All I recall is the ice on my skin. Spreading up my face and across my chest. I was so stiff, my mind blank. I felt my lungs collapse with my last exhale and everything turned blue. Frozen, with no life left. I had read once before that the last sense to go was hearing. But there was no sound outside of my head. I can only imagine that twinkling sound coming from within. I always thought death would be silence. But I never realized it would be this cold either. I've never known a cold like this.
Gasping, I found myself tangled in the sheets of my bed. "My lady?" my handmaiden, Tira asked sleepily from the other side of the room. "Another nightmare." I assured her breathlessly. "I apologize for waking you. Please sleep." Wrapping myself in my bedspread, I continued to pant and shiver. The air was warm and yet I still felt half frozen. Tira's sleeping noises helped calm my breathing and I reclined back on my pillows. What is this horrible dream that keeps me from resting at night? Clouding my thoughts during the day?
I was born on the tail end of winter, living 3 years before the skies parted and the grass began to grow again. I was so
young at the time, I never really endured a life out of summer. Beautiful warm days and breezy cool nights are all I've
ever known. But this cold. This piercing, enduring cold is a sensation I have never felt before. How can I banish it? What
does it mean?
-
"My lady, Erylla." Maester Helliweg sounded surprised when I entered his study. The smell of candle wax and spilled ink permeated the air. In my anticipation, I had forgotten to curtsy as a greeting. "Maester.." my skirts swept the floor as I approached his table hurriedly. He must have felt the urgency in my presence, because he ushered me to sit across from him. "What is troubling you, my lady?" He asked, worriedly. A breath I had unknowingly been holding escaped me. "I have been.. having dreams. I cannot describe what is happening in the dream. Only what I am feeling."
"And what is it that you feel in these dreams?" His head cocked to the side. His brown eyes were creased with worry and sympathy. His receding hair had began to turn gray above his ears.
"I feel... cold. So cold." My eyes began to water at the memory. "I cannot describe just how cold. My breath is steam and then I cannot breath anymore. My chest is tight, my fingers are stiff..." I trail, thinking about the twinkling. How serene and yet frightening it sounds, even in my memory. "I feel like I am dreaming of death."
"That does sound troubling." His voice was calm and warm, like a grandfather's voice. "If I may interpret your dreams, my lady, it sounds as though you are feeling trapped. And this sense in reality can make a terrifying presence in your dreams."
I let out a sigh. "I don't know what you mean. I am not feeling trapped. I am feeling cold and dead in my dreams."
A throaty chuckle from him as he continued, "Well I know of a certain young lord coming to meet you in the hopes of courting you soon. Perhaps you are feeling afraid that if you are to be married, you will soon have to leave your home and live with his family. Do you not think that could contribute to some feelings of being trapped?"
I bit the inside of my cheek, in a very unladylike fashion "I don't know.. The Blackwood's are a noble family. I thought if I were to be wed, it would be a delightful thing. I never truly considered not seeing my family again."
Seeming satisfied with my answer, Helliweg nodded. "I believe now that you understand your fears in reality, it can help you face your fears in sleep. And I am sure when the time comes, your marriage will be wonderful and you will find in it a new family to care for."
My eyes were cast down to my feet. "And if my nightmares do not go away?" I asked quietly. He shushed me comfortingly, "If they do not, we can find another solution to help you sleep."
-
After lunch with Septa Mordane she took me to the holy place, our sept. There, she had me sing for the fellow worshipers. Out of all the activities expected of a young lady, I loved singing the most. Sewing caused too many pricked fingers. Dancing was fun, but I was always scolded for not stepping correctly. I once hid out in the kitchens all day to avoid embroidery and discovered how fascinating cooking was. The spices, the cream, the meats. It was enchanting. But of course, a high born lady like myself had absolutely no reason for learning how to cook.
My voice resonated within the sept, echoing from all 7 walls. Candles glittered to the tune of my song. Elderly women closed their eyes peacefully as they swayed. When I finished my last song, I noticed my father step into the sept quietly. Not an easy feat for a man with his build and voice. I smiled and curtsied to take my leave of the devout, with my eyes on my father. His smile was different, somehow. He looked on his youngest daughter with pride, but there was a sadness in his face too. Each step I took towards him was carefully executed. Being not so dainty, I had to take extra care to present myself as graceful and delicate in the public eye, as every young lady should be.
Father took my hand and led me away, without a word to the Septa. His strong grip held me steady, as I felt the cold starting to creep into my mind again. There is terrible news, I thought. I couldn't explain why else he would see me before supper.
We entered his solar, a private room where we had family activities. My brothers Andar and Robar were already there. It suddenly occurred to me how empty this room felt. Mother had been gone the longest, dying when I was still a young child. Waymar left three years ago to join the Night's Watch so far north that there was always ice and snow. Ysilla left just a few months ago, to be courted by a Redfort boy at his home.
Every face in the room was grim and somber, I saw. "What's happened, Father?" I was partly afraid to hear the answer. Andar was staring out of an open window in solace. Robar helped me to a seat and sat beside me.
"We've had a raven from the Nights Watch." He said.
A smile appeared on my face, hoping to ease the heavy tension in the room. "So we have news from Waymar?"
Robar glanced at Father who took a seat across from us. His shoulders looked so heavy. "He has been missing for nearly a week now." Father declared. "The Nights Watch assumes him to be dead. His fellow scout was found south of the Wall- almost made it to Winterfell. He was beheaded for desertion."
My mouth seemed to move without my mind realizing it. "They think he is dead? How?" I was creasing my skirts with clenched hands, I suddenly realized, and hastily tried to smooth them back out again.
"Erylla.. It's very cold up there. It is possible that he froze to death in his sleep." Robar said in a soothing tone. My breath was caught in my throat and I felt a hot prickling in the corners of my eyes.
"He was afraid. It was that sound." A scratchy voice that I didn't recognize came from my own lips. Robar looked to Father again, who said nothing. Of course they had no idea what I was talking about. My mind couldn't slow down when it started. Everything turned blue. The twinkling. The fear. He couldn't have been sleeping. He was running. It now occurred to me. My steamy breath was coming in quick shallow bursts. I was running. It was cold and I was dying. I couldn't breathe, I was so afraid. I couldn't look back, never look back. The trees are blue, the snow is blue, those eyes are blue. And then there was nothing. Nothing but the cold and that sound. Was I fighting or was I dying?
"Erylla!" I was snapped back into reality from my dream. The dream that crept over me so slowly during the day had finally taken a hold of me. My chair had fallen backwards, apparently propelled by me, although it was such a heavy chair. Tears were streaming down my face and my hair pulled out of a braid by my thrashing. Andar held my face in his hands while Robar gripped my wrists painfully. Shocked and worried, Robar loosened his grip and Andar wiped the tears away. Father lifted me up. "Father, he was killed. I know he was." I started to sob in painful gasps. "It was something in the snow! It killed him!"
He hushed me as he pat my head and rubbed my back soothingly. "Get Helliweg." He instructed my brothers. They left immediately and father continued to comfort me as I cried.
When Helliweg arrived, he gave me a calming sedative. Somewhere after I stopped crying, yet before I passed out I remember telling him. "It was my dream, I felt him die. Something in the snow killed him. I know it did."
I awoke sometime in the middle of the night in my own chambers. Septa Mordane was awake, reading by candle light. "My lady, are you hungry?" She questioned quietly. My voice was hoarse, probably from the crying and maybe from the sedative as well. "Yes." I managed to choke out. Nodding, she stood from her chair and said, "I'll get something for you to eat. Maybe some milk and honey for your throat too."
I laid back in my bed, staring up at the dark ceiling, occasionally illuminated by the candle flame from the Septa's side table. I only sat back up when she brought back the food. Some soup and bread along with my milk and honey. She settled herself back in her chair and picked up her book again. "We're going to take it easy over the next week. Just rest.."
I ate my bread, about half of the soup and drank my milk and honey at my bedside table and then settled back on my pillows. Sleep would not come. "Go on, go to sleep." Septa Mordane said after about 15 minutes of me tossing and turning. "I think.. it will be easier once the candle is out, ma'am." I tried to remain polite.
She sighed and stood, taking the candle with her as she left the room. "Good night, my lady. Tomorrow will be better." I said nothing as she closed the door. How could I have a good night? I was afraid of my dreams, afraid of feeling my brother die again in the cold. Just knowing that my dream had come true was enough for me to never want to dream again.
Sometime during that night, I did fall asleep. It was cold, again. But it was also white. A white wolf with eyes of red. Those crimson orbs would keep me from falling into the blue. The white wolf would protect me.