Will sat on the divan, back ridged and hands gripping the decorative pillow that lay in his lap. His glacial eyes, so vibrant but a few hours ago, now stared blankly at the storm that raged outside of the institute's stone walls. Lighting streaked across the dark, tumultuous sky, highlighting the shadows beneath his sharp cheekbones.
Tessa felt like crying out. She felt like shaking him – perhaps even shaking Jem. Could nobody see? Was there not a single person within that library that did not notice the tiny fissures within Will's iron-like armour crack open into large, gaping holes? Were they all blind?
Charlotte murmured softly to her husband, casting a worried glance in Will's general direction. She hesitantly began to make her way towards the young man, only to stop in the middle of the large room. "Will," she began softly, "come and let us rest. We will sort this all out on the morrow–"
"I need to see my sister." He did not even glance her way as he interjected, voice uncomfortably subdued.
Charlotte hesitated, her hand reaching towards the boy reflexively. "Will, Cecily is exhausted – she all but fainted as soon as she stepped inside…"
As Jem stroked soothing circles onto the back of her hand, Tessa could not help but notice Will's tighten. "Leave me be, Charlotte. I need to think."
Henry slowly stood up and took his position behind his wife, taking her small, calloused hand in his own. Charlotte did not seem to notice as she stared at the boy who she had come to love like a beloved younger brother – perhaps even a son on some level.
"Will, please -" She began.
Will's eyes flashed darkly as he bolted upright, hands balled into tight fists. "Leave me be, Charlotte!"
His voice boomed throughout the large expanse of the library. Apart from his ragged breath, the room fell silent. Jem frowned, a flash of brotherly love illuminating his silver eyes.
"Will, Cecily is safe here in the institute. Do not burden yourself with the poisonous thoughts that I am sure are running through that illogical mind -"
Will jerked his face away from the people who were for all respects and purposes his family. All these years, he had pushed them away. It was difficult, especially for one so young, but Will had always reminded himself that Jem's love and friendship was enough. Their brotherhood rivalled even that of the closest of blood siblings. Their parabatai bond had, for a long time, been the only source of connection to another human being Will permitted himself. But Will did not love Jem because he was the only one he allowed himself to care for. No, it was not out of desperation. Will loved – loves – Jem because he had always risen above his illness, his misfortunes. Even during those few times he had fallen prey to his despair, Jem had accepted the love and strength his parabatai willingly extended to him. Jem was – is – strong. One of the strongest people Will knew.
But…Tessa.
Will turned his back to the people he loved.
Enough.
"Please…just go." He whispered, voice soft.
Henry gently encircled his wife's wrist with his large fingers, lightly tugging her towards the exit. "He will be ok, Charlotte. Come, let us rest," he murmured, tucking a stray curl behind her ear. Charlotte nodded reluctantly, casting one more glance towards Will before letting her husband lead her back to their rooms. Tessa kept her gaze on Will, her throat burning with guilt – guilt for his pain, guilt for not doing anything at that very second, guilt for not simply standing up and embracing him tightly within her own arms.
Jem sighed softly, eyes mournful. When Tessa glanced his way, he quickly arranged his expression into one of gentle fondness. He stood up, offering her his arm.
"Jem, we cannot just leave him!" Tessa whispered, heart beating furiously. Jem hushed her softly, tracing the deep, worried lines across her brow. "Tessa, do not worry. As soon as I escort you to your room, I will race back and speak with him." He said.
Tessa sighed, shaking her head. "No, I am fine – I can walk myself. Just…stay with him, Jem." Before he could protest, she quickly stood and rushed out into the hall. As the ancient door slowly swung close, Tessa caught sight of Will's reflection within the imposing glass window. His eyes where clenched as if in pain and a single tear ran down the curve of his cheekbone.
When Tessa stumbled her way back into her compartment, she gave in to her anguish.
Hours had passed and Tessa had not been able to fall asleep. Her eyelids felt as heavy as bricks, and yet they did not grant her the gift of slumber. Even when she shut her eyes, her mind did not stop churning and clicking away, so much like the mechanical dials of a clock. Unlike one of Henry's creations, however, her thoughts made her want to cry out in bitter frustration rather than hide a silly grin.
Tessa had tried to count sheep as her aunt once advised her to try. She had attempted to empty her mind countless times over the past few hours, but to no avail. How could she simply stop thinking when her thoughts were like a broken glass window; its shards crushed and embedded into the very lining of her brain.
Tessa was not even granted the mercy of a satisfied heart and the steadfast thoughts that were associated with it. How could she trust in her own heart when it was just as conflicted as she?
Pale skinned yet hot to touch – his fingertips scorching her as he pulled her towards him. Standing face to face and chest to chest, his drug-sweet breath swirled across the planes of her cheeks. His kisses were like gentle gusts of air, heady with the fragrance of summer fruits. Rather than overpowering her like so many in Tessa's life had attempted to do, Jem let her breathe – let her float on a cloud above the grief and sadness and loneliness of her life. He did not hide it from her, but rather made sure that she knew that she had the power of overcome it all. Jem made her feel at peace. This did not mean, however, that his lips were not insistent and rough – soft as they were. His violinist's fingers ran across her body, playing her like his beloved instrument. He knew which notes made her sing, made her cry out. His long fingers traced the curves of her breasts, trailing down to the arc of her hip. His hand then followed the pathway down her arm, sending shivers down her spine. Taking her small hand in his, Jem touched his lips to her open palm in a closed, chaste kiss – sliver eyes locking with her own…
Tessa groaned, flipping onto her left side. A light sheen of sweat coated her forehead as she felt the rising beat of her heart through her eardrums.
The room darkened and suddenly, glacial blue eyes shone beneath a fringe of thick, dark lashes. A swirl of rose pink stained his cheeks as he flushed with breathlessness. Tessa could feel his large, warm hands encircling her waist that was perhaps a little stockier than most girls' her age, but this did not cross her mind at the time. Because he was touching her. He was gently yet firmly pulling on her long chestnut hair so that her neck was offered to his lips. Tessa gasped as she felt his hot breath on the pale column of her throat. His gentle kisses made her shiver, but when she felt his slippery tongue draw swirls beneath her ear, Tessa lost all manner of thought. Down through the tunnel of blind passion she fell, forgetting the very meaning of propriety and decorum. Not even the wild heroines of her novels acted in such as a way as she did at that moment. To give oneself to carnal temptation was the bridge crossed to a life of sin and debauchery. She had known that, truly she did. But when she was in his arms, feeling him grip her as if to fuse them into a single being…well, she was lost. And so was he.
Tessa felt like screaming out in frustration. How could she do this? How could she drive a wedge between the two most important people in her life? The two boys who made her feel loved and desired and worthy and as if she for once in her life actually belonged somewhere? For better or for worst, Will and Jem were her family – more than just her family, if she were to be true to her heart. But was it truly possible to shield both of them from pain?
'No', she thought, 'it isn't.'