It still hurt, leaving Gon beneath the canopy of the Great World Tree. It had been a year since then, since Nanika healed Gon and Killua had sworn to protect her. A year since Killua angered his brother, Illumi, and after that, wishing him away.
Killua knew the consequences of antagonizing his brother. He understood that Alluka and Nanika were now in danger, with Illumi hunting them down.
So why didn't he kill him? Why didn't he use the power of his sister to rid himself of his family forever?
I don't know.
Killua knew he could kill them all now. He knew that Nanika would bend to his will if he only wished for it. He knew that he could free himself of his promise to protect his sister, that with only a whisper in her ear he could break the invisible chains that bound him to her protection. And maybe, he could join his best friend, Gon, with his search for his estranged father.
So why didn't he do it?
I don't know. I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.
There were no consequences to this. Gon would surely be furious if he knew, but Killua didn't have to tell him, he didn't have to tell him anything.
He could be happy.
He deserved this, right? He deserved to be with his precious friends. He deserved to be with Gon, Leorio, and Kurapika.
But instead he was protecting a child that could not be protected. A child, that no matter how far they could flee, was predestined to die.
So who was he trying to impress? What was he trying so vainly to prove? That he had changed? His hands, stained with the blood of countless men, women, and children alike, had the ability to heal and to guide?
Perhaps it was all a test. A test to assay whether he had truly changed, or if he was still cowering selfishly beneath the shadow of his uncertain future.
Then who was it all for? All the heartache? All those tears he had shed?
It wasn't for Gon, Kurapika, or Leorio. It wasn't for all the families he had destroyed in order to please his own.
It was an apology. His apology.
Not for anyone else.
But for myself.
A/N: Somebody save Killua ohmygod [ahem, GON]