she knows its coming.
It's been building like a crescendo all year, at first it was just background noise. You could ignore it if you concentrated hard enough. If you ignored the papers and the whispers and the grim looks. Focused on the lighter happier things. But some things are inescapable. It was being carried in the air, hanging and sometimes she'd look behind her- thinking someone was following, watching, but it was empty, just the wind stirring leaves. Winter comes and things move faster, the air is icy cold, tensions building. It's inescapable now. You can't ignore it no matter how hard you try and my god does she try. But even that is worse than when it's over. When a body falls and you don't know who to trust. The heat after Dumbledore death is stifling. The silence is worse. Everything is noiseless, motionless. Nothing happens but the feeling stays. Malignant fear.
She knows he doesn't love her.
She knows the pattern because she's watched her mother a thousand times. She always thought when it was her she could break it. it turns out it's not that easy, you get caught up in you see, the whirlwind. the emotions. Lavender's never been addicted to something like she is to love. It's intoxicating, that feeling- of being needed, wanted, loved (although of course it isn't love). and it makes her feel pretty, girls are supposed to be pretty that's the unwritten rule. Although it's written, some girls carve it into their skin, others write it through visible collars and jutting elbows and of course it's emblazoned across billboards and magazines if you look close enough. She vowed to be pretty, when she realised first she couldn't be clever and lavender doesn't do anything by halves. Ron looks at her like she's pretty but he looks at Hermione like she's beautiful and Lavender starts to know she should get out before she gets hurt, dump him first. But she can't and she should lighten up, she should stop clinging but she can't help herself. She feels her pushing him away because she can't help but pull. Like her mother, who'd leave endless messages on her boyfriends answer phones. She rationalises it in her head. Maybe he doesn't realise how much she likes him. men, her mother has told her need stuff spelled out. She's starting to drown in the emotion, it thickens around her but she needs him, so she struggles. If only she'd let it carry her. She knows that he doesn't love her. But she feels that she can change his mind.
She doesn't know what to call herself.
There are so many names and words thrown around in those first few weeks. So many categories. Gryffindor, ravenclaw, slytherin, hufflepuff. Muggle born, half blood, full blood, muggle, squib. People look at lavender expectantly. I don't know. Is all she can say. They're shocked so she offers up- my mums a muggle, but it's not enough for them. Her mother refuses to talk about her father. But she didn't seem surprised when Lavender got her letter, so maybe… Later on she starts to think maybe she's a squib. Or just a plain ordinary muggle. That they got it all confused and she shouldn't be here. No matter how hard she tries at magic, it never comes naturally. Until divination that is. Divination makes her believe she might actually be a real witch. And not just anyone but someone with a power, with a gift. She's teased and called stupid when she predicts doom and gloom for the future. But what else is their to predict? Things always turn bad- people age and get sick and died, promises are broken and everything is a lie. Anyway it's turning out that she's right. There's no glory in being right this time.
she doesn't know why they care.
About killing voldemort that is. Sure he's scary; terrifying in fact and when he talks at Hogwarts every inch of her skin crawls. Everytime he spits the word Muggle out she had to bite her lip to stop the shudder. But she doesn't dream about him at night. He's not the nightmare, he's not the thing, the darkness that has crawled inside her and the others. They talk about voldemort (infact, they made a pact to say his name). the thing they never talk about. Because even when he's dead, if he dies, (if, if, if if harry succeeds, if harry returns, if the order come…) things won't end. They won't be able to become the people they once were. That's not how it works. Once you've changed you can never change back. (They all see the thestrals now, smiles are so rare they ache on their faces and they've cried all the tears they'll ever cry) and the world has changed. Neville thinks that if they can just do it, if the order, or harry or him or the DA can just kill voldemort, that it'll be over. Her and Luna exchange a look. Ginny is nodding, and affirming that if anyone can do it, Harry can. But Lavender knows no-one can put the pieces back together. Once you've seen what people are capable of... even the teachers pretend not to notice their scars.
A/N: I've ignored the fact Mr Brown is mentioned and that on one of JK's lists she was pure-blood.
Also re: the anorexia reference, I understand that the results of anorexia are NOT pretty and that for many it is not about striving for aesthetic perfection. Having said that I included this reference because a few people I know have spoken about how the pressure to be beautiful leads to eating disorders. I hope this is not triggering for anyone.