"Harry Potter and the Omegle Chat Log"
"You're a wizard, Harry," grunted the giant.
"Jon Snow dies at the end of book 5," Harry blurted out impishly, lips curled back into a unnervingly large grin.
"LOL THE FUCK" blurted out Dudley, who had been slinking at the back of the room, eyeing the cake the giant had placed in the corner of the room before advancing on Harry to inform him of his wizarding lineage.
"Wow," muttered Harry under his breath, "Okay man. Swag."
"Uhhhhh," began Hagrid nervously, obviously unhinged by the direction the conversation had taken.
"Harry who?" queried Uncle Vernon, who had just come down the stairs, toting a shotgun in his thick, burly arms. Aunt Petunia cowered behind him, using his considerable mass as a shield between herself and the giant downstairs.
"Harry Potter presumably," Harry replied before turning to face Hagrid, "Can I ask you something? What is your species' main weakness?"
"No."
"What?"
"No. No no no no no no no. Neil."
"Huh? Neil?" asked Harry inquisitively, "Who the hell is Neil?"
"Who the hell are you?" screamed Hagrid in retort; spit flying angrily from his hairy lips.
"I am your mother, Hagrid," smiled Harry, high-fiving Dudley on the sly.
"WHATS WITH THESE AWKWARD HARRY POTTER 'QUOTES'?" Hagrid screamed in frustration.
"FUCK YOU HAGRID!"
"Ạ̫̳̟̝̜̮̘̻͓̤̻̈ͮ̅̆͋̐l̘̟̠̭͕̼̜̙̗͌̏̿̈̄ͥͣ̉ͧ̂̈́̾ͦͅw̥̖͍͕̰͍̘̘͈̽ͫͭ̂̈́͌ͅa̩̞̖̤̦̠͔̖̬͈̳̋̃̉ͥ͆ͪ́̉͛ͮ̔̏ͫ̈́ͤ̓̚y͇̗͈̻̲̣͔̹̞̳͖̮̥̌ͫ̓̇̑ͤ͌ͣ͂̓̅ͭ͌͒ͅs̠̥̺͇̤͍̫͚̯͇̼̪͙ͬ͆ͪ́̿͌́͐ͅ ͔̗͚͈̞̳̤̺̯̻ͯ̐ͬ̌̾̏͂́̿̀̅̚̚ẇ̜̤͉̻̪̘̞̦̮̮̲͓͓̮͚̪̮̽͂ͪ̈́͆ͭ̂͛̚ͅa̟̞̗͇͆̃͑ͭ̍̋t̖̮̬̍͆ͨc̞͙̳͇̰͖̭̳̰̱̼̩͈̮ͣ̋̀͒̊̈̓̿̇̃͊ͯ̊ͬ̋̂ͪͅh͕͓͙̳̞̪ͤ̾̉̒̃̎̎ͬͤ͑̀ͦ̂̽e̯̯͉̯̭̖̓̏̉̎͌̍̓͛͐͑̚s͈͖̤͇̖̫̗̗̗͔͍̦͉̬͇̘̠͒ͨ̀̈̈́,̼͙̞̻̩̼̪̯͇͙̌̈̇ͪͪͮ̅̈́͑ ̣̞͚͚̰̼̪͍̦̼̻̙̼̣͖̦̤̥̯ͧ̄̒ͥ̉̈́̽ͨN͉͚͕̙̼̞͉̘̟̥̻̖̰͖ͩ͌ͦ͊͑̉̀ͮͅͅO̥̟̭̝̤̝̬̍ͪͩ͆̆͊ͫͤ́ ̼̬͚͓̼͖̼̝͓̝ͮ̐̒̔̃̓ͣ̉̌̏E͓̤͇͎̖̻̥̤̬̹̮̟̩̰̪̞̒̒ͧ̚Y̭͕̘̪͚̪̤̞̻̰ͪ̅̄ͬ͂ͨ̒̔̌̾͂̑ͯ̊͋ͧ̚É̮͎̬͎̜͍̩͇͍̘̒̇̐ͮS̝̫͔̼̜͇͎͉̬̻͇̝͍̻̖̥ͮ͐ͮͧ͗͊̉̔ͬ̆ͬͨ͌̀ͅ.̘̰͈͔͈̠̙̥̰͎̾̆͂ͫ̂̿ͩ̾ͭ̏ͭ̎̇͐ͧͅ" observed Aunt Petunia.
"So what brings you here anyway," asked Uncle Vernon, desperate to end the inane shouting match the giant's visit had ultimately descended into.
"Boredom," shrugged the giant who finally introduced himself as Hagrid, "All human acts are the cause of the will to feel good."
"Holy shit! What an inspiration!" scoffed Harry sardonically, while Dudley quietly inquired as to what the hell Hagrid was talking about.
"What the hell are you talking about?"
"What an enlightment!" Harry gasped in mock-appreciation, sarcastically making his disdain for Hagrid's antics well known.
At this point, Hagrid had had enough of this pointless inanity and finally disconnected.
FIN