"Comfort"
Author's Note: Good lord its been forever since I wrote a fic of any sort... hope I'm not too rusty! Yeah... this is just a sweet (somewhat sad, somewhat shounen-ai but not much) little fic about Kei and Goh, my two favorite Pretear characters, set shortly after the whole "Takako incident" as I like to call it... makes short mention of Kei's past, at least how I imagine it... it will be confusing/ somewhat spoiler-ish for those that haven't seen past episode 6-7 or so in Pretear. Other than that, read on, and I hope you enjoy it! *
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I was aware of his eyes on the back of my head long before he ever made a sound. Kneeling by one of the many sparkling streams that ran through Leafenia, I ran my fingertips over the babbling surface of the water and waited for Goh to say whatever it was he'd come to say.
"Kei?"
I touched my wet fingertips to my lips, lightly sucking the sweet water off of them before looking up. "Is something the matter, Goh?" I asked, before I ever turned around. I could hear the strain in his voice, and I knew even as I said it that it was a somewhat asinine question. After all, we had endured a very harsh battle only a few days before. Three Leafe Knights were dead and our Pretear was a Princess of Disaster, forever imprisoned, never to see the light of day again. Very much was wrong.
"Can I... talk to you?" Goh asked, his voice sounding a little sheepish, but also thick with barely suppressed emotion. I shifted where I sat, twisting around so I could see him. He stood in the shadow of a large willow tree, his hand resting on the bark uncertainly, as if he would duck behind it and disappear at the slightest provocation. How very unlike him, I thought, to be acting so sheepish and shy. Before I could answer his question, he continued, "I... I can't find Sasame," He added, as a helpless disclaimer. "But if you don't want to be bothered...I just... need to talk to someone..."
He had been right to seek out Sasame before me. The Knight of Sound, by his nature, was much better suited to comforting talks than I was. But the turn of events with Takako had left Sasame withdrawn and his presence was scarce. Before the tragedies of a few days ago, Hayate would have been the immediate second choice after Sasame for advice and consolation, but the Knight of Wind had become isolated and sullen. I digress.
I nodded and moved over to make room for him beside the stream. As he settled his muscular body beside me, folding his long legs beneath him I was struck by how... vulnerable he looked at that moment. His young face was a picture of barely contained misery, a mask others might not have seen through but one I knew well. I, myself, had worn such a mask in the past.
"I... well... now that I'm sitting here I don't know what to say..." He said quietly, staring down at the sparkling, rippling water. Looking at the pastoral scene around us, one would never had guessed the dark days we were living in back then. "Except that... I keep thinking, over and over... surely... surely there must have been... some other way..."
Some other way of dealing with Takako... or rather, of Fenril, Princess of Disaster, he meant. "Some other way" had become the rallying cry of Hayate and Sasame in the past few days, but even they had ultimately accepted that there was no other way. We could not kill her, and there was no way to return her to the kind, sweet natured girl that had been the Princess Pretear.
"You know that there wasn't, Goh," I told him. His face darkened and I added "We are not strong enough to defeat a Princess of Disaster alone... all we could do is imprison her, lest she run rampant and destroy the world."
"I know that... I KNOW you're right, Kei... but... I don't want to accept it..." He sighed. "And now... she is gone... and so are..." He stopped, unable to even speak the names of the three fallen Leafe Knights. I suddenly remembered how young Goh was. His strength and prowess in battle made it hard to remember that he was actually the youngest of the knights. Takako was his first Pretear and he had never seen a Knight fall in battle.
"You will have to accept it, Goh," I said calmly, and sternly. It was not in my nature to sugar-coat the truth, nor had it ever been, but I found a lump forming in my throat as I told him this.
"But... Takako... she is... was... our Pretear... we could have tried harder... it was our duty to protect her..." He protested helplessly.
I shook my head. "No. Our duty is to protect the world. Not even the life or the freedom of the Pretear come before that. And she is no longer the Takako we knew. She is the Princess of Disaster, and she is our enemy."
"She was also our friend..."
I bit my lip as discomfort rose in my gut at the sight of Goh bowing his head, his shoulders beginning to shake as he fought the urge to weep. The sight was all too familiar and he was reminding me too much of myself at that moment, and I remembered sharply that the first comrade I ever saw die was the Leafe Knight of Fire.
Goh's self control seemed to wither away as I said nothing and his shoulders shook harder. He brought his arms in to hug himself and an anguished whimper was wrenched from his throat. I stared at him but the Goh I saw was not the Goh that was really sitting before me. I remembered the tall, muscular and stern Knight of Fire who had raised me, the first person I could remember laying eyes on when I was a child. I remembered the man who was my father, my brother, and my best friend and more, all rolled into one, a person who, to my young and naive eyes, was an invincible and impeccable example of what a Knight should be.
But then there had been the sudden, unexpected outbreak of demon larva, and particularly vicious specimens at that. We had no Pretear at the time. Hayate and Sasame were even younger than me at the time, little more than children, too young to battle, and had to stay behind in Leafenia when Goh, Mannen, Hajime and Shin went forth to challenge the demons. I was supposed to stay with Hayate and Sasame, but in my arrogance I demanded the older knights take me along, refusing to take no for an answer until they gave in.
I don't know now if remaining in Leafenia and missing the battle would have been better for me or not. Hajime continually assured me afterwards that my presence had had no bearing on what happened that day; that it had been Goh's destiny to die that day and there was nothing any of us could have done to prevent it.
"Mannen... Hajime.... Shin..." The sound of Goh's voice breaking brought my mind back to the present and guilt weighed heavily on my shoulders that I was losing myself in my own painful memories when one of my fellow knights was quickly losing control right here next to me. I did the only thing I could think to do: I reached out and slid my arms around him, pulling him to me in a careful embrace, cradling his head on my shoulder as my hand moved over his back in a soothing motion, just as Shin had done for me all those years ago on that terrible night.
Goh didn't shy away from my grasp, but the last of the barriers broke down and he sobbed openly as I slowly rocked him back and forth. I thought again about just how young he really was, despite the fact that he was taller and more muscular than I was. His body shook from the force of his crying as he repeated the names of the fallen Knights of Ice, Water, and Plants again and again, as if his mantra would bring them back and restore his world to normal.
I wanted to tell him that it would "be all right", but I could not get the words out. Despite the fact that I sat there, holding him, I could not force any comforting words from my throat. They were not in me; I simply had none and my feelings of guilt worsened, but I wasn't sure if my guilt was more for the young Knight of Fire I held in my arms, or for the one who died in my arms.
Goh shook, just like this, when the demon larva caught him off guard and managed to pierce his chest with its poison stinger. I could barely get my young arms around his broad chest as I held him, screaming as his blood seeped onto my body while the poison shut his system down and he died in convulsions. If not for Hajime, Shin and Mannen I would have been the next to die, as all thoughts of the battle left me as Goh's Leafe drained away and I was left with nothing but bloodstained hands and an aching heart.
"Kei..." Goh's voice brought my mind, once again, back to the present. "S...sorry..." He sniffed harshly and wiped his nose on his sleeve in an impatient gesture. "Sorry..." He tried to pull away but I held him tightly.
"No... I'm sorry..." I whispered back. "I don't know what to say to you... just that... this is part of what it means to be a Leafe Knight..." The sound of my own voice surprised me; it was thick with emotion, more emotion than I had ever shown since that night all those years ago. "You...never forget what its like to lose a comrade... but..." I trailed off. I was thinking more about the death of the previous Knight of Fire more at that moment than I had in all the years since it happened, and suddenly I felt like *I* was the one who wanted to be held. Sorrow, my constant and numb companion since that day, had never been so sharp, so painful. I took a deep breath and brought back the mask, pushing back the emotions I could never let out, knowing they would be too much for me to bear.
"You won't be the youngest knight anymore after this, Goh," I continued, my voice steadying again with each word. "When a Leafe Knight dies, another with his name is born to take his place..." I explained carefully, remembering Shin explaining the same thing to me what seemed like an eternity ago.
"I'll take care of them..." Goh whispered as his muscles began to relax, though his voice was still heavy with the sorrow of loss. "Hajime... Shin... Mannen... I'll raise them..."
"We all will... you, me, Hayate and Sasame... together," I answered, grasping at this new determination in Goh's voice, wanting to move away from the tears and emotions that being too close to Goh brought up in me.
"And I'll learn from this, too..." Goh pulled away from me and stood up. "...Kei... thank you... for that. And, um... don't tell Hayate and Sasame I cried, ne?" He asked, a tiny hint of his usual upbeat self creeping back into his voice, with a shy smile, (as if the two of them hadn't cried after the battle as well).
"I won't..." I nodded, but didn't smile. I don't smile, after all. And with that, he was gone and I was alone again. I sighed and stared down at my reflection in the stream. I had never felt so alone as I did that moment as it sank into me that Hajime, Shin and Mannen were gone. Oh, I had admitted it to myself already, but the message hadn't really worked its way from my brain to my heart. I realized I was the oldest knight now, and technically that made me the new "leader", in charge of the others.
Loss of the past, losses in the present and this new realization boiled inside me and I slapped angrily at the water, distorting my own beautiful reflection. "Screw it... I don't want it..." I said aloud. I wasn't sure quite what I meant but "I don't want it" was all I could think to say.
I didn't want to remember any more, to feel any more, or to cry anymore. I definitely didn't want the emotional investment that being the leader of the Leafe Knights was sure to be. I wouldn't do it. Hayate and Sasame could decide which one of them wanted the job, because it wouldn't be me.
I suddenly found myself wishing Goh would come back. Despite my efforts to return myself to the calm, emotionally-detached personality I had crafted for myself, I found myself thinking that if the young knight would return and hold me, I might be able to cry on his shoulder, too.
Maybe.
Author's Note: Good lord its been forever since I wrote a fic of any sort... hope I'm not too rusty! Yeah... this is just a sweet (somewhat sad, somewhat shounen-ai but not much) little fic about Kei and Goh, my two favorite Pretear characters, set shortly after the whole "Takako incident" as I like to call it... makes short mention of Kei's past, at least how I imagine it... it will be confusing/ somewhat spoiler-ish for those that haven't seen past episode 6-7 or so in Pretear. Other than that, read on, and I hope you enjoy it! *
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I was aware of his eyes on the back of my head long before he ever made a sound. Kneeling by one of the many sparkling streams that ran through Leafenia, I ran my fingertips over the babbling surface of the water and waited for Goh to say whatever it was he'd come to say.
"Kei?"
I touched my wet fingertips to my lips, lightly sucking the sweet water off of them before looking up. "Is something the matter, Goh?" I asked, before I ever turned around. I could hear the strain in his voice, and I knew even as I said it that it was a somewhat asinine question. After all, we had endured a very harsh battle only a few days before. Three Leafe Knights were dead and our Pretear was a Princess of Disaster, forever imprisoned, never to see the light of day again. Very much was wrong.
"Can I... talk to you?" Goh asked, his voice sounding a little sheepish, but also thick with barely suppressed emotion. I shifted where I sat, twisting around so I could see him. He stood in the shadow of a large willow tree, his hand resting on the bark uncertainly, as if he would duck behind it and disappear at the slightest provocation. How very unlike him, I thought, to be acting so sheepish and shy. Before I could answer his question, he continued, "I... I can't find Sasame," He added, as a helpless disclaimer. "But if you don't want to be bothered...I just... need to talk to someone..."
He had been right to seek out Sasame before me. The Knight of Sound, by his nature, was much better suited to comforting talks than I was. But the turn of events with Takako had left Sasame withdrawn and his presence was scarce. Before the tragedies of a few days ago, Hayate would have been the immediate second choice after Sasame for advice and consolation, but the Knight of Wind had become isolated and sullen. I digress.
I nodded and moved over to make room for him beside the stream. As he settled his muscular body beside me, folding his long legs beneath him I was struck by how... vulnerable he looked at that moment. His young face was a picture of barely contained misery, a mask others might not have seen through but one I knew well. I, myself, had worn such a mask in the past.
"I... well... now that I'm sitting here I don't know what to say..." He said quietly, staring down at the sparkling, rippling water. Looking at the pastoral scene around us, one would never had guessed the dark days we were living in back then. "Except that... I keep thinking, over and over... surely... surely there must have been... some other way..."
Some other way of dealing with Takako... or rather, of Fenril, Princess of Disaster, he meant. "Some other way" had become the rallying cry of Hayate and Sasame in the past few days, but even they had ultimately accepted that there was no other way. We could not kill her, and there was no way to return her to the kind, sweet natured girl that had been the Princess Pretear.
"You know that there wasn't, Goh," I told him. His face darkened and I added "We are not strong enough to defeat a Princess of Disaster alone... all we could do is imprison her, lest she run rampant and destroy the world."
"I know that... I KNOW you're right, Kei... but... I don't want to accept it..." He sighed. "And now... she is gone... and so are..." He stopped, unable to even speak the names of the three fallen Leafe Knights. I suddenly remembered how young Goh was. His strength and prowess in battle made it hard to remember that he was actually the youngest of the knights. Takako was his first Pretear and he had never seen a Knight fall in battle.
"You will have to accept it, Goh," I said calmly, and sternly. It was not in my nature to sugar-coat the truth, nor had it ever been, but I found a lump forming in my throat as I told him this.
"But... Takako... she is... was... our Pretear... we could have tried harder... it was our duty to protect her..." He protested helplessly.
I shook my head. "No. Our duty is to protect the world. Not even the life or the freedom of the Pretear come before that. And she is no longer the Takako we knew. She is the Princess of Disaster, and she is our enemy."
"She was also our friend..."
I bit my lip as discomfort rose in my gut at the sight of Goh bowing his head, his shoulders beginning to shake as he fought the urge to weep. The sight was all too familiar and he was reminding me too much of myself at that moment, and I remembered sharply that the first comrade I ever saw die was the Leafe Knight of Fire.
Goh's self control seemed to wither away as I said nothing and his shoulders shook harder. He brought his arms in to hug himself and an anguished whimper was wrenched from his throat. I stared at him but the Goh I saw was not the Goh that was really sitting before me. I remembered the tall, muscular and stern Knight of Fire who had raised me, the first person I could remember laying eyes on when I was a child. I remembered the man who was my father, my brother, and my best friend and more, all rolled into one, a person who, to my young and naive eyes, was an invincible and impeccable example of what a Knight should be.
But then there had been the sudden, unexpected outbreak of demon larva, and particularly vicious specimens at that. We had no Pretear at the time. Hayate and Sasame were even younger than me at the time, little more than children, too young to battle, and had to stay behind in Leafenia when Goh, Mannen, Hajime and Shin went forth to challenge the demons. I was supposed to stay with Hayate and Sasame, but in my arrogance I demanded the older knights take me along, refusing to take no for an answer until they gave in.
I don't know now if remaining in Leafenia and missing the battle would have been better for me or not. Hajime continually assured me afterwards that my presence had had no bearing on what happened that day; that it had been Goh's destiny to die that day and there was nothing any of us could have done to prevent it.
"Mannen... Hajime.... Shin..." The sound of Goh's voice breaking brought my mind back to the present and guilt weighed heavily on my shoulders that I was losing myself in my own painful memories when one of my fellow knights was quickly losing control right here next to me. I did the only thing I could think to do: I reached out and slid my arms around him, pulling him to me in a careful embrace, cradling his head on my shoulder as my hand moved over his back in a soothing motion, just as Shin had done for me all those years ago on that terrible night.
Goh didn't shy away from my grasp, but the last of the barriers broke down and he sobbed openly as I slowly rocked him back and forth. I thought again about just how young he really was, despite the fact that he was taller and more muscular than I was. His body shook from the force of his crying as he repeated the names of the fallen Knights of Ice, Water, and Plants again and again, as if his mantra would bring them back and restore his world to normal.
I wanted to tell him that it would "be all right", but I could not get the words out. Despite the fact that I sat there, holding him, I could not force any comforting words from my throat. They were not in me; I simply had none and my feelings of guilt worsened, but I wasn't sure if my guilt was more for the young Knight of Fire I held in my arms, or for the one who died in my arms.
Goh shook, just like this, when the demon larva caught him off guard and managed to pierce his chest with its poison stinger. I could barely get my young arms around his broad chest as I held him, screaming as his blood seeped onto my body while the poison shut his system down and he died in convulsions. If not for Hajime, Shin and Mannen I would have been the next to die, as all thoughts of the battle left me as Goh's Leafe drained away and I was left with nothing but bloodstained hands and an aching heart.
"Kei..." Goh's voice brought my mind, once again, back to the present. "S...sorry..." He sniffed harshly and wiped his nose on his sleeve in an impatient gesture. "Sorry..." He tried to pull away but I held him tightly.
"No... I'm sorry..." I whispered back. "I don't know what to say to you... just that... this is part of what it means to be a Leafe Knight..." The sound of my own voice surprised me; it was thick with emotion, more emotion than I had ever shown since that night all those years ago. "You...never forget what its like to lose a comrade... but..." I trailed off. I was thinking more about the death of the previous Knight of Fire more at that moment than I had in all the years since it happened, and suddenly I felt like *I* was the one who wanted to be held. Sorrow, my constant and numb companion since that day, had never been so sharp, so painful. I took a deep breath and brought back the mask, pushing back the emotions I could never let out, knowing they would be too much for me to bear.
"You won't be the youngest knight anymore after this, Goh," I continued, my voice steadying again with each word. "When a Leafe Knight dies, another with his name is born to take his place..." I explained carefully, remembering Shin explaining the same thing to me what seemed like an eternity ago.
"I'll take care of them..." Goh whispered as his muscles began to relax, though his voice was still heavy with the sorrow of loss. "Hajime... Shin... Mannen... I'll raise them..."
"We all will... you, me, Hayate and Sasame... together," I answered, grasping at this new determination in Goh's voice, wanting to move away from the tears and emotions that being too close to Goh brought up in me.
"And I'll learn from this, too..." Goh pulled away from me and stood up. "...Kei... thank you... for that. And, um... don't tell Hayate and Sasame I cried, ne?" He asked, a tiny hint of his usual upbeat self creeping back into his voice, with a shy smile, (as if the two of them hadn't cried after the battle as well).
"I won't..." I nodded, but didn't smile. I don't smile, after all. And with that, he was gone and I was alone again. I sighed and stared down at my reflection in the stream. I had never felt so alone as I did that moment as it sank into me that Hajime, Shin and Mannen were gone. Oh, I had admitted it to myself already, but the message hadn't really worked its way from my brain to my heart. I realized I was the oldest knight now, and technically that made me the new "leader", in charge of the others.
Loss of the past, losses in the present and this new realization boiled inside me and I slapped angrily at the water, distorting my own beautiful reflection. "Screw it... I don't want it..." I said aloud. I wasn't sure quite what I meant but "I don't want it" was all I could think to say.
I didn't want to remember any more, to feel any more, or to cry anymore. I definitely didn't want the emotional investment that being the leader of the Leafe Knights was sure to be. I wouldn't do it. Hayate and Sasame could decide which one of them wanted the job, because it wouldn't be me.
I suddenly found myself wishing Goh would come back. Despite my efforts to return myself to the calm, emotionally-detached personality I had crafted for myself, I found myself thinking that if the young knight would return and hold me, I might be able to cry on his shoulder, too.
Maybe.