Title: Ads

Author: Enide Dear

Pairing: Valenwind, or at least a fic focusing on Cid and Vincent

Rating: cute

Warning: ShinRa doesn't play fair

A/N: Ever noticed how shampoo commercials almost never have anything to do with the actual product?

A/N 2: I do so enjoy teaching Yuffie how to develop bad habits :giggle:

"So I figured we could just try a Mini materia on the Highwind, then use it to fly up Sephiroth's left nostril and shoot out his frontal lobe, thus lobotomizing him and ending the threat to the planet. And we could all be wealthy by renting out his non-resistant body to the Little Old Ladies Art Club. What do you think of that, Cid?" Cloud ended, looking irritated and a bit desperate at the pilot who hadn't even flinched. Under the goggles, blue eyes stared avidly at the old ShinRa Magazine just as they had for the last half an hour and the stubble jaw was still dropped.

"Huh." Was Cid's only answer to the outrageously stupid ploy. It had been his only answer no matter what his team mates said for the last hour or so, since he opened the magazine.

Cloud gave up trying to get the older man's attention and turned in despair to the rest of Avalanche sitting around the Inn's table.

"Mr. Highwind." Nanakin tried.

"Huh."

"Cid." Tifa ventured.

"Huh."

"Chief." Vincent sighed.

"Huh."

"Captain?" Cait giggled.

"Huh."

"Yo, dumbass." Barret grunted.

"Huh."

"Cidney." Aerith smiled.

"Huh."

"Gaylord pilot!" Yuffie shouted, loud enough to be heard all over Mideel.

Cid jumped with a howl of rage, spilling his hot tea all over his pants and cursing bad enough to make birds drop from the sky.

"Who the Hell are ya callin' gay?" He roared, making a grab for Yuffie but the ninja had already taken cover behind Barret.

"You've been staring at that male shampoo model ad for 45 minutes!" Yuffie screamed from behind her shelter of massive muscles. "And anyway, I got your attention, didn't I?"

"Ya wanted my attention? What the Hell is wrong with a good kick on the shins, then?" Lighting a cig under the non-smoking sign, Cid grumbled. "Damn kids taday, they have no gods-damned manners!"

"What's so interesting about an old magazine anyway?" Cloud demanded. "That thing must be over 30 years old. The library at this Inn hasn't been updated in decades."

If anyone had looked they would have seen the normally unflappable undead gunman in their midst flinch, but all eyes were focused on Cid. But before the pilot could answer, Yuffie grabbed the paper.

"Yoink! Got you, old man!"

"Give that back, ya brat!" The pilot howled but it was too late. Yuffie had already looked at the ad and her eyes bulged. The squeal coming from her made Nanaki yelp in pain and Cait cover his ears, but the kleptomaniac ninja paid then no attention.

"Oh my Gods, that is so cuuuuuuute!" She squealed.

"I said give it back, ya damn strawberry poptart!" Cid tried to dodge around Barret but the big man was as intrigued as everyone else by now and easily blocked him.

"Well, what the Hell is it?" He grumbled. "Just show us already!"

With unconcealed glee, Yuffie tossed the paper onto the table. Avalanche drew a collective gasp, all except Cid who still tried to get to Yuffie and strangle her and Vincent who huddled deeper into his cloak.

"That is…Vincent." Tifa stared at the glossy, if somewhat old, picture. "*Young* Vincent!"

"What the Hell is this? ShinRa shampoo?" Barret tried to pry his eyes away from the naked skin and to the actual product – a tiny picture of a bottle in one corner. In fact, most of a whole page consisted of a naked Vincent in the shower, head tossed back and short black hair shimmering, hands caressing unblemished skin and only a strategic soapy lather providing any kind of decency.

"Oh, it is one of those." Cloud nodded sagely but not taking his eyes of the ad. "Didn't know the tradition went back quite that far."

Now all eyes turned to the ex-Soldier.

"It is a standard clause in your contract with ShinRa." Cloud shrugged a bit embarrassed. "If you are famous enough – or, eh, attractive enough – you have to agree help selling ShinRa stuff. Sephiroth did it, Geneses and Angeal as well, and well, the ones with the present day Turks are somewhat of a collector's item."

"I know," Aerith sighed. "I've got almost all of them. I'm just missing the Tseng at the Costa del Sol ad."

"I'll trade you mine for the one where all of them and the new brand of sex toys," Tifa offered.

"That's just cheap, Tifa." Cloud objected. "The sex toy ad was a limited edition. I'd trade a Master Materia for that one."

"Holy Hell, am I the only straight man in this bunch?" Barret mumbled aghast.

"Yes," Cloud shrugged.

"Yes," Vincent mumbled.

"Yepp!" Cait grinned.

"Yeah, alright." Cid grumbled.

"It would seem so," Nanaki agreed.

"What the…. even you, Nanaki?" Barret gaped but the fire-lion just flicked his tail. "I share a room with you!"

"So? I assure you my sexual preference do not include humans. That would be perverted." He snorted disgusted.

"It's perverted to like humans?"

"Yes, we call those of us who does so for non-furries."

"Can we get back to naked Vincent?" Yuffie demanded. "That was in your contract? And you *signed* it?"

Vincent sighed.

"The standard ShinRa contract is over a hundred pages long. I was young; I didn't read it all. No one ever does." He snatched the paper away, rolling it up and waving it threateningly at Cid. "I blame this whole thing on you, chief." He added darkly.

"Me? I was still in diapers when that photo was taken." Cid grinned at the scowling man. "Aw, c'mon, Vince! Where is yer sense of humor?"

"Buried, I assure you." The dark man said primly before hiding the paper away and once more retreating to his quiet state.

Vincent didn't say another word for the rest of that day, evening or even night, much though Cid tried to break him out of his shell and the rest of Avalanche tried to get him to reveal more yummy details about ShinRa. He didn't even say anything when he and Cid went up to their room that night, but even though the gunman laid down in his bed and closed his eyes, the captain had a disturbing notion that red eyes were fixed on him behind the eyelids.

Cid opened his eyes the nest morning and came eye to eye with an appallingly familiar, if younger, face.

"Oh crap." He swore quietly.

"I got to thinking," Vincent purred from his seat on the pilot's bed, "that if the standard ShinRa contract has not changed between me working there and Cloud doing so, then….you must have signed it to, chief." His smile was pure evil. "All it took to find it was a bit of searching in the Inn's old magazine collection."

"Oh crap." Cid repeated, staring into the face of his younger self, chest smooth but jaw stubble still in place, cig dangling cheekily and not a little suggestively from the corner of his mouth. His legs were splayed wide and the only thing covering the goodies was a ShinRa missile standing before him, its tip barely high enough to cover.

"I'm not even sure what product this is supposed to sell," Vincent mused evilly, "but I am certain it worked."

Groaning, Cid buried deeper into this pillow.

"I think it was an aftershave or somethin'," he muttered. "Oh Gods, tell me ya didn't show that ta the girls. Or worse, the blonde fanboy!"

"Not to worry, chief." With his claw, Vincent carefully cut out the ad and studied it. A faint smile crept up on his lips. "This was just what I needed to finish *my* collection after all."