So I rewrote a thing (now deleted because I never want to see it again) and I hope it's better than it was originally, because I'm much more proud of this one than I was of the other. I hope you enjoy! (this is also unbeta'd so please ignore any grammatical errors I missed while going over it oops)
Go follow my anime dump, at ackerdude on tumblr if ya wanna
Eren wakes up gasping.
He shoots up from the bed with a yelp, and can feel tears leaking down his face against his will. Cold sweat is matting his bangs to his forehead, and he can feel the cool dampness seeping through his shirt which is clinging to his skin. He pants as he tries to catch his breath from the intensity of the nightmare.
She's dead.
No.
He flops back down on the pillow and digs the heels of his hands into his eyes, angrily trying to wipe away his tears, but they just keep coming. The silent sobs seem to be never ending as he tries to forget the things he's just seen, the things he's been seeing every night after he goes to sleep.
Over and over again all he can see is Mikasa struggling in the Smiling Titan's grip, the monster crushing her just as it had his mother, before placing her in its disgusting mouth.
Every. Damn. Night.
He groans in frustration and rubs his face one more time before swinging his legs over the edge of the bed and placing his bare feet onto the hardwood floor.
He leans his elbows on his knees and fists his hands in his hair, pulling at the strands, hoping the pain will somehow distract him from his inner turmoil and calm the rapid thumping of his heart, which he can feel all the way to his toes.
Ever since that day in the field, Eren's dreams have consisted of hardly anything other than the horrible events that took place. It was the day the military lost over one hundred soldiers just to get him back, the day he once again saw the titan that killed his mother, the day Hannes died fighting said titan trying to avenge his mother, and the day he almost lost Mikasa.
The last part was what really stuck with him.
It had been a few days since, and it had given him plenty of time to overthink the situation they had been in; what he could have done, should have done, to prevent it or at least prevent her from getting injured as she did.
He winces as he remembers her shallow breaths as she clung to his back while they rode back to the walls, soft whimpers of pain escaping her every other inhale.
He still can't believe he had been so useless sitting next to her on the grass, had been so cowardly that he was unable to move a muscle until the very last second. He had almost cost them their lives.
He can't believe he broke his promise to his mother.
He hates he couldn't protect Mikasa as he should have. He could've prevented putting them in that entire situation had he just been able to get a grip on his emotions, but instead he got Hannes killed and Mikasa hurt.
Mikasa has always been a constant in Eren's life, the one thing he could count on no matter what and he's taken it for granted all these years.
She had been by his side when facing the bullies when they were children, had been by his side to share his grief when his mother was eaten, had been there when they were forced to leave their home as refugees to move behind Wall Rose, and she had been beside when he decided to join the military.
He has to admit, when she first insisted on joining the military, he was less than thrilled. In fact, he was furious. It was supposed to be his fight and she was supposed to go on with her life as normally as she could; make new friends, grow up, have a family, and not worry about anything besides what remained within the walls.
Instead, she chose to fight by his side.
Although he would never admit it, Eren grew to be grateful that Mikasa decided to join the Scouts. She was a comfort to him, a piece of home in the hell they all lived in, and he knows now more than ever that he doesn't deserve the loyalty she's shown him all these years.
But there was always a seed of dread planted in the pit of his stomach, telling him that one day her luck was going to run out, that one day he is going to lose her too. It was from this tiny seed his nightmares grew.
The nightmares always consist of him losing her, of losing that small bit of home and family he has left.
He constantly dreams of what might have happened had Hannes not intervened in the field when he did, what might have happened if he hadn't finally gotten the guts to punch the Smiling Titan away, or if that bullshit miracle of being able to order the titans on Reiner hadn't been possible.
Eren tightens the grip he has on his hair as he comes back to the present, shaking his head viciously as if it would get rid of the cruel thoughts traveling around his brain. He lets out another frustrated growl before forcing himself to his feet, with only one thing in mind.
To see her.
After days of trying to cope with these nightmares, Eren stands up, realizing he can't take anymore of dealing with these horrible nights alone.
He knows he needs to go to her, as he's been too afraid to face her since that day. Not because he thought she wouldn't forgive him, no, he knew she probably already had. It's because he knows he doesn't deserve to take comfort in her after he almost failed her.
He sighs as he makes his way to the girls' wing of the base, telling himself over and over that he really doesn't deserve her forgiveness for what had happened that day. They had been staring death right in its smiling mouth and he hadn't been able to move until it was almost too late.
It was only when she had begun to lean into him that he was able to snap out of it. Her eyes had been brimming with tears, falling down her porcelain cheeks, and the softest smile he had ever seen had been gracing her lips. It was that smile that woke him up. He realized he would do anything to see it again and again and again.
A gruff voice brings Eren back from his thoughts, the noise startling him slightly as he begins to come back out of his own head.
"Jaeger."
Eren groans silently. Levi. Of course it would be Levi.
Eren turns slowly, trying not to snap at his superior for interrupting his mission. He takes a deep breath, "Yes, sir?"
Levi's face remains impassive as he crosses his arms over his chest, but his eyes are glinting with suspicion.
"Why exactly are you out of your room this late?" Levi questions, "And in the women's quarters of all places?" He arches one of his eyebrows.
Eren lets out a huge breath of air, too spent and frustrated from the nightmare to give a shit about what Levi will have to say about his answer.
"I'm going to see Mikasa," Eren tells the captain with a sigh, before turning his back and continuing his way to Mikasa's room.
He feels a hand grab his shoulder, and Levi roughly forces him to turn around. Eren has to literally bite his tongue to keep from verbally lashing out at his superior, knowing Levi has every right to be on guard, but still frustrated that he is being interrupted now that he'd finally gotten enough nerve to see Mikasa.
"And why, pray tell, are you going to see Mikasa?" Levi asks, gripping Eren's shoulder a little tighter than necessary.
Eren closes his eyes, frustrated, once again trying not to snap at the captain. Why can't he just mind his own business? What does he care that he's going to see her?
"I just—" Eren groans, not knowing how to say that if he doesn't see her he might completely lose it. How can he tell his captain that his regret and self-loathing have boiled up so high inside him that if he doesn't see her he might just explode into a huge pile guilt and remorse? "I…" he brings his fingers up to rub his temples, "Look, Captain, what happened the other day—I haven't seen—I just need to—"
Levi's heavy sigh cuts him off. "Just go, Jaeger," he says, and Eren's eyes go wide.
"What? I—"
"I said go," Levi says sharply, "I get it, just go. Just don't let me catch you leaving her bunk tomorrow morning." With that, Levi turns from Eren and beings to walk away.
Eren can't even let himself be embarrassed by the captain's last comment, he's too shocked, though grateful, that he didn't get in trouble. And even though Levi is no longer facing him, Eren straightens his back and clumsily salutes him as he responds, "Um-uh, right. Uh, thank you, sir."
Levi waves off his thanks as he continues down the hall, walking the opposite direction of Eren, who stands frozen in disbelief for a few more seconds.
When his legs finally begin moving again, he hears the sound of a door shutting behind him and swings around expecting to face yet another interruption. To his surprise, he sees no one and can only assume that the captain was the one who shut a door as he entered one of the rooms along the hall.
As Eren peers down the hallway, he could've sworn he saw the handle to Squad Leader Hanji's door jiggle as if being locked. His eyes widen, but he shakes his head as he continues his mission to Mikasa's room. That tidbit of information can dealt with another day.
As soon as he's outside her door, he feels anxiety and guilt build up even more in his gut than it had after he'd woken up from the nightmare. He doesn't want to admit that he's scared to see her, but the fright is there amongst all the remorse. He bites his lip before bringing his hand up to the door and knocking lightly.
When there's no answer, he feels a spike in his unease. He knows it's just the lingering fear from his dream playing with his emotions, but he can't bring himself to walk away from her room without making sure she's okay.
He jiggles the doorknob quietly, pushing the door open slowly to make sure it doesn't squeak.
He peeks into her room, and immediately feels air whoosh out of his lungs as deep relief washes over him.
She's okay. Of course she's okay.
She lays peacefully in her bed, her raven hair fanned over the pillow, with the moonlight highlighting her pale face as it streams through the window. She's curled up on her side with one hand resting under her cheek and the other held close to her chest. Her soft snores are like music to his ears as he makes his way over to the small chair that sits beside her bed.
He scoots the chair closer so he can sit next to her and be able to place his arms on the mattress, folding them before placing his head on top. He traces her face with his eyes, hoping to find the comfort he craves so much; that little piece of home amongst the fire of hell.
As his eyes wander, he finds his gaze instead being drawn to the scar glinting silver in the moonlight, resting just under her right eye.
His breath catches as the memory resurfaces; him, completely out of control while she desperately tries to get him back. He can hear her frantically screaming his name, but the fog in his brain just won't clear.
He feels his nails bite into his palms as his hands turn to fists, fists that are forcefully pressing into the mattress below them in frustration.
He's so caught up in his own self-loathing, he almost doesn't catch the soft, groggy voice saying his name.
"Eren…?" her voice is quiet and confusion is evident in her tone.
He looks over at her and immediately straightens up in the chair, "Mikasa."
She sits up quickly, hands rubbing at her eyes, trying to clear them of sleep, "Is something wrong?" she asks, panic laced in her words.
Immediately Eren feels guilty. He places a hand on top hers as the fingers of his other clench into a tight fist against the mattress.
"No, nothing's wrong," he tells her, his voice filled with remorse for alarming her, "I'm sorry I startled you." He sees her shoulders slump instantly with exhaustion now that she knows there is no immediate threat.
"Oh," she yawns before continuing, "Then…um… what are you doing in here this late?"
Eren opens his mouth to respond, only to find that nothing will come out. He continues looking at her, mouth opening and closing like a fish, before he tightens the grip he has on her hand and shakes his head.
"I'm…" he starts, but can't find the words. He lets out an exasperated groan before ripping his hand out of Mikasa's and burying his face into his palms. To his horror, he feels hot tears beginning to fill his eyes.
"Eren," she says softly as she brings one hand up in an attempt to pull his fingers away from his face.
The burn of angry tears gets worse.
"Eren, please tell me what's wrong," she begins to plead, and he realizes this is the exact opposite of what he wanted when he saw her again after that day. The last thing he wanted to do was worry her more, but here he is making everything worse with his theatrics.
He takes a deep breath before bringing a hand away from his face to gently intertwine their fingers again. The warmth of her skin helps bring him back from his cruel thoughts.
"I'm sorry," he begins, and she opens her mouth to no doubt tell him that whatever it is isn't his fault, but he stops her. "I'm just…" he brings their conjoined hands up to place his lips on her knuckles, "I'm so sorry, Mikasa."
This time, she doesn't protest. "For what, Eren?" she asks him softly, trying hard to understand.
The heel of his free hand now rests on his forehead, showing his obvious distress. "I'm sorry I haven't been around since that day. And I'm even more sorry I couldn't protect you," he answers her in an even quieter tone.
She opens her mouth before closing it again, eyebrows scrunched and looking utterly confused at his statement.
After a moment, she sighs and shakes her head before scooting over on the bed and patting the spot next to her.
Eren looks at her with knitted brows, and she narrows her eyes at him until he gives in, lifting the blanket and climbing in next to her. They lean against the headboard as she squeezes his hand. She shifts a bit before bringing her chin to rest on his shoulder.
"Now," she begins facing him, "What the hell are you talking about?"
Eren blinks in surprise at her question. He opens and closes his mouth several times before finding an answer. "In the field a few days ago," he cringes at the memory, "When Hannes died. I could have done more. I could have done so much more."
"What do you mean? You couldn't have done more even if you'd wanted to."
He shakes his head vigorously, "No Mikasa. They all died that day, over one hundred soldiers and... and Hannes—and I almost got you killed because I couldn't even find the strength to move."
Eren begins to breathe deeply, trying to keep his growing panic under control, "And that day in Trost," his hand tightens on hers, "I almost killed you," he whispers, absentmindedly running a thumb under his own eye before bringing his fingertips to brush across her skin and over the scar he had, albeit unintentionally, placed there.
She shakes her head in response and looks up at him, grabbing the hand running along her face before tilting his chin to make him look at her. He does everything he can to try to avoid the gaze of her intense, smoky eyes, but she's unrelenting.
"Eren," she begins in a blunt tone, "you are the reason humanity has hope after the gate got kicked down in Shiganshina. You are the reason so many people are fighting with everything in their hearts; because they know that one day soon, we are going to be able to stop hiding behind these walls. We are going to be able to see the ocean, the mountains of ice, the lakes of fire, because you have given humanity a reason not to give up this fight. We are going to win, Eren, because you have given humanity the hope it has been lacking for the last century.
"And Eren, you saved my life," she adds, her voice so quiet he has to lean in closer to hear her, "So many times you've saved me, and I don't think you even realize it. When Armin told me you had been eaten on that mission, I thought my entire world was ending. I was going to give up, Eren," she admits to him, and his eyes go wide as he opens his mouth, but she silences him with a look, "I was going to give up until I realized that even in death, you were giving me a reason to live. To live for you so your sacrifice wouldn't be in vain.
"In the field," she brings soft fingertips up to trace his cheek when he winces at the memory, "You literally punched that titan even though you had every reason to run away. You saved us."
He sighs deeply as he listens to her talk, her voice soothing, and she reclines a bit on the mattress, bringing him down with her to share the pillow.
"And how can you forget the most important time?" she asks him in a whisper, and she has trouble meeting his eyes. "The day my parents died."
Eren inhales sharply, but remains silent beside her.
"You saved my life, Eren, in more ways than one. You gave me a future I wouldn't have had if you hadn't been there to take on those men." She closes her eyes, but gives him a watery smile. He's speechless at her words.
She brings her hand up to grip his shirt before opening her eyes and continuing, "So don't ever say you didn't do enough. You've saved me, so many times, and you've given humanity the hope it needs to persevere. Don't ever say you could have done more, because the world owes you everything," she pauses, her voice barely a whisper, "and so do I."
Eren shakes his head in disbelief. She speaks of him as if he's more than just some punk fifteen year old kid, that he is instead some kind of hero. Why is he the one humanity has entrusted with their fate?
Mikasa picks up on his hesitation and speaks softly, "It doesn't matter if you believe me, because it's true whether you know it or not." She looks down at him, and he sees her smile such a genuine smile it that breaks his heart.
It's the same sort of smile from that day in the field; watery and filled with so much emotion that he can do nothing but stare in awe at her usually stoic face.
He shakes his head again, but gives her a small grin in return. "Okay, okay. I get it," he says, tracing her hand with his thumb, "Don't get all mushy on me."
She breathes out a laugh of disbelief and he's surprised when he feels her fingers begin to card through the tangled mess that is his hair. He wraps an arm around her waist before snuggling deeper into the blankets. It reminds him of when they were children and he would stay with her at night to keep her nightmares away.
Now she's doing the same for him.
Eren exhales a laugh out of his nose at his own unwillingness to let too much emotion show and his ineloquent use of words. Although he knows by now there's really no point to be embarrassed at his inability to be open with people, especially with her.
He tightens his hold on her as he shuts his eyes. He shifts a little on the pillow so that his face is buried in her neck, and he inhales deeply. She smells like home.
He feels her fingers continue to run through his hair and the sensation begins lulling him into a warm and easy sleep. His eyes drift closed, and all he can think about is how he doesn't want to let this moment of peace go.
But really, he knows the battle has only just begun.
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