The disclaimer saying that I don't own any Galaxy Rangers characters is hidden under some Lingling berries somewhere. I'm on some weird Lingling berry kick. I don't know why but just enjoy the ride!
The Great Berry Blast
"So are ya in or out?" Brainchild asked. "This is the opportunity of a lifetime!"
"Brainchild," Kilbane gave him a look. "You want me to help you with your garden supplies smuggling operation. This isn't exactly a heist job to steal all the valuables at Planet Knox."
"Kilbane I thought you were a man who would do anything for money?" Jackhammer sneered.
"Yeah. Murder, torture, theft, arson, destruction of property and all those normal things," Kilbane told him. "But stealing plants and gardening supplies isn't exactly gonna enhance my reputation."
"Neither is stealing all the toilet paper from the men's room at that fuel station on Delos Five but you did it anyway!" Brainchild snapped.
"Hey I needed supplies and why waste good money on something you're just gonna flush down the toilet or stuff into some guy's mouth?" Kilbane snorted. "How did you hear about that?"
"They had security footage of the whole thing," Jackhammer snapped. "Then they sold it to that show 'The Galaxy's Weirdest Criminals'."
"Aw man!" Kilbane exclaimed. "I was on that again? Why didn't someone call me! I could have taped it!"
"Don't worry I have a bootleg copy I can sell you," Brainchild groaned. "Unbelievable. You wreck a thirty thousand dollar fuel station and cause over a million credits in damages just to get twenty credits worth of toilet paper and Twinkies!"
"I like Twinkies," Kilbane gave him a look.
"Here's a question," Jackhammer folded his arms. "Why didn't you just steal all those credits in the open safe nearby?"
"Oh Frak! I knew there was something I forgot to do!" Kilbane groaned. "You know that's the way it is isn't it? You make a list of stuff you gotta get, you plan things out but there's always that one thing you forget!"
"Can we get back to the subject here?" Brainchild sighed. "Look this whole gardening smuggling ring may seem like small potatoes to you guys but it's a very lucrative business! Do you have any idea how much money people will pay for a few plants on the black market? And I don't mean just collectors of rare plants. I'm talking farmers that wanna grow a few extra crops on the side, trade with planets banned from doing business with the League, Tortunans trying to grow some food for survival, Mobsters growing some illegal crops to get cash. The possibilities are endless."
"Does sound pretty good," Jackhammer nodded.
"I've been so swamped with orders I've already taken on Chimera and Gravestone as partners," Brainchild said. "They're out on a run right now to pick up merchandise."
"This planet is outside League jurisdiction," Jackhammer thought. "We could always use an extra hideout."
"You have to admit Kilbane it does make some wonderful extra spending money," Brainchild told him. "I get up to four hundred credits a crate. And some good loads I can make over a couple million in one day easy."
"If you make so much money how come you live in a dump like this?" Kilbane snorted. They were in a run down building on an alien world.
"One it's a great place to hide from the law, two it's cheap and I can invest my money in other venues," Brainchild snorted.
"And three there's a bordello right down the street right across from a bar and a tobacco shop," Jackhammer smirked.
"You know what they say," Brainchild shrugged. "Location, location, location. So are you mugs in or out?"
"Ah what the hell?" Jackhammer shrugged. "It's not like I don't have anything better to do since my brief career in fashion design went bust."
"You were trying to make a living by designing clothes?" Kilbane gave him a look.
"No stupid, I was trying to make a living by stealing designs from 'em," Jackhammer snapped.
"So what happened?" Brainchild asked.
"You know how Chimera always says that those skinny little models are nothing but air headed pieces of fluff and that they are weak?" Jackhammer groaned. "They're not that weak. Here's a tip, beware of models throwing shoes. Not only is their aim pretty good those damn things usually have five inch heels which really hurt your skull."
"Oh yeah," Brainchild nodded. "And whatever you do never call a model fat! Or a fashion designer for that matter. So are you in or out?"
"Why the hell not?" Kilbane shrugged.
"Come on," Brainchild snorted. "Those two should be back any minute. Could use your help unloading whatever they swiped."
They went to a small space hanger not far from the building. A large cargo ship hand landed. Gravestone was already unloading some small trees to the side. "Got a real good haul this time," Gravestone grinned.
"Easiest heist we ever pulled," Chimera agreed opening up a crate of something. "The ship's pilots were literally asleep at the wheel."
"You used your hypnotic powers to put 'em to sleep and make 'em forget you were there?" Kilbane asked.
"No Kilbane, I read them a detailed analysis of the crisis of falling pork belly prices in the Wall Street Journal," She gave him a look. "Of course I did! Brainchild don't tell me you're hiring these bozos."
"Why not? I hired you bozos," Brainchild snapped.
"We got some real good stuff this time and enough money for Fred Jr. to have his own little chicken house," Gravestone grinned.
"That stupid chicken of his isn't around is it?" Kilbane asked.
"No, we got it a babysitter," Chimera sighed. "Don't ask."
"We won't," Jackhammer said. "Not about that anyway. But what you've opened up I gotta know."
"What's this stuff?" Kilbane wrinkled his nose at the cargo Chimera opened up. "Berries?"
"Some new experimental crop on Kirwin," Chimera snorted. "They're called Lingling berries. Apparently they're supposed to give you all the nutrients you need if you eat one or two of em."
"Hey, these things aren't half bad," Gravestone took a handful and chomped on 'em.
"Gravestone you idiot! Stop eating our profits!" Brainchild snapped. "I have to go make some calls. Unload the stuff, make a list of what we got and put it in the hanger." He walked away.
"Stop eating our profits," Gravestone mocked as he ate another handful. "One of these days I'm gonna pound that little toad."
"That little toad is paying the bills," Chimera snarled at her boyfriend. "And he's right, you shouldn't be stuffing your face with that."
"Ah lay off him," Kilbane took a handful of berries and sampled them. "Might as well sample the cargo. Hey, you know something? These are good!" He grabbed some more.
"Really? Let's see," Jackhammer took a few and sampled them. "Well what do you know? They are? I guess the one thing you guys are experts on is food."
"Oh this stuff is great!" Gravestone chomped down on a few more handfuls.
"Watch it you slob!" Chimera snapped. "Oh for crying out loud it's just a bunch of berries! How good could it…?"
While her mouth was open Gravestone expertly tossed a berry inside it. "Hmmmmmmmm!" Chimera's eyes went wide as she tasted the berry.
"I guess that's one way to shut her up!" Kilbane snorted as he ate another handful of berries.
"Shut up Kilbane and move over!" Chimera shoved him aside and started taking handfuls of berries.
"I tell ya this is good stuff," Jackhammer ate more berries. "How many crates of this stuff do we have?"
"Uh about one…Two dozen…" Gravestone noted. "Whoa! Did everybody just see that rainbow streak by?"
"Rainbow? What rainbow?" Kilbane snorted. Then his eyes started to spin and he felt giddy. A streak of color seemed to whirl around his head. "Oh…that rainbow."
Thirty five minutes later…
"All right youse mugs listen up!" Brainchild walked in. "We gotta…Holy Macrobites!"
There were berry stains all over the place. Nearly all the cargo from the ship was dumped haphazardly. Chimera was wildly dancing by herself as the song 'Good Stuff' from the B-52's played on the ship's radio. Gravestone was eating berries with one hand and setting a small tree on fire with the other. Jackhammer was rolling around in an overturned crate of Lingling berries purring. Kilbane was drawing squiggly lines on all the ship's sides with a marker.
"WHAT THE DEVIL ARE YOU MORONS DOING?" Brainchild snapped.
"Yo! Brainy's here!" Kilbane said happily with a very glazed look in his eyes.
"Kilbane what is going on here? What…AAAAAAHHH!" Brainchild screamed as Kilbane hugged him tightly.
"You know…I don't say this enough Brainy…But you're all right!" Kilbane nearly crushed Brainchild's spine in a bear hug.
"AAAAAHH!" Brainchild gasped. "Can't…breathe…" Kilbane let him go and he hit the wall of the space ship. "Uhhhhhh…"
"Lighten up Brainy and get your grove on!" Chimera laughed as she dance. "It's a super fantastic happy day!"
"Wonderful. Gravestone…Are you trying to smoke a tree?" Brainchild's jaw dropped.
"Is that what this thing is?" Gravestone looked at the small potted palm he had used a lighter on. "I thought it was a cigar growing out of the ground! It tastes like a cigar. Except for all the dirt."
"What the devil did you idiots do?" Brainchild got up and winced at all the berry stains on his suit. "Although perhaps I can deduce why. Kilbane?"
"Have you ever looked at the sky?" Kilbane was in a daze. "Really looked at a sky? It's so…big! And wide! What do you think man?"
"I am going to take a wild guess here," Brainchild sighed. "You all tried those berries and apparently they have some kind of side effects that clash with our advanced bio-defenses. Am I right?'
"Man I just had a breakthrough!" Jackhammer shouted as he sat up. "I just thought of a cool way to make money! Picture it! Garbage disposal is a huge problem on some planets right? Right? Well what if we get some really big ships with big empty cargo bays, fill 'em up with trash…And then pilot 'em into a big sun! We could make a fortune! We could call it…Trash Be Gone in a Flash! Catchy huh?"
"I'm right," Brainchild sighed. "Jackhammer there's a few little problems with your plain. The main one is if we pilot a ship into the sun we'd burn up and die. Even our bio-defenses can't protect ourselves against that."
"No problem man," Jackhammer smiled a silly grin. "One word! Sunscreen! Or is that two words?"
"Oh yeah…" Brainchild groaned. "It's starting to come back to me now. The reasons why I hate working with other Supertroopers."
"Whoo hoo!" Chimera happily pulled out her blasters and started firing them randomly as she danced.
"That would be reason Number Fifty Two," Brainchild sighed.
"Hey have you ever just wanted to take off and blow stuff up for no reason?" Kilbane asked.
"All the time," Jackhammer said.
"Yeah I could go for some explosions!" Gravestone snickered.
"Then let's do it!" Kilbane shouted. "All aboard! Choo choo!"
"What? Hey! Let go of me!" Brainchild protested as the Supertroopers jumped up and took off in their large cargo ship. "What are you fools doing?"
"Let's buzz the town!" Chimera laughed.
"AAAAHHH!" Brainchild hung on for dear life as Kilbane took the cargo ship on a wild ride. "CARGO SHIPS WERE NOT MADE FOR BUZZING!"
"Look at 'em run! Look at 'em run!" Kilbane laughed as the aliens in the town ran for their lives.
"Why not shoot at 'em with the new positron lasers we installed?' Gravestone pointed them out.
"Great idea!" Kilbane laughed.
"Did you say positron lasers?" Brainchild did a double take. "You know those things at the highest setting have more power then two nuclear blasts right?"
"Don't worry, I have the safety on!" Kilbane grinned as he pressed a button.
BOOOM!
"Oops, no I didn't," Kilbane looked at the destroyed space hanger below. "My bad."
"MY BUSINESS! YOU BLEW UP MY BUSINESS!" Brainchild screamed.
"Hey that was cool! Do it again Kilbane!" Jackhammer shouted.
"Okay!" Kilbane fired on a nearby building which just happened to be Brainchild's office.
BOOOOOOOOOM!
"So much for getting my deposit back…" Brainchild snapped.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"And now you've blown up Main Street," Brainchild groaned. "Great! That bar is never going to let me run a tab ever again."
BOOM!
"Not to mention that brothel…" Brainchild moaned.
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"And now the whole town is on fire…" Brainchild sighed as he watched the outlaw town burn up in flames. The aliens below started screaming and running for their lives.
"Hey! Hey! I just thought of a great idea!" Gravestone began to sing. "Kilbane…Do the booms when I point to you!" He began to sing the Blue Danube. "Da da dada…"
"Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!" Kilbane laughed and sang along as he fired the positron lasers at the same time.
"I always wanted to see a town destroyed to music," Brainchild said sarcastically.
"Really? Me too!" Chimera said in a chipper voice. They started to sing and laugh as they fired on all the town buildings.
"Great. Just great! I can never show my face on this planet again!" Brainchild moaned. "Forget the Galaxy Rangers! The local mob boss of this planet will be out for our hides!"
"Hey! Bet I can't get a shot inside that volcano!" Kilbane yelled.
"What?" Brainchild looked at where Kilbane was aiming. "No! Kilbane! Wait!"
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Whoa! Look at that!" Gravestone whistled. "That was cool! Do it again!"
"NO!" Brainchild shouted.
"OH YEAH!" Kilbane laughed manically. "There's a couple more small volcanoes over there! I bet if I hit the long range trajection just right…"
BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!
"Stop you fools if you keep doing that you'll…" Brainchild shouted.
RUUMMMMMMMMBLEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
KABOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
"Start a chain reaction…" Brainchild finished the sentence as the volcanoes exploded.
"Oh man this is so cool!" Kilbane was bouncing in his seat. "Wow look at the ground all breaking up and lava shooting out and stuff!"
"Uh guys do you remember that movie we once saw?" Brainchild gulped. "The fairy tale in outer space and at the end there was this military base that was shaped like a moon?"
"Yeah and they blew it up!" Jackhammer laughed.
"Right well I believe we are about to see a live action re-enactment of that so hit the thrusters and get us out of here!" Brainchild shouted.
"Oh cool! I love remakes!" Gravestone said excitedly.
Twenty minutes later the outlaw planet was nothing more than an asteroid field and a pile of space dust. "Wow! Now that was an explosion!" Kilbane whooped.
"Well Brainy at least you don't have to worry about showing your face on this planet again," Jackhammer grinned. "No planet left to show it to!"
"My business…My money…My home…My Tuesday night out with the girls…Ruined!" Brainchild wept. "All because you idiots can't handle your berries! Do you have any idea how much Tuesday nights meant to me! I still have coupons!"
"Oh it's all right Brainy," Chimera snickered. She pointed out the window. "It was only a small planet and everybody got out. See all the little starships all over the place."
"Ooh! Those hookers have a nice pink starship," Gravestone said cheerfully.
"And they have nice lasers," Chimera shouted. "WATCH OUT!"
Several alien ships started firing on the Supertroopers' ship. "Hey! They're firing on us!" Kilbane shouted.
"What's their problem?" Gravestone shouted.
"I don't know," Brainchild snapped. "Maybe because we just blew up the planet, destroyed their homes, businesses and a safe haven from the Galaxy Rangers?"
"Picky, picky…" Kilbane grunted. "They want a fight they've got one! KA POW!"
"You see people this is one of the reasons why Stingray and Darkstar don't return any of my calls," Brainchild winced as Kilbane took on the alien spacecraft. "And quite frankly I see their point."