Turn around. Yeah, that's right. Look at me. The color of your eyes is warm as ice and cold as the shiny surface of a summer lake. The twinkle in your eyes makes my cheeks burn, but I can't look away. The inexplicable magnetism is holding me in place and it's making me glare at you with desire and frustration in equal measures. I see your lips stretches wider. Anxiety is flooding my body, burning up my senses. Step, two, three.. you're close, too close now, and my first thought is to run, run, as fast as I can but part of me holds me tight still. Your hand find its way to my crook, almost too naturally, and it's unexpectedly comfortable. I can hear the echoing sound of your words and see the movement of your lips but my mind is dizzy right now - I lean on your arm, seeking the warmth which provides. I'm loosing my mind, clearly, whispers the quite voice in my head. Your tumb makes small circles just bellow my cheekbone,your pupils are dilated because of the smoky light that dims the room. I can feel my lips getting drier and drier within every second, my heart hammering in my chest louder and louder.
"Are you enjoying.. the party?" I manage to say, considering the drought in my mouth and the burning sensation of your hand.
"Shiny disco ball, careless teenagers and illegal stock of booze.. what on Earth could be missing?" You take a glance at the full room and I use the moment to take a sharp breath. My lungs feel like I haven't breathe in days. I decide for a bare second to blame the lack of oxygen in the room for the dizzy mind and the dry mouth.
But then again, you look at me with these cerulean blue irises. I'm drawn by their color and the flashes of adoration, tiny bits of concern and affection. And of course, love. It's igniting among the faint light. It hurts me to know that you feel that way and I just.. can't do anything on the matter. I really can't. But I hope the day will come when I won't be scared of so many things because I still have people I care about. And in fact, I'll put you in great danger if I selfishly decide to give in detailed consideration on exploring our current relationship and the future obstacles we'll be facing.
If you know what's on my mind right now, you probably would call me a coward. But maybe that's what I'm. I don't mind being a coward if rejecting you keeps you more safe than anything. And I should be honest, tiny part of me is glad I don't give it much thought, because.. nothing is certain around you. And the love..I lost too many people. And while I'm fairly convinced Stefan wouldn't bear the sight of me and you, walking down the street arm in arm, you somehow find the strength to do so, with that lazy smirk of yours and a charming look. Call me selfish, I can't loose Stefan. I lost too many people. And I know I should stop using that for excuse.. but I can't help it...
You drop your hand from me and my skin feels particularly cold. The loud music in the background is the only thing that keep us from the silence. I don't know what to say. I don't feel like making a small talks with you. Not really, not after everything we've been through. I feel like we've been burdened with something so consuming, so uncontrollable that we lost the privilege of a comforting chit-chat.
For a moment, I just think you would be so much better without me. And,for just a moment I wonder.. how I would be without you? Infinitely better or infinitely worse?
And there's a unfamiliar sting in my chest.
I look at you,like I was seeing your face for the first time.
"How did you changed my life?" I was tempted to ask,but couldn't bring my mouth to open.
However, that little question which popped in my mind from nowhere.. was my turning point. But now what, puzzled expression appearing on my face.
"So..now what?" I hear your voice asking me and I vaguely see the last few people leisurely directing themselves to the doors.
I exhale slowly. What am I supposed to answer?