Answer

There are no words. No words at all to describe how I'm feeling now. To describe how I feel about her. What I feel now she's gone. You'd think it would be easy. I worked with her for seven years. You'd think I could come up with a fitting tribute for a woman who saved my life countless times...who saved so many lives...who died saving a life...but I can't do it. The words won't come, and the only words I have written become a blur as the tears fall uncontrollably from my eyes and cloud my vision. The only thing I can see is the image in my mind of her lifeless and fragile body, her beautiful brown eyes once so full of life closed, never to open again.

When Colonel O'Neill was hit my heart leapt into my throat. The thought that I could lose him was so unimaginably painful to me that I could physically feel my heart breaking, but never did I expect what happened next. Never did I expect the kind of pain that tore into the core of my being the minute I heard Daniel calling for a medic...the moment I saw her laying there so small and fragile...the moment I knew she was gone.

I guess I always took for granted that she'd be there. I always thought she'd be at the other end of the phone, at the other end of the SGC or just an arms reach away. I always thought she was invincible. We're the ones who go off world and face the conflicts. We're the ones who see our colleagues fall. We're the ones who more often than not are hurt while Janet's always as safe as possible on base ready to do her best to heal us all. But no-ones invincible are they? And now we've lost her forever on one of the few instances she's been off world. How is that fair? It shouldn't have been her! How could it have been her? The sweetest and most loving person that I have ever been blessed to know. My best friend and my soul mate. My Janet.

When you join the military you know that you could be laying your life on the line for what you assume is the greater good. You know you could die in combat protecting your country. It's something you live with every day and something you accepted the day you joined, but I always expected to be the one to go first, I never expected we'd lose her.

There were times when we spoke about it. What we'd do if faced with the loss of one another. It was something that needed to be spoken about because in our job it could be a reality at anytime and neither of us wanted to go without telling the other what our wishes were or how we wanted to be remembered. Talking about it and experiencing it though are totally different things, because now I don't have her there to hold in my arms tightly after we've spoken about something that scares us to death. Now I have to live with the fact that I'm alone, and I'll never have her to hold in my arms again.

I'd so much rather it had been me than for her to be gone now. I know she'd be so mad at me for saying that. If she's looking down on me now she's probably watching me with her hands on her hips and a frown on her face wondering how I could think such a thing but its true. She was such a shining light in so many lives. She was so brave and funny. So sweet and kind with the most gorgeous smile and the most beautiful brown eyes I've ever seen with so much depth and life in them. She was the kind of person who you just wanted to take care of because she was so small but she was one of the strongest people I've ever met and so courageous. She had no fear of standing up to the Colonel or fighting for what she believed was right and she was never the kind of woman to give up...but now she has. She has given up on her life and left us. But then from what Daniel said my darling Janet never stood a chance and now she's gone. Her tiny body will never draw another breath. I don't think she ever knew how missed she would be if something happened to her. I don't think she'll ever know how this has hit the SGC so very hard.

It truly is as if there's a hole at the heart of the SGC. Some big and wonderful part of it now missing. It feels so wrong that we have to go on with our lives, with our fight against the Goa'uld and she's not here anymore to see it. It just feels so disrespectful that we have to carry on with our lives when she can no longer live hers. She meant so much to so many people. She died saving the life of a colleague and it just seems so very wrong. Like nothing, no tribute's enough to mourn the loss of her.

As I sit here and try and think of the words for a fitting tribute to her, I think back to when I heard the call over the radio. To when I heard Daniels tortured cry for a medic and I just knew she'd been hit. It's been so hard on him. He was there when she was shot, he saw it happen and he shared in her last moments of life. He told me that it was quick. That she wouldn't have suffered. He told me the staff blast came from nowhere but he's still so haunted by it. By her face when she fell. I don't think I could have held it together if I'd have seen her fall like that. If I saw her face...if I heard her scream in pain in the brief moments before she died. I don't even think he's holding it together really. Maybe on the surface but underneath...How can you hold yourself together when you see that? Her body fatally wounded. Her eyes open but no longer focusing on the living. The woman you love cruelly stolen away. Its hard enough to carry on now, I don't know what I would have done if I'd have been with her that very moment...her last moment.

I saw her afterwards, when we came back to the base. I must have sat with her for an hour saying goodbye to her, holding her small hand in my own as I tried to come to terms with how cold it was and with what had happened just a few hours before. It was so surreal seeing her lying there. She was so still. So peaceful. She was always so full of life that to see her unmoving made it all so real to me. It truly made it hit home to me that I'd never see the little bundle of energy that was once my best friend, and my lover alive again.

I wanted to say goodbye that way. Quietly. Just us. I knew it would be hard to see her so lifeless but I needed to do it. There was so much I needed to say that I couldn't say at any memorial. So much that could only be shared with her. And so I sat there, her hand in my own and I opened my heart to her. I told her how much I loved her. How brave she had been. How courageous she was and how proud I was of her. I told her how empty I feel now. I told her I'd never love anyone in my life as much as I always would her and I told her how thankful I feel to have been blessed with her in my life. I cried because it looked like she was just peacefully sleeping, but I knew she would never wake up and I just sat there not able to bring myself to say the final goodbye and unable to tear my hand away from hers.

We'd been a couple for over two years. No one on the base knew except for Daniel. We had to tell him because he thought the world of Janet. He loved her and we felt it only fair that he knew we were together. We were so scared of telling him about us, but he was great about it. Really great, and so supportive. He never told anyone about our relationship even though sometimes I wanted the whole world to know how much I loved her.

In a way I'm glad that he was there during her last seconds of life because I know that she had someone who loved her almost as much as I did there with her when it mattered. During the last precious moments she was alive. At times though I have wished so hard that it was me there with her and that I could have held her as she slipped away. But of course that couldn't have happened. Our relationship was against regulations and no one except for Daniel had any idea. That breaks my heart.

I've wanted to scream so loud because the pain of losing her is so bad. I've wanted to tell the whole world how empty I feel without her and how empty my world is now she's gone. I've wanted to tell everyone how I felt whole every time I held her at night for the last two years and every single day we were together but I've had to keep it all inside. Sure I can show some emotion, to everyone else she was my best friend and it's understandable that I'm upset because of that, but no one knows the real reason. No one could possibly know the extent of the loss that I feel. No one can even come close to knowing because I can't share it with them.

I want so much to share everything. I want so much to tell everyone that she was my girl and how happy she made my every day. I want so much to tell everyone how the two years we'd been together were the most wonderful two years of my life. I want so much to tell everyone that every time I kissed her was like the first time and how whenever I saw her beautiful face I got butterflies in my stomach because I knew she was mine forever and always.

Of course there are some moments I want to keep to myself. Some that I want to hold in my heart and treasure forever. Memories that are mine alone. These are the memories of the private moments we shared. Memories of how I watched her sleep so many nights, unable to drift off myself because the sight of that angelic face beside me, so deep in sleep was so fascinating to me. Memories of how she used to hold me after a hard day at work and soothe any unshed tears away. Memories of how it felt to have her lay beside me and kiss me and say 'I love you' every night before she closed her eyes, in fear that something would happen that would take us away from each other and we wouldn't be able to say it again. There are so many memories that I will hold so dear. Every memory I have with her in actual fact, but thinking back to those times makes me so sad, because now I know they are just memories and none of those moments will ever happen again.

I took Cass to see her a little while after I did. She wanted a chance to say goodbye too. Janet had taken care of her for much of her young life. Through the hard teenage years she had put up with the typical tears and tantrums and they had formed such a strong bond between them that it was beautiful to see their interaction together. I don't think I'll ever forget the look on Cass' face. She had already lost one mother on her home world and now she had lost another. A doting mother who would do anything for her. She was heartbroken, and there's not one thing I can do to fix the beautiful heart that belongs to the young woman Janet raised as I can't even begin to fix my own.

I've watched that little girl blossom into a young woman so caring and compassionate. She may not have been Janet's biological daughter but there's so much of Janet in her. I suppose in a way Janet will live on in Cassie, if not in blood then in her heart.

She was such a good mother. Seeing her when Cass was so sick because of Nurrtis experiment was so hard for me. She was in pieces. I don't know how she coped if I'm honest, I'm not sure I would have done in her situation especially when Cassandra seemed to be doubting the role Janet had been playing in her life but they got through it. We all got through it, and it made us stronger. It made us a family.

That event was what brought us together. You could say Cassie was the catalyst for us becoming a couple from the very moment she had arrived in our lives. I had always been attracted to Janet since the very first moment I saw her. There was always something about her that drew me to her. She had this quality that immediately endeared her to the people around her. This beautiful, shy vulnerability that just enveloped you when you were around her and made you want to take care of her forever, but I never acted on my feelings. I'm a military Officer and she was too and I didn't want to jeopardise anything, our career or our friendship. And then Cassie came along. I bonded with Cass from the start. It was SG1 that found her and Daniel and myself that spent time with her while she was on the base. Then when she got sick because of that bomb in her chest, something so cruel and wrong, it was Janet and I that bonded with her, and each other.

When it was decided Cass would stay on Earth Janet immediately took her in. To start off with I was a bit jealous if I'm honest because I love that little girl like she was my own and I didn't like the idea of anyone else taking care of her. I think Janet sensed this and so let me see Cass whenever I could and it was then that I realised just how much I loved spending time with both my girls.

Seeing Janet from when she first had Cassie, when she struggled a little to find her feet even though she was a totally natural mother, to when she became the devoted adoptive mother that she had been at the time of her passing was like watching a wonderful journey. I was always so proud of her and I have never been prouder than when I found out she was going to adopt Cass as her own. It was never easy for them. Cass had so much grief and fear when she came into our lives, but Janet helped her through that. Now its my turn to help Cass through the grief that's so heavily weighing her down right now even though I can barely deal with my own.

Because of the time I spent with Janet and Cass we got ever closer and ultimately it wasn't just Cassandra's company I visited for. I loved everything about Janet. All of her little habits, the expressions she pulled, the way her nose scrunched up when she laughed and her eyes shone when she smiled, all of the different facets of her personality. The way she looked so young and innocent when she cried and how my heart psychically ached whenever she was upset.

It was her upset that brought us together when Cass was ill. I had found her crying, just after Daniel had been trying to comfort her in the hall. Everything had taken its toll and I had never seen her looking so lost. All she had to say was 'I need you' and that was it. That was the moment we became a couple, just because of those words, and from that moment on she was my priority. Both she and Cass were.

Janet had given me one thing I always wanted. A family. Maybe not a conventional one in a lot of peoples opinions, but a loving one. Love was something our little family never lacked, and even Cass who had been trying so hard to fit in because of her origins not being on Earth had no qualms about Janet and I being a couple. She just wanted her mother to be happy and said she couldn't think of anyone better than me to be the person to make their family complete. Now our family's been torn to pieces. The heart of it has gone forever and it's really starting to hit me just how big a hole has been left in the hearts of our daughter and me.

How can I not find the words inside me to do this? I want so much to say something profound and meaningful but there are no words. How can you describe to people your love for a person? The unconditional undying love that you'll always feel for them whether they're here or not, if society won't accept it? If the place where you work won't accept it? There's so much I can't say because of regulations and that makes this so hard for me. I feel as though I should be saying all the things a lover would in tribute to the person that they wanted to spend the rest of their days with, but here I'm not able. I will another time, in a private ceremony, but at the moment it feels as though I'm disrespecting our love somehow and I have to suffer with so much of this torture in silence because I can't share it with anyone. I don't want to worry Cass when she's grieving and I'm so worried about Daniel.

I know she'd understand why I can't say everything I'd like to right now but it doesn't make it any easier on me. Nothing can make any of this any easier. All I want is for her to walk in that door with her sweet little smile and hold me and never let me go. Instead I sit here cold, crying and alone.

I hear a noise at the door and for a moment I think that it's her. Then when I realise it could never be her again the tears fall harder. Teal'c, the stoic warrior enters but I can immediately tell that this loss has really affected him too. He's not inclined to show his emotions in front of us and for that I'm glad in a way because to see the big strong warrior I consider as a protector and brother break down would really make me lose it. After working with him for the past seven years though I know that inside he is probably falling apart just as much of the rest of us are.

I've never met anyone who respected Janet as much as he did. Anyone who would jump to her defence as quickly as he would. He'd do it in a heartbeat and I'm so grateful that I've had the man I consider a brother keeping an eye out for the woman I love since his arrival on Earth. It means so much to me now to know that so many people loved her, respected her and did their utmost to protect her even if she didn't always need protecting. Looking back on it now it seems as though our family was a lot bigger than either of us could ever imagine. I just wish she could have known before she left us what a profound effect she had on so many lives.

You could never meet two people more different than Janet and Teal'c, but the quiet respect they both shared for each other was apparent every time they spoke to or about each other, and in his eyes now I see the sadness that I see in so many others. The sadness that I see magnified in my own eyes and Cassandra's...and Daniels. He's finding it hard to come up with an answer as to why one of our angels has been taken away from us. Someone so needed and who had done so much in her short life for other people. A Doctor, a military officer, a lover, a mother and a dear, dear friend. But then isn't that an answer that everyone looks for when someone who they love and care about passes on? The answer that can never be found? The one that eludes us? We can never find an answer as to why people are taken away from us no matter how hard we try. We can never find a reason. What reason would anyone have to take away one of earth's own angels who worked every day to heal the sick and saved so many lives? Who was held in the hearts of so many and always will be?

It's believed by some that everyone has their time to go and that it's all part of a big plan. Part of a big unsolved puzzle. It's believed that we all have a set amount of time in this world and then when it's time for us to leave we leave. I don't know whether I believe that or not. It makes me wonder though, what my purpose is, and that if that is indeed true why did someone who had so big a purpose and who saved the lives of others every day go before I did? Surely it should have been the other way round? Surely I should have gone first? Surely such a beautiful person in heart, soul and body should have had more years of her life left? There's never any sense in life really though is there? Or in death. All we can do now is thank god that we were lucky enough to have been blessed with her in our lives. Because that was what she was, a blessing and if it was her chosen time to leave us at least she did it trying to save a life, trying to do something she was good at. At least she was surrounded by people that loved her, even if we couldn't all be at her side as she drifted away. At least we'd had the pleasure of being the people Janet chose to be her friends, her family and her lover. I only hope she knows wherever she is now how grateful we are for that pleasure.

As Teal'c leaves after a tender and protective embrace I make my way out of the base and into the cool air outside. I need to pick up Cass. The tears still fall as I make my way to the car. They haven't stopped falling in days and I can't see any end to the sadness that has enveloped my being. I'm not even sure how I'm going to see to drive to school to pick Cassie up. All I keep doing in the car is looking at the empty seat beside mine and thinking how my soul mate will never be the one to fill it again. How I'll never have her sitting there singing along to the radio or sleeping peacefully as we drive home after a hard day at work. She had such a bubbly personality that it seems infinitely quiet now without her. I keep expecting to turn around and see her there smiling at me as I drive or as I walk around the base, and as I tuck Cassie in at night like Janet and I did every night even though Cass is in her late teens now. I just don't know how to carry on without her. I don't know if I want to.