Disclaimer: THEY'RE MINE! ALL MINE! Nah.
A/N: This one's much happier than my last one :D Based off experiences from our school's Crossroads program on 'Sexuality'. Yeah, we had a condom war. And my teacher is so awesome, she stole condoms from other groups and let us have a condom relay. And she blew up a condom balloon. ENJOY, YEAH? :D
"Yo, Cuddles! Heads up!"
Lisa Cuddy turned around as Greg House threw a small balloon at her head. She reached out reflexively and just caught it in her fingertips. Upon closer inspection, she realized it was not a balloon after all.
"House!" she yelled. "What the hell are you doing?"
"Clinic duty," he said, limping over to her.
"Well, what's with the condom?" she asked suspiciously.
"Educating a pair of idiots on how not to use one," he rolled his eyes. "And they wonder why she's growing a parasite inside of her." He grabbed the condom balloon out of Cuddy's hands. "We should have a class on this," he continued.
"Yeah," Cuddy agreed sarcastically. "So you can make more condom balloons? You wish."
"It would be for purely educational reasons," House said seriously, squeezing the condom balloon in his hand.
Cuddy nearly snorted. She picked up a folder on the bench and began reading. "Well, I guess if you're doing your clinic duty…" she reached for a nearby pen and neatly wrote her signature on the line. "If you're done with the 'idiots', there are other patients waiting-" Cuddy did not get a chance to finish her sentence as House had flicked another condom at her which landed right in her cleavage.
Cuddy's jaw dropped as she stared down at the piece of rubber hanging out of her top. Taking advantage of the distraction, House gripped his cane and limped away in the other direction. Cuddy growled and muttered something unintelligible. Ignoring the curious looks from patients and nurses in the clinic, she ripped the condom out of her top and chased after House into Exam Room 2.
Gaining up to him, she carefully took aim and flung the condom at his head. She smirked as the rubber hit its target, causing House to stop and turn around. He hadn't fully expected Cuddy to retaliate by throwing it back at him. The smirk remained on her face as Cuddy closed the door behind them, trapping them both in the room. She spotted the opened condom box on the bench and grabbed it, ripping open a packet skilfully with her teeth.
House grinned. "You know, if you wanted to put a condom on me, all you had to do was ask."
This time Cuddy really did snort. "Yeah, like you'd let me."
House held a hand up in defence, "Hey, I'll let you come as close to me as you like."
Cuddy lifted the condom up to her eye level. "I won't miss," she said, aiming at House's head. She willed her fingers to grip the slippery rubber knowing how embarrassing it would be if she dropped it. She made sure not to let any bits of lubricant drip onto her clothes, not wanting to risk staining her new pencil skirt.
House dropped the balloon in his hand and reached into his pocket, pulling out an unopened packet. He tore open his packet and unrolled the condom. "Gee," he wondered mockingly. "I sure hope lubricant doesn't stain."
Cuddy glared at him. It was like he read her mind. "You wouldn't dare."
House didn't answer. Keeping his eyes on her, he took a step towards the cabinet and took out a bottle of lubricant. He grinned evilly as her eyes widened. "Why the heck do we even have that in an exam room?" she wondered aloud.
"I was using it for my demonstration before. Also used our banana penis, but I hid that in a secret place in case the idiots snatched it. Can't have them stealing poor, ol' Slippy, now can we?" he said sincerely.
Cuddy stared at him. "You named the banana penis Slippy? No, wait. Of course you did." Her arms dropped as she sighed exasperatedly.
House moved around the exam seat and was amused when Cuddy edged away from him by going in the other direction. He shuffled, trying to get closer to her but Cuddy began to half-run, half-walk away from him. House smirked, loving where his game was heading. He pointed the bottle tip at her and started to chase her around the seat.
"House!" Cuddy shrieked. "Stop it!"
He grinned. It was difficult, he admitted, to run with a cane, but it would be worth it. He and Cuddy made a few laps around the chair, Cuddy screaming out threats at him and House ignoring her. He briefly wondered how she could run, even skip, in her heels and he put it down to some kind of feminine superpower.
House grew tired of chasing after Cuddy and when she rounded the edge of the chair, he changed his direction and faced her. Cuddy tried to stop but the task was impossible with the shoes she was wearing combined with her momentum. She crashed into House, knocking them both to the ground. House grunted upon impact with the floor then winced as Cuddy landed on top of him. Cuddy moaned and tried to sit up but she ended up straddling House instead.
"Oh, I hope you're not wearing any underwear," House said tightly as Cuddy shifted on top of him, her skirt making her feel uncomfortable. She made sure to be mindful of his leg.
She smiled mysteriously and leaned in towards him, her hair tickling his face. House swallowed. "But is hoping enough?" Cuddy said in a low voice.
"You're cruel," House said roughly, his throat dry.
"Just a bit," she said, her face remaining close to his.
House could swear she was moving closer. Gosh, her eyes are huge, he thought absently.
Suddenly out of nowhere, Cuddy's hand shot out and grabbed the forgotten bottle of lubricant that had fallen during the tumble. "Hah!" she squealed triumphantly and pushed herself off him, grabbing the table for support as she stood up. Her outfit was way too restricting for this kind of activity.
House pushed up his upper body and rested on his elbows. "Aww, come on, Cuddles," he whined. "We were just getting to the good part."
Cuddy grinned and winked at him, clutching the bottle firmly. "Maybe next time. But for now, I think I won this round." Still grinning victoriously, she spun on her heel, opened the door and strolled out, her head held high.
House, still on the floor, watched her go. His lips curled upwards as he spotted the condom he was holding hanging off her right heel. He had managed to pierce the rubber into her right heel while she was on top of him. He laughed to himself as Cuddy left a faint trail of lubricant behind her as she walked, smiling confidently at the nurses and patients, unaware of the unwanted companion tracing her path. House was sure she had a meeting with a donor in less than five minutes.
He shook his head, still laughing smugly. "No, Cuddles. I won this round."
A/N: Whaddya think? ;) -goes off humming the condom song by Lisa Edelstein in Positive Me-
P.S. Also? I'm thinking of how absolutely amazing it would be if Lisa Edelstein got a Twitter. I think I would die. Oh my gosh.