12 days 'til Christmas = 12 chapters of this story, with the words to "12 Days of Christmas" completely rewritten, Greendale style. ;)

Music Theory and Yuletide Traditions

"On the twelfth day 'til Christmas, Greendale gave to me: twelve useless credits…"

12 Useless Credits

Jeff Winger is still trying to figure out why school is still in session on December thirteenth, as he pulls his not-so-new Lexus into an empty parking spot outside of Greendale Community College that chilly Tuesday morning. According to the academic calendar they all received earlier on in the year, the last day of classes was the ninth, and yet, they're all still here, sitting in Biology class or around the study table or in the cafeteria. And it's not like Jeff has much else to do, honestly. Holidays for Jeff Winger consist of an obligatory visit to his mother and drinking through all of the usual festivities.

Last year, it had been different. Last year, he had been different.

But needless to say, winter was Jeff Winger's least favorite season, and it isn't because the bitter Colorado weather forces him to wear many layers and cover up the body he works so hard on (okay, it's not only that). Sure, snow is cool the first time; watching tiny majestic flakes of white flutter to the earth is amusing only until it adds up. Only until it accumulates into mounds and mountains of white, making driving impossible and walking? Forget it. When it melts, it turns to a grainy, grey slush mixed with mud and then, because it gets just as cold again (of course), that grey/brown slush turns into ice. And driving in ice is pretty much synonymous to signing your own death certificate.

Today is one of the "snow-melting-into-slush" days, Jeff notes, as he turns off the vehicle and gets out of the car, grimacing at the squishing sound his boots make with the ground. It just so happens that Leonard is also walking into the school at the same time and Jeff sarcastically wonders where his sudden stroke of luck came from and tries to duck out of sight, but he's already been spotted. Leonard looks down, chuckles, and says, "Nice boots, gaywad! Those are for girls!"

Jeff rolls his eyes, continuing to stalk into the building. "Shut up, Leonard. You belong on the Island of Misfit Toys."

The moment he steps into the building, Jeff's expecting relief from the cold… but is instead greeted by the very same icy air that he's only just left. Blinking in confusion, he turns to his left, where Vicki and (Fat) Neil are standing, shivering, by the water fountain. Vicki's teeth chatter as she offers, "V-V-Vice Dean L-Laybourne…"

"What a showoff," (Fat) Neil sighs, shaking his head. Jeff nods his agreement and continues towards the study room.

Unsurprisingly, everyone is already there. But to his mild shock- and semi-annoyance- so is Dean Pelton, dressed in khakis that have definitely seen better days and a super tight pale green button down. He's lecturing them about something, Jeff can tell, because when the Dean has something important (read: completely irrelevant) to say, everyone has their own way of reacting to it and Jeff has picked up on this after two and a half years. Annie pays close attention to everything he says and usually jots down a few notes to refer back to later. Shirley listens half-concerned, half-amused, with a remorseful look on her face. Pierce falls asleep, Troy zones out, Abed thinks of movie references. And Britta? Britta doesn't pay attention, usually. Usually, she's looking out the windows, peering through the doors, or staring at him to watch his reaction to the Dean's obsessive need to touch Jeff whenever he walks in the room.

Jeff realizes he still has time to loop around and wait until the Dean leaves, but as he's beginning to back away, he unintentionally wins Britta's attention. She rolls her eyes at him and mimes passing out. Jeff smirks and nods toward the door, motioning for her to leave because he's pretty sly, he can get them both out. But she sends him a "There's no way that would ever work" look and fixes her stare back at the Dean. They're silently communicating for a good minute more before the Dean asks, "Britta, do you need to visit health services?"

Jeff chuckles, but this is immediately diminished when Abed points him out. "She's trying to figure out a way to escape the boring conversation. Jeff's idea."

The rest of the group and the Dean turn to look at him and he frowns immediately. Britta shoots him a half-apologetic, half-amused smile as he takes his seat beside her. "Nice. I was going to get you out, too."

"Not my fault," She tells him. "Way too impossible."

"You underestimate my stealthy abilities," Jeff says and turns to the Dean. "Dean Pelton. To what do we owe this incredible honor?"

"Aw, thank you Jeffrey!" Dean Pelton smiles cheekily, placing a hand on Jeff's upper chest. "And I'm sorry to have to interrupt what looks like a very valuable study time, but we have a situation here and I'm not sure how we're going to fix it."

"Yes we do," Annie nods, sitting straighter. "You do know that the Biology final was pushed until next week, right? I was prepared to take it last Thursday, but-"

"Annie, I doubt that's the biggest issue here," Jeff snorts. "You realize you're holding us two days past when the semester ended, right?"

"That's actually part of the solution to the problem," Dean Pelton explains. "As you know, twelve credits is the minimum amount a student should take to be considered a full-time student. I have it under discretion that a student created a schedule with twelve credits that didn't actually exist so they wouldn't ever have to be on campus."

"Huh," Britta turns to Jeff. "That sounds kind of familiar."

He rolls his eyes. "Oh come on, you think I did this?"

"Well Jeff, you did make up a class last year," Annie points out. "I'm still trying to get over the trauma of thinking Professor Garrity was dead."

"You're not exactly the most hardworking student, Jeffrey," Shirley says softly and Pierce groans.

"She's trying to say you're a slacker."

"Wow, thanks guys," Jeff drones. "Glad to see no one has any faith in me."

"Well I now have to audit twelve credits that I'm not even sure exist and get to the bottom of this," Dean Pelton explains. "Which is why we're still in session! We will work until December twenty-fourth if we have to! We will prove that Greendale is a body of hardworking individuals dedicated to their education!"

"But that's Christmas Eve!" Shirley complains but the Dean shrugs.

"We do not acknowledge any holidays here, Shirley," Dean Pelton says. "We're secular and politically correct."

"If we're so 'secular'," Jeff smirks, using air quotes and everything. "Why not work through break?"

"I hope it doesn't have to come to that," The Dean sighs. "But if it does you can prepare to spend your holidays with the human beings."

He begins to exit the room and then states, "I suspect City College is behind this… But you're not exactly off the hook, Jeffrey."

Annie looks almost gleeful at the news, but everyone else is, as expected, annoyed and pissed off. Shirley is the first to protest. "They can't do this! This is against the law! Separation of church and state, right?"

"Well technically, us staying in school is a further separation of church and state," Jeff explains lightly and Shirley frowns.

Troy groans. "I can't believe you tried to get away with this again, dude."

Jeff balks. "You guys seriously think it was me? Why would I try it again?"

"Because it didn't work the first time," Pierce scoffs. "So you thought you'd try again. Go gay or go home, right?"

"Go big," Britta corrects. "But you actually have a point, Pierce. I mean, Jeff, you tried to convince us last time that you didn't do it and it turned out you were lying."

"Well I'm not this time!" Jeff exclaims but the group still looks skeptical. "Look, this is beyond the point. What we really need to do is get the hell out of here, because I don't know about you, but my winter break started last Friday."

"Yeah, keeping us past the date is insane." Troy states.

"It is insane," Britta is immediately riled up. "And it would bad if the Dean didn't already exude numerous mental health issues, but putting this on top of everything else he's dealing with is definitely a problem to us and the school-"

"Troy," Jeff groans. "Didn't we talk about the five words that cause Britta to go off in a tangent?"

"Yeah," He says glumly. "You said not to ever say them."

"Thank you."

"Well, I guess we should get to Biology, then!" Annie says excitedly, jumping up and heading out of the room, trying to placate a still visibly upset Shirley.

"Wait," Britta begins, standing as Pierce, Abed and Troy begin to also leave the room. "What are the words? You guys have a filter?"

"When it comes to the overachieving psych major? Yeah," Jeff answers. "And telling you the words would completely defeat the purpose."

"Well one of those words better be my name," Britta says. "Because if you don't stop using it to mean make a very small and understandable error-"

"Britta, we stopped using your name after you Britta'd it," Jeff tells her, leaving the room and heading down the science wing. "So you can relax, kitten."

Britta watches him leave for a moment and then catches up with him, looking pensive. "If you didn't actually do this, who did?"

"No idea," Jeff shrugs, holding the classroom door for her. "Someone who obviously was following my genius plan."

"But wanted to do it right," She grins and he glares at her. "But seriously, if he has to audit these credits… That's a whole semester and it devalues everything we've done."

Jeff looks down at her. "I'm sorry; when did you switch bodies with Annie?"

She sighs. "I'm serious, Jeff. We're going to lose everything. This entire semester would have been a waste."

"I doubt it's going to come to that," He counters. "Beside, this is Greendale. Every semester is a waste."

She smirks. "Touché."

The rest of Biology class is boring and uneventful, mainly because Professor Kane had already completed his lesson plan for the semester and was planning on having the final by now. But he manages to scrounge together some labs he was planning on using for the next semester and makes them analyze the different phases plant cells are taking part in. Pierce, whose lab partner is Shirley today, continues to comment about how each slide of intersecting cells looks like boobs and Shirley keeps praying for salvation. Britta is paired with both Troy and Abed today, which leaves Jeff with Annie, who manages to look both happy and annoyed by this circumstance.

"Jeff," She questions. "You didn't do it, right?"

"Annie, why would I do this again? It obviously was a stupid idea the first time," He explains. "I thought you of all people would have more faith in me."

"I have faith in the person you can be," Annie tells him bluntly. "Not so much in the person you are now."

Jeff frowns. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Come on, Jeff," Annie shrugs it off, writing an annotation on her lab assignment. "You and I both know you've grown as a person ever since coming here. You're just… not exactly done growing."

He stares at her until she looks up at him and shoots him a small smile. "It's not an insult, Jeff. Everyone needs to grow and adapt."

"Yeah, it's not exactly a compliment, either," Jeff shoots back. "And how exactly am I supposed to 'grow and adapt'? What's wrong with the way I am now?"

She shrugs. "Well nothing, really, but… Just don't worry about it. I'll help you."

"Yeah? What if I don't want your help?" He says and she immediately meets his gaze. "What if I don't want to change at all?"

"Then don't," Annie says. "Look, I was just trying to help-"

"To help, yeah. Everyone's always trying to help," Jeff frowns. "I've got Abed studying me, Britta shrinking me, and now you re-packaging me. Why can't you all mind your own business?"

Annie looks upset which makes Jeff feel even worse. "Look, I'm sorry. I'll see you tomorrow. The last one's metaphase."

Ignoring the group's looks of confusion, Jeff gathers his books and leaves the room, tossing his completed lab report on Professor Kane's front desk. He passes Starburns in the hallway, who asks why he appears so down and suggests a certain "pick-me-up." Jeff scares him away pretty effectively (he threatens calling the cops) and pushes past him, out of the hall, out of the building, out onto the quad, where he finds a bench that isn't full of snow and plops down beside it, head immediately finding the cushion of his hands.

He's not sure how long he sits like this, but after a moment, he feels a presence beside him and then someone sits down on the other side of the bench. Already getting annoyed, Jeff swears to go off on Abed, Annie, or Britta, but when he looks up, it's Shirley, looking just as frustrated and agitated as he is. She's chewing on a brownie when she looks over at him, then smiles half-heartedly and hands him his own brownie. He gratefully accepts it and she says, "I was supposed to start my diet today, but screw it. It's been that kind of day."

Jeff bites into the tiny piece of heaven and sighs. "I'm with you on that one."

"I don't know why we put up with Pierce," Shirley says outwardly. "He's got the mind of a twelve-year-old and it's trapped inside the body of a middle-aged man from the sixties. If the good Lord hadn't been watching…"

Jeff chuckles. "It probably would have been worth the eternal damnation."

"Oh Jeffrey, I know you're not a religious person, but you don't get eternal damnation for slapping someone upside the head," Shirley explains. "You get eternal damnation for assault, murder, stealing someone's brownie recipe and then selling it to Betty Crocker and making millions…"

"Personal experience?" Jeff asks and Shirley nods slowly.

"There's a lot you don't know about me, Jeffrey," She says. "Just like there's a lot I don't know about you. Like why you stormed out today and left poor Annie all pouty-faced."

He sighs. "Shirley, have you ever had a horrible thing happen to you that left you wanting to figure out who you were? But the whole time, you had people around you trying to shape you or fix you into something you're not?"

"Sure," Shirley nods. "I was very close to my father, Jeff. But he died when I was twenty-one and I didn't know what to do with myself. I turned to alcohol, as you know, because my friend told me that would solve everything."

"So what happened?"

"Well one day," Shirley explains. "I woke up in a house I had never seen before and when I walked outside, there was a church across the street. I went into confession and told the priest everything. I found the Lord, Jeff. He was my savior."

Jeff stares at her. "Oh. Well I don't think…"

"Who is trying to change you, Jeffrey?" Shirley asks. "And why don't you want to accept that?"

"Annie, mostly. Abed and Britta are there, but less of a problem," Jeff sighs. "I know her intentions are good, it's just that… Well…"

"You like the way you are," Shirley states and Jeff hesitates and then nods.

"Is that selfish?"

"Of course not," She shakes her head. "Everyone needs to know who they are. Personally, I think Annie's insistence of you changing is selfish. It sounds like she wants you to change into the person right for her."

Jeff again pauses. "I don't know if I can do that."

"I don't think you should ever have to change for someone," Shirley tells him. "And I think you're selling yourself a bit short. You've grown dramatically since our first day here, you know."

He smiles. "Thanks."

"Anytime I can help, you just let me know!" She stands, brushing off the front of her slacks. "Eat your brownie, Jeffrey. Don't let my hard work go to waste."

Jeff chuckles and does so, standing as well and heading out to his car. The day was mostly over and he was so ready for it to be. At the front steps of the school, however, Annie is pacing slowly and when she sees him, she stops, immediately shrieking, "I'm so sorry! I just went crazy on you and you didn't even deserve it. I don't know what I was thinking, but you shouldn't listen to me. I don't even know what I'm talking about."

"Annie," Jeff stops her. "You need to calm down. We're okay. I'm not mad at you."

"No, but you have every right to be," She says. "I know you're going through a lot this year and me yelling at you for every little thing can't exactly be helping."

"Annie, seriously," He tells her. "It's fine. Don't even worry about it."

She nods slowly. "We're good?"

"We're good," He chuckles. "See you tomorrow."

He begins to walk away again before Annie calls out, "Wait, Jeff! Britta was looking for you."

Jeff groans. "I've so had it with this place today."

He decides whatever it is Britta wants can wait until tomorrow or, at the very least, a text or phone call for later, and stalks through the snow, kicking at slush and unlocking his car the moment it's in sight. A light sprinkling of snow starts to fall once he's gotten closer and he notices his ignoring Britta was useless, because she's leaning against the hood of his Lexus, half-shivering. The moment he advances on her, she calls out, "Hey, so… I need a favor."

Jeff smirks, raising an eyebrow. "Well, I'm a little tired and we did call it off… But I suppose I can-"

"Ew, not a sexual favor, jackass," Britta scowls. "I kind of need a ride home. I missed the bus and I don't want to stand in the blizzard for thirty minutes waiting for the next one."

"First of all, it's cold, but it's barely snowing," He tells her. "Second, if you need a favor from someone, try not calling them a jackass. And third, what happened to your car?"

"Well A- I'm sorry," She smiles saccharinely. "And B- it kind of got towed this weekend when I parked in a handicap spot and I haven't exactly gotten around to paying off the fine yet."

Jeff rolls his eyes. "How much do you need?"

"I don't want your money," She shakes her head. "I want a ride home."

"Well maybe I'm feeling generous today," He says, unlocking the car and motioning toward the passenger door. "I've forgiven Annie for trying to change me. I can do the same for you."

She shoots him an odd look as she gets in beside him. "I haven't tried to change you, Jeff. Believe me, I've realized you're much too happy being the way you are."

Jeff smirks. "And you're okay with that?"

Britta nods. "Completely."

For some reason, this makes Jeff's day a whole lot better.