THE LEGEND OF ZELDA:
THE OCARINA OF A LINK TO THE AWAKENING OF TIME
A disturbing parody by: Lunaretine
PRELUDE: GOD HELP YOU
Okay, this isn't a sequel or any crap like that. This is the story from the start to the finish. No in-between games or stories that confuse the hell out of you (and me too for that matter.) This is the tale of a young boy's run in with destiny, his life as he matures, the love he has for the bitchy heroine of our story, and the epic battles of fate (:::cough::::) fought between him and his arch-nemesis Ganon.
Now is where I'm supposed to advise you to cover your eyes and head for the hills, because this story is so vile, so perverse that it shouldn't be read by anyone. By combining elements from the past Zelda games up until Ocarina of Time, I have created quite a piece of work which would make any good Christian's eyes bleed. Characters and situations from the new games, such as The Wind Waker, will also be included later on in this epic parody. (Truth is, I haven't gotten up to writing those parts yet, dammit.) This story isn't to be taken literally and is only a fabrication of my pea-brain. Please don't expect anything the least bit serious or dramatic in this tale, because you certainly won't get it. It is a mere product of my insanity. I based the story in the world from Ocarina of Time, so Link and Zelda look as they do in the game. Ganon, on the other hand, is in his true pigish form as he was back in those kick ass 1980's cartoons. It's just funnier that way. There are also numerous pop culture references, ranging from Austin Powers, to South Park, to the Internet. Sure, they didn't exist in the Middle Ages, but they're sure as hell sweet.
The Legend of Zelda: The Ocarina of a Link to the Awakening of Time has earned a blown out R rating for adult language, situations, and a great deal of sexual humor. Hell, it shouldn't be read by anyone with an IQ over 30, as you would know better and turn your nose up into the air at this utter rubbish then use it to wipe your arse with. But for those who love a good parody and don't care that it's not 100% faithful to the actual storyline (which makes little sense anyway and is extremely convoluted) then I implore you to read on. But, if you're a stuck up fanatic who has his/her Ph.D. in Zeldaology, I strongly suggest that you turn back and run....RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!!!!!!!! Ah-em...aight here's the goddam story!
CHAPTER ONE: 'TWAS NOT A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN HYRULE
The year was 1091, Legend of Zelda time that is. The land of Hyrule was finally at peace, thanks to the courageous efforts of the Hero of Time. Ganon was banished (once again) into the Nether Realm and the Triforce of Power was returned safely to be united with its other two counterparts, Wisdom and Courage. Today in Hyrule was a time of celebration. Our Hero has just returned from whooping piggy ass for the umpteenth time, yet he is nowhere to be found.
Meanwhile, two thieves were taking advantage of the situation. Hyrule Castle was empty because of the festivities at Hyrule Castle Town, leaving the royal treasures there for the taking. The thieves were outside, trying to scale the castle wall.
"Do you think we'll be caught?" One thief nervously asked as he helped his partner hoist up a rope.
"Na," the other calmly answered.
"But what if Link catches us?"
"He won't." Thief #2 chuckled. "He's probably kissing the Princess' ass again."
"Let's just steal some rupees then leave."
"Why? You scared?"
"N-no!" the man stammered as he shook his head negatively.
"Big bad Link's gonna get you!"
"Shut up! This was your idea--"
All of a sudden, they heard rustling from the tree branches behind them.
"Did you hear that?" Thief #1 questioned. He dropped the rope and looked at his partner.
"Just the wind, that's all. Now help me with this damn rope!"
Then, out of the blue, a figure clad in green came crashing to the ground from the tree behind the gentlemen.
"Oww! My ass! I think I broke my butt bone! Jesus Christ--hey you two! What do you think you're doing?" the Hero of Time made his dramatic entrance and took his time returning to his feet. He let out a yawn, then stretched his arms high above his head.
"Uh, we're just...we were..." Thief #1 began to make up a lame excuse.
"Just checking something--" His cohort interjected, making a bad attempt to hide the rope behind his back.
"Yes, that's it!"
"Do you think I'm as stupid as I look?" Link frowned. Jeez...these guys are grade A assholes, that's for sure...
"No, of course not!"
"You're the Hero of Time!"
"That's right, I'm the Hero, not you two losers. Now, get out of here before I have to break my foot on your sorry asses!" As Link said this, he began to reach around his shoulder and made an attempt to unsheathe his sword from its holder thingie, but there was nothing there. "What the? Aw, crap!"
"Ha ha! The hero doesn't even have a weapon!" The thieves laughed.
Suddenly, the two saw something fall from the tree's branches, and make a "swish!" sound as it cut through the air. They quickly silenced their howls when they watched the item land neatly at Link's feet.
"Ah, here we go." the Hero smiled. He bent down and picked up his weapon. It wasn't just any ordinary weapon though. It was special.
"That's the Master Sword!" Thief #2 exclaimed, pointing a short, somewhat disgustingly hairy finger at Link.
"The sword of evil's bane!" His buddy chimed in, equally now ready to shit his tights.
"Yup, that would be my sword." Link simply said as he did some fancy fencing moves with it.
"What kind of uncoordinated hero are you?" the pudgy, hairy thief asked.
"I'm a damn good one, now scram before I have to actually use this thing!" the Hero threatened.
"AAGGHHH!!!!" the thieves screamed as they fled the scene.
"That's right, you best be running." Link triumphantly smirked to himself. He then raised an eyebrow at the cheery music and bullshit he heard in the distance, emanating from the town square. "Oh, party!" he skipped off towards Hyrule Castle Town.
The entire middle of town was set up with all sorts of tables, wagons, shops, and so on. People were dancing, laughing, eating, getting wasted, or anything that floated their boat. The King and his daughter were standing amidst to the crowd, waiting for their hero.
"My dear daughter," the King began. "Where is Link?"
"I don't know, Daddy."
"He should be here. This festival is only being held in his honor."
"He'll show up, Daddy." Princess Zelda reassured. ...He's probably locked in his bathroom again, doing disgusting things, as usual...
Link walked into the town square and immediately spotted the King and Princess. At the sight of her, Link felt his heart begin to flutter, while his stomach started to make funny noises. It was a warm, squishy feeling. You know...it was love. Well, it was either that or the runs.
"Okay Link, don't do anything dorkish....don't do anything dorkish..." he calmly said to himself as he walked over to the two. Apparently he was concentrating so hard that he tripped over a stray Cucco bird, which caused him to almost lose his balance and fall flat on his face. "Shit, that was pretty dorkish, now wasn't it?" Muttering to himself, he reached the royal pair and snuck up behind Zelda. He decided to surprise the Princess by taking a lock of her long blond hair and gently tugging on it. That got her attention.
"Link!"
"Hey, Zelda!"
She eyed him up and down. He looked very handsome today in his green tunic and white tights.
"Where were you, Link?"
"I was taking a nap in the tree outside your bedroom window and I woke up and fell out of it and hurt my--"
"Oh Link, there you are!" the King smiled, interrupting the Hero mid-sentence.
"Hello, your Majesty." Link politely bowed.
"Once again I would like to thank you for saving the kingdom from the evil clutches of Ganondorf....err....once again. Without you, Link, we are nothing!"
"Hey, no problem! All part of a hero's job...to save kingdoms and beautiful princesses." Link looked right at Zelda as he said the last part. Embarrassed, she put her head down and turned beet red.
"Well Link, you have fun. I'm gonna buy me an apple strudel!" the portly King waddled off, leaving Link and Zelda alone. The Hero turned to his princess.
"Hey Princess?"
"Yes?"
"Do you remember the promise you made to me before I left on my magical journey?" He asked, moving closer to her.
"No, I don't." she looked up at him innocently.
"Oh? Well I remember it quite vividly."
"And what was it?"
"You said that when I came back, you'd give me a kiss. Every time I was near death, like when I was about to fall of a very big cliff or when Ganon was frying my ass with his fireballs, I thought of the kiss. Your sweet, full lips against mine. That's what pulled me through, the thought of that kiss. So my dear lady, you owe me some tongue!"
She just stared at him.
"No, I don't recall ever promising you that."
"Okay, well you didn't promise tongue, but you did promise me a simple kiss!"
"Ohh, I remember..." Zelda grinned. She loved pissing Link off, it was so much fun!
"Yes, now, you owe me."
"So you want your kiss, huh?"
"Yeah, that would be nice." he sarcastically answered as he smirked at her.
"Fine then. Get ready, here it comes."
"Oh sweet!" He puckered up, closed his eyes, and bent down a little. She nicely planted a kiss on his forehead, then backed away. He opened up his eyes, shocked. "Uhh...Zelda, you're off about four inches. My lips are down here."
"Ohhh...you wanted it on the lips?"
"Yes, that was the idea."
"Well, you didn't say you wanted it on your lips, so I assumed anywhere would be fine."
"But I wanted it on the lips!"
"You didn't say that,"
"It was in the fine print of our promise!" Link whined, tightly holding his fists at his sides.
"I'm sorry," Zelda smiled. "Your turn is over."
"Aw come on!"
"Link?"
"Y-yes?"
"Would you like to share an apple pie with me? Impa baked it for us."
"No, I want my kiss, dammit!"
"Well, I'm going to get some pie." She started to walk away when he blocked her path.
"I want a kiss." He simply said as a grin developed across his face.
"Link!" Zelda giggled, trying to push past him.
"Nope Zelda, you're not gonna pass me!" he playfully grabbed her and they began to play-fight with each other, pushing each other back and forth, both laughing wildly.
In the distance, two old women were watching the pair.
"I just knew it." one said to her friend.
"What?"
"Look at that."
"Yes, what about it?"
"They better get together soon."
"Oh, I hope they do. I remember Link when he was a dirty little boy from the forest, no he's turned into such a strapping, handsome young Hylian man!"
"If I were young enough I'd go for him."
"So would I..." she licked her thin lips. Link was quite the piece of man-meat. Almost every chick in Hyrule wanted him...that was, every chick except for the chick he wanted back. Well, that'll change.
"That princess better put out soon."
"Little bimbo!"
Link, in the midst of fooling around, grabbed Zelda's hand and started to drag her through the crowd.
"Where are we going?" she happily squealed, tripping over boxes, people, Cucco birds, and the random dead body as Link pulled her along.
"You'll see!" he called back.
So he yanked her through the festivities, up the path to Hyrule Castle, and then over to the castle wall, where it was nice and quiet...and private. He took her under one of the archways so they wouldn't be seen. They both were out of breath from running so hard. Link leaned against the wall as Zelda subconsciously rested her head on his chest to catch her breath. The Hero immediately noticed. He wanted to put his arms around her and hold her close, but if he did, she might get upset and flip out on him. She was known for doing that.
A moment later, Zelda noticed the pounding of his heart on her ear and realized where she was. Ashamed, she pulled away and rested on the wall next to him.
"So, why did you take me here?" she asked.
With another stupid grin, Link suddenly moved in front of her.
"You know...I'm still holding you up for that kiss."
"Oh jeez, well I guess you're not gonna give up 'till you get it."
"Nope, you know me, hard-headed and stubborn."
"Well, okay, just don't make a big deal out if it, and you're lucky I'm in a good mood today."
"So you're going to give it to me?" he smiled, moving his face closer to hers. He could smell the sweetness of her skin (or was that bad breath?) and wanted her--badly.
"Here we go..." she grinned, moving her face closer to his. Their lips got closer and closer.
"No tongue?" Link smirked.
"No."
Their lips were like less than an inch apart when Zelda went to wrap her arms around him. She felt something on his back.
"You're armed...you brought your sword." she whispered.
Lips were very close together now.
"Uh-huh,"
"Wait--you still have your sword?" her voice got a tad bit louder.
"Yeah," he ignored her question and just wanted to kiss her.
"The--Master Sword?"
Link was just about to kiss her when he opened up his big mouth.
"Yup."
"YOU ASSHOLE!" she violently pushed him away.
"What did I do now?!" he yelled. ...What the hell did I say now? Dammit, I had to say something just now, didn't I? What the hell is wrong with me?...
"You were supposed to put it back after Ganon's defeat! It's supposed to seal him in the Evil Realm!"
"Well I kept it as a souvenir!"
"You can't! You must put it back before Ganon escapes--AGAIN!"
"Fine fine, but after our kiss-"
"No, do it now!" Zelda commanded, her large blue eyes sparkling with anger.
"Can't it wait 'till after-"
"NO!"
"Well excuse me, Princess!"
"Don't give me that crap! Go and put it back!"
"Fine! I'm gonna go right now!"
He was just about to storm off when suddenly the sky got real dark and it began to thunder and lightning and a whole bunch of little pink piggies came falling from the clouds, and a loud, familiar voice boomed:
"I AM BACK! 'TIS I! THE...THE...KING OF EVIL!"
"Aw, fuck me!" Link whined as he banged his head against the castle wall. ...I have just the luck! And right before I'm about to tongue Zelda. Ganon will pay...again...
"It's too late!" the Princess cried.
They both ran out from under the archway and could see a huge, luminous figure floating upside-down in the sky.
"Link!" the King yelled as he made his way over to them. "What's going on?!"
"He's back," Link muttered under his breath, his eyes cast downward.
"And it's all Link's fault! He didn't return the Master Sword to seal Ganon away!" Zelda screeched, punching Link in the arm.
"Hey! Quit blaming it on me!"
"Well it is your fault!"
"SHUT UP!" Ganon screamed. The three stopped bickering and looked up. "THANK YOU! LINK, YOU SICK SAD PATHETIC LITTLE MAN, IT IS YOUR FAULT I'M BACK! YOU FORGOT TO RETURN THE MASTER SWORD! HOW STUPID ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE DORK?!"
"Aw jeez, you know, I don't deserve this." Link growled.
"Yes you do!" Zelda barked, punching him in the arm a second time. Being abusive was fun!
"SILENCE!" Ganon commanded. "AFTER YOU KICKED MY ASS FOR THE EIGHT MILLIONTH TIME, I'VE COME BACK! WHAT A SHOCK! ...Gosh, I'm almost as pathetic as you, Link. I have no life...it's taken me countless times just to get this far--ANYWAY, THIS TIME I WILL BE TRIUMPHANT!"
"Link, do something!" Zelda cried as she hid behind him.
"What do you expect me to do, Zelda? Jump up fifty feet into the air and whack him? The last time I checked, I wasn't seven feet tall, black, and in the NBA--"
"You've done it before, now do it again!"
"You know, why am I always the one fighting? Can't I get a break?"
"You're the Hero of Time, do something, you dumbass!" the Princess begged again, getting tired of Link's psychobabble.
"I SAID SHUT UP!" the King of Evil cried. Link and Zelda stopped arguing. "NOW, WHILE LINK AND ZELDA WERE ABOUT TO PLAY SOME TONSIL HOCKEY, I STOLE...THE TRIFORCES!!"
"Oh no, not again!" Zelda yelped, shoving her face in Link's back.
He enjoyed that.
"Wait! How could you have stolen the Triforce if it's being heavily guarded and protected by the gods?" Link questioned, now focusing on the intruder.
"ERR...UHH...OKAY, I LIED! I DON'T HAVE THE TRIFORCE! BUT...I DO HAVE...MISS SNUFFLES!"
Miss Snuffles was Princess Zelda's beloved Persian cat, who was now being held high above Ganon's head (he was ride-side up now.) The cat meowed.
"Miss Snuffles!" Zelda shrieked in horror.
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph..." Link growled under his breath. "This shit just has no end, does it?"
"I'M HOLDING THE CAT CAPTIVE CUZ...I...I...I'VE GOT NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO! BWA HA HA! COME AND RESCUE HER--IF YOU DARE! Link, you remember where my castle is, of course, how could you forget? Well, I hope to see you soon...BWA HA HA!" Ganon disappeared along with the gray sky and piggies...and Miss Snuffles.
"Link! You have to-" Zelda pleaded before Link cut her off.
"Oh no! I'm not going to put my ass on the line for a stupid cat!"
"Link, you have to. Please?"
"No! I've been reduced to saving felines? If it was you, fine. But a cat?!" Link was tired of playing the hero. All he wanted to do was sleep and perhaps get laid by Zelda, but naturally, he was a sucker.
"Link, I would appreciate it if you saved my daughter's beloved pet. It would mean a lot to me," the King said.
The Hero of Time frowned. ...Crap. Now I can't get out of this...he thought.
"Yes, please Link?" questioned Zelda.
He gazed at her and she looked as if she was about to cry. He hated seeing her sad. ....God, the things I do for love. I wish I could kick my own ass and snap myself out of it...but she's so hot...
"Yes Zelda, I'll save your cat."
"Thank you!" she cried as she wrapped her arms around him.
Link just smiled and hugged her back. Hell, if he couldn't kiss her he wanted to hold her as close as possible.
"Thank you, Link. I understand that it's just a cat, but it's...err...it's special. Just a...special cat." the King said, probably having no idea whether or not his sentence was even coherent.
"Well I guess I better go prepare for another pointless adventure. I'll leave tomorrow morning." Link began to hold Zelda even tighter in his grasp. She didn't seem to mind, but squirmed a little at first.
"Oh, and Zelda, my dear?" the King addressed his daughter in a very matter-of-fact manner.
"Yes, Daddy?"
"You will be accompanying Link on his journey tomorrow."
"What?!" she screamed as she broke away from Link. The Hero's eyes lit up as he heard the news. "Why, Daddy?"
"It is your cat, and Link has just come back from a long adventure. He must be tired. Some company will do him some good."
"Yes, Zelda, your company will do me a whole lot of good." grinned Link as he put his arm around Zelda's waist. She angrily pushed it away.
"But I'm a princess! I'm not supposed to be running around doing whatever the hell Link does on those adventures!"
"Hey! I do lots of stuff!" Link snapped.
"Like what?"
"Umm...I pee in bushes! I eat wild berries! I hunt for my food! I live like a real man!"
"But I'm not a man!"
"Zelda, you wouldn't want to pee in a bush with me?" he joked.
"No!"
"Zelda, I think it would be a good idea if you went along. You have Link to protect you," her father butted in.
"Yes Zelda, I'll protect you." Link took the Princess into his arms again.
"Ohh, I don't want to..." she tried pleading with her father a second time.
"Come on, we'll have fun!" Link assured as he gently began to sway back and forth with Zelda still in his arms.
The Princess looked at her father, who had a stern look on his face.
"Okay fine! I'll go..." she sighed.
"Yay!" Link cheered as he gave Zelda a quick squeeze. "I should go get ready now, and pack away everything I had just unpacked. Poor Epona must be tired too, I'll get Aaron to give her some extra hay so she doesn't try to shit on me when I take her out in the morning."
"Good idea, Link..." the King made a face then forced a smile.
The three made their way back into the castle. Link went straight to his room to take a bath and relax his already aching muscles. He had no idea what the next day held in store for him and Zelda, but what he did know was that his feet frickin' hurt like a son of a bitch.
So he was sitting in his wooden basin bath thingie, playing with the bubbles and relaxing.
"I wish Zelda would accidentally walk in right now." he mumbled.
Then, something small and shiny came flying out of Link's spare tunic, which was spread out on his bed.
"Link!" it screamed.
"Oh God, Navi, don't come out when I'm in my bathtub!"
"Link! You left me in your other tunic! It reeks!"
"Well, I did wear that one on my last journey to nowhere. It's got sweat and dirt all over it-"
"So?! Now I smell! I'm getting in there with you!" she was just about to fly into the tub next to him when he began yelling.
"Oh no you don't! The only other female I want in here is Zelda!"
"Zelda! It's always Zelda Zelda Zelda! I hate that bitch! Don't you see that she's only using you? She'll have her fun with you then toss you aside. But me, I'd have so much fun with you..."
"Spare me, Navi. You're only three inches high." Link rolled his eyes. He was sick and tired of his faerie guide hitting on him. There was something not quite right about it, and not to mention that it was totally fucking bizarre.
She just ignored his comment and continued babbling.
"Link, you are way too good for that bimbo. You've rescued her bony ass a zillion times already, and what has she given you? NOTHING! Only a simple 'thank you', better luck next time!'"
"It doesn't matter, Navi."
"For what you do for that girl, she should at least get on her royal knees in front of you and-"
"Okay Navi, you've said enough! Quit making me more depressed."
"Oh, my cute, handsome Link. You don't need her." As she said this, she took a seat on his shoulder. Link released a sigh.
"Navi, I...I..."
"Y-yes, Link?" she anxiously asked.
"I love her."
Now Link never told anyone before about how he truly felt about Zelda. Navi wasn't shocked.
"I figured you did." she sadly said.
"Navi, I was so close today! I almost kissed her, and our lips were less than a millimeter apart! I had to open up my huge mouth and ruin it! Sometimes I hate myself. I want her so bad sometimes, like I can almost taste her delicious lips. I'm kissing her all over...her...scantily...clad...body..." As he went on and on, Navi made gagging noises. "Kissing her body, while pulling down whatever little chemise she's wearing, hearing her moan 'Oh Link, yes, yes!' Then I grab her, we fall onto the bed, and finally I-"
"WOAH! Calm down there, tiger! I think I was just about to regurgitate everything I've ever eaten. I don't think this bath is helping you at all!" the faerie screamed, waving her tiny arms up into the air.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I was getting off topic." Link apologized.
"No, you were getting too into the topic--literally! Link, I don't know how to break this to you, but your sick fantasy is never gonna happen! But, it can happen with me."
"Navi, you're an overgrown fruit fly! I can't even believe I'm pouring my heart out to you! God, I really am a loser!"
"Hey! You don't think I could show you a good time?"
"Navi, you'd never be able to be with me, why can't you understand that?"
"Why?"
"Because I'm human, you're a...a...an insect!"
"Oh yeah? I bet I could sexually satisfy you better than she could."
"Navi, my manhood is over three inches bigger than your whole body!"
The faerie blinked in amazement at Link's comment.
"Woah, really?"
"Look, it's pointless arguing with a flying roach."
"Fine, Link! But if Zelda does love you back, then she'll come and bang on your door asking to apologize about this afternoon!"
"Uh-huh, sure I wish-"
Suddenly, there was a knock on Link's bedroom door. God really does have a sense of humor after all. Link looked at Navi and stuck out his tongue.
"Link?" Zelda called from outside the door.
"Yes, Zelda?" the Hero answered back.
Navi got angry and quickly dived into the bath.
"Hey, get back here you virus!" He was just about to grab her when Zelda barged in.
"Link--oh! I'm so sorry!" she blushed and turned away.
The Hero of Time grinned. ...Yes Princess, bask in my half-naked glory!...
"It's perfectly fine, Zelda." he coaxed.
"Dammit, Zelda, you interrupted us!" Navi barked, as she floated on her back in the water.
The Princess made a face of disgust. She was just as fond of the faerie as the faerie was of her.
"Stupid roach," Link growled between gritted teeth as he instantly shoved Navi underwater.
"Link," Zelda began.
"Zelda, you can turn around."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah, the bubbles are still covering me." ...Damn bubbles!...
She slowly turned around, but kept her eyes glued to the stone floor.
"I'm sorry about calling you an asshole before." She spoke her words very timidly. Clearly she wasn't big on apologies. Her ego was just as overinflated as her empty skull.
"Oh, it's alright. I screwed up. It's my fault Miss Snuffles has been...catnapped." He raised his eyebrows at the pun. He couldn't resist.
"Yeah, well I'll talk to you later." She quickly walked out, shutting the door behind her.
Link removed his hand from over Navi's head, allowing her to pop up.
"Link!" she coughed. "You almost killed me!"
"Yeah almost. You had to see her face, Navi! She turned red! She wants me badly. I'm going to go and talk to her some more!" In a flash he jumped out of the tub and threw on his new tunic thing. He was just about to run out the door when Navi stopped him.
"Hey Link?"
"What?"
"Nice ass."
"...Thanks." He then darted off.
It was about 9:00 p.m., and the moon shone on the tower steps leading up to Zelda's bedroom.
"...She waits for me!" Link cheered to himself as he skipped up the steps. Upon reaching the landing, he saw that her door was open ajar, so he peeked in. She was already in her nightgown, sitting on her bed, and combing her long blond hair. "Don't do anything dorkish." he said to himself. He hesitated at first, then finally knocked on the door.
"Yes?" came the Princess' reply.
"It's me, Zelda."
"Oh, come in."
He walked in and shut the door.
"Hi," he stupidly said.
"Hi..." she replied, carefully eyeing him over. ...Hmm...what does he want? He looks rather delicious, but then again, he always does. Except when he's dirty and smelly. Oh, but that's so kinky!...
"Umm...you wanna talk?"
"About what?"
"Anything."
"Well, okay."
"Okay!" he sat down next to her on the bed. It was quite awkward.
"I'm sorry about walking in on you like that before." she apologized, lowering her head.
"That's perfectly fine." he smiled.
"Navi's very annoying" Zelda continued.
"Yeah, she is. I just call her the 'flying roach.'"
Zelda giggled at his remark. Link moved a little closer to her.
"Zelda?"
"Yes?" she picked her head up. Their eyes locked in a stare.
"You still owe me my kiss." Link's voice got nice and soft.
"Yes, well no chance of that happening soon." she smiled.
"Please, Princess?"
"Nope, better luck next time."
A moment of silence. They still stared deep into each other's eyes. The sexual tension was going off the scale. Link moved his face closer to hers, but Zelda got scared and quickly stood up. She walked over to her balcony, leaving him behind in bewilderment.
"What a lovely night." she absently said.
"Yes...lovely." he mumbled.
He got up and joined her on the balcony.
"What time are we leaving tomorrow?" she asked.
"Bright and early!" Link exclaimed with a smile.
"Oh, how much stuff should I bring?"
"Just the clothes on your back and some food. We're gonna be living like homeless people for the next week or so!"
"Sounds exciting. I just want Miss Snuffles back."
"You'll have your precious kitty back soon, in three shakes of a lamb's tail!"
Zelda weirdly stared at Link for that comment. It was quite queer.
"Err, nevermind I even said that. Hey, look!" Link pointed to a fat guy sitting underneath the balcony.
"Who is that?" Zelda asked, startled.
"I dunno, but he'll go away soon."
"Link, what are you going to do?"
The Hero began to make funny noises in his throat and nose.
"Link?" Zelda cried, having no idea what he was up to.
In all his glory, Link spit out a huge loogie and it landed squarely on the fat guy's head.
"Eww!" Zelda screamed, revolted. "Why are you men so gross at times?"
The guy turned around and looked up.
"Zelda!" He cried, shocked. It was her father.
"Crap!" Link immediately ducked behind the balcony's stone ledge.
"Oh, hi Daddy."
"Zelda! That was very unlady-like!"
"I'm sorry...err...I have a bit of a cold and-" she began to make the same noises Link had previously done before releasing the glob of phlegm.
"Princess, don't do things like that! Only gross and vile men do!"
Zelda heard Link giggle at the King's remark.
"Sorry, Daddy. It'll never happen again."
"It better not! Now you should be preparing for your journey tomorrow. Link doesn't need an unprepared Princess to bog him down!"
Link gazed up at Zelda, who was looking down at her father. She looked so pretty...so vulnerable. ...Don't think like that, Link!...he told himself.
"Goodnight, sweetheart. And I hope your cold gets better." the King told his daughter, his voice still stern.
"'Night, Daddy."
The King waddled away into some dark corner somewhere.
Angry, Zelda looked down at Link, who was sitting there was a huge grin on his face.
"You idiot! You got me in trouble!" she growled.
"Well, excuse me, Princess!"
"Get out of here! Go back to your room, and that's an order!"
"Oh, you're ordering me around now? You know I'll do anything you'd order me to do." he stood up and gently wrapped his arms around her waist. He could feel her slender body through the silk nightgown.
"Get your horny ass out of here!" she hissed, pushing him away.
"Is that an order?"
"Yes!"
"Fine, I must obey my Princess. See ya in the morning." Link kept his cool as he walked out of Zelda's room, but as soon as he began walking down the stairs, he flipped out. "Oh God, Oh God, I'm gonna burst if I don't-"
He raced to his room and slammed the door shut. Horny as all hell, he began to undo his pants, when he saw Navi sitting on the bathtub's rim.
"Link, what are you doing?" she questioned.
"Get out of here! I have...unfinished business to attend to!" He exclaimed, almost at a loss for words.
"What? Huh?"
"Navi, I'm gonna burst if I don't do this! Leave!"
"If you don't do what?"
"Jesus Christ--get out!!"
"Are you thinking about Zelda again?"
"Yes!"
"I knew it! Oh well, fine! I'll leave you alone then." she flew out through the keyhole in the door.
"Jesus, I can't even be alone any--ooh yeah...that's it...nice Zelda..."
For the remainder of the night, Link was as happy as a clam!
Hi there! I posted this on Fanfiction.net because I'm curious to hear people's reactions. It's written in a very different style than my other entry under the Super Mario section, Kamek Tirro's Diaries. Parody writing is where my heart is, and I tend to come up with some sick stuff. Warning: I'm not politically correct at all, and I'll make fun of everyone and everything. Reviews would be sweet. :)