizzy?" Upon saying this Louie tried to spin himself. He failed, tripped over a pebble, fell, and cracked his helmet.
Ignoring Louie, Olimar turned his gaze towards his group of pikmin. It was interesting to watch what the pikmin did when they were dismissed. Currently groups of red had lit their leaves on fire and were inhaling the fumes. Two blues were beating up a yellow that had drunk up a newly discovered nectar pile. A white pikmin had dyed him self black and was slitting his leaf. A purple pikmin was "it" for tag and would probably be for the rest of the day.
A sound distracted Olimar from his viewings. He turned around to find "loser #2" waddling towards him. Shyacho had been searching for more treasure with a group of pikmin this morning and was returning with a group of pikmin of considerable smaller size.
"What happened this time," groaned Olimar. "You did remember that throwing the pikmin into the buborb's "slot" does not get you a prize?"
"Stupid pikmin are too weak, they need more power!" The president replied angrily in his voice that would make Mickey Mouse proud.
"You just need a simple strategy!" Olimar snapped back.
Louie looked up and gave a lunatic's grin. 'We should give them steroids."
Olimar raised an eyebrow and shook his head.
"Red bull?" Louie offered again. "It will give them wings."
"I will not have pikmin indulging on my energy drinks," whined Shyacho.
"How about super strength spray?" Louie held up a bottle filled with lime green liquid.
"Super strength…hold on what berries did that come from?" Olimar asked.
Louie smiled. "The one's with the funny colours…"
"Uh-huh, super strength my ass," Olimar hesitated. "Not a good idea."
"Olimar I will not hold up for this nonsense," The president snorted. "The pikmin must become stronger!" The president nodded to Louie who whipped the bottle in the direction of the pikmin before Olimar could do that whole slow motion "NOOOOOO" thingy that you always see in movies.
Louie was quite a good thrower as he managed to hit a pikmin straight in the eye. As that pikmin clawed at his deeply cut face, lime green gas rolled over the rest of the pikmin, engulfing them. Much to Olimar's surprise the pikmin seemed to like it, they absorbed it through their pores and welcomed it into their bodies (The red pikmin liked it better than the old fumes), they were addicted.
The more remarkable thing happened after the gas had dissipated. The pikmin paused a second before standing up and marching to their Onions in a single file line. There was no blow from Olimar's whistle to guide them, they did it independently.
"It's like they have hangovers," piped in Louie. "I need to try some of the green stuff."
"Too late now," said Olimar. "Only a minute until the sun sets."
"Or until the Earth turns away from the sun," Louie snickered.
'We shall see how the pikmin behave tomorrow," Shyacho said in his usual high pitched voice (That must be Helium he's breathing instead of Co2 Olimar thought). "Hopefully we'll be able to crush the opposition."
Olimar knew it was a fact; he had the two worst possible people as sidekicks. Without him he wondered what they would do with the pikmin.
"The new restaurant "de Pik" is finally open. Eat the most delightful vegetables ever found on the face of any planet! From the super spicy to the highly toxic (Think you have a tough enough stomach?)! Have the time of your life at the greatest restaurant the galaxy has ever seen! The critics rave: "I'm prepared to say I did not barf" "The…food…is…good…by any means necessary"
Or how about the Prez?
"Tired of losing substantial amounts of pikmin? Be sure to buy pikmin insurance! Pikmin insurance will help you to always have a minimum balance of 200 pikmin (Balance may differ). Recover from loses in an instant with pikmin insurance! Also be sure to open a new pikmin super savings account. Complete with low (dependant on ratio) monthly fees, high interest rates (yearly). And with an initial deposit of 600 or more pikmin in any Shyacho Inc. onion you will receive a free, yes FREE (It's in capital letters you HAVE trust it) bulborb bobble head!!"
The Next Day (You know it has to be important when it's bolded and it's underlined!)
Day 650 3rd generation saw Olimar landing in the Awakening wood. He liked this place and it was the area where Louie would get in the least trouble (In the Valley of Repose he would eat the yellow snow, in the Wistful wild he would drink the yellow water and now in the Perplexing pool he now found berries of "funny colours")
With these negative thoughts in mind he headed down into the dining compartment to meet up with his two comrades. Shyacho was sitting at the table plotting the plans that he had schemed up last night (For the success of Hocotate freight). Louie was attempting to cook a Wollywog pancake, the only thing he had succeeded in though was making Olimar's appetite go out the window (Hitting a couple of bulborbs too, good riddance) after he had just gazed at Louie's concoction.
"So Olimar, are we going to search a couple of caves today and get more treasure?" Shyacho asked.
Olimar frowned, vividly remembering the last cave that they had been in.
Olimar gazed around in the dim light, but there was not much to see, save for the rotting skeleton of some cow like thing with tusks and the eerie yellow eye that stared at them through the darkness. There was tons to hear though, the pikmin were singing (Vivaldi seasons of springs, didn't really fit the mood but it is a classic), there was the gurgle of something drinking mouthwash, the ringing of phones laced with telemarketers and the ominous heavy breathing coming from behind them.
"Must be the confederates," Louie said in fear as he tripped over another rotting skull.
"Aye," said Shyacho, pushing his way through some cannibalistic Neanderthals.
"Quiet," Olimar said. He squinted in the darkness; all he saw was foreboding signs with foreboding messages such as: "I know what you did last Wednesday" and "You know what I did last Wednesday" and finally "Buy one get one free".
Suddenly a faint barking noise floated through the damp air.
"OMG, the taco bell dog," squealed Louie "I knew we would find him!" And then he ran into the darkness.
"No Louie don't…" Olimar began to chase after him.
ROAR!!
The cave seemed to light up and there Olimar saw a terrible sight. There was Louie and before him lay a dozen Emperor Bulblaxes. Behind those fearsome creatures where all sorts of hideous things: wollywogs with three eyes, wollywogs with one eye, vampire breadbugs, Bob the builder, any actor from the Star Wars Christmas Special and everything that belonged in the Inheritance Trilogy. The sounds that they made would have surely awakened any bulborb in the cavern (Had they not already been covering the flanks).
"Cover me," cried Louie, "I'll guard the rear!"
"Hold them off," Shyacho shouted "I'll retake the fort!"
Olimar watched in horror as his two comrades fled the scene, heading for the nearest geyser. Shyacho was kind enough to give a farewell salute, all Louie did was say: "Beam me up Spock" before jumping into the fast jet of water.
"I do not think we should go into a cave for a long time," said Olimar.
"Pssh," snapped Louie. "You shouldn't be the only one making decisions around here."
"Well I'm just saying," said Olimar coolly. "That it's for the best of everyone."
"Oh stop thinking you're so smart," retorted Louie.
Olimar shrugged and helped himself to a bowl of cereal. Louie did the same thing; except he forgot to pour milk. When Olimar commented about this Louie said milk was overrated.
Louie's sudden attitude change was common; he had multiple personalities after all. Since today was Thursday he would be grumpy in the morning, before acting like a pirate during noon, and then being himself for the rest of the day. Lot to fit in considering the day was 15 minutes. It left Olimar being only able to talk to the president, who wasn't that talkative in the morning.
"So how are stocks going?" Olimar asked the president.
"Bad," Shyacho didn't even look up, but he had replied verbally, usually it was a mere shrug.
"Whoop de freakin' do!" Louie said sarcastically. "Stocks go up, stocks go down. It's like a game of pong."
Olimar glared at Louie, he was acting more like the complete asshole he was supposed to be on Saturday evenings (Maybe it was because of daylight savings). "Louie lighten up," Olimar said icily.
Louie shrugged and turned back to his Wollywog pancake. Four seconds later the stove exploded.
Olimar flew out of the ship, bounced once on the ground before rolling and coming to a perfect halt. Louie was shot out of the ship, landed head first on a rock, and cracked his helmet. Shyacho dropped out of the ship and created a crater of considerable size.
As the president was struggling to lift himself out of the hole, Louie approached Olimar. "Do you think it will snow today?" Louie asked.
"No, the sky seems quite blue," Olimar replied.
"There's a cloud over there."
"Cumulus clouds don't let out snow."
"They do sometimes."
"Not really, it's nimbus…"
"Oh you're such a jerk you know that!?"
"I just don't think it will snow today, it's still spring after all." Olimar finished to conversation with a glare.
Louie snorted and turned away.
"Now," Oliamr said. "Let's get those pikmin out."
"I would, but they're already out"
"What?"
"Yeah don't you see?"
The groups of pikmin were formed under their onions. There was approximately twenty of each colour. They were all staring at the three leaders and they seemed pretty pissed off.
"Now I see why I couldn't find any purple's in the cargo hold to cook err…I mean pet," Louie said, afraid to give the true reason why the purple population was declining (Everyone thought it was an incident involving puffy blow hog and a paper airplane)
The pikmin continued to watch the humans. Then one of them, a yellow, spoke: "Greetings Olimar, we are here to settle negotiations!" he squeaked.
Startled, Olimar replied, "Umm…negotiations?"
The yellow pikmin snorted, "We are tired of your dictatorship rule, being paid only through cheap coupons to "restaurante de Pik", I mean where the hell is that? No we do not want your cruel ways of leading us. We demand an election!"
"ELECTION, ELECTION!" Chorused the pikmin behind the yellow.
"Whoa, dictatorship rule, hold on a second!" Olimar began, but he was interrupted.
"We shall hold a speech and an election two minutes from now (15 minutes and daylight savings into consideration folks). I am your competitor, Sparky the leader of the Democrative Association of Minority Numbers!"
"Damn!" Shyacho remarked realizing how screwed they were.
"And if we refuse?" Olimar tested.
"Then we shall take over through…hostile means. My forces seem much greater than yours."
Olimar glanced behind him looking at Louie and the president. Louie had turned into his pirate personality and was putting an X over his latest buried treasure (Probably the remains of the stove). Shyacho was huffing and puffing as he unwrapped a mars bar.
"Okay," Olimar said, "Two minutes got it."
Gathering with his political party Olimar's head began to race with thoughts. Why are the pikmin talking? Louie is a horrible pirate actor, cheese is good, what's my pin number?
"Okay so any ideas on how we get out of the situation?" Olimar asked hopefully.
"Arrrrgghh we blast the scurvy dogs and make 'em walks the plank."
"Louie shut up," Olimar replied.
"Olimar you've failed to keep the pikmin under control," said the president coolly.
"Oh don't be such a jerk it wasn't my fault…"
"You're fired."
"That's bullsh…"
"Olimar don't be so reckless, you've failed."
Olimar's face turned red. "Oh come on, now who do you have left. Louie?"
"Arrrgghhh captain I am quite capable of delivering the booty!"
DIIIIINNNNGGGGG
A loud ringing noise filled the air; it was the signal that the two minutes were up. Olimar gulped and thought desperately how to control the pikmin. He consulted his magic 8 ball but the reply was "Ask again later".
It was Sparky who did his speech first. From what Olimar heard, it seemed a gimme on who would win.
"Olimar is the biggest freakin' jerk in the history of big freakin' jerks! (Yep, definitely a gimme). We do not want to be ruled by the bald man with the big nose anymore!"
"KILL THE BALD MAN WITH THE BIG NOSE!!!!" Cried the pikmin.
"It is about time we take our rightful place and become a democracy! We will not stand for dictators!! On an side note it says in Issue 56 of Nintendo power Olimar was rated to cutest character in the pikmin franchise!"
"AHHHHHHH!!! KILL HIM!! MURDER!!!"
"As leader I will make sure us pikmin will be the cutest things Nintendo has ever seen! Together we shall crush the dictators! (Points to Olimar) And the communists!! (Points to the puffstool and the shroommin in the corner)
"HUZZAHHH!!!"
Sparky was quite a good speaker. The applause and cheers lasted for a quarter of the day. After it had died down a red pikmin looked at Olimar and said: "We shall now here from the dick-tator."
Ignoring the snickers, a well aimed pebble and couple of Molotov cocktails, Olimar made his way to the front of the crowd. "Well, good afternoon," he said in a dry voice. "Now I know I've been unfair and all but I honestly did not know."
"Didn't know!!!" Screamed a blue. "Wasn't it pretty obvious the way you treated us. Hey Bill how's working for Olimar? Oh it's pretty good and all, far below minimum wage, getting eating alive, watching your friends get eating alive. Oh it is definitely the new thing to do!!"
Olimar frowned: "Okay I get it; it wasn't the right thing to do but I am sincerely sorry. If I'm voted for I promise to make you all flowers! Nectar for everyone! I also have a secret stockpile of vodka in the storage compartment which I could share with you…"
"Times up!" Shouted the red pikmin.
Olimar shook his head and walked off the stage. This was very bad, almost as bad as when he had put his son up for mortgage during a game of monopoly.
The democrative party got 99 votes. The communist party received the other one (Corruption and all). The results were extremely obvious though, it was a majority.
"I still don't think this is fair," Olimar tried to say.
"As my first thing to do as leader," shouted Sparky. "I say we beat up Olimar!"
Olimar desperately replied; "But democracy's vote!"
"All in favor of kicking Olimar's butt?"
"AYE!!"
Ten seconds later Olimar found himself inside the ship again in a heap. He was now very thankful that he had been on the track team in high school. Shyacho and Louie greeted him in the dining compartment.
"Olimar, Olimar, you're alive after all," said Shyacho in a phony voice. He rummaged through his pockets. "Five was it not?"
"Ten," corrected Louie. "And the happy Meal toy."
"Yes indeed," replied the President as he pulled out some crumpled bills and a blue plastic monkey with a set of cymbals.
Olimar raised an eyebrow before saying: "Umm, I think we need to get out of here very soon. The "super strength spray" yesterday seemed to greatly enhance the pikmin's intelligence."
"Nay Olimar," said Shyacho sternly. "We will not flee from immanent battle. No, instead we must introduce pikmin to something I call…MILITARY RULE." Shyacho pressed a button on the table causing not only panels to flip over revealing all sorts of fun weapons (Ages 8 and up folks) but also to play intense heavy metal music. The atmosphere seemed just perfect.
And suddenly Olimar had a strange sensation crawl up him. An odd…longing and it made him excited.
He had to use the washroom.
Well since that was the scene where the main character almost seems defeated, the next scene is obviously where he goes and gets SOME!! And everyone reading is like "Oh thank you that this fic is almost over! Now I can go back to playing X box Live (Shame on you).
But first a message from our sponsors!!!
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Yeah can you believe it there's now commercials during fan fictions, what has the world come to. What next, advertisements in Novels?
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Back to the story because I know you're going to whine about this in your reviews
Olimar would have thought pikmin 3 would be a first person shooter. Yet there he was exiting out of the rocket, stuffed with various weapons. In his hands was an Uzi 9mil.
The pikmin were all gathered outside in a flurry of activity. Most were absorbing enormous amounts of propaganda on a large television. Others had settled for a few hands of Euchre.
It was a blue that first noticed them. "Hey," the blue shouted. "You're standing in a weapon free zone please register your weapons to the purple pimkin over there in the trench coat…"
The pikmin was cut off as he was blown to bits by the presidents double barrel shot gun. This rather graphic image attracted the attention of all the other pikmin.
"Let's take 'em!" Shouted Sparky.
"YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!!!"
Olimar soon came to realize Pikmin 3 was going to be your average first person shooter stereotype. First off, his allies did absolutely nothing. Shyacho, after an intimidating entrance did not understand how to pump the shot gun. Louie could not even be trusted with a gun so he resorted to hacking pikmin from behind with a spork. Oh, the British guy would certainly be disappointed.
Thus it was Olimar versus all. Pikmin tried to get near him, but he would shoot them down two by two. Even when he was reloading, a sure spinning kick would finish off any little vegetable. He went underneath the yellow onion, guns raking off any approaching pikmin, and threw a grenade into the neon yellow beam. The grenade slowly floated up into the onion and seconds later it exploded.
The little vegetables stood no chance. There remains littered the battlefield and it reminded Olimar of the squashed pumpkins during harvest fest. Louie was going around and attacking severely wounded pikmin, his spork cleaving more Vitamin B with each stab. To top everything, it seemed a soup was beginning to form in the hot spring next to the site.
The red and blue pikmin had fled into the skies with their onions. What remained of the purples and whites had hastily retreated into the forest. Thus the yellows were left onionless and whimpering.
"We surrender," sobbed Sparky. "You win Olimar."
"What of the red and blues?" Asked Shyacho.
His question was answered seconds later when two land-to-air missiles streaked from their ship. The red and blue onions tried to evade but stood no chance to technology. The explosions rivaled those seen in the fourth of July.
"Victory is ours!" Screamed the president joyfully.
"What do you want from us," said Sparky. "We'll give you anything!"
"I want all your territory, including the mountains of much fog, the lake that is shaped like India and all of Candy Land," said Louie.
"Including Candy cane lane?" Sparky asked.
"Especially Candy Cane lane."
"And then you will let us live."
"No"
"Louie," Olimar warned. "The war is over, forget about it."
Louie winked at Olimar and said. "Tell you what, if you can guess what's behind my back I'll let you live." Louie's hand fingered with the double edge steel broadsword that just so happened to be behind his back.
"Ummmmmm, Woodrow Wilson's fourteen points of peace?"
Louie replied by swinging his broadsword in a blazing arc. He had aimed to high though, and did not cleave Sparky in half like he had wanted, but instead sliced off Sparky's ears and stem. Olimar was screaming at Louie to stop the madness, Sparky lay on the ground screaming in agony, Louie laughed manically, all other yellow's cowered in fear and the president glanced up from his game of solitaire before resuming.
Pissed off Olimar pulled out his peacemaker. Immediately everyone stopped, nobody wanted to be on the wrong side of a gravity hammer. "Listen," Olimar said. "How about we go inside and settle this with a few Pina Colada's…"
At the moment the ship exploded due to a couple of purple pikmin trying to pilot it and get the hell out of there.
"Damnit," said Olimar.
"Orange," whined Louie.
"No, the treasure!!!" Screamed the President. Unfortunately the emotions welling up inside were too much for his delicate body. He died of a heart attack.
"Oh wow," said Olimar to the author. "Did you really have to do that?"
Yep
"Why"
Because it's funny
"Nobody's laughing right now you jerk!"
At the moment, a dwarf Bulbear came up to Olimar and bit his hand off.
"OW! Screw you!"
Muahahahaha!
"I'm quitting!"
At that moment the Bulbear decided to eat the rest of Olimar, he was very hungry.
Well there goes my best character. Oh well who needs him? Now let's see…you Bulbear! Do you have any acting experience?
"Ummmmmmm, not sure," replied the Bulbear dopily.
Well at least you can talk
"I can?"
"Of course you can," said Olimar appearing from the Bulbear's stomach and popping his head out of the Bulbear's mouth. "And you're surprisingly more intelligent than this sad excuse for a writer."
Shut up and get back in there.
Olimar sighed and drew his head back in, finding it ridiculous to be eaten by such a stupid creature and being narrated by such a stupid…
Nevermind.
Know what how about we just end it right here. I know I just wasted a good chunk of your time and I sincerely apologize. If you're in the evil mood please feel free to leave a flame saying "OMG that Sucked" or "V rex can kiss my A", at least it will give me some warmth: D
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